Voyage into your conscience - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

Claire-in-Texas · 03-16-2008, 06:00 PM

My G-d, Mike -- I can see your soul, such a beautiful soul.....

Persephone · 03-16-2008, 06:30 PM

I love this thread and I love reading Vim's writing!!! I briefly skimmed the surface (i'm currently at work) and will fully dive in a little later.

Here are some surface thoughts:

When I was seven I was found hiding in a closet eating my aunt's birthday gift of those puffy peppermints that melt in your mouth. My dad found me and was disgusted that I had devoured them all by myself. He was a new dad to me. My mom had married him 6 weeks after meeting him and I barely knew him. I remember feeling ashamed and humiliated. I was active at that time. Star soccer player of the Blue Angels (won the sportsmanship award)

When we moved into the family home I became far less active and would spend hours in my room transported by books. They became my best friends and I didnt go outside so much anymore. I would sneak food into my room. eat and read. eat and read.

When I was 14, mom enrolled me in weight watchers that summer. I weighed 140 lbs and successfully lost 10 lbs. I looked good at 130! The school year brought changes. I was enrolled in a public school for the first time since 6th grade. Coming from a private school of less then 100 students K-12 it was a shock to the system and I had not yet developed the proper social skills. Going into the lunch room was torture so I would buy bread sticks, scones, etc from the vendor just inside the door and then retreat to the hallway. I gained that 10lbs plus some in no time.

To be continued from home. I am now done with work.

Nyn · 03-16-2008, 07:19 PM

Vim always starts such amazing discussions! Thanks for this...

Claire, I've always known that you're one of the people on here that takes this journey to a deep place, and I appreciate that.

Mike, your poem hit me in the chest. I'm not really a poetry person, but every now and then I find one that touches my heart, and yours is one of those. Thank you for sharing that. I loved the last line especially -- I've always loved the imagery of the phoenix, rising and burning.

As for me, and my deeper journey -- well, I've been dealing with mental issues since a very young age. I was a star as a child -- a sports hero since the age of 6, and an honour student even earlier. I was identified as gifted at the age of 5. I played sports competitively and was almost always the team leader and star. Because of this, I had sports every single day of my life, including private lessons. As you can imagine, this was a lot of pressure, and I had a sort of breakdown at the age of 11.

I continued with my sports until I graduated high school and decided not to pursue playing in college. Instead, I pursued private interests such as taekwondo, which is an individual sport and I found much more relaxing. However, the move from high school (small pond) to a large university (HUGE pond) was a bit of a shock. I was no longer the star -- which on one hand was a huge relief, but on the other was a very private and depressing let down. I no longer had a team so then I moved more into my own head, and that was the start of me building the walls around myself.

I started gaining weight in college, but it wasn't until I got into law school and faced several more private and family-related fiascos and challenges that I really packed on the pounds. My schedule was insane (working full time in the day and going to school until 10pm) and I honestly believe that I was undiagnosed depressive for several years. I do often spend time pondering my life and how I got to this place. Even when I was at my largest, my general good health and natural athleticism allowed me to be in denial about how bad it was. I could still move around with relative ease. It is only through looking at photos that I see the truth. And the truth...well, that is like the shadowy door in a horror movie. Do you really want to open it up and face the axe-wielding monster?

Claire-in-Texas · 03-16-2008, 07:25 PM

Nyn, thank you for your thoughts and your depth.

I truly believe that it is necessary to dig deep to have any level of permanent success with wls.

This is a magnificent thread....

fisher1000 · 03-16-2008, 07:56 PM

Nyn,

You can be that star still.

How you got to anyplace is less significant than where you're going from here. I think that's what Vim is getting at--and probably is the reason that we have to learn history. You must know the heart and soul of previous actions in order to make new and better decisions from today and onward.

We can't embrace a future that has no roots. We only get through the future because we got through the past.

I packed on the pounds in college, too, but it was because I stopped working out. Yes, I was eating pizza and french fries every day, but I was doing that in high school, but then spending two hours in the gym four or five times a week. I would even stop at McDonald's on the way home from the gym for a milkshake to help me "cool down!" But I maintained my weight because I was young, the metabolism was there, and I was exercising.

College was lazytime. I slept late, laid around, ate whatever I wanted, and guess what? I gained over 40 pounds my first year in college. By the time I graduated, I was over 330 pounds! (Even with seeing a nutritionist and trying LA Weight Loss--which back then meant a lot of supplements which ultimately made me sick and almost put me in the hospital!) It's not like I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I was just choosing to be comfortable, not knowing that emotionally I was breaking into little pieces that could only be soothed by more eating.

This pouch helped me focus my own history, as I'm sure it's done for you and everyone else who has had the surgery. What I should do is crystal clear--what I will do is still up in the air. I'm still adjusting, I'm still human--albeit I'm a better human now.

I like the phoenix metaphor as well...I was thinking about how I almost burned myself up, and then rose out of the ashes in this new incarnation. I very much believe that I have been reborn and I'm AMAZED at what the human body, the human mind, science and doctors--all of it--can do!

I KNOW you can still be the star--you shine for me already!

-Mike

Persephone · 03-16-2008, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

I felt a little surge of thought about the emotional side of all we're discussing and manifested this:

An eagle and a sparrow
Create the soul of me
They are different in effect
But they live in the same tree.
The sparrow life is easy
So I perch and just pretend
That I’m part of the same sky
That other birds fly in.
The eagle flies sometimes
But then, only in response
To things beyond the sparrow’s heart
Or anxious renaissance.
I want the eagle all the time
And overcome the sparrow
But my tree is not that sturdy
And the sap is sick and yellow.
If I unleash the eagle,
What will the outcome be?
If I desert the sparrow,
Will I find validity?
So, do I perch much longer—
Do I seek new heights—
Or do I change into a phoenix—
And opt to now ignite?

-Mike

wow. just. wow. I am blown away. This started the waterworks. It's a journey into the soul.

Vim&Vigour · 03-17-2008, 02:16 AM

My dear Friends,
I am rushing to go to work and would like the time to respond to you each the way you fully deserve. I am very touched by your sharing with me your innermost and I feel that you know exactly the kind of journey I am on. So, pack your knapsacks and a light lunch and off we go! Perhaps we can get more of us on Skype and talk in private?
I will answer this thread this evening.
Best to you all,
Vim

Omaha Jim · 03-17-2008, 10:49 AM

Vim my friend.

You and I have had several conversations, and I am one that is often not at a loss for words......

Right now I am.

I need to take this subject in and meditate upon it for awhile. I hope you know how much I appreciate our friendship both here and outside of the forum. I have often wondered if I use my humor to cover the reality of the drudgery. I am less that 3% away from no longer being morbidly obese, and there is something swelling deep inside me - and I am not quite sure what or how it is going to manifest. I many not submit a reply on this for weeks, or it could explode in a day. I just do not know.

I am going slow on this one.

I echo my buddy Mike, the new Avvie is stunning - you are a beautiful woman. (Don't tell Stephan I said that, aw what the heck, go ahead, I look forward to his response!)

Thank you for your openness.

Gwen · 03-17-2008, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omaha Jim

I need to take this subject in and meditate upon it for awhile. I hope you know how much I appreciate our friendship both here and outside of the forum. I have often wondered if I use my humor to cover the reality of the drudgery. I am less that 3% away from no longer being morbidly obese, and there is something swelling deep inside me - and I am not quite sure what or how it is going to manifest. I many not submit a reply on this for weeks, or it could explode in a day. I just do not know.

I am going slow on this one.

Thank you for your openness.

Dearest Dearest Vim

I saw your post last night, before I went to bed, and unfortunately words are not my strong point so I did not, and still do not, know how to respond, but for the moment I feel that Jim has spoken for me too.

Thank you sooooo much for sharing this and for always provoking such great topics - you always make me think......

Hugs to you Sweetie

XXX

Gwen · 03-17-2008, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisher1000

I felt a little surge of thought about the emotional side of all we're discussing and manifested this:

An eagle and a sparrow
Create the soul of me
They are different in effect
But they live in the same tree.
The sparrow life is easy
So I perch and just pretend
That I’m part of the same sky
That other birds fly in.
The eagle flies sometimes
But then, only in response
To things beyond the sparrow’s heart
Or anxious renaissance.
I want the eagle all the time
And overcome the sparrow
But my tree is not that sturdy
And the sap is sick and yellow.
If I unleash the eagle,
What will the outcome be?
If I desert the sparrow,
Will I find validity?
So, do I perch much longer—
Do I seek new heights—
Or do I change into a phoenix—
And opt to now ignite?

-Mike

.... has a poem spoken to me like this one - I can just echo what Nyn has written above

WOW Mike - that is just awesome - absolutely awesome

How beautiful is your soul?

XXX