Why is this so damn hard for me? - ThinnerTimes

Hawaiianese Girl · 05-02-2008, 11:44 AM

Hello everyone,

I began my "story" in the "introduce yourself" forum but I feel as if I need to move the rest of my story to this forum so you may see a few things repeated.

My partner, Danita, had lap. RNY (3/24/08) one week before I had mine (3/31/08). We have both been pretty miserable but I'm feeling the brunt of the misery. I've been attributing it to her being a week ahead of me, but who knows why she's had things easier than I have. We've been very depressed about a lot of things since surgery but I guess the biggest is not being able to eat "normally". Every freakin commercial on TV shows awesome food and people eating that awesome food, normally. All we can do is sit back and take notice of how we can't hardly eat a thing. As if it wasn't bad enough that we can't eat normal food...does it HAVE to be so damn uncomfortable going down? And the fact that we have to analyze every morsel of food to death, before putting it nervously in our mouths, is driving me crazy. I'm in tears typing this right now because I feel like screaming, "What in the hell have I done???"

We have both gone back and forth with our crying spells and second-guessing our decision but Danita seems to be accepting her new life a little easier than I am. I guess it doesn't help that I was moving right along with recovery when all of a sudden, for the past 7 days, I've been in excruciating pain on my left side every time I move. I feel as if I have backslided into week one. The pain shoots out from my biggest incision and sort of wraps itself around my left side and "attacks" my back. WTF is going on there? On top of that, they jacked up my left leg during surgery and now it's numb and hurts and feels like it's on fire all at the same time. I'm just so sick of being in pain all the time. (I'm going to the doctor on Tuesday, by the way.)
I'm also sick of not being able to eat more than 3 bites of something without it hurting going down. Then there's the FUN FUN part where you get to sit and wait to see if a dumping session will begin or not. This is B.S. Who can live like this? I sware I wish I was fat again. At least I would feel normal. At least I'd be happy, eating normally. As it is right now, I'm walking around here all hunched over to the left like the G.D. hunchback of Notre Dame, suffering in pain!

Why don't I see anybody else talking about this stuff? I WISH like hell someobdy would've told me about all the bad stuff that was going to happen to me after I got this surgery because I sure as hell would've thought about it longer. And what's up with losing 23 lbs and then gaining 3 or 4 lbs back? Is this what I have to look forward to? Suffering and going through all this b.s. to not lose weight, but to gain it back?

Sorry for the vent...but it's real.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME THAT I WILL FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!!!!

P.S. - God I'd kill for a Coke and some fried chicken right about now.

nikkibeat · 05-02-2008, 12:27 PM

Hello Hawaiianese Girl,

Thank you for posting your story with us. You will find support and help here on TT.
I am sorry that you are not doing well and it is making you regret your decision. I can certainly identify with your desparation. I have had those thoughts cross my mind, too- but they quickly pass!

PLease talk to your doc asap about the pain you are experiencing, I don;t think it is normal... Sometimes you have to be a squeeky wheel and bother him before he takes you seriously. Make sure he knows the extent of the pain,

Being that you are just 5 weeks out, you may want to stick to a bland pureed diet. Your pouch is still healing. Soft should still be key at 5 weeks, especially if you are having so much trouble. Once you eat something that your pouch does not like, it usually takes a few meals of soft and bland to feel up to trying something else.

My nut says that some reasons things may hurt going down, can be eating too fast, taking too big of a bite, not chewing enough. I am not sure if you are already doing these things or not, but I thought I would pass this info on to you incase it helps!

Please don't let it get to you. Your body and emotions will "even out" soon. Give it time. And pamper yourself! You are worth it!

Hope you hang around for a while. There are many knowledgeable people in this forum who can help you!
-Nikki

CiCi · 05-02-2008, 12:58 PM

Hi Girl.

I can so totally identify with a lot of what you are saying. I was miserable for what seems like the first 6 months, but really, I was most miserable about the mental changes I was making. It was so hard wanting to just feel normal again. I wanted to eat normal, move normal, BE normal, but I wasn't anymore. The changes your body are in the process of making are necessary and this is only the beginning. Although it will probably get a little worse before it's better, you WILL eventually feel better again.

I still struggle sometimes, wanting to just chow on a piece of pizza or burger. But I look at an old picture and I remind myself why I did this in the first place.

You probably still have yet to see any "real" results and that is depressing but you will. Hang in there. Your body is making a HUGE adjustment. I don't want to patronize you but you will feel better. You're going to go through some tough times so your body & mind can accept this new pouch... it'll be a struggle but you can do it.

Try to stay positive about what the future holds... try to look forward and have faith that it'll come in time. I know it's extremely hard but you can do it.

Let us know how you are doing. These boards literally saved me at times!

CiCi · 05-02-2008, 01:01 PM

And yes, Nikki's giving you some good advice. If you haven't already, go back to bland, soft foods. I know it's not satisfying, but it's better than hurting. And maybe sit outside if it's nice rather than watching those terribly tempting food commercials... I know that was SO hard for me!!!

goingslimfast · 05-02-2008, 02:21 PM

I sure remember those days right after surgery. Yes, I went through the moments of regret and "what did I just do?" to waiting and dreading the "dumping" sessions after eating a few bites.

I so remember that left side incision, and how bad it hurt - hurt so bad that I needed help from my partner to get out of bed. I even cried!

Just give it time (I know, not what you want to hear) but give it another month, and a month after that, and before you know it....you'll totally forget the earlier torture and pain and you'll be admiring your new body.

And eating "normal" will come in time.

Just take it easy and we'll see you on the skinny side.

We're here for you, and you can vent anytime.

Remember, you just had the surgery....

Teresa <><

Hawaiianese Girl · 05-05-2008, 11:31 AM

Aloha!!

Thank you Nikki, CiCi and GoingSlimFast.....I really appreciate all your support. You all made me feel a lot better.

I actually have reached a turning point. On Saturday morning (2 days ago) I woke up in NO pain, for the first time since my surgery and since that dreadful pain in my left side had hit me. It just ...disappeared! This reaffirms my belief that scar tissue had built up around that incision and I guess every time I moved, it ripped away or broke up and now it's gone. Amazing.
I also have begun to accept that this is how my life is going to be now. Something, I'm not sure what, happened over the weekend to help me be more accepting. I still look at people on TV with some jealousy when I see them eating whatever they want, but it's not as bad. Maybe time has helped me.

However, I am pretty frustrated with my NON weight loss right now. At the end of this week I'll have 6 full weeks under my belt since surgery and I've been stuck at the same weight for weeks. I even gained 4 lbs! I just started to be able to eat and enjoy a little bit of regular food...please don't tell me I have to go back to liquids! Say it ain't so!! When will this weight loss embargo that my body has started, end?

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is the day I go to the surgeon and ask him wtf is wrong with my leg. I'll update tomorrow.

Thanks again,
Hawaiian

CiCi · 05-05-2008, 12:17 PM

Not only your leg, but be sure and tell him about all of your issues... even the ones that have resided. You'll need his medical advice. Also, ask about what you should and should not be eating/drinking right now.

I've always felt very secure knowing that if I follow my doc's advice, I'll stay on track (even when the inevitable plateaus come along).

Do let us know how your visit goes! I'm so glad to hear you are doing better!!

nikkibeat · 05-05-2008, 12:22 PM

Yes, we would love to know how things go tomorrow. Good luck!

I would hope that you would not have to go to liquids again as well. I know it sucks, but when my pouch get agitated, I have to give it a rest for at least a meal or 2, before it wants to accept anything else. Something soft, maybe pureed usually works. I don't think anyone really likes to do it, but from time to time it's a must to recover and get back to eating what you want!

MichelleND · 05-05-2008, 01:47 PM

I know that you are venting, but OMG you made me laugh so hard. I had my surgery on March 10 2008 and have had some of the same thoughts that you have had. I just keep reminding myself of all the things that totally depressed me about being overweight. My thing that I am soooooooo sick of is being out and eating something and oh, hey excuse me while I go throw up. It gets so old.

We can do this new life!!!! Keep venting!

Michelle

mistymee · 05-05-2008, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawaiianese Girl

Aloha!!

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is the day I go to the surgeon and ask him wtf is wrong with my leg. I'll update tomorrow.

Thanks again,
Hawaiian

So you don't forget anything, tonight sit down and write a list of all the symptoms you've been suffering as well as a list of questions you want answered.

For me it is the only way I don't forget something, often important!

Have your surgeon go through both lists with you and don't let him off the hook with a "wait & see" on a numb leg.. easy for him to say, it isn't HIS leg that's numb.