Voyage into your conscience - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

kcb0928 · 03-17-2008, 01:29 PM

That is an amazing story and not very easy to come out with. I know how hard it can be to talk about things such as that. I admire you immensely for being able to be brave and honest enough with yourself and others to tell your story and dig deep within yourself to help others face what you may term a difficult past....

My father molested my older sister (she is 13 years older) for 10 years, it started when she was 6. I do not remember if there was anything in the form of sexual abuse done to me but there was plenty of mental and physical. Years later we found out he molested my little brother (he is 6 years younger). He was 5 when he came to me about it. Everything went crazy after that. He was taken away b/c my mother wouldn't stay away from my father...she believed him over her children, which being a mother now completely astounds me. I was 11 almost 12 and went down hill, I first turned to drugs and alcohol then my mother died when I was 13, she had just gotten full custody back 3 weeks before she passed, small wonder huh? Must have been in Gods plan.....

So my sister whom I adore and always have took him and I in to her home with her 2 children and husband. They have been the parents to me that mine could never be. It has been a long and painful process. I guess you could say that I started to turn to food when I could no longer turn to drugs. That was about the age of 15. I wanted something to take the pain away and when my sister went through the drug with-drawl process with me and basically had "tough love" I no longer did drugs...that is until I moved out at 17. That is when I really started to gain the weight. In a year I gained close to 50lbs.

I got myself straight and stopped doing drugs completely when I turned 19, I also met my husband around this time. We were married when I turned 21...we got pregnant when I was 23. I went through post par-tum and then found out I am bipolar. All of the medicine they had me on trying to straighten my moods made me gain 60lbs in 3 months. And I was not able to get it off at all no mater what I did. Thank God I am now ok...well most of the time

....

My husband and I will be married 6 years in September and it has been a rocky 6 years. We were so young when we married I sometimes look back and think that we really should have waited longer. We dated 5 months then were married a year later. He has cheated on me and I am in the process of trying to forgive as it happened in December of 2007. So as I have been going through the emotional changes from the surgery I am also going through the emotional roller coaster with my marriage and within myself.

I try to stay positive because I know first hand that life is way too short.....and what I live by is this.....Those who stare at the past have their backs to the future.

I am keeping my head held high, my smile in place, and my hopes and dreams high. Sorry this was so long, I was just so inspired by the story that I also wanted to share to let people know there is a great and happy life ahead you just have to work for it and see the beauty of things not the bad.....

Vim&Vigour · 03-17-2008, 04:59 PM

Wow, what responses, what courage and how immensely kind of you to REALLY share!
I will reply tomorrow properly to each of you (it's midnight here!) - your replies deserve time and reflection. Thank you so very much!

Cheers!
Vim

fisher1000 · 03-20-2008, 09:16 PM

I came back to this thread to post my 1000th post because I liked where this thread was taking me. I like introspection...over the years, I feel I've gotten quite good at analyzing me. I've also gotten good at lying to myself about where I fit in this world. My niche has always been hazy and peripheral, but as days go by now, it's becoming more and more clear, more corporeal, more real.

In this moment, at midnight on March 21st, my mind is in the universe, wandering around trying to reconcile life, transformations, God, relationships, psychology, and tons of other stuff. I'm thinking about the outer reaches of the universe and what may be beyond that. Are there other universes? What is beyond the beyond?

I wonder about that, and on that large scale, often. It is an attempt at breaking out of my own skin, my inner universe, and moving into a more theoretical space. I want to be outside my box at all times, I want to orbit my box, I want to be enlightened so much that I can never be back inside my box again.

I don't need the safety of my previous life, I want to be excited now. I want to do the things that I didn't think I deserved to do, that I didn't feel worthy enough to do. I don't want to just sit around in the waiting room forever...I want to live. I want to live inside this new universe that I think about all the time. I like the freedom, even metaphorically speaking, that space affords. I've been in a box for a long time, I want to be free-floating and stellar.

I want to be beyond everything I've known. I want to enjoy my 2nd chance, my reincarnation, my rebirth, my journey into my universe...

-Mike

Phoenixfire · 03-20-2008, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

I felt a little surge of thought about the emotional side of all we're discussing and manifested this:

So do I perch much longer—
Do I seek new heights—
Or do I change into a phoenix—
And opt to now ignite?

-Mike

Be the Phoenix Mike.

(It's the symbol I found for myself, after rising from the ashes, and it's brilliantly tattooed on my back for the world to see. Well, not the WHOLE world...)

MiladyB · 03-20-2008, 10:26 PM

Vim, I appreciate this post so much. I feel it is so important to look deep within ourselves and attempt to understand. I have always felt that if I could only "understand" I would have the strength to overcome. This journey of understanding is what healed my inner self enough so that I could love myself enough to take the step of surgery. I know that I would have never been able to take that step if I never came to the point where I could love myself.

I started writing poetry about 10 years ago. I never dreamed that my writings would be my source of healing but they were. My poetry tells my story in ways I could never have told it before.

For me, I didn't have a terrible life. I honestly was loved and treasured by both of my parents but my Mother held such feelings of guilt for the birth of my sister who was born with a physical handicap called Turners Syndrome. My mother saw that my sister struggled emotionally and physically in life because of her "difference" and she was always so afraid that I would "out shine" my sister so there was very little outward praise given to me. When I started to put on weight as a child I think it angered my mother. I think she felt that I was born healthy and that the struggles I was having with my weight were things within my control but the struggles my sister had physically were out of my sister's control.

My issues with weight put a huge strain between my Mother and myself. I know she only wanted the best for me but her constant comments about "You would be so beautiful if you only lost weight." or..."Don't you want a boyfriend?"....Don't you ever want to get married and have children?" Well as a teenager all I heard in my head was....you are ugly and undesirable. I was not one to have friends in school. I was teased, laughed at and I would come home to comments about how it would be different if I lost the weight. Those comments weren't what I needed as a child...I just needed to be held and my Mother just couldn't bring herself to do that. As I result I grew up feeling like I was a disappointment to my Mother. Almost every thought in my life, every decision was based on "would it make my mother happy?"..and I always felt as if I failed.

I know my Mother loves me and that she was doing what she thought was best. I know all she wanted was for me to have this wonderful life, without pain or struggle but the more weight I put on, the more she tried to control my life and I turned to food out of anger and to give me something I could control for myself.

For all of my life until now, my weight always was an issue that placed a huge chasm between me and my Mother. She was there when I needed her, she supported me but I always felt this wall that just didn't go away and the more weight I put on the wider and deeper that chasm became until I almost felt like her supportive words were being yelled at me across the Grand Canyon. It had come to a point that she no longer would touch me and what hurt me the most was the day she admitted to me that she just couldn't bring herself to hugging me because my weight made her so uncomfortable. Even though my head told me I was loved....I never felt more unloved.

I had to come to a point in my life where I allowed that inner child to scream, cry and I needed to allow myself to hold and comfort that child. That is what my poetry has done for me...and once I released all of that pain I was able to forgive and heal.

Vim, the links on my signature are a blog I've started in regards to the road I have been on to my inner healing. The other is a collection of my poetry. I've always been hesitant to share it because it is so personal. I've never felt that anyone besides myself would understand the words but Jim talked me into blogging and bringing many of my words to light. So I've taken a huge step in faith by letting others read my words.

It kind of scares me to share some of my words. You know a lot of my poetry actually frightened me. So many of the words are so dark and tormented. I know it is some of the old tapes that still play in my head but I still worry about what people will think of me when they read poetry filled with such blackness. I have to admit that it makes me feel very vulnerable but over the years I have seen over and over again how within my moments of greatest weakness I find my greatest strength.

Vim, thank you for nudging my weakness out of me so that I can continue to heal.

MiladyB · 03-20-2008, 11:21 PM

I just wanted to share this with those of you reading this thread. These were words that I gave myself one day as a gift. They were the words I so often longed to hear as a child...and I needed them to heal.

Child Of Difference

An angel silently sits close,
to a child filled with hope.
A hand upon a tousled head,
its wings a protective cloak.

Crystalline tears overflow its eyes;
the child is passed without a glance.
Ostracized. Differentiated.
Condemned without a chance.

Deplorable, despicable entity,
scum of the earth to the world's eyes.
The child's care-free innocent years,
give birth to tears that will never dry.

~

Oh, child of my heart I know,
the pain you now hold inside.
I wish I could whisper it away,
and in peace you'll forever abide.

But that is not the ways of this world,
many fear those different from them.
Just know you're wrapped in a special love,
forever bestowed the strength to mend.

You will be blessed with rare understanding,
a gentle heart that is perpetually wise.
An ability to look past the physical,
seeing deeply what hides behind eyes.

A sensitivity to those who are hurting,
within their victories you will sing.
And within this pain that now is engraved,
you'll be protected forever in my wings.

©BAR
09/17/98

Vim&Vigour · 03-23-2008, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frances

You are a much braver woman than I believe I can ever be. I deal with my past on a daily basis, but I do not face it head on. I couldn't be as frank as you with your post.....some things are just too painful.

I guess in reading what I am writing, it sort of tells me what I need to know.

Dear Frances,

I have often come back to your post which I find honest, touching and interesting. I am curious as to what you define as "brave". For me "being brave" entails doing something which essentially is uncomfortable, frightening, exposing and denuding, more or less ready to be attacked. What I had written above is not by my standards "brave" - it is something that I have managed to word and put in the open after years of dealing with it. Posting about it when I felt at least sufficiently strong to stand on my own two legs.

You write you deal with your past on a daily basis. Is this not immensely tiring and wearing? Never giving you respite and a break from it? Always there to bug you, nag, tug? Timing is obviously all important. Sometimes one needs to be hurt to be relieved from hurt, such as when you need an anaesthetic injection in order to have a wound stitched up. Pain itself is relatively short-lived - the memory of having been in pain is another matter. Could you put yourself in a place and with a sufficiently large block of time to face your past, head-on? Knowledge is power. Know thy enemy and you shall be strong(er).

I did not mean to come and hurt - I was touched by the simplicity and honesty of your answer.

I wish you serenity and courage.

Vim

frances · 03-23-2008, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vim&Vigour

Dear Frances,

I have often come back to your post which I find honest, touching and interesting. I am curious as to what you define as "brave". For me "being brave" entails doing something which essentially is uncomfortable, frightening, exposing and denuding, more or less ready to be attacked. What I had written above is not by my standards "brave" - it is something that I have managed to word and put in the open after years of dealing with it. Posting about it when I felt at least sufficiently strong to stand on my own two legs.

You write you deal with your past on a daily basis. Is this not immensely tiring and wearing? Never giving you respite and a break from it? Always there to bug you, nag, tug? Timing is obviously all important. Sometimes one needs to be hurt to be relieved from hurt, such as when you need an anaesthetic injection in order to have a wound stitched up. Pain itself is relatively short-lived - the memory of having been in pain is another matter. Could you put yourself in a place and with a sufficiently large block of time to face your past, head-on? Knowledge is power. Know thy enemy and you shall be strong(er).

I did not mean to come and hurt - I was touched by the simplicity and honesty of your answer.

I wish you serenity and courage.

Vim

Let me start by saying that you should have no worries, your post did not hurt me nor did it stir up anything I am trying to hide - so, relax.

What it did do though is allow me to see an example of someone who is facing their past head on, and not collapsing under the pressure of it.

There will soon come a day when I will have to deal with my own personal 'demons' and either allow them to consume me completely or slay them in the classic mediaeval sense. I am leaning towards the latter as I have come so far, I don't think I want to give up.

I guess it really all boils down to choices. If you have been taught that the sky is green and someone tells you when you are an adult that it is really blue, then you have a choice as to which label you are going to put on it. Will it continue to be the color of a dark, forbeboding forest, or is it the beautiful azure blue of the Carribean? It's really up to the individual.

Vim&Vigour · 03-23-2008, 10:30 AM

Dearest Mike,

How in the world did I get to 402 pounds?
Such a simple question and what a complex answer! We are indeed supposed to be "educated", knowledgeable... How large have our blinkers been, and for how long???

My childhood was not abnormal, there weren't mitigating factors that affected me psychologically, but there was food. Every celebration was about the food. Every birthday, every family get together, every day there was food everywhere, and a lot of it.
If we look at the hospitable nations of this world, we see large individuals, well endowed but until the last 5-10 years not really obese. Take the Mediterraneans, Middle-Easterns - think of all the honey, sweetness, olive oil, and nuts... Yet again, all natural produce of their regions... My Arab men friends tell me they subconsciously "feed" their wives so as to be certain that she will stay with them, i.e. ultimately, having produced children and put on weight, they will not leave the marriage and instead ensure that the comfort of the males is seen to through cooking and cleaning. Mistresses are for entertainment and needs.
More Northern European cultures have been far more competitive, with women having long ago sought to equate men through careers, revived each time through the necessities of wars. And to survive at the top, you need to be strutting the best stuff. How many French women do you know who are morbidly obese? even obese? Until 10 years or so ago, there were hardly any - home cooking saw kept them in check. Fast food culture has interrupted the instinctive cycle.

I come from an obese family, and much I think for me was environmental. I learned habits at home that never included healthy eating or watching calories or exercising.
But we can now lead by example, help those around us to make more educated choices - we can become preachers thanks to our own experience!

I know that it can't be as simple as that. I know that I hit a lazy stride and eating was easier than dealing with stress. I liked food, and I made the choices I did, but I can't discount how, as my weight increased, so did the amount of food I ate. It was a continuous cycle that I couldn't break out of. The more I weighed, the more I ate, so that I would feel better about being stared at, made fun of, ridiculed, not taken seriously, etc.
We have to be so very strong to be able to break the vicious circle and actually even see from a detached platform what we are involved in. How many times when you have accomplished any task whatsoever does one actually step back and check it over for exactitude if not for satisfaction of a job well done?

I don't have that emotional support anymore. My main support system now only holds about 4 ounces. I'm dealing with things head on in a way I haven't really done before. It's made me moody, emotional, and a sometimes ass. People talk about the psychological and emotional effects of this surgery. It's not necessarily chemical for everyone, I think; it's the loss of habitual rituals. We could deal with things before because we had caloric comfort. Without that, things have a higher degree of clarity and we must make different decisions and that's very difficult to get used to. I often find myself being in a bad mood for no other reason than I want to eat and can't. Which means that whatever stresses are happening must be dealt with whether I am soothed or not. The whole process has made me much more pensive, analytical, and cynical to a point.
How well you expressed what I feel! One aspect of our post-surgery which I have not really seen posted is finding alternative comforts which are non-destructive. I wouldn’t go as far as saying transfer of addictions!

I like to think I am in a process of becoming a more fair minded thinker--better adept at detecting bullshit, but also more compassionate and empathetic. I created a world of carefully structured lies to get me to 402 pounds. As I tear down that structure, I have to get used to living in the open, and being comfortable in the open, because the whole world is where I live now, not just the microcosm of the fat, protected world I created.
I identify with your reference to a world of carefully structured lies. I am sure it will be easily recognisable to most of us!

Thank you Mike – your words are refreshing and inspiring – old words on this Forum, but still they stand the passage of time and use!
Your friend,
Vim

Vim&Vigour · 03-23-2008, 10:40 AM

Frances,
I like your analogies and the way you think! Seems familiar!
Hope to catch you on Skype one day!
Vim