Rhonda's Story - ThinnerTimes

twokids · 05-04-2005, 02:51 PM

Ok, I have been reading all of the stories and posting for a couple of weeks now and feel comfortable enough to share my story.

I have been overweight all of my life. I was always the tallest and biggest in the class all through school. I was active in high school, playing basketball, track, band, etc. but always was made fun of. I wanted so badly to fit in somewhere and ended up eating away my tears. I never had a date or a boyfriend in highschool. Attended the prom by myself. I can't count the number of nights I would cry myself to sleep.

Then came college. Wow is that a different experience! I came from a small town in Iowa (good ol' farm girl) and hit college (and booze) School has always been easy for me, so I never had to apply myself and the classwork and went to the parties. I was a member of the track team and traveled with the college football team. I worked in the athletic department training room and football office. I was well known, but as the "fat one" I would party with the football team and would drink for acceptace until the worst possible thing happend...I was raped.

My life really started to spiral. My grades started to fall, my track perfomance was not well, I stopped going home to the farm, all I wanted to do is eat and drink booze. My self esteem was completely gone, I tried to end my life on two occations. I began to sleep with whoever even looked my direction. I continued to be abused my the same man that raped me for two full years. I was starving for help. I have to thank a good college friend for helping me see a glimmer of light. She gave me the courage to stop the spiral and get away from the abuse and see that life by myself was good.

I moved off of campus, focused on graduation, and what do you know, found my husband! We dated for five years before we were married. We always have had relationship trouble due to my past and by my own self-esteem (or lack of it) I still to this day do not see how he could love someone like me; but I know God sent him to me. We now have two beautiful children and a wonderful life. I still have a hard time letting me touch me with all of the loose skin now. Before it was the fat, now the skin. I have to give him the gold medal for being on the roller coaster and not falling off!

My parents didn't know the kind of missery I was in until I discusse having wls surgery with them. They felt they were to blame for my weight. This scares me to death, because I have a 4 year old that weighs 70 pounds. I try everyday to keep her eating healthy, but she looks at food and gets bigger. I see so much of myself in her it makes me cry. I want her to stand up and be proud of herslef and have the positive life that I never had.

I had my surgery on August 17, 2004 and weighed in at 322 on the morning of surgery. I am now 9 months post-op and can't seem to shake the 230 mark. Yes 92 pounds is a bunch, but in my book it is not good enough. I have this internal drive that no matter what I do, it is never good enough.

I sure hope as the weight begins to fall off, my attitue and self-esteem will improve. I want to be able to help my daughter, but at this point, I am struggling to keep my own head above water.

It is a big boost to be able to wear a size 18 again. Then I go to Wal-Mart and end up buying a 22! How depressing, then I head down the poor-me road again. I know my story is rambling in many directions, but I am trying to understand myself and my emotions every day. I can no longer eat my way out of a slump.

I can not tell all of you how this site has helped me over the past few weeks. My surgeon didn't require a phyc consult, I wished it would have. There are seveal posts that indicationt he psyc consult is holding them back, but trust me, that is so very important! I thank all of you for being so kind in your posts!

sryamy · 05-04-2005, 03:19 PM

Rhonda,

Your story is so familar, I can't tell. I am two years out and still struggle. I didn't have a phyc exam either and now seeking some. Anytime you want to chatt, just need a hug, just let me know.

Sindi
open 12/10/02
298/167/145

Gladitsme · 05-04-2005, 04:22 PM

Rhonda,

You're in good company. I was never raped, but I certainly went thru a time of believing the only thing anyone cared about was my body, and once I got fat, even more so. I too have a man who has loved me thru thick and thicker.

Have you read the Pouch Rules for Dummies? Seems like there's some very good suggestions in it.

Best wishes, and keep on being here. I have no idea what to suggest regarding your little one. If you do come up with something, let me know.

Dara · 05-04-2005, 04:32 PM

Rhonda:

Unfortunately, your story is one that is all too familiar. I have said it many times. I believe that sexual abuse is one of the most common threads with morbidly obese individuals, especially women. The violation, devastation, betrayal, self-loathing, and deep-set guilt contributes so much to our weight gain and our self-destructive behaviors.

We are definitely the walking wounded sometimes and we're never gonna be perfect, but we're here and we're succeeding. We are living proof that we can survive and overcome. We don't have to live and die as victims.

Please feel free to post, even about painful things in your life. We're here to support you, just as we would like support from you. You're not alone.

By the way, 92 lbs. is a TREMENDOUS feat. Please don't take it lightly. You have done a fantastic job with your tool. Keep up the great work. We're here for you.

twokids · 05-05-2005, 07:51 AM

I do thank all of you for your kind words. I have printed the pouch rules for dummies out but haven't had time to read any of it yet. I do have good news to add to my depressing story..

After college I was a PE teacher and coach for two years before moving back to South Dakota and getting married. I couldn't get a teaching job, so started working at a property management firm. We have 500 units in South Dakota. Now, my husband and I are in the process of purchasing the business from my boss. They are retiring and selling. Talk about stress!

I went to school to be a PE teacher not a business owner! I am very confident in the business, just not myself and how the business end of it works.

One of my biggest motivations for having wls was my children. I wanted to spend a long life and see all of their achievements throughout the years. I wanted to take them to ball practice, dance class, etc. and not have the other kids make fun of them because of their fat mother! I think this feeling increased after my son was born.

If I were to give anyone advise about the surgery, I would say "stay off of the scale!" I found it so fun to get on the scale every morning and watch it go down 2 pounds a day. But it didn't last. I am now lucky if it goes down 2 pounds in 2 weeks! Recently I took the scale and put it in the closet. I don't want to see that thing for a month or two! The fear of regaining is so real and I think others feel the same.

Once again, thanks for this wonderful place to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with such good people!

watergirl · 05-05-2005, 08:14 AM

Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share your story with us. Always remember, we are here for you, just like we hope you'll be there for us. This is a two way street and a wonderful soft place to land.

I'm 9 months out and am lucky if I loose a pound in a week or two. My weight loss significantly dropped at around 5 months out. I have to struggle for every pound. I work at it just about every day. The honeymoon was over quickly, so I had to re-read the pouch rules for dummies to get my head on straight. It really works! I wish you all the best in the remainder of your journey.

God Bless!

LizardQueen · 05-05-2005, 11:15 AM

Thanks so much for sharing your story. You have a lot of stressful stuff going on right now. It may not hurt to get a little professional help. I get all my help here. This place keeps me sane and not feeling so alone. It's great to have people who know where you are and how hard it was to get there. Wishing you the best of luck in your new business venture and your life!!

Amber

twokids · 05-05-2005, 11:20 AM

Thank You Amber!!

twokids · 05-11-2005, 06:55 AM

As all of you know, our clothes never fit, so this morning I went to my husbands closet and grabbed a shirt. wooo hooo it fits!!!!

This is one exciting day for me! When we met, he wore a size 33 jeans and I was in a size 24. I always felt like the Goodyear Blimp - now 12 years later, he is wearing a 38 and I am wearing his shirts!! I had no idea it would make me feel so good to wear my husbands clothes... (what a freak I am, ha ha) This made me feel so good I grabbed a pair of his jeans, and yep, they fit. Too tight to get zipped, but hey I had them buttoned and would have never imainged being the same size as him.

I think when I was getting ready for work this morning it was the first time I actually saw the "new" me. I didn't see 322 pounds anymore. I tucked in the shirt, wearing a belt, and told myself I am looking good!

OK, so I'm still an 18, but with this new found sense of self-esteem, I know I can begin to lose again. Thanks to all of you for helping me get to this point!

twokids · 05-13-2005, 07:34 AM

Thought I would share some pictures with all of you. The first (me standing) is the night before sugery (all 322 pounds) The next is my family in November 2004 (3 months post-op) and last is my avatar taken last night (down 92 pounds)

I am starting to see the difference in my mind. It is a mental process that is slow, but I feel it happening!

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