A New Me! - Page 17 - ThinnerTimes

bridgetgirl · 08-02-2005, 09:55 AM

Sorry to hesr of your losses Traci, my mom is coming into town this Saturday, and I know she is going to turn my life ad household upside down until she returns to PA in September. Thanks for your story, I will try to be patient with her.

I love you lil lady!

JohnsWife4Life · 08-02-2005, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bridgetgirl

Sorry to hesr of your losses Traci, my mom is coming into town this Saturday, and I know she is going to turn my life ad household upside down until she returns to PA in September. Thanks for your story, I will try to be patient with her.

I love you lil lady!

Yeah babe, try to be passive, just let it roll on, and off, because you know how us moms are, we always think we know best. I think Robin hit it on the head, "we may not always be right, but we are NEVER wrong". What is funny is that my mama used to tell me things, and I would roll my eyes, or argue, but guess what? They all came to pass, just as she said. I can only think of two things she was wrong about. She used to tell me I was going to go to HELL for this or that, but in reality, once I was saved by the blood of the Lamb, nothing can pluck me from his hand. The second thing she ALWAYS said was the money was the root of all evil. Well she was part right. "The LOVE of money is the root of all evil". So be it, you only get one Mother, some are lucky to get a good mother in law. My first husbands Mama was dead long before I met him, and John's (rich mom) hated me, I was not good enough, and she died after meeting her only twice.

Sigh, the social worker came this morning, and as did the other one, closed our case. She spent quite a bit of time with us, considering how little time the other one spent, and "decided" we were not safe parents. WTF do they know in two freaking minutes?

I finally got a diagnosis for Mark, funny that the SW had it and I haven't even been told yet. His doctor did tell me he had Major Depression, but he didn't tell me he had ADHD as well. I knew that already, all my boys have it, as well as I think John did as a kid and now has adult ADHD. He went to the therapist just now, lol, I guess we will see his therapist together, I want him to know that John cannot stand to have the toilet paper turned the wrong way. Or that folding the clothes his way is a must.

I am thankful that Mark is not Bi Polar, at least not yet. They increased his medication yesterday to 150 mg of wellbutrin, and this morning they called to ask if they could start him on 25 mg of benadryl at night, for insomnia. I am thankful that it is not Trazadone.

Okay, that just about sums it all up for me.

I was gonna call you this morning to see if there is a coffee bean in your area of work. I ended up buying the whole kit n kaboodle to make my own at home. cost me 30 bucks, but in the long run will save me 55 bucks. Ha Ha, but this morning I weigh 119, so I may not be able to be drinking those yummy things much longer. Too bad, been enjoying at least two a day for months now. I will miss them.

Love you darlin!

Gladitsme · 08-02-2005, 02:33 PM

Traci,

I'm praying for your whole family. I couldn't make it to the picnic but wish I could just give you a great big hug. My mom died when I was barely 5, and I know how hard it is to be without a mom. It just never seems to end either.

JohnsWife4Life · 08-02-2005, 11:44 PM

Nancy, I cannot imagine how it must have been for you. My uncle died when my cousins were really young, and I saw how it destroyed the whole family and their childhood. I hope you have some fond memories of your mama, that is all we have to hang on to. Memories.

You are doing awesome girlie, a pound a day keeps the blues away!

Love you and wish I had met you too. We will meet up eventually, because I don't intend on going anywhere. This is the only place I go now, I just come in here when I get on line, and when I leave here I just get off line. I don't even want to go to yahoo these days.

We don't have to wait for a meeting or an event to get together, I am up for a walk or anything, most of the time. I don't work much any more, seems I am needed more in the family, and that is my first job. I do plan on working this weekend, up in Los Angeles of course. John and the boys are going to get a hotel and stay up there with me, so I can work more and not have to worry about Mark.

Thanks for your prayers, as I have said before, the power of prayer is awesome.

eyesthatkissu · 08-03-2005, 10:56 AM

I keep needing to reply to this thread.... there is just always so much I want to say, it all gets tangled up in my head, and I usually erase the post and promise myself to come back later. I'm going to try today so bare with me....

Fisrt of all, Traci.... your strength of character is so amazing. You have been delt so much, I know He only gives us what we can handle.... but goodness gratious. I'm so glad you and John are doing well. I am a firm believer in the "never give up" montra. I know it seems old fashioned and lacking, but I just think sometimes people use divorce as a way out. Marriage is very hard work, and it's hard work everyday. I don't know how you handle the situation with your children. Of course I pray for them all the time, especially Mark. But how as a mother you handle all of this is just phenominal.

Now's the part where I go down hill, and I hope you can bare with me.... Who in the hell... does your daughter think she is?!?!?! To EVER put her hands on you that way?!?! I'm so mad right now I'm shaking. I'm sure she could go to a million reasons why she thinks it's okay... I'm sure you would think you bare some responsibility... but NO! There is just no excuse for it! Sheesh it makes me so mad. What did John say?? I'm trying to think of what I would do. I know it's a sensitive place to be because you love your grand daughter so much. But there is NO way that should go undealt with. Regardless of the mistakes you made raising your children... we all make mistakes everyday, you did your very best under the circumstances, and what's more... you gave her life! Sorry... but I needed to vent on that one.

I'm so sorry about your mother. I bet she was amazing to raise such a beautiful spirit like you. She's not gone you know. And while you were up the other night, crying... she was right behind you stroking your head and telling you how much she loves you and how proud she is of you. I also suffered the loss of a child. A daughter. And as I see it.... your beautiful child and my Alyssa Marie, are playing together in heaven. Running in circles through the tall grass, never ever having to suffer a day of pain. God Bless them. Although my mother is living, I don't have a mother myself. I was blessed with my father and my sister, and a mother-in-law that although flawed, I know loves me. After I read your post the other day, I called her just to tell her I loved her.

My prayer for you now, first that you find loving comfort in the the strong embrace of our Lord and Savior, that His plan for your life come to grand and peaceful fruition, that He rests His hand on the shoulder of John, and gives him strength, that He brings peace to the hearts of all your children, that they may come to know Him in glory, and find solice with Him, and that Mark may always know... beyond all, that he is loved, and worthy of being loved, and that God has a perfect and beautiful plan for him.

All my thoughts and prayers are with you now sweetheart.....

P.S. Sign on yahoo sometime so we can chat! My screen name is the same!

JohnsWife4Life · 08-03-2005, 10:52 PM

Thank you so much Robin. I think my baby is a girl also, but I am not sure. I had two sacs, and the one fell out very early in pregnancy. But I feel better knowing that there is another wee one up there too. My mama can rock them both, how is that? She loved babies. In fact I have several siblings up there, my mama had 5 still births. My sister was 3 months premature, and weighed one pound, and was 8 inches long. she was the smallest baby that had ever lived at that time. She made headlines in 1952.

My daughter, well, what can I say. I did speak with Lei Lani's daddy, he said he can't let me take her, but I am welcome to come anytime for as long as I want. I told him that was nice, but that if I have to go to court I will, because that just isn't fair to Lei Lani.

Mark, my lil man is growing up. He didn't get out today, but he will get out tomorrow. He says he feels the medication working, and that his thought processes have slowed down now. I like his psychiatrist, and I liked him when Scott was there last year.

Scott got out of jail today, and the charges were dropped, (false imprisonment, felony spousal abuse). He went back home with Erin, and vows to be cool. I hope so, because all I can say is that it is Mark's turn, and all my efforts will be spent on him.

I think you are an amazing woman yourself Robin, and I cannot wait to meet you, and to have you join us on the other side. It is so awesome to be the shrinking woman!

Thank you so much for your prayers honey bunny, they are felt. I have solace in knowing that each one of my children were saved, not because I raised them in church for 16 years, but because they each know that He is real. We have all proved him over and over. My prayers were answered for both my sons today, and although I am wicked and sometimes, okay most of the time I cannot pray for myself because I have turned my back on Him, but for my children I will do anything. It begins and ends with prayer. I know that.

One thing we have decided is to get back to church for Mark. We all need it, but Mark was only in 3rd grade when we left the church. We just kinda fell out of it. Our faith never waivers though.

John is an amazing man himself, to have stayed with me through all of the violent tantrums that I throw, not to mention that both my older boys have attacked him, and hit him while he defended me from them.

What did John do while Tiffani was attacking me? He was in the Van waiting for her to get in (for an hour she kept him waiting). Mark came in to tell her that Dad was leaving, and he saw us rolling around, nipples and all, so he ran out to get John. John covered my breasts and helped me to the bed. When Tiffani tried to get back in the house he blocked her way, and he told her that was his wife and she was to get in the van immediately with out one more word. She called him a pervert of course, but he didn't say anything else. He told me later she yelled at him that he had been free of me, and why did he stay with me. He simply told her he loves me.

Scott was the one that pulled us apart and told her not to touch his mother again.

So there you have it. My family is a mess, but we are all very open and honest with each other. There is nothing they cannot tell me, even if they have to beat around the bush, they eventually tell me everything.

Tiffani did call and talk to John today, and has called Mark every day at the hospital, at least the last three days anyway.

Well, I better get out of here. I am on my way to Los Angeles to make some money, so I can stay home another couple weeks or so.

You take care Robin, and thanks for posting.

One thing with me, you can say anything to me, even if I get mad, I get over it. People either love me to death or hate my guts, there is never an in between with me. I am a no nonsense girl, and I speak my mind. Not always a good thing, but hey, I don't know any other way.

I am glad you have a hero daddy, I do too. Since my mothers death, my father and I are as close as anyone could ever be. My sister lives in Washington, and she doesn't visit, and we don't either. They aren't close, and she blames him, he blames her. I blame her, she left California, we didn't. I stay for my father, and I wanted my children to have a relationship with him, and they each do. I could never leave my daddy here alone.

Okay gotta get on the road.

All my family here on this site, take care, be good, and don't eat too much!

By the way, does anyone know where Tricial Knox is? Haven't heard from her in a long while.

Love always, and,

r_tonie · 08-04-2005, 12:45 AM

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. I know that htere is a great possibility with you removing yourself out of the picture that God will have a chance to speak and move in a mighty way. You letting go and trusting God for that restoration was brave of you. I do know that your husband has to want to change, so my prayer is that he has that desire to change, and that he recognizes the way his lifestyle is destroying him. I pray God will hold him up and heal him and see him through. Also that God will keep you strong through this all. You take care

JohnsWife4Life · 08-04-2005, 04:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by r_tonie

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. I know that htere is a great possibility with you removing yourself out of the picture that God will have a chance to speak and move in a mighty way. You letting go and trusting God for that restoration was brave of you. I do know that your husband has to want to change, so my prayer is that he has that desire to change, and that he recognizes the way his lifestyle is destroying him. I pray God will hold him up and heal him and see him through. Also that God will keep you strong through this all. You take care

Thank you very much Tonie. My husband has been clean and sober now for 81 days. We are now very much in love and always have been. God brought us together and he will keep us together. I had to change my ways also, and I am working on that too. Right now our main concern is Mark, but I appreciate your words of wisdom.

Take care and welcome to the board.

JohnsWife4Life · 08-05-2005, 04:25 AM

Mark got out of the hospital today. I am up in Lancaster, and feel so guilty for not being there. John and the boys were supposed to stay with me in a hotel up here, but the psychiatrist didn't want Mark coming out here, doesn't think he is well enough. I am like what? WTF? Too sick to travel? Why did he get out then? He starts his out patient day treatment this morning, and I won't be there. I feel awful and work cancelled me to boot. I am not a money maker for them anymore, so I am the first to get cut, since the RN's that give 2-5 days a week consistantly get first call. I hope since it is the week end I will have work. They offered me an 8 hour shift with cardiacs, but I can't do it. It is hard enough to get my work done in 12-14 hours let alone 8, and lose 200 bux at the same time, now that is just dumb!

I was starved this morning and ate too much too fast, and was full for 4 hours, couldn't sleep, and didn't even feel a twinge of hunger for 8 hours.

I know one thing for sure, without my frappuccino I am not going to get my liquids in. Two frappuccino's gives me 48 ounces of fluid, so when I try to make myself feel guilty again for drinking them, at that cost, I will remind myself that it is a small price to pay for hydration, protein, fat, calcium, calories, and carbs all rolled into one delicious, nutritious drink for me.

JohnsWife4Life · 08-10-2005, 12:16 PM

Okay, yesterday John and I started couples therapy. I told the doctor that John appears to have OCD, and adult ADHD. He agreed with me. Didn't surprise me, because I already knew. I think John was suprised that he could have a mental disorder. However, the doctor addressed my bipolar. UH? I didn't want to hear that word. I figured I had it, but it makes it real to hear it from the doctor. He said he doesn't like me on prozac though because I have no desire for sex. Being a nymphomaniac, is part of who I am, (dr. said that.) It was strange yesterday for John to take my clothes off and me to realize I wasn't in the mood. Even though I am off the prednisone now, and the numbness is gone from there, I just didn't feel like it. I did it though, for him, and cried after. John is finally able to make love alot because of his surgery taking away most of his neck pain, and I don't want to. I don't know what to do. The doctor is right, my sexual desire and kinkiness is part of who I am, and I just don't feel like myself anymore.

Mark is a pain in the butt now, he thinks he knows everything, and has told me he plans on exploring ALL religions. He tried to go to a site about witches, and it scared me. There is a 16 year old girl in his day program that is filling his head with bs, and I am about to take him out. We have a family session today at 1400. I plan on expressing my fears.

Last night he wanted to go back to inpatient because I told him no more internet. He cops an attitude, calls his therapist who tells him if the session today doesnt go his way to call her. I am not about to make this about "his way". I am the parent not the friend or pal. I don't expect him to like rules and regulations, but I do expect respect and not to have to walk on eggshells because he may or may not like my rules. It is bs. What can I do? I need help here. I feel so inadequate. If we tell him to take out the trash, he doesn't do it for hours, then yells when we remind him. I guess I am just too old for this now because my other three children wouldn't have ever thought about talking back to me.

Oh well, I am looking forward to the meeting tonight, to connect with others in my circle, and to not HAVE KIDS THERE! That pleases me. At this point I am beginning to hate kids.