A New Me! - Page 4 - ThinnerTimes

JohnsWife4Life · 04-14-2005, 01:17 PM

I am still in San Diego, I haven't had the energy to leave. I have been crying every night, and making sure that John doesn't gamble, but the sad thing I realized last night, while laying in my bed, that other things have happened and what has come out of it, is that I realize that my marriage really is over. It isn't a maybe thing, it isn't about if he doesn't stop gamblinh. It appears that he hasn't gambled since I have been here. I realize I just can't keep lying to myself about me having the best marriage in the world. I don't and I am not willing to live in this torment.

I am not in a hurry to leave here, because Mark, is so disturbed by the fighting that has been going on. I didn't want to give up without a fight, but then I realized in the middle of the night, that I don't have any choice, because I don't even want to try. It has taken all of what is in me to give it that one last ditch effort, for the love, but there comes alot more than love. My best friend and lover, I feel I lost him three months ago. I won't know what to do without him, or where to go. I was thinking of going on a cruise, but then it is like well, I have been planning for a long time to take my husband on a smooth get away.

I guess there isn't much else to say other than I miss my life as I knew it.

Hugs,

Traci

Christina · 04-14-2005, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JOHNS_WIFE_4_LIFE

I am still in San Diego, I haven't had the energy to leave. I have been crying every night, and making sure that John doesn't gamble, but the sad thing I realized last night, while laying in my bed, that other things have happened and what has come out of it, is that I realize that my marriage really is over. It isn't a maybe thing, it isn't about if he doesn't stop gamblinh. It appears that he hasn't gambled since I have been here. I realize I just can't keep lying to myself about me having the best marriage in the world. I don't and I am not willing to live in this torment.

I am not in a hurry to leave here, because Mark, is so disturbed by the fighting that has been going on. I didn't want to give up without a fight, but then I realized in the middle of the night, that I don't have any choice, because I don't even want to try. It has taken all of what is in me to give it that one last ditch effort, for the love, but there comes alot more than love. My best friend and lover, I feel I lost him three months ago. I won't know what to do without him, or where to go. I was thinking of going on a cruise, but then it is like well, I have been planning for a long time to take my husband on a smooth get away.

I guess there isn't much else to say other than I miss my life as I knew it.

Hugs,

Traci

Traci,

First of all (((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) Girl. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know for many years I accepted behavior from people who didn't deserve my acceptance because I thought that I was lucky to just have someone want to be with me.. so I put up with it. I am not saying you are doing this..or did this.. but sometimes I would mask so well how my relationship was that everyone thought we were the "perfect couple" with no problems.. I even started believing it myself. That was scary. Finally I had to realize that my life was miserable and I was better off alone then with that type of person in my life. I don't know your whole situation but I do know that you are a strong, independant, and wonderful woman. You will be ok. I can't even fathom what you are going through but I want you to know that if you ever need me, I am here for you. Just know you are not alone.. not ever. We are all here for you whenever you need us. Anytime night or day.. I swear it doesn't matter. Especially in a week and a half.. I'll be out anyway on disability.. wake my butt up and make me walk..

I really do hope that you find peace and happiness again. Just worry about you right now.. My thoughts and prayers are with you girlfriend.. remember we're here for you.

JohnsWife4Life · 04-14-2005, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina

Traci,

First of all (((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) Girl. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know for many years I accepted behavior from people who didn't deserve my acceptance because I thought that I was lucky to just have someone want to be with me.. so I put up with it. I am not saying you are doing this..or did this.. but sometimes I would mask so well how my relationship was that everyone thought we were the "perfect couple" with no problems.. I even started believing it myself. That was scary. Finally I had to realize that my life was miserable and I was better off alone then with that type of person in my life. I don't know your whole situation but I do know that you are a strong, independant, and wonderful woman. You will be ok. I can't even fathom what you are going through but I want you to know that if you ever need me, I am here for you. Just know you are not alone.. not ever. We are all here for you whenever you need us. Anytime night or day.. I swear it doesn't matter. Especially in a week and a half.. I'll be out anyway on disability.. wake my butt up and make me walk..

I really do hope that you find peace and happiness again. Just worry about you right now.. My thoughts and prayers are with you girlfriend.. remember we're here for you.

Thank you very much Christina, I do appreciate that. I am all packed up and ready to go, I was just going to leave without saying anything, but I figured, this was going to be okay, and the anger is gone. I don't even know if I can feel anymore hurt, it feels numb now. That is a blessing. The truth has set in, and I believe this is what the Lord would have me to do at this time, and only God will save this marriage, because as far as I am concerned, we made love for the last time this morning, for the good times.

Hugs,

Traci

Blueyz · 04-14-2005, 09:03 PM

Traci~

Hang in there and stay strong. Just know you have us here to support you. I am sending hugs your way and strength to move on. It is all about you being happy.

Take care of yourself.

Groovey kinda Love · 04-14-2005, 09:36 PM

Traci,

I can't say I know your pain, your pain is very real and all I can say is, hang in there and don't give in. You are a fighter! I have walked that mile where you are at. The only difference is instead of gambling it was alcohol. He (x-husband) was an alcoholic and I thought well I must be lucky to have him... but honestly it was the other way around, he was lucky to have me. I just didn't see it. I wish I could be there for you, I would cry with you I just know it. Take care and know that we all care for you.

JohnsWife4Life · 04-15-2005, 02:38 AM

Thank You Dale and Suez, you just can't know how much this board means to me. If I couldn't come here and pour my heart out, I would keep it bottled up inside, and just become a walking time bomb.

I love you all,

Hugs,

Traci

Gladitsme · 04-15-2005, 12:35 PM

Traci,

I don't know what to say, other than to take good care of yourself. I'm sorry things have come to this point, and I hope you can work things out with your son.

Sunshine · 04-17-2005, 11:36 AM

Traci,
You deserve to be happy. Never be afraid to make your wishes happen.

Hugs to you!

JohnsWife4Life · 04-18-2005, 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loser2be

Traci,

I don't know what to say, other than to take good care of yourself. I'm sorry things have come to this point, and I hope you can work things out with your son.

Thank you very much Nancy, just knowing I have a place to come, even if it is just for myself. I appreciate you thinking of my son. At this point he is extremely vulnerable, and eating alot. I know it is up to me to keep it under control, without putting that nag on.

Thanks, and hugs,

Traci

JohnsWife4Life · 04-18-2005, 01:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine

Traci,
You deserve to be happy. Never be afraid to make your wishes happen.

Hugs to you!

Thank you very much Sunshine. You are right, I do deserve to be happy, but what I am finding out is that I don't think I can be happy without my husband. I am truly and deeply in love with him, as he is with me.

Hugs,

Traci

sorta like finding the bluebird in your own backyard!