Voyage into your conscience - Page 6 - ThinnerTimes

Vim&Vigour · 03-23-2008, 08:27 PM

Beth,
Not an easy place for ANY Mother to go!
Well done for seeing with your own eyes and taking your own initiative in your joint relationship!
I think we spend so much time digesting our own Mother/daughter relationship that I for one often forget - or have not had the energy - to nurture my daughter's and my relationship, something that I am actively seeking to amend!
Vim

Vim&Vigour · 06-15-2008, 04:58 PM

The Honeymoon is over… Vim’s Vent!

I’m wobbling on the crest with the option of going down or clambering up – choice is mine but I’m not seizing it… Why? “Don’t care” I say. First time that I’ve heard myself in this frame of mind since my surgery. Only, it’s been lasting a couple of weeks now…

I AM very happy, in spite of what I write BUT I am allowing stressful situations to be “valid” excuses. They are genuine facts BUT I SHOULD choose the opposite option.

10 days ago I reached my 6 months surgiversary. Already! Can’t believe it! I am thrilled with my weight loss: exactly halfway to goal!

Yesterday was the one year death anniversary of my 89 year old Mother. It feels strange not having heard her voice in one year, not having spoken with her most days of 52 weeks. I had been at her bedside for the last week of her life and her death and its aftermath was very peaceful and efficient.

I am so excited and delighted with the major and substantial renovations of my own home – at this stage half way through. Everything is looking great and the overall outcome is just what I have been hoping for. However, I have been having lots of annoying inconveniences with fitting the kitchen – a catalogue of errors, taken with patience and philosophy, but still it is a farce! Luckily I get away from the building site and live in my husband’s home for a few days!

The outcome of my surgery procedure and recovery have in a sense been “too easy”. No side-effects, no pain… I have never dumped, I can eat ANYTHING and behave totally “normally”, exactly as pre-op. The benefits have been immediate and impressive and such a life enhancer. Improved health and agility, mood, energy, happiness, confidence and strength. In a sense, the whole ride has been “too good to be true” and I am mistrusting myself.

Yes, bereavement, moving home (clearing out, packing up and selling my Mother’s; doing the same for my workplace (at the same time) and gutting/refurbishing my own home, and my RNY surgery and celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary to my prince charming, all within a year are indeed individually and jointly “stress” factors but which I have enjoyed undertaking, in my stride. I am exceptionally fortunate that any work I do fits around my private life, not the other way round.

It feels as though my “adrenaline rush” is coming to an end, that there are no “highs” in my life, that the “big feelings” are replaced with harmonious continuations. I am very, very busy, thriving on my activities and very aware and enjoying how fortunate I am. I have more than most. There have been many stones under my life bed of roses. I have loved and lost, been abused, suffered, survived and even thrived in spite of it all. I have come out of it all, aged 50 “vindicated” through channeled happiness of all the “unfairnesses”. I have for the first time in 20 years a strong hand of cards.

So, why is the “honeymoon” over? Because the “euphoria” has evaporated, being replaced with the allegorical “dirty dishes from the great dinner party”. The “behind the scenes” view is coming to the fore. I’m at the stage where I should clear up the dishes, polish up and get on with it before moving on to the next task, grateful that the “dinner party” turned out so well and is a “memorable event”. Walking away from dirty dishes piled high does nothing for one’s morale and whenever one comes back to them, they’ll still be there, worse than before.

So, wherein lie persuasive powers to put mind over matter? I know it “all” off by heart, can recite, prescribe and dictate to others. But, putting into practice myself? Why, oh why, am I banging my head at a brick wall when the door is right next to it, open even? Why don’t I just walk through the door, even if it means lifting my feet up over the threshold?

Am off now to try to apply mind over matter and conjuring up new carrots for the next 6 months. Striving for goals to keep the interest and keenness alive. This means taking a aware look at my present diet, change the exercise, up the vitamins/proteins/water and just get back on track.

See you soon!
Cheers,
Vim

bridgetgirl · 06-15-2008, 05:22 PM

Beautiful dear sweet friend, Im sorry I missed this thread until today. 6 months out, feeling like you do is completely normal. Peeps 6-9 months out will "get the blues". I thik its because the excitement is normal, your new lifestyle has settled in with you and your family. You look "normal" and your recovery has been thankfully uneventful. You are doing what is expected, you have been a great patient, mother, friend, daughter, sister, wife,TT'er, etc

Now you are in the "what more" or "what next" stage. Some develop habits, some fight their new beauty and its appeal to others, some rely solely that this new beauty will be the band aid for their infected relationships, some leave the board all together because they feel unappreciated. This can possible effect you, just keep thigs in perspective through the emotioal change you are going through at this point. Give because you like to. Do the things you enjoy regardless of the response. What I am telling you may come across like jibberish, but whe you have a day whe you feel like "your gonna blow your top" (aka scream) come back to theis thread and your post. It is great thought on where you are at in different times of your journey.

Now, Im going to answer your original inquiry: Digging deeper. I get asked occassionally why Im still here, why I continue to support people when its most often thankless. I do it because I like it, I do it because I feel like people need me, and my wisdom and guidance. Its not arrogance on my part. I truly feel every person who has WLS and their success or not reflects upon me. You know how we are hearing "horror" stories, and the "oh yeah they gained all their weight back" stories. I want all my WLS peeps to keep 85% of that weight off, because if I can do it, anyone can. I dont know why I feel personally responsible, I dont know why I try and assist people to get back o track and back to basics, I dont know why I try to help people get sober, I just feel personal about it, I dont mind it, its not a burden. So as long as Dr C has this site up, as long as I have internet access I will never leave. As long as I see a fellow WLS brother or sister stumbling I will always speak to them, reach out to them. Often they dont want the help, but I tried and did all that I can to try and help. I want people to realize their own individual power, this helps me rediscover mine too.

I hope this feedback was what you were looking for, it felt good to release it.

Vim&Vigour · 06-15-2008, 05:43 PM

Thank you Dear Bridget for your wise words!

I understand EXACTLY what you mean - you have now helped my by giving my vent a "context" and a new "framework".
As I was choosing in which thread of mine to put this latest post, I came across my very first, novice posts - boy have I come a longer way since then!
It is indeed precisely people like you who help fish up (no pun intended but perhaps apt!) the no-longer novices, not yet seniors, the grouting between the tiles! Thank you for "being there".
From your own threads and posts, I suspect that you are still online TTF as though you are in some kind of pact of gratitude with your life. As though it is a "drug" that pulls you yourself forward, absolving all ills on the way. Sort of making up for all the little hurts that fester into bigger ones, those that you have suffered along your way. You have chosen the path of "surviving and thriving" rather than going under (albeit then for a little while until you figured out how to get out of the traps you found yourself in).
I suspect this WLS is only really effective on those who are born strong in the first place, but who have become submissive/accepting of stronger, often ill-minded adults, whom we were supposed to "trust and respect". (Part of the Survivors' Group details...).
Thank you Bridget for being you! You are a very much needed voice that I seek on TTF.
Keep well,
Cheers,
Vim

Godsblessedme · 06-15-2008, 06:37 PM

awww Vim i love the way you write your words

blessings to you and many more to come...

Gwen · 06-16-2008, 02:22 AM

...... and this time it is even more poignant: "I am not very good with words" but you seem to hit the nail on the head every time

I feel it is time to meet again = WFS or any other suggestions?

Please let me know when it suits you?

XXX

Vim&Vigour · 06-16-2008, 04:49 PM

Thank you Deborah!
Nice warm, fuzzy feeling!
Gwen,
I agree completely! WFS sounds good.
End of next week? I'll call you on Wednesday to arrange date and time!
Some serious, intensive talking to be done!
Looking very much forward to it!
Cheers,
Vim

Gwen · 06-17-2008, 05:21 AM

Ping me when you're on Skype again - preferably during the daytime and we can have a chat (unfortunately not voice) and make firm arrangements - I really look forward to meeting up again!

XXX

Vim&Vigour · 06-17-2008, 09:57 AM

Hello Gwen!

Good talking with you today - I look forward to hopefully meeting up on Wednesday next week - like an "illicit rendez-vous", somewhere neutral, in the open, off the motorway! Fun!

Another interpretation of my redefinition came to me this afternoon.
I'm sitting at the office computer, with the sun beaming onto my screen, making any reading very difficult, so say the least. However, I had to be able to see the screen because I needed to press on.
I turned the screen sideways, up and down, put a dark cover across the top on one corner, then the other one... no doing - damn screen still imperceptible to the naked eye. Tried wearing sunglasses... Fixed a cardboard folder to the window pane...
For my professional pride, standard, efficiency, reputation and stubbornness, I just had to get on with my work and therefore was focused. What I was experimenting with was moving around my work circle, one radius at a time.
I am not trying to reinvent my wls wheel, only trying to get to the core through several attempts at finding a suitable radius. I am determined to succeed, even though the process is time-consuming and irritating.

By the same token, I have a suitcase with an integrated 3 wheel lock mechanism. Unfortunately, it got stuck after my last trip and somehow it "remembered" an incorrect combination. I was damned if I was going to get rid of the suitcase and worse, hire a firm to "unlock" the combination. So, whilst prepared to do some of the uncoding work myself, I delegated the uninspiring task to my eternally patient husband. With immense patience he achieved unlocking it, and I in resetting the combination. However, whilst this is "clever" (delegating) in many situations I pat myself on my back for having managed, yet again, to get others to do my "dirty work: this time, ALAS, the toil is that much greater: I have to persevere with my own weight journey myself! I delegated to the surgeon the task of "cutting me down" and he met me half-"weigh" (couldn't resist that one!). It is rare for me to have to deal with my own "less desirables" and that is precisely what I am having to face, tackle and expedite to continue my weight loss.
Got it in one now! So, grin and bear it, sweat and toil and sweet success hopefully ensues!
Cheers,
Vim

Claire-in-Texas · 06-17-2008, 08:42 PM

Vim, I saw your post about the "honeymoon" of euphoria being over, and I have purposely not read the comments of others, wanting, instead, to respond to that particular post of yours, as you have so often done to mine (which I have gratefully accepted!).

I so get what you are talking about - you and I (and others, too, of course) got stuck in that total euphoria of what happened to us, and the fact that it WORKS! However, this is a journey, not a destination. The journey continues, as it will with you. You will reach your goal, and the euphoria will reign - and then there will come a time when you will think "Is this all there is?" because it will stop being euphoric and just be real.

I get that. I get it entirely.

Now I get euphoric moments in time, euphoric (honeymoon) feelings of pride in accomplishment, of achieving in spite of my mother's wrath, in spite of everything.

On to the next eurphoric moment, dear Vim!!!

There are many more in your future!