The Long Road... - Page 32 - ThinnerTimes

Claire-in-Texas · 06-19-2008, 06:19 PM

"I can hardly believe the old me was even me...." Oh my gosh, Mike, I love it. It's wonderful to watch you do and feel as you do!!!

Hugs!

AriesGirl78 · 06-21-2008, 01:57 PM

Hey Mike... New avatar is great! Nice smile! The kids won't recognize you when you go back to school in the fall! They will think they have a new teacher! Keep it up!

Gwen · 06-23-2008, 04:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyn

P.S.: I forgot to mention, I've seen WAY worse moobs than your's before. Ever watched "Biggest Loser" -- now some of those guys have MOOBS. Try not to fret! We all have stuff we wish we could've avoided doing to our bodies by just putting the dang fork down before we ever got MO. But I'd rather have flappy arms now than still have a double-wide behind.

Couldn't have said it better...

XXX

edlovesjava · 06-26-2008, 04:37 AM

This is sooo inspirational! I hope I can post a pic like yours some day!

fisher1000 · 07-01-2008, 09:12 PM

BIG Update!

1. I got a new job. I'm leaving the classroom after 13 years to do teacher training in technology. I resigned today and will start the new job on August 1st. I'm excited, but I'm in a rare position I think--where my current job is equally good as the new one, and I'm still feeling torn about my decision. I know that one must walk through the door of opportunity when it opens, but it's hard to leave a good thing behind as well. With the money I'll be making now, I can have just one job instead of three, so that will be nice. I was going to start teaching college this fall, but I'm giving that away too--it was a freshman writing class and I really wasn't all that enthused about it. I asked for a graduate class, but evidently those aren't at the bottom of the totem pole of higher education when one starts teaching college.

2. I got my wedding ring sized today--I'll get the ring on Friday. My ring size has gone from a 13 to a 9. I thought that was pretty significant. My initial reaction was to wonder what size a normal finger would be, but I think there's too much variance to determine. My grandpa was a thin man, but had giant hands, mine seem to match my frame but are starting to look sallow and veiny, though I'm trying to tan them up a little.

3. I looked up body dysmorphic disorder, knowing the gist of what it was but not knowing details. It's the details that get you. As a long suffering member of Hypochondriacs Anonymous (I'm the only member), I regularly diagnose myself on the internet with misread symptoms and molehills that I can whip up into mountains fairly easily. While it is true that I may have an imagined defect with the way I look, I drop out of the categorization of it because I'm not obsessive / compulsive, not manic to the point of requiring medication, and not grossly misfigured to the point that would be more accurately described in other medical terms but not dysmorphia. What I think I have, have always had, is an eating disorder. It's not glamorous, and frankly, I kind of wish it was a little more exotic or rare as my threshold for self sympathy is higher if I believe that I'm the only one suffering.

Psychologically, I'm in a better place than I was even 3 months ago, but I know I drive everyone up the wall, particularly myself. I can look at the numbers, I can look at the clothes sizes, I can look down and see my feet and other things, but when I look in the mirror I still see fat and whatever good feelings I might have been having are diminished in the wake of knowing that even with that damn BMI chart, I'm still obese. Not super morbidly obese with a good chance of dying in the next 15 minutes, but obese enough that I don't feel normal.

Comparisons have come up a lot lately on the board and so far, it's been only women that are talking about it. But I feel like I'm lying (to myself and those who know me) if I don't at least say that I'm doing the same exact freaking thing. Now, I'm not spending all day checking out other guys, but I'm breaking it down into parts, deconstructing others that have a similar build to mine. What I see is skinny calves, no hump of loose skin in the front of their pants, no tits, no saggy necks, smaller waists etc. Of course, I'm also comparing myself to others that lost weight on here too to see if I'm "normal" even though everybody's experience is vastly different as far as speed of weight loss and other nutrition management factors.

I'm not stupid or psycho, I'm just in a zone that my brain will NOT break out of. I wax philosophical on a daily basis, wondering what it is exactly that I deserve out of this. Certainly it's been a daily struggle, but I wouldn't call the experience unpleasant--overall, I'm happy to be where I am, but as the weight goes down, so does the mood. When do I hit an equilibrium? When does my inside match my inside, when does my body match my heart?

4. There's a certain amount of comedy when you touch something on your body that you couldn't feel before and immediately think of dreaded diseases you must be having. Example: My sternum has all of a sudden made a grand entrance and the day I noticed, I thought: Sternum Cancer. My brain knows it's just one of those fatty tumors but my brain starts spitting stuff out--whether to be helpful or to let me know inane information like, "wearing red striped shirts is a symptom of extreme, last stage insert disease here and I start wondering if there's anything spontaneous I can do to ease the pressure of an early death from Transylvanian Tittyskinosis, which I have all the symptoms of, but none of the opportunity to contract it.

I'm not quite in a funk, but I am in a thinking mode, irrational at times, well, to tell the truth, all of the time, and I wish that I could just think straight. I'm certainly not the little ray of sunshine I usually come across as, but I'm working on changing that, as it is probably a symptom of something I've not yet discovered but will most certainly be the death of me.

-Mike

Nyn · 07-01-2008, 10:34 PM

Mike, I always love your updates. Thanks muchly for this one

Big CONGRATS on the new job!! Woo hoo!! Way to go. It is just great that you are taking a chance and making a new start at something so important. Knowing a little bit about school districts (from being a former teacher and my mom who has been a teacher for 26 years) I know how very vital technology is to advancing learning. I'm sure you're going to do an awesome job in advancing tech knowledge

As for the other stuff...as much as I LOVE the internet, it has been something of a mixed blessing in making almost too much information available to us. I sometimes do the same things as you, self-diagnosing. Most people I know, including myself of course, have become more hypochondriac-like when it is so easy to enter symptoms into Google and find out that you have the rare Sucking-Lizard-Pancreas disease. Myself, I have frequent "mysterious" headaches and tend to grow cysts all over. Combine those two, and I'm always half sure that I have some sort of brain/spine/other random organ cancer. This was only exacerbated when I lost an ovary to a cyst 18 months ago. Now, it is almost beyond silly worry, verging into obsession.

Sheesh!

(((BIG HUGS))) on your daily battle with your brain and mirror. I wish there was a special cream that we could use when we lose 150+ pounds to make ourselves look "normal." I have to beat my head against the wall every day to remind myself how much BETTER this body is than the one I had 6, 9, 12 months ago. sigh.

XXOO! Take care, podmate. I'm waving pom-poms, rooting on Team Mike!

Duckie · 07-01-2008, 11:31 PM

Mike hon, rant any time you want.

I should however remember to read your posts with caution. I laughed, out loud, at a VERY inapropriate time at work just now reading about your self diagnosed T. T. Hard to explain WHY I was laughing at this inopportune moment. lol

Dude, you look great! Eventually your eyes/mind will catch up to the rest of you. It takes time.

As for the job.. AWESOME!!!! Let us know how you like it. That is great!

SDeRossett · 07-02-2008, 02:36 AM

Hey Mike:

Congratulations on the new job. That's wonderful.

As far as body image, well I'm sorry, but I think you're pretty normal in the way you feel. I think a size 9 ring is probably and average size, but maybe ask the other men in your family to see where their at. My DH wears either a 13 or 14, but he takes after his dad's side, and his father is one ring size larger than he is.

As far as self diagnosing goes here is one of my favorite stories. When I was in college a few years back, as luck would have it, there was a gal in my class who was a few months ahead of me. She worked in a clinic and this was one of her stories. She started noticing these "lumps" between her collar bone and her breasts, so she asked one of the nurses to feel them. The nurse laughed and said you silly thing "those are your ribs". (Checking myself, yep, still there).

It takes a while for the brain to catch up with your new body. I personally cycle. When the weight first came off I felt very thin when my husband would put his arms around me, or when he would sweep me off my feet and kiss me. Talk about a high! I remember whispering to him, am I that size as we would pass other people and he would tell me. It's hard to picture in your mind what size you are. The bank we use for work has large windows and often I find myself looking at my reflection as I walk by, trying not to be too obvious as to what I'm doing. *L*. Some days I feel thin, some days I'm really hard on myself with the "dang you still have a big butt, legs etc." I try to remember things like when I was heavy, I would go to the beach, so what's the problem now? There's things we simply cannot change without plastics so we either choose to accept it or find a way to have it fixed.

Don't worry, your mind will catch up to your new body image (someday), it may take a while, but I think you're normal (and doing a great job by the way). I think you look super! Good job.

Sharon

Gwen · 07-02-2008, 02:56 AM

I LOVE YOU MIKE!!!

Thank you for taking the time to put into words the things that you (we all) go through on this wonderful journey - you're my SPM!!!

I wish I had the time and the eloquence to capture my emotions and steps on this journey - keep it up Mike

XXX

Claire-in-Texas · 07-02-2008, 05:18 AM

Mike, CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!!!!! Having one job instead of 3 will provide more time with your loved ones, a TRUE blessing!!!

And the mirror/fat thing? Ohhh yeah.

Eating disorder? Ohhhh yeah.

Love you so much! Love your posts! Love that you share such deep feleings! Thank you for being you!