Not for the faint: Tanya's Story - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

Blueyz · 04-09-2005, 07:35 PM

Tanya~
We are all here for you and hope that we can be supportive through your journey. I agree with Vanessa about the REAL stories and life events...it is so good to know where everyone came from and the ordeals that went on throughout childhood.

lealphachienne · 04-09-2005, 07:40 PM

It's a common and horrenduous theme that plays out in so many lives. Statistics say that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boys will be sexually abused by the time they're 18. And that's just the numbers of those who talk about it! You are strong and courageous to take the first step in dealing with the trauma. It will deifintely come up big time post-op as you start feel and look better. Keep going to a shrink afterwards. I have been seeing mine for a year and a half now. She has helped tremendously before and during this transformation.

I too am a survivor. Keep strong and know that you're not alone.

JohnsWife4Life · 04-09-2005, 08:56 PM

Wow, what memories this thread has brought to me. Tanya, I cried while reading your post, and made me think of my mother, who was seriously warped over sex. She was raped at the age of 12, by 8 men, one was sentenced to a small time the others also let go for some reason. My grandfather did more time for beating one of them up than the guys that raped my mother. I am sorry you had to go through that.

While reading the replies here, something happened in my head and my heart, a light I guess.

I had my first orgasm when I was two years old. I know shocking. I remember it very well, because it was on my sisters hip, she was carrying me across the street. From that day on, that was just the light of my world. Couldn't keep away from it. I have been a serious nymphomaniac since that day. I don't know if it was wrong, and I don't know if I knew it was wrong when it started, but somewhere getting caught I suppose, because I know it was a secret from then on also. But I still got caught because I was on everything. My cousins did things to me when I was 5, one was 14, I never told anyone because I didn't want to get in trouble, and I liked it with my other cousin, my age, but the 14 year old I did not. When I was nine my cousin laid on top of me and was trying to pull my pants down and my mom walked in and it was humilating. She was yelling, and she had a house full of women having a B-Line party. My mom and his mom hadnt spoke to each other in three years, so he didn't get in trouble. My mom made me model short dresses for these ladies and they all shamed me. They talked about how did I know about having babies at my age. I didn't. I had no clue what they were talking about, but I knew they were talking about my shame. Later after they left, my father ripped my clothes off and beat me, then fell over on me holding me crying his eyes out. I think that kept me the virgin I was for a very long time. But until reading your posts, I always thought I was playing nasty and it was a bad thing to do so we keep it a secret. I realize tonight that although I had a sexual drive, that didn't make me "informed" nor did I have any clue what was happening, I only knew it was bad and it felt good. OMG, I had a weight gain that summer, and got chubby, utnil I had my tonsils out. It all makes sense now. All these years I thought it was my fault because I liked it. I got beat for having sex, because my parents thought that was what I was doing at 9 because I had been masterbaiting since I was two. I didn't stay chubby then.

I started gaining weight while married to my first husband because he would beat anyone up that even looked at me, but later that changed and he started beating me up if anyone looked at me. Then after he beat me, and I mean bloody, busted lips and eyebrows, he would make wild passionate love to me, and I would be sick and say no, but I liked what he did and ended up giving in. I just realized, that I didn't really want to have sex with him after he beat me up, but that thing of mine has a mind of its own. He would come home and throw me down and yank my panties off and smell them and ask who I was f--- today. I stopped wearing panties when he ripped my last pair off. In fact I stopped wearing clothes. I would not get dressed until my husband came in, then I would take a bath and put my make up on so he would see I only did it for him.

I didn't know for twenty years that when my father beat me that night, that they had made my cousin watch. When he wanted to discuss it I was like omg no I can't I don't want to, and he said he needed to, becaue for twenty years he had lived with the shame of what my father had done to me and it had been his fault. He said he became an alcoholic over what happend to me that night. By being an alcoholic he passed out on top of his newborn son and suffocated him to the point of severe brain damage, and on and on, how the whole ugly thing comes out in a season.

It is the most wonderful thing to have a place to come to where we can express our feelings, tell our stories, and have no fear of rejection. I would never have been able to recognize what I just did, because I would have never been able to even talk about this because I just don't. I always thought it was my fault because I am a wicked sinner.

Hugs,

Traci

tazbabygirl69 · 04-09-2005, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JOHNS_WIFE_4_LIFE

I always thought it was my fault because I am a wicked sinner.

Hugs,

Traci

You are not a sinner and it was not your fault. It took me the longest time to come to terms with that. I blamed myself. My mother blamed herself. The only one's who took no blame were the guys and the babysitter. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. In this case, although unpleasant, I believe it all led to me having my son. You see, I probably wouldn't have been with his dad if I had had more self-esteem. I needed to be with this man and that was the only way it was going to happen.

P.S. welcome to the nympho club.

JohnsWife4Life · 04-10-2005, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tazbabygirl69

You are not a sinner and it was not your fault. It took me the longest time to come to terms with that. I blamed myself. My mother blamed herself. The only one's who took no blame were the guys and the babysitter. I still believe that everything happens for a reason. In this case, although unpleasant, I believe it all led to me having my son. You see, I probably wouldn't have been with his dad if I had had more self-esteem. I needed to be with this man and that was the only way it was going to happen.

P.S. welcome to the nympho club.

awwe, thanks, and I see it isn't my fault now, however, we are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners. We are all sinners. If we aren't then that makes the Bible a lie.

Hugs,

Traci

Barbarajo · 04-10-2005, 07:57 AM

I have walked the same path as most of you on this site. I was molested every day from 5th grade to 8th grade by my brother and his friends. Then molested by my grandfather all the while being beaten every day by my father who had rage issues.

I put weight on to not be attractive to the opposite sex. But in between Jr high and high school I took it off and became addicted to sex and the power behind it. I wanted to do the men what they had done to me. I would do whatever it took to get them to fall in love with me and then I would slam them emotionally and walk away. It felt so powerful. I was really just destroying myself more each time. But I didn't see it that way. I was young and emotionally severly injured.

I was married at 18 had my son at 20 and divorced by 21. I went back out to sleep around. Ended up getting raped 2 differnt times and made a mental decision along the way to protect myself with fat. If I am not attractive they won't want to have sex with me. This worked wonders for a long time.

I went and got counseling years and years of it through the years. And had done the 12 steps for women molested as childeren. Then about 5 years ago I started teaching 12 steps at my church. I was working on my eating issues.... I finally got freedom from my fear of losing weight about a year and 1/2 ago, but I could not get the weight off. I have tried everthing through the years. Nothing worked for me. I always gained weight.

The one thread that I always saw in my weight loss was if a man told me that I was looking good and loosing weight then I would do self sabatoge and start eating. It took me all these years to identify this problem. Now I realize that I do this self sabatoge. Recently (in the past month or so since my surgery) my pastor asked me how I was doing with my self sabatoge, I told him great, but two days later I ate for two hours following some creapy guy telling me how great I was looking. I caught myself and stopped and prayed and asked my pastor to pray for me as well.

I am also now married to a wonderful man for 13 years and have been faithful to him for all these years which is a mirical considering my past. We are madly in love with each other. I could not have asked for a better husband. He knows my past and loves me through it. He supports me in everything I do at church in 12-steps in my singing and everything else. God has truley blessed me. And Dan has been the best support system for me through the WLS surgery.

I know that I am not out of the woods mentaly with the whole lossing weight thing. I know that there will still be days when fear rears it's ugly head at me and I will probably attempt to eat my way through it. But knowledge is a powerful thing and prayer and support is also a powerful thing. I will use every single tool along the way to get healthy physically and emotionally. Cuz I don't want to be a victim any more. I want to be happy, healthy and enjoy my life. All that bad stuff happend so many years ago and took so much of my life away. I don't want it taking another day of my life. My past is past and it does not have to control what I do today any more. I chose to be healthy..... I chose to be happy...... I chose to be skinny,

tazbabygirl69 · 04-10-2005, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barbarajo

All that bad stuff happend so many years ago and took so much of my life away. I don't want it taking another day of my life. My past is past and it does not have to control what I do today any more. I chose to be healthy..... I chose to be happy...... I chose to be skinny,

AMEN!

We all have choices to make. For the longest time, those people won because I chose to allow them to. I lived in fear (not really living). It has only been in the last few years that I said no more. The choices I make now are for a better life for me.

Tara · 04-10-2005, 11:03 AM

Tanya,
I two think our prior experiences make who we are today! Even with your extreme pain that you have experienced, you seem to have put yourself on the right path to do what is in your heart. I think you are a very strong woman and have an adorable son! Like any addiction, food becomes our comfort. I am 2 months out and I am still struggling with the mind aspect. This is not an easy way out and people that say it is are just not informed. Don't let them think for you. You know the truth. Good luck in your journey!

Barbarajo · 04-10-2005, 03:55 PM

I had someone say to me last night that I took the cheaters way out. Wow I was shoked to hear it from her. I even asked her to repeat it because she knows how difficult it has been for me. She repeated the same words. cheaters way out. I have also heard easy way out. These people are either way miss informed or have never struggled with a food addiction. These two comments came from very skinny people, who have been skinny all there lives.

lealphachienne · 04-10-2005, 04:29 PM

It's just a tragedy that society in general blame the children! God created this wonderful gift of sexuality and has created our bodies to enjoy sexual touches. Actually, the sexual response does start when you're about 2. It's not the child's fault. Even during the abusive event, a child may feel pleasure, which adds the the shame one feels. It's just so sick how mankind has twisted this all around! It's a wonder that anyone survives!