A New Me! - ThinnerTimes

JohnsWife4Life · 03-26-2005, 08:26 PM

The last night I worked before I just took two weeks off was a very rough night. They needed me as early as I could get there, and I got there at 1800, an hour early. 15 hours slipped by in what seemed like seconds, other than the aching muscles and strands of hair falling down my face, it appeared to be the end of another "one of those shifts". I had gotten there in time to eat a meal, a good one, and was the first time I had ever been able to eat in the cafateria before work. So I was good to go for that shift.

On the way out this other nurse looks at me and says, "well I know you are going home, because you sure aren't presentable for the day shift". I was like "OMG" how rude is that? My hair was up in a ball, thinning, so gumball size ball, lol, but I have a tremendous amount of new growth, so it was all sticking out in whisps. I was thinning long before surgery and never even had hopes that my hair loss from surgery would regrow. It has and it is healthy. So I left the hospital and went and ran errands until the beauty shops opened, and I went into the second one I saw, had my hair cut very short. That lady or anyone else will not ever say that to me again.

I went to my office and picked up a check after I got my hair cut, and somehow ended up getting another picture taken. I wasn't ready for it really, didn't want to do it then, as I stated before it was a bad night before and it was already going on 1100, I still had to go to Lancaster to get the kids, then drive back to San Diego, not to mention I had been up early before work, like about 1000. It was past 24 hours anyway. But the office manager insisted, lol. I cried when I saw that picture. As bad as the picture was for the setting and all, it was still a different person. I have not had a picture. I have not seen myself except in the mirror, and I can't see a thin person, but this picture is the picture of a thin person. I know my loosey is still there, but I cried tears of joy and sadness and all that was in me, and I knew that something had changed in me, and something had to change in my life.

So I am separating from John. I found the crack in our foundation, the one we built on the Lord, our love for Him and each other. It is gambling. I am shocked and heart broken to find that he is so far gone that he has no intention of pulling out from it. I have no intention of soaking my money into that. I make the bulk of the money and I put the bulk of mine in his account. I have been working very hard and trying to over come all the years of my hardship. My disability ran out 2.5 months before surgery and I couldn't go back to work until June, but I thought we were getting a grip. I know I have taken back all the bills I used to pay before I lost my income. Because John has "appeared to be so distracted because of his pain from spinal stenosis". I was giving him money to pay these things and he was "forgetting" or he was paying other things. Our son goes to tai kwon do and we pay $100.00 a month for that. So I gave him 100 every month for that then found out it hadn't been paid for four months. So I paid that off.

That was the day I also went to San Diego, for the second time finding things wrong in my marriage.

Last night I went down there to pick him up to come up here to set up the motorhome so I can move in it while I remodel my house. He had all the chances to "woo" me back as I had said he would have to do, but stayed on the computer, playing poker.

I found out he has been gambling on line for money. And after I told him he had to "woo" me back he went to the casino and gambled there with the money he was supposed to pay the phone with. LOL, not to mention he has a book and is studying the "sport".

On the way up here to Lancaster this afternoon, my son played a song called "the reason" by Hoobastank. Something came over me, and I sang that song good, and I used my own words to my husband, and they fit really well, and he definitely got the message. I sang how I loved him with all my heart and would never stop but that I finally found a reason to change, the person I used to beeeee, and the reason is ME, and the reason is ME. I had my son play it again and I sang another version, and everyone understood that I found a reason to live on and move on and the reason is me. So with my new hair do, and state of mind, I intend to move on without John for now.

I met John in Church that I was faithful to for 16 years, he came 3 years after me. We believe the same things, and have always based our love and marriage on the Lord. I have not changed my beliefs. So for now divorce is out of the question. I don't want to do anything so drastic as that, because I don't want the wrath of God upon my life. I also don't believe in cheating either, so as much as I talk, I guess I am without a man in my life for now, or at least in my bed, because John will continue to be in my life, and I will continue with my doctors down there. I will just have my own life for now. He knows I cannot or will not cheat, and I know the same of him, so he may never see that I cannot live like that.

My granddaughter is moving to Texas next week, her daddy is finally home from the war for a few months. So I have made my decision to break the habit of my darling baby Lei Lani, my loving husband John, and my cigarettes all at the same time. I will replace the space I share with them with Nights out on the Town dancing, staying trim and getting more healthy.

I have lost some weight again, and my beta carotene is 30, my lutene is 42. I don't know what that means, but I am tired, short of breath and couldn't take the 4 flights of stairs but the first time up the other night, and thought I was going to passout.

I want to live a new life, and I am certainly glad that the crack in my marriage has nothing to do with my weight loss surgerybecause I have nothing to feel guilty about. I could compete if it was a woman or something tangible, but this is going to be his disease, and he will have to deal with it, and without my money.

Wish me well on my new journey into celebacy, and healthy living!

Hugs,

Traci

Groovey kinda Love · 03-26-2005, 08:45 PM

Traci,
I don't know what to say as my heart was acking with you as I read your post. I guess the only thing resonable to say is this..... remember the God that brought you two together and who you built your love and relationship on?! Remember he is the same God as yesterday, today and forever more. Sometimes in our lives there comes a breaking point or a crack in our road as you ha said, but girl... don't give up and don't forget God still answers prayers and yes he is still on the throne. We are praying for you. Love ya email me if you need anything, I have big broad sholders I promise to listen.

Jeanie · 03-27-2005, 12:15 AM

I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. I'm sure once he figures out that you will not take the gambling he will quit. I say good for you for stadning up for yourself and not taking anymore. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that he comes around soon!

JohnsWife4Life · 03-27-2005, 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeanie

I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. I'm sure once he figures out that you will not take the gambling he will quit. I say good for you for stadning up for yourself and not taking anymore. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that he comes around soon!

Thanks Jeanie, I sure hope you are right.

Hugs,

Traci

xocats · 03-27-2005, 04:28 AM

Tracie,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time.
It sounds like your husband has become a compulsive gambler.
www.gam-anon.org might offer some support.
Be sure to get plenty of R & R during this stressful time.
It will be important to your health.
I wish you well & will pray for you.

Hugs

Mr AOR · 03-27-2005, 05:23 AM

Traci,

I don't know what to say. It took incredible courage to share all of that with us here, but I imagine that in some ways, it feels good to have it off your chest and "out there."

I think you have a good perspective on things, and although it's obviously extremely painful, it sounds like you're trying to live your life in a healthy, honest way. That's a good thing!

Please continue to come to us as the need materializes. I'm so sorry that these things have happened to you. There must be a greater plan in the mix, somewhere!

I wish you all the best in your new journeys, and take care.

sandi · 03-27-2005, 07:59 AM

Hang in there woman!
That's a rough road you're going down right now, but, you're stronger than that road, you DO have the foundation that you began with many years ago to hold you both up. Stand on that firm ground, keep the faith baby!!

JohnsWife4Life · 03-27-2005, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suezq

Traci,
I don't know what to say as my heart was acking with you as I read your post. I guess the only thing resonable to say is this..... remember the God that brought you two together and who you built your love and relationship on?! Remember he is the same God as yesterday, today and forever more. Sometimes in our lives there comes a breaking point or a crack in our road as you ha said, but girl... don't give up and don't forget God still answers prayers and yes he is still on the throne. We are praying for you. Love ya email me if you need anything, I have big broad sholders I promise to listen.

I was touched by your post Suezq. I know that He is the same yesterday, today, and always. It is not He that moves but is us that move from him. I know I have.

I posted to you last night, but I guess I never hit send, I was too tired to think straight. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Traci

Groovey kinda Love · 03-27-2005, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JOHNS_WIFE_4_LIFE

I was touched by your post Suezq. I know that He is the same yesterday, today, and always. It is not He that moves but is us that move from him. I know I have.

I posted to you last night, but I guess I never hit send, I was too tired to think straight. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Traci

Traci,
That is what I am here for, If I can be of help, encouragement or just to shed a little love and light I will go that mile.

watergirl · 03-27-2005, 04:31 PM

I'm so sorry to hear your pain. I know how hard a divorce can be, even when you want it. I hate to use a cliche, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". You will be stronger because of this.

I love that you're ready to take care of yourself and putting YOU first. I'm proud of you. Stay strong.

If God brings it to you, he'll see you through it! I'm here for you!