My weight loss journal - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Gladitsme · 04-05-2005, 05:27 PM

Where do I start? Food = love in my family. My mom, who I look just like, was overweight all her adult life. Ok this is really weird. My brother has her driver's license from when she died, and her weight was 265. She died when I was 5 of leukemia. From diagnosis to her death was a very short period of time.

My mom was always on a diet, but never lost weight. So here I am, 5 years older than she was when she died, and I weigh 264.

I've tried pretty much everything in the book, would lose weight and gain it back over time. I was involved with OA for a while and gained (no pun intended) 'fat serenity' as they called it. But the next fad diet would come along and I'd try it again. As I got older, the weight came back quicker and quicker. After I was on the Sharp Weight Management program (very low calorie diet) I ate like I was starving. I felt out of control, getting shakes from McDonalds for breakfast for Pete's sake, eating dessert for meals, and then eating meals as well. Finally, when I went above the weight I started fasting at, I gave up. I decided I was just supposed to be fat, and ate whatever I wanted.

I gave away all my "thin" clothes, I'd gotten to a size 16, and swelled right back up.

Last fall, it started to really bug me again. Arms too short to reach things that needed cleaning on my body, if ya know what I mean. Feeling like I'm wider than I am tall, pretending not to notice all the rude stares or hear the snide comments. Not to mention the sad reality check of my very thin 11 year old folding some of my clothes. "Wow Mommy, these are really big."

I decided after the new year I was going to do something different. Something I've never had the courage to approach before. I've known about WLS for years -- stomach stapling, and then GB. My best friend had the surgery in January 2000. She's kept over 275# off, though her weight crept up on her there for a while. I kept hearing all these horror stories about women who had the surgery, only to die from it. I thought, maybe my friend was just lucky, but I won't be. I went to a weight loss seminar in December with another couple of surgeons, and scheduled an appointment with my PCP in January.

He's the one who told me I hadn't tried hard enough, and if I would just exercise more and eat less. . . But he did send the request for consulation with Dr. Callery thru the utilization review committee. And they approvied it in less than 2 weeks. So, my husband and I went to the orientation seminar on 3/8.

I filled out my paperwork fairly quickly, but then there was the part about family members, and I knew my uncle was failing. I had listed him as alive on my forms, and when he died on the 11th of March, I didn't have the heart to change the form, and so I held onto it for a little while, and sent it out on 3/17 listing him as deceased. He died 2 weeks before his 86th birthday.

I have my consult appointment with Kelly on 4/15, and seems like it can't come soon enough for me. Especially after having the gallbladder pain. I've been drinking over a gallon of water a day since last Thursday. It's helping though. Hurrah.

I have fears about how it will impact my marriage, as my husband has had times of being overly controlling, and we came very close to violence with each other when we were first married. I know I'm going to change and part of that will be getting more assertive, and that's going to be threatening to him (and me). But we've been married almost 19 years, and I intend to be with him until one of us dies. I love him and he loves me. We both love our sons, and are good parents to them. I may eat my words later, but we vowed before God and everybody (including my uncle who married us) that we'd stay together. If necessary, we'll drag each other to counseling. LOL

Adopting our first son was the best thing we could have done for our marriage, because we were required to be in family therapy with him, and learning how to be a team as parents helped us be a team as partners.

We've made it through infertility, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, adopting our son who was very challenging, trying to adopt again, losing out on one little boy, then a set of three children because my husband refused them, then an 10 month old little girl we both refused because of her age and how abused she'd been -- there was no way we could take her without me quitting my job -- and then the referral for our second son. He's been with us since 1/26/03, and we're still waiting to finalize the adoption. We've been to court 17 times and are waiting for the results of the final appeal from the birth father. That's been an emotional and financial strain because of all the parties, we were the only ones who had to pay our own attorney.

Sheesh, I wonder why I ate so much?

So, I'm here, doing the hurry up and wait again. Trying to get medical records from Scripps Clinic for the weight loss stuff I did there.

Mr AOR · 04-05-2005, 06:08 PM

That's a very candid and insightful posting! I think you have a wonderful perspective. I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle. You'll have an extra somebody watching over you when you go in for your surgery in a couple months.

We can all relate to your ongoing battle with dieting and your weight. It truly sucks that your PCP is telling you haven't tried hard enough. That is such a crock - I know that getting through this process was tough enough, but add to it that your primary may not be totally on your side, that makes it very rough!

In my case, the startes and comments don't seem to go away. I've carried that mentality for so long, that I still feel like I'm being looked at cuz I'm different. If it's not because I'm so huge anymore, then it's because of the loose skin, or god knows what else.

Sounds like you and your family has been through a lot. You know about dealing with challenges and fighting for something you believe in. Now it's time for you to be selfish (and I mean this in only the best sense) and take care of yourself. Your relationships and person growth will only strengthen through this whole experience.

Best of luck with everything, and let us know how your appt with Kelly goes! We're all rootin' for you!

Gladitsme · 04-06-2005, 10:15 AM

Thanks Mike! I felt like I was spilling my guts when I wrote that, but it helps me to clarify in my own mind what I'm feeling and why I'm where I am.

My Uncle Haden was an extraordinary man and I love him so much. He was there for me always and in all ways. Oops, I'm at work, no time for tears.

I appreciate you reading my ramblings and look forward to getting to know you all better.

Christina · 04-06-2005, 12:52 PM

Nancy,

I am sorry to hear about your Uncle. My favorite Uncle suddenly passed away on January 11th last year, two days before I had my first meeting at Dr. Callery's office. I almost cancelled that appointment, especially since my Dad was my buddy and it was his last Brother.. My Dad was just devistated from this loss. It is never easy to lose someone you love, but I am glad he got 83 great years on this Earth. My uncle only had 55.

Wishing you lots of luck through your process.. and a safe and speedy recovery when you have surgery.

That was a great post.. keep it going..

LizardQueen · 04-06-2005, 12:58 PM

I'm glad you were able to be so candid! I better you feel better now. Sometimes it's great just to get things out. You sound like an amazing person to me. I'm sure your sons aren't starved for any attention! Stress made me eat for years, but never again. I had given up too, but now I see some light at the end of the tunnel. Please keep us updated on how things are going!

watergirl · 04-06-2005, 01:59 PM

My heart goes out to you. It doesn't seem that long ago, I was feeling these similar feelings.

Things will change, but you have the right idea, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Stress affects people so differently. I remember wishing that I would be the type that would not eat if stressed, but we all know the ending to that story.

I'm wishing you the best of luck in this journey.

Gladitsme · 04-06-2005, 03:32 PM

Thanks everyone,

I feel safe here, which is nice. You've all been or are where I am physically, and you get it. There's not a lot of places I can feel this way. At one point my husband was giving the eat less and exercise more lecture to me, and I suggested he carry around an extra 100 lb sack of whatever and see how much he felt like jogging or working out. He never said it again.

I miss my huney though, he's in Las Vegas for work (no REALLY) and won't be back until Friday. The boys are missing him too, and my youngest, Joey had a nightmare last night and was screaming, "Mommy, mommy, mommy" I went running to him, and he was asleep. I stroked his arm and head, and he lifted up a bit and said, "Oh you're here." And then went right back to sleep. He's such a precious little guy. James was in the bathtub when my huney called so he didn't get to talk to his daddy. He was really sad about that, but when we tried to call back, there was no answer. John (huney) told me he was going out with his best friend, so I figured he wouldn't be able to hear his phone.

Gladitsme · 04-11-2005, 02:13 PM

I've actually lost about 3 lbs from my low fat diet.

After a couple more jolts of ouch, I decided that I'd stick with the diet. (Major drumroll here) I've actually stopped drinking all soda. I've been drinking very weak green tea, water and juice.

I went for my mammogram on Friday, and it was not as bad as I feared. They didn't squish me to pancake proportions, and so it didn't even really hurt.

I guess they've updated their protocols.

Now I'm just waiting for EC Support Group meeting on Wed, and Kelly consult on Friday. . .