barbana64

Dear Traci:
When someone wants you to join them in their "whateveritisness" they usually are asking for your agreement and confirmation that it is ok for them to continue doing whatever "it" is. Whether it is overeating, drinking, gambling, switching partners... Be true to your own convictions. I applaud your discoveries in living and taking care of yourself. Becoming aware, then giving ourselves the permission to change, then accepting the credit for the decision, hard work, constant effort to change is life-altering. We cannot change only "one" thing. Our resolve flows over into other areas of our lives. Then we have the courage and strength to help others. The "tough love" we need for ourselves is also good to use where our loved ones are concerned. The truths we learn are knowledge; the way we use those truths is wisdom.
Stay strong, Traci, and take good care of yourself first.
Much love and caring,
Barb C.

JohnsWife4Life

Thanks so much for your words Barb. I do know about "hoping the other will go along" syndrome.

I wouldn't mind if his behavior didn't change. Spending some money on a poker tournement really wasn't the issue.

I have realized something the last few days. I have been driving to work in Los Angeles from San Diego. I felt it was more important for me to be there with my son for spring break. I think my husband has a lot of time on his hands, because I am away so much. So while I don't take the blame, I do take responsibility for my own part. We are so secure with each other, that I have no worries in that department whatsoever. I work in LA and I try to work every other night and get about 6-10 days of work in then I go back to San Diego. I have left my husband alone too much.

The real test will come now. School starts tomorrow, I am back in Lancaster, and normal living will resume. I had two pay checks here waiting for me, because I chose to leave them in the office while I was in San Diego. I put one check in my account, usually they would both go in Johns account and I would take a hundred bucks out to run around with, gas, food, drinks, etc. So we will see. I did have to write him a check yesterday for 250 bucks, but I watched him pay the two electric bills on line.

As for me being strong, well I don't know. I have been planning on starting to go out dancing, but the thought of me out having fun without my husband, simply doesn't sound fun. I guess I am older than I thought, because I have found that I would rather sit home and do nothing with him, rather than to be with anyone else.

When we went gambling in October, I lost 1300 dollars, and he didn't say a word. I was the one that cried over it. I know it was my first time gambling, and I did allow myself that amount to be spent, I just figured I would win alot and that most of the money would go for our second wedding, lol, but, I know that it was a wicked thing to do, because as soon as I got home, things happened, I needed brakes, and this and that, now that the Christmas money was considerably less, I had to work more, but I got sick, so didn't work, and cried about the money some more. I was afraid I would have a problem, because I kept hearing the slot machines in my head. Every billboard was a casino, and then we got back to San Diego and I realize I have casinos in my back yard. I am loud and realized I had a potential problem with the gambling, but John, the silent but deadly type. I could never have guessed in a million years that my husband would have a problem with gambling.

Today is the first day of our real separation. I don't think he believes it because we made love several times over the weekend. I have to work, and at the moment my job is here, so he has to stay strong while I am gone, we will see.

Well, guess that is all for now.

Hugs,

Traci

JohnsWife4Life

Here I am, again, but I am not crying. I don't know what I feel. I took Lei Lani to the Zoo yesterday. It was a good time. We were supposed to leave for San Diego last night, me and the granddaughter to go to the beach. We are supposed to meet my daughter at the apartment, and go to Sea World on Sunday. It was supposed to be a sweet weekend saying good bye to our granddaughter.

Lets just say I spent many days there trying to work on our life. I had to work last Saturday in Tarzana so I had to leave the SD apartment by 1400.

Last night he told me he had been to the casino more times than he had fingers, and he had been as recent as last Sunday. I put three hundred in his account on Tuesday morning, and I put 900 in his account Thursday, so I had already done that by the time I found out. No he hasn't spent alot of money, but it is the idea, and this time he had my 12 year old son in on this lie of ommission. So I told him he didn't have to pay any bills or anything, that the money in his account is now his, because I don't want to leave him empty handed. I told him that the next time he wants money from me that he will need to seek an attorney to do so. It is so depressing, I just came into a group of money and he will miss out on this.

On a good note, my first husband owes me over 200 thousand dollars in child support, a court order of 664.00 a month for 18 years. They finally caught his butt last year, and on my birthday they started taking 1000.00 wage attatchment from him, and it has just caught up with me, I am really happy about that, after all these years of never getting any support, and always faithfully paying Johns first wife, we now have no more child support payments, and I suspect I will be receiving these large lump sums over the next several months, I dont know. I am getting 191.00 a week, but not called child support, this is only the interest they are collecting for me.

I just wish he had paid while his children were growing up because we were dirt poor, and our only treat day was food stamp day when they got to eat well for a couple weeks. When I think of the days I served up those wonderful half peanut butter sandwich for each meal to stretch the next three days till stamp day or pay day. I remember every single day, and I will never let him off the hook. He did it to himself, and now he is crying the blues because he has to pay for kids that are over 18 years old. ? Excuse me? And who paid the 18 years before they turned 18? Oh yes, me and John that is who.

I feel John has ownership in half of this money, because he took my three kids, without any hesitation, and loved them and supported them. But he yelled at me last night and told me he would gamble anytime he wanted to. So he can.

I won't be joining my family this weekend for Sea World, and I will probably sit here screaming in pain and stubborness, but I cannot go there now. I must distance myself completely. I have told him not to call or write, and that I will stay in touch with my son with my son's cell phone only. Right now I even intend to distance myself from my son, he is twelve, but if he covered for his dad, well, the bribes were flying I am sure, and I don't appreciate it, so my son is also in trouble with me, because while his dad went to the casino he was allowed to run wild on the city bus.

I don't know where I am going from here, but I know I am moving forward. I made a date with my friend to go out to the strip club on Wednesday night, and dancing on Friday night. I figure John is a free man right about now, and I guess I am a free woman.

I have been planning on giving my van to John and getting a cheaper car on gas, but I have certainly been feeling like I am a Toyota Celica girl now. What ya'll think, are we celica now or still a frumpy van? Can ya see me with the top down and the wind blowing through my butch hair cut, with a manicure! I had my first manicure last week, in Poway, man she sucked.

I don't know what to do with my new wedding set that is on layaway at Daniel's Jewelers. When I gamgled our second wedding money away in October, I should have known that wicked weekend in Vegas would lead to the destruction of my marriage. I own it, I won the second honeymoon. I chose the amount of money we would spend, it was all me. He only played one poker tournement the whole three days we were there.

I think April 8 was the day my marriage ended.

LizardQueen

Honey I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. I have a dear friend who jus thad to make a break from her husband because of gambling. She didn't find out until her house was foreclosed on and they were $50,000 in debt on credit cards, and he took out a loan for $20,000. Now she is starting all over again with nothing, but a bad credit report. She has had to file for bankruptcy. I never knew gambling was such a problem for some people. You take care of yourself and remember-THE REASON IS ME!

bridgetgirl

"Nothing is more upsetting but thinking makes it so." I dont know where I heard that from, but I have instilled it in my daily life.

So let me get this straight, your 12 year old lives with John?
DO you still intend on splitting half of the $$ with John? He is not entiltled to anything in my 2 cent worth opinion. What YOU are entitled to is RESPECT and LOYALTY. It is my feeling through these posts that he has NEITHER for you, yet you continue to respect and remain loyal to him. For what Traci? Lies, drama, emotional abuse? When are YOU going to put YOU first. You even said you figure Johns a free man, so your a free wmaon and going out. You justify what he is doing before you make a move. I dont understand why you keep justifying YOUR life but what John is doing? John is sitting on his behind, disabled or not... he has no problem playing poker for hours... customer service reps sit for as long! He is lying around while YOU take care of him. Where is YOUR self worth lil lady? What has he done for YOU lately? Sure he helped you raise your kids, but then again who was the primary income earner in the family?
You have devalued yourself Traci, taking less, not accepting more, being unselfish, thinking of others before you take care of yourself, always putting others needs before your own. You are grown! A grandmother even! When is this cycle of devalue, demoralization and self abuse going to stop? I dont see you putting yourself first honey, you try but you need a little bit more work. Am I starting to sound like Dr Laura here? I care about you, your one lil fireball and I would like to see you TRULY happy and have PEACE. I am here for you lil lady, I am not sure if I have offeded you with my "opinion" the "way I see things" story, I just care about you. Love your face... Bridge

__________________
J.Bridget Fisher aka koi-pea
2/9/04 lap 5'11"
298/170-trying to lose another 10

www.myspace.com/caliclovercutie
What Sawyer would call me on LOST: ladybug

"People will argue with you that getting what you want in life isn’t something you can learn, if you’re destined to be one of the worlds winners as opposed to one of its perpetual whiners, its because you have been born with the right talents and temperament and have a big dose of self-esteem, ambition, and good judgment." Kate White

JohnsWife4Life

Awwe, that was sweet. Thank you very much. I agree. One thing though, John does, and always has worked a good job. That is why we maintain the apartment in San Diego. John owns stock in his company. He should go on disability, but he won't. He makes good money. I just make more. He makes more if I don't work. I can make 13,000.00 a month if I kill myself. John never says a word if I don't work. He isnt a lazy loaf hon, he is truly a good man. I think in a total of all the tournements his most expensive one was 35 dollars, but he won 250. It isn't the money, it is the idea of the compulsive behavior. I have listened to your words Bridget, and there is alot of truth in that. I know John loves me and does respect me. I think though that he is selfish. I have known that for many years. Loving me is not the question here. I have noticed though, that I am spoiled for the most part, but the reality is that we have always done things John's way. He took care of me with no money for many years, and my kids. No that part there I presented him as some kind of a monster. He really isn't. He just doesnt see a problem. He thinks it is a money issue too, and that I am being obsurd because we have enough money that a little to the casino won't affect us. That is right, the money won't affect us. But the behavior is killing us. It is the same as with alcoholism or drug addiction, compulsion, It isn't now and never was the money. If I thought that one night of a big gamble fiasco would cure it I would take every penny I have and say here, gamble it away or make more, I don't care, but after this one time, it is over.

I wish someone could save me, and I do know the answer to all my problems, and it is just a matter of me turning my face to Jesus and seeking the peace and fulfillment that I long for.

Hugs, lets go out! I don't have to go to the apartment, I can get a hotel, and visit my son in the day and party all night.

JohnsWife4Life

Sad. Thanks Amber, I knew the problem existed for others, but never me. My sister also lost her brand new house in Vegas because her husband gambled it away.

I don't know what to say, because that has been our only problem in our marriage, credit cards, he gets them without telling me. He got four while I was recovering without any money. My disability ran out 2.5 months before my surgery, so he claims that is what he used the cards for. He didn't tell me about them until I started back to work. That is the part that makes him selfish. He gets a card, runs it up, then gets another one, and that is where every penny of his money goes, to the cards and to his rent. and I don't mean he used the cards for gambling, because I know he didn't, but he didn't tell me either, and when an obligation becomes a payment, then it is a partnership thing, so I didn't get the benefit of the card, just the surprise that it was in existance and now another monthly payment. I don't make any payments he does all that. I maintain the house in Lancaster, the Van, insurance, and up keep. I pay for the tae kwon do, and two cards that are in my name. He pays the rest, and anything left over if the other kids don't get it first we use for entertainment, movies, games, etc. I don't know what to do. I keep telling him everytime he uses the card I end up having to pay for it. I am like hello we have money why are u using the cards.

Maybe this has been going on alot longer than I know. But it couldn't have been. He just found out about syquan casino on Presidents day. I drove him there for his first tournement, he needed a map to get there.


I guess it doesn't matter now, though, because at this point in time he evidently would rather gamble than have a wife, so his choice, his loss. I have survived many things, the death of my mother being one, the death of a child being two, being brutally beaten over and over by my first husband, sending my daughter off to the war three times. I am a survivor. I hope he is.

Hugs,

Traci

JohnsWife4Life

WOW! I am thinking you are right girl. How could he love me and respect me? I could share the one very last thing that he did that really put me out the door, but I don't want to embarrass myself here or him either. Maybe I will tell ya in a drunken stupor sometime, if I ever get drunk. I don't get a signal on my cell phone out here in Lancaster, and I am always on line here, because I don't have television or even a radio out here. While I was living in San Diego my home was robbed several times, inside alone about 5 times. They destroyed the inside of my house basically. Partied in here, cooked my food, tore up my bathroom, took all my diamonds, DVD player VCR player, all the games systems we have had over the years, we have or had every system you can name, its all gone now. My lap top and my go cart were the first to go.

I guess I was calling everything love. I know he loves me, so everything is okay. Loyalty and respect, you are right, how can he claim either for me. And he doesn't, he only ever says how much he loves me.

Mark called me last night, and said "Dad is crying" I was like oh is he crying cuz I am not putting any money in his account, or is he crying because I threatened to tell his job he was using his company van to go gamble, or if he was crying because he wanted to be single but would miss my money. John hung up the phone and I haven't talked to him since. I don't want him to cry, I want him to stop, but I trusted him to be honest and not gamble or at least not to do it without telling me first. Yeah a grown man you wanna gamble you stand up and tell me ya goin not wait til I am 200 miles away and at least 25 hours gone. I just need help in not contacting him. I don't know how to do that. My son needs me, but I hate to snatch him from school. He would be miserable out here. There is nothing, no one, no where to walk, desert, dirt roads, that is it. I cannnot make him come here. The older kids hated it too and they had cars to get around in. I have to let him live his life for him, not for where mom is. He wouldn't hesitate to come out here and "take care of me" but he would hate it. He has been in San Diego for three years now, and I have been living in my suitcase and van since May last year. It is hard on him I know, and that is me being married to his dad. When I am gone maybe it will be better for him. When I come down it will be all for him, he won't have to share my time with his dad. I will wait on the Lord to show me the way I guess, I have no choice.

Hugs,

Traci

JohnsWife4Life

It is official, I am going to head down to San Diego sometime this evening to pack up my stuff from the apartment.

bridgetgirl

I love your face girlie, stay strong! You have my number if you need a friend. Thanks for setting things straight..... take care you.

__________________
J.Bridget Fisher aka koi-pea
2/9/04 lap 5'11"
298/170-trying to lose another 10

www.myspace.com/caliclovercutie
What Sawyer would call me on LOST: ladybug

"People will argue with you that getting what you want in life isn’t something you can learn, if you’re destined to be one of the worlds winners as opposed to one of its perpetual whiners, its because you have been born with the right talents and temperament and have a big dose of self-esteem, ambition, and good judgment." Kate White