"Girl Disappearing" - Page 16 - ThinnerTimes

Persephone · 04-22-2008, 01:58 AM

Since my early teens I have struggled with depression.

Today when I stepped on the scale, memories came flooding over me when the number 196 registered. This is NOT a true representation. I needed a quick pick me up after a grueling Monday and I have learned how to manipulate my scale. My actual weight is 200.8 when weighed correctly.

196 was a significant number in 1999. I was battling such a deep depression then. My weight was part of it but not the main cause. The essence of my depression is rooted in a sense of hopelessness. My entire lifestyle was unhealty and I was spiraling down quickly. I blamed it on the long, endless, Utah winters.

The medication prescribed turned my world grey. I didn't feel sad and blue all the time but I couldn't feel any form of happiness either. I was just numb for awhile until pain started creeping up on me.

I made an appointment with my pcp to advise her this med was no longer cutting it for me. That conversation never happened because when it was time for the obligatory weigh in, I collapsed in tears. Dr. Peggy was immediatly summoned to my side
"196 is so close to 200" I managed between sobs
"And what will happen, exactly, if you weigh 200 pounds?"
"I'll DIE" I exclaimed dramatically. She took my hand and in her doctors scrawl wrote "4 lbs and die"
I'm still not exactly sure what the motivation was behind her action but I will never forget what she did. I'm sure I did not gain the required four pounds before I hit rock bottom.

My brother jumped into action, came to Utah and loaded up a U-haul and moved me to Scottsdale, Az. A change of venue, along with my brothers positive and endless support had me slowly resurfacing. I spent entire days swimming.
Underwater Floating Drifting Recovering
I started to feel stronger in both my mind and body. I began to work in some time on the treadmill between swims.

When I went back to Utah to finalize my move, my soul was more full of sunshine then it had been in years and I had the tan to prove it.

I obviously did eventually gain those dreaded four pounds but dying was simply not an option at that point. There was never a more important reason to live. I still shed tears when the scale made its ascent over the 200 mark. My brother calmed me down
"You are pregnant. You are suppose to gain weight."
My mini meltdown prompted an impromtu gift from Rosie. Beautiful clothes and lingerie from Lane Bryant sizes 26/28. Even at 9 months pregnant they were huge on me but I loved waddling around in them because I could feel the love of my sister.

The clothes would have fit me perfectly last year. I weighed more then I had while pregnant. However, even at my heaviest I have not felt the crushing despair that I felt in 99.

When I say that Ashton saved my life...and I DO say it and often....I mean it in the most literal sense.

I love you my beautiful kiddo.

And as I -oh so slowly- approach the 100s- I am also nearing the time when my depression harvests. It's a yearly cycle that I most likely will never be able to break entirely free from it's grip. My world does and will turn gray but it is always imbued by the flashes of color that Ashton brings and this year I have been given the gift of HOPE. When I finally do reach my landmark number of 196, I can say with absolute confidence that I will never NO NOT EVER be above 200 pounds again.

Hope is a beautiful gift.

"....calling for my soul at the corners of the world
i know she's playing poker
with the rest of the stragglers
calling for my soul at the corners of the world
i know she's playing poker...
and if your friends don't come back to you and you know this is madness
a lilac mess in your prom dress
and you say
i guess i'm an underwater thing so i
guess i can't take it personally
i guess i'm an underwater thing
i'm liquid running
there's a sea secret in me
it's plain to see it is rising
but i must be flowing liquid diamonds...."

Persephone · 04-22-2008, 03:23 AM

I DID start a TT blog (past the mission) but I'm utterly confused now as to where to start. The previous post would have made for a suitable intro. Perhaps I will double post.

I guess I'm just staying old school. My paper journals are still invaluable to me. I believe they are one of the first items I would snap up if I had to make an emergency exit.

Persephone · 04-27-2008, 11:59 AM

i think that i finally live in onderland

I'm gonna (weight) until my monthly weigh in at CURVES to officially celebrate.

I want to be confident when I say that I will never NO NOT EVER see the 200's again!

BillH · 04-27-2008, 12:03 PM

May God bless you with technicolor joys and rainbow smiles.

Persephone · 04-27-2008, 12:22 PM

AWWW Thank YOU. Those are certainly some bright blessings.

CONGRATS ON YOUR SURGERY

I know I wasnt around much for your big day. But Welcome to the Losers Bench. I hope you are feeling ok and taking it easy.

It sure is a wild ride.

(and I hope your sheep get properly fed as you mend and heal

)

Persephone · 04-28-2008, 06:21 AM

Not eating it but groovin' to it (which is much more healthy)

Madonna's new album subtly self references and celebrates the Queens reminiscent body of work mixed with todays latest stylings and producing.
Only she could pull off reminding us that a large percentage of todays pop acts owe her a debt of gratitude.
I would argue with any critic who calls her 'desperate' She challanges anyone to dare call 50 OLD.

Admittedly,
I would not have fallen as hard for this release at a different time in my life. Her previous album
'Confessions on a Dance Floor' got spun a maximum of 8 times.
Being a lyric girl I simply could not get past the cheesiness of 'I love New York."
The gem, "Like it or not" that closes the album by listing 'misrepresented' women in history and then proclaiming "whether they are good or bad is strictly up to you" followed by the chorus "This is who I am, you can like it or not, you can love me or leave me cuz I'm never gonna stop..."
could not get me past the awfulness of
"I don't like cities but I like New York, other places make me feel like a dork."

But I'm giving that album another try (excluding the ode to the big apple)

Both have songs that fit seamlesly into a workout playlist. So what if the lyrics can be a bit cliche and many times repeated? That's what gets the body moving and that after all is the point. Who has time to dissect lyrics while remembering to hold in your gut and at all times BREATHE.

The girl can move and make you move with her with the best of em. Proving age ain't nothin' but a number baby.

It can certainly be a soundtrack for entering a new age of connecting body and soul. We are pretty well past the age of Piceses and 'the dawning of the age of Aquarius' is upon us.

And what an apt description. Just as the sun rises, awakening can come.

I can't actively campaign capital hill so that in 2012 we have one big ginormous SUPER DUPER Tuesday.
I can slip my kiddo a note in his after school snacks that tells him I love him and am proud of him.

I can't battle and rebel against rising oil prices by rising early and taking the bus. I would never make it to work on time after dropping Ash off at school.
I can spot a friend a twenty for gas so she will also make it to work.

I cannot rush the presses to print the story of the Magadelene for the world to discover.
I can lend a seeking heart my copy of "The Expected One"

You do what you can, when you can. And that adds to the collective conscience that elicts change.

Lyrical song choice for today:

Marys of the Seas- Tori Amos

"Hey I am not in your way
Hey no need to push me again
I know its your day in the sun
Last time I checked
he came to light the lamp for everyone

relax Love
he said before he left
take those hands away from your eyes
from where I stand youre in my sky

you must go
must flee
for they will hunt you down
you and your unborn seed
in all of Gaul
is there safety?
Les Saint Marie de la Mer
You will dance the ring
Marys of the Sea
the lost Bride weeps
Les Saint Marie de la Mer
We will dance your ring

Hey theres a new Jerusalem
Hey you built on rock thats on sand
For now you have hijacked the Son
Last time I checked
he came to light the lamp for everyone

I hear a voice
and it says
the red of the red rose is its own
and something no man can divide
so St. Germain hear the prayer
of this supplicant
for two Scarlet women, Black Madonna

Hey I am not in your way
Hey no need to push me again
I know its your day in the sun
I know its your day in the sun
Hey I am not in your way
Hey no need to push me again
I know its your day in the sun
Last time I checked
he came to light the lamp for everyone."

Quote for the day

"When you speak of Roses and Thorns, the paradox within one beautiful flower. The marriage of a male and female the crown of thorns with Jesus and Mary Magdalene being known as the rose I thought that all of us at some time in our live experience a sacred marriage of sorts. I truly wanted there to be, in the garden, a place for union.

In all of us there is a love. In all of us there is another piece, a mirror piece. Yes within, of course you have to fine your own twin flame within your being, but there is someone, and someone it is more than one person that you go into sacred marriage with and I explore it in different songs on this record especially Marys of the Sea. Which is about her journey out of Jerusalem and fleeing and once she gets to the south of France she takes on a ministry herself. The Gospel of Mary Magdalene is something that I had heard about but hadn't read until I was much older. My mother, a minister's wife read it for the first time very recently and she looked up with tears streaming down her face and she took my hands in hers, and her name is Mary, and she said "Darling. Why? Oh Why? Has this been kept from me my whole life I'm not someone who isn't exposed to literature particularly Christian literature, my mother was a literature major and she said yet this is something that has not been available" then I said "Well I think that is the key question. Why two thousand years later would the Gospel of Mary Magdalene be hidden from the masses. Now to me that is the greatest story never told and I explore this greatest story never told in Marys of the Sea.
-- Tori; The Beekeeper Limited Edition Bonus DVD

Persephone · 05-01-2008, 04:31 AM

"When I come to terms
to terms with this
when I come to terms
with this
when I come to terms
to terms with this
my world will change
for me
I havent moved since
the call came
since the call came
I haven't moved
I stare at the wall
knowing on the other side
the storm that waits for me

then the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
may be the only one
you can't Betray
if I'm the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
I will be safe
in my frame

I have no need
for a sea view
for a sea view
I have no need
I have my little
pleasures
this wall being one of these

when I come to terms
to terms with this
when I come to terms
with this
when I come to terms
with this whip lash
of Silk on wool embroidery

then the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
may be the only one
you can't betray
if I'm the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
I will be safe
in my frame
I will be safe
in my frame
in your House
in your frame"

"Parasol is a song about deep betrayal and how this woman survives this experience without becoming victimized in the end, by being able to transform herself. And as the song says "If I'm the seated woman with the parasol I'll be the only one." There will always be someone who feels trapped in a situation like the seated woman with the parasol."
-- Tori; The Beekeeper Limited Edition Bonus DVD

Godsblessedme · 05-01-2008, 11:38 AM

your killing me with not weighin in girl

Persephone · 05-07-2008, 06:47 PM

^I'm sorry.

I've been indulging in some self destructive behavior. It involves lots of sodium and skipping the gym altogether.

I'm going thru this period of self sabotage and I'm scared of just about everything but especially the scale.

Not only am I avoiding the gym out of sheer laziness but it's also my weigh in time. The longer I put off going the harder it is.

Princess · 05-07-2008, 06:52 PM

I know how you feel, my holiday has made me lazy, we both must get our asses to the gym and quit snacking RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!