Jeannette's Journal - Page 6 - ThinnerTimes

MystikMoon · 02-13-2005, 12:26 AM

The only time I've ever felt small and feminine was when I was 13 and was with a guy that was the same weight as me (250lbs) but he was actually larger. It was a cold night in October and he let me wear his jacket. I remember it was a Dallas Cowboys coat and was very large. *sighs* I've never felt that way since. I am now nearly 20 (birthday is the 26th of this month) and I am 315 lbs. I am considering the surgery once I get my insurance back but I have Kaiser so there are still no guarantees. I'm not sure what to do. I feel so helpless. But reading your story has made me feel a lot better. My goal is 150 lbs, maybe even a bit less. I remember that I was 180lbs in the 2nd grade (8 yrs old). I don't ever remember weighing in at 150lbs. *CRIES* That makes me so sad! I don't know what to do or where to go!

JWheeler · 02-24-2005, 09:51 PM

At the beginning of every year I usually set a goal for myself. For the past 20 or so years the goal has always been weight related, but since the surgery has pretty much made my weight a non-issue, this January's session of "New Year Resolutions" kind of felt a little empty. Of course January brought its own set of new experiences with dating and actually experiencing what it is like to be desired by someone. But with that new experience came the heartbreak when I was no longer desired. It was this experience that brought back so many terrible feelings and emotions. It was this experience that sent me into such a tail spin that a friend suggested I seek therapy. At first I was a little offended that she couldn't just let me rant and rave and ask my never-answered question of "why? why? why?" -- but then as I found myself wanting to sleep the days away, eating uncontrollably, and no longer exercising, I remembered the words I wrote in my essay prior to surgery... where I said that when I experienced those things that would drive me to seek comfort in food, I would try to seek out healthier methods of dealing such as therapy. So the next day I went to work and took advantage of my employer's Employee Assistance Program, and have recently begun my work on the emotional issues.

So why did I write about this?... because it wasn't until my most recent session with the therapist that I've finally come to understand the role food has played in my "emotional" life. I have always thought my weight problem was nothing more than clinical -- I was obviously eating more than I was burning. But now I see that food and my weight served to protect me from the emotional disappointments I faced growing up. I idolized my father until I was a young teen and he took advantage of the trust I had for him. I learned that my mother's affection and support was only there when it wouldn't create tension with my father. When I did confront my father about his inappropriate conduct, it was so adamently denied that I was made to believe that somehow I was the liar. I remember vividly my mother's shocked face when she heard the words coming from my mouth, and then the disappointment in her face as she turned her back to me to continue cooking dinner while my father denied my words and made me feel bad about ever suggesting that he would do something like that to me. I'm pretty sure it was at that moment that I realized that these people could not be trusted. Of course the subject was never brought up again, and began building the walls that would forever keep me from trusting so willingly and fully again.

While I may not have understood it all back then, I can see now how I allowed the weight gain to protect myself from people. While it helped me to "hide" from my father, it also gave him ammunition to make me feel even more unworthy. And as I aged, the weight continued to protect me from the intimate relationships that had hurt me so badly early in my teens. If I made myself ugly enough, then no one would want me, which would keep the hurt away. And while there were a few men along the way that I grew brave enough to "let in," I used my weight as the reason for my unworthiness when they too turned away.

But now with the protective shell gone, I see how I've become vulnerable to the world and my parents again. While I've been successful with losing the weight, I'm more exposed to the world and that is a little scary. Actually, as I'm writing this, I'm now realizing why my dad's compliments about the way I look bother me. Wow! It all of sudden just started to make sense! Of course because of the surgery I can't go run to a pint of Ben & Jerry's for safety. I'm having to learn to deal with this on my own, which is why I'm thinking this past year has been such a struggle for my father and me. Our relationship has been strained. I thought a lot of it was simply my growing up and away from him, being two states apart and all. But now I'm thinking it's more about the 'emotional' protection now that I don't have the 'physical' protection anymore. Wow! Something to ponder... will have to remember to explore some of this with my therapist...

Anyways... I guess my point for this post is that there is likely more to the excess weight than the clinical explanation of not burning all that has been eaten. Some may be wise enough to recognize this truth prior to surgery, while others of us may not realize this until later in our personal journey. Nonetheless, while therapy is really only beneficial when you are truly ready for it -- (I met with a therapist prior to surgery for the purpose of making sure that my decision to pursue WLS was right for me, and that particular therapist hit upon this particular event with my father. Unfortunately at that time I wasn't prepared to deal with it and it pretty much sent me running from my sessions with her, and likely had a little to do with my initial resistance to my friend's suggestion this past January) -- I think we can only be successful at weight loss when we've addressed the demons that took us to that highest weight in the first place.

Now that I feel as though I have control over my physical self, I'm very excited to begin working on my emotional self. I'm hopeful that by the end of 2005, I'll finally be able to experience real peace with myself. That is my goal for 2005.

Until next time...

MystikMoon · 02-24-2005, 10:31 PM

I'm sorry your father did that to you.

But I'm glad you're working through it. Therapy is really great if you have a good one and not some overpriced ass. Anyway, good luck and Happy New Year to you!

brutherford · 02-25-2005, 02:51 PM

I'm so proud of you, Jeanette. In just a few weeks you've made tremendous progress - it took me almost a year to get to this place with my therapist. Most of it was because I kept avoiding the really important things... too icky to talk about.

I have no hesitation in saying that I'm sure you're going to hit your goal this year - you've already come so far.

Love you, B

watergirl · 02-26-2005, 11:14 AM

What great progress you've made! I'm so proud of you to be open enough, trusting enough to share your story with us. Hallaluja to therapy! I'm a huge fan of it.

Sinatra · 06-09-2005, 10:09 PM

Hi Jeanette, I am writing from Hawaii. Thanks for writing about your journey. I know
I have challenges ahead. I am scheduled for June 13 for a by pass. I, like you, am
frightened to death! I hope I don't get the jitters and chicken out. Your story inspires me to gather some courage to go through something I have been preparing 8 months for.

JWheeler · 11-09-2005, 12:32 PM

Wow! It's just amazing how time flies. It's also unfortunate that I foolishly believed that I no longer needed this forum. It's been almost 9 months since I last visited. I only returned because I received a private message from a reader about my journal. Curious about what I wrote that someone would find so inspiring, I came back and re-read my posts. Wowza!! All I can say is... WHAT A FOOL AM I!!

It's been a little over 2 years since I began this journey. When I came across my post that expressed my goals for my 2nd anniversary, I was shocked. So much has occurred over this past year, that I forgot about the goals I set for myself. As such, I didn't achieve those goals. In fact, all I really accomplished from a weight perspective is maintenance. --which is a good thing--

This past year has brought me lessons in self-confidence and relationships. I still struggle in this area, but I'm better than I was 2 years ago. I've learned that when I was overweight, the only thing I had control of where my relationships. I had none, so it was easy to control the imaginary one I maintained in my head. (No, I'm not psycho, but I have a good imagination and I created an imaginary boyfriend/husband that helped disguise the loneliness I felt. He was great, too! He would disappear and reappear on command! It was awesome!!)

But now that I'm actually part of the "real world" -- I have "real" boyfriends and it's been a struggle learning that they have minds, issues, and feelings of their own. They just don't (won't??) disappear and reappear on command. And you know what... real guys don't have the knack for saying the right things at the right time the way that my imaginary guy did. That's been a bummer realization.

Anyways... so I think I'm ready to jump back on my journey again. I'm still looking at another 50 pounds to reach the goal suggested by our wonderful Dr. Callery. I'm back in the gym, I'm back to my eating routine, and I'm going to work 10 pounds at a time. Maintenance is good, and it's given me time to get used to new levels of attention, "break up" with my imaginary boyfriend, and learn to experience, understand, and deal with real relationships and all that comes with them.

I don't know when I'll be back to write again, but I do promise not to turn my back on this forum. It really is a great tool for success and a great resource for support.

--jeannette

Gladitsme · 11-09-2005, 12:54 PM

Jeannette,

Thanks for your honesty and openness in your posts. I'm glad you're back. You have a lot of wisdom and insight.

QueenB · 11-10-2005, 03:14 AM

Jeannette, when I first came to this site (as a lurker before I registered

)yours were the posts I looked for. I loved reading your journal and I am glad to see it updated. I hope to see you around more even if just on your journal.

Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it.

coptergirl · 11-14-2005, 10:15 AM

Thanks for your jounal, Jeannette. You have been very poignant, honest and open, and I appreciate your insights. Most of us can relate to the emotional side of eating no matter what caused it to start. Thank you!