Jeannette's Journal - Page 5 - ThinnerTimes

JWheeler · 09-12-2004, 08:16 PM

Yep.... I'm still in the 180's. I just can't seem to jump that hurdle.

I had a glimmer of hope last week when the scale read 179. But then I got the infamous curse and now I'm just waiting out the water-weight.

...in the meantime... I attended Barb's Mission Valley support group on the 5th. I was a little nervous about going, but once I was there and got to know Tracy, Ranea (sp?), and Barb, I felt much better. It was really nice to chat about our experiences and discuss the things that work and don't work. I'm looking forward to the next group meeting.

That same night I went with some friends to the Prince concert. I found it somewhat odd that earlier in the day at the support group I had mentioned my struggle with wanting to completely forget the old me, and then later that night at the Prince concert my friend's boyfriend came up behind me and asked how much weight I had lost and that I looked really great. I really don't understand why this is such an issue for me. I was cool about it with him and I laughed & flirted and then thanked him for the compliment, but part of the "new me" was angry about being reminded of the "old me." Am I really that disgusted with my old self that I'm prepared to turn my back on her? But then, do I need to carry my old self with me every where I go? I don't know. The head trip stuff is just too much sometimes....

....moving on.... I am happy to report that I did meet up with Barb this morning to jog with her. It felt really good to run today. I'm going to try to implement her running plan into my daily schedule by running in the mornings before work. I'm not a morning person, so it may become a battle, but I'm going to give it the 'ole "college try." This might sound crazy, but it really did feel good to really sweat this morning. Plus, I'm hoping the additional work out will help me get over the 180 hurdle! I'm tired of the 180's... I'm ready to see myself in the 170's!!

brutherford · 09-13-2004, 09:19 AM

It was so good to have you join us yesterday! My crazy friends loved you, and I wanted you to know that you can join us any Sunday that you like. Depending on how early you have to jog before work during the week, perhaps we could even get together then.

Paula and I will be out of town this weekend, but Leland said that he'd be happy to meet you at the same place in Balboa Park on Sunday at 8 if you're interested. He said that he found his pace while jogging with you yesterday, and he's pretty excited to continue too.

Have a great week! B

JWheeler · 10-18-2004, 11:14 PM

This is a big post... I had planned to post on my 1-year anniversary (10/14), but the days got away from me, and now it's the 18th... So how do I feel now that I'm one year and 80-pounds from my old self? Am I proud of my accomplishments? Do I have any regrets?? Do I feel any different??

Hmm... I'm not sure I have all the answers yet. I've been thinking about these things as I planned my "big post," but nothing very revolutional has overcome me. Yes, I am proud of my accomplishments, but I continue to battle my tendency to be self-loathsome (which I hate). Believe me, as soon as hear myself say something negative about me I want to just crawl out of my own body and bitch-slap myself. It's like I want to believe that I'm worthy of all the good things that are coming my way, but I just can't get myself to accept it graceously without saying that I'm not worthy.

Do I have any regrets?? No, not really. I am learning to enjoy the attention, and I'm liking the male response to my flirtatious nature. I think the only regret I have is with a dear friend who was supposed to have the surgery with me, but she got pregnant and had to postpone. Now I see her and am constantly reminded of how unhappy I really was, and I worry that I sometimes project those unhappy feelings upon her. I used to tell her how excited I was for her to have the surgery, but have since learned to avoid the discussion all together. I hate the fact that she feels uncomfortable eating in front of me, and that she covers her uncomfortability by telling me how little she really eats. I hate that when we run into old friends, they all rave about how great I look in front of her. I know I can't protect her from that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to. I will never forget the feelings of "the fat girl."

So what's different?... I'm running now. Just finished my first 5k. I really only ran the first 1-1/2 miles, and then ran/walked the rest of it for a total time of 38:30. Now my goal is to build the endurance to be able to run the whole thing. (Kudos out to Barb for being my inspiration!) I'm not out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs. I have confidence. I don't worry about eating in front of others anymore. I sit comfortably in coach when I'm flying (but I've recently learned of the "bump up" system and have been flying 1st class, which is even more comfortable). I'm wearing Ralph Lauren jeans and looking good in them, too. I don't shop at Lane Bryant. (I wonder if Lane Bryant will ever go out of business because of WLS??) I'm looking forward to seeing my family this holiday season.

So would I do this again? HELL YEAH!!! I mean, don't get me wrong... it's not like I would ever really want to find myself at a weight were I might actually have to beg and plead and pray for a miracle to have my pouch shrunk again.... I just mean that if this were all a dream and I wake up tomorrow as my 262 pound self, I would definitely seek out WLS! For me, it's been a total life saver. Yes, I still struggle with eating choices, and I get frustrated when I see people lose weight faster than me, but I have to own up to my choices and consequences and realize that this is an individual program. I CAN and WILL get to my goal weight.

...with that said, I will sign off and continue on with my WLS journey, happy as a little clam at high tide....

Thanks for all the love and support I've received from readers and posters this past year. ...and a big THANKS to Robin -- my first and best WLS friend and champion! --j

JWheeler · 10-23-2004, 01:46 PM

Well, I'm still struggling with the low 180's, but I'm not going to focus on that today. Yes, it's frustrating, but I'm not going to let it run my life anymore. It's a whole new year, and I have a whole new goal ahead of me....

On my 2nd WLS anniversary, I want to be able to say that I can jog for 40-minutes without stopping for a walk-break. I've been jogging with Barb and her friends, and I've recently hooked up with another running friend who trains for 5 and 8k's. She and I are running two nights a week, plus I run with Barb on Sundays, and that's in addition to my own time at the gym during the work week. This morning I got up and ran Mission Bay. I made myself jog for 20 minutes. I walked for 5, and then jogged for another 10. I may not be losing weight, but dammit, I'm doing something for my heart and lean body mass. Hopefully the new focus in my life will distract me from the numbers-game and before I know it the numbers will just start falling by the way side soon enough.

That's it. Short post today. Just had to get this off my chest so I could run to the scale to see if that helped any.... -just kidding....

JWheeler · 01-24-2005, 10:20 PM

Holy cow! I can't believe it has been 3 months since I last posted to my journal! So much has happened since my last post, yet some things haven't changed at all... yes, I'm still a slave to the scale, but the good news is that the numbers are dropping again. I'm down to 174. Actually 1-pound under my last "weighted" memory. My real last weight/diet memory is of being in high school and not being able to drop below 175 pounds. So now I'm treading onto new territory with my weight and self-image. The good thing is that I've got some really good friends to help me through this new place, and I've had some "boy-reinforcement" to give me that emotional boost and affirmation that I am attractive and appealing to the opposite sex. My motto for the new year is this: I AM A CATCH, DAMMIT!

One of the most exciting things that occurred over the course of the last three months was first being asked for my phone number, and then later actually being asked out. I have forever been the "Chaser," so it was nice to actually experience being "chased" for a change. It all started out as a complicated triangle 'cuz I liked the guy's roommate and really didn't think that the guy liked me. So when he asked me out, and I later admitted to him of liking his roommate, I was quite surprised to learn that he heard me ask his roommate out and that it broke his heart. We started dating in mid-December, so when we all left for the holidays (15-days apart), I figured it was nice while it lasted, but that we hadn't built a strong enough foundation for our interest to sustain a 15-day absence. Well again to my surprise, he called me every day that we were apart, and then picked me up from the airport upon my return to San Diego. I was also surprised at my own reaction to seeing him for the first time in 15-days and how excited I was to hug and kiss him. The next week we spent quite a bit of time together and I actually allowed myself to believe that I could be on the brink of a "boyfriend." This would be my first boyfriend. It was a little scary, and I had to fight to keep myself from turning and running for the hills, just so I could avoid the rejection that was sure to come. But I remained brave, and continued to breath a sigh of relief and do a little happy dance every time his name appeared on my caller ID.

However, like most things in life, every thing has its cycle. The last few weeks have been a struggle and we finally talked about it all tonight. It turns out that his change of heart really has nothing to do with me (surprise of all surprises), he's got his own baggage that he has to deal with and there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm surprisingly okay with it. He will always hold a special place in my heart, but he's not the end-all of men. I've met a few others that have peeked my interest, and I hope I've peeked their interest as well. I wish my "starter-boy" the best of luck and hope he finds true happiness, but I'm moving on to the things that are intended for me.

I'm still jogging and taking care of myself. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful, young woman. Sometimes I wonder if that is really me, but I'm getting more and more used to my reflection in the mirror, and the self-doubt is beginning to take a back seat. I AM A CATCH, DAMMIT! ...and someday, someone is going to recognize that and hold on to it. (Heck, my starter-boy may have already recognized it, he just didn't have what it took to hold on).

That's it for now. I'll write again later. Maybe I should update my picture.

--jeannette

watergirl · 01-25-2005, 07:59 AM

You are a catch damnit! Love your new picture! What a healthy way to look at your starter-boy! (Love that name)

Congratulations on your success! Thanks for sharing it with us.

cavery · 02-04-2005, 11:47 PM

I cannot tell you how much your story helped me. I am scheduled for a gastric bypass on Monday, Feb. 7 2005. I am nervous!
And some of the thoughts going through my head are on your journal pages! I was so glad to hear what it was like, for you, the days right after surgery, you went to the mall for heavens sake! So thank you again!
This is the picture that sent me over the edge to seek out Dr. Oakley, here in Boise, Idaho. I'm the one on the left, this is July 05, camping....
I'm weighing in at 262.0 as of Feb. 2, 05, I am 38 years old, 2 children and a great husband.

JWheeler · 02-05-2005, 02:21 PM

So I've had the ups and downs of dealing with "single life" again. Although my time with the "starter-boy" was just a few weeks, I really did enjoy his attention and desire for me. I know that ultimately I'd rather have a guy use different words to tell me how much he desires me, but there's something about being told "I just wanted to bang you" that really kind of lifts my heart when I think of him. Of course it might be the timing of it all, since we were sneaking a little nookie while our dinner was cooking.

Anyways... went skiing with some friends last weekend. It was a spur of the moment decision, but it was definitely worth it. Even though we're all just friends, there's something fun about having two guys taking care of you. I had fun imagining everyone else wondering which guy I was actually with and which one was just the friend. I know that's pretty stupid and juvenile, but it was fun nonetheless. I loved that they carried my skiis for me, and worried about whether I was too cold. These are experiences I wouldn't have had 85 pounds ago. I doubt I would have even been invited to go with them!

I think probably one of the best experiences I had (and I had this with the starter-boy, too) was when I was offered their jackets to wear. At first I was hesitant because these guys are slim and fit, and even though I'm 85 pounds lighter, I still have the "fat girl" body image leading to the belief that their jackets wouldn't fit. But for whatever reason, I go ahead and brave the humiliation of the jacket being too small only to find that their jackets ACTUALLY FIT -- if not even just a little too big!! YEAH!! I LOVE feeling like a girl!! I LOVE that guys' clothing makes me feel small and feminine!!

Well, that's it. Hope all is going well for those that read this.

(177.0)

watergirl · 02-07-2005, 08:23 AM

Way to go Girl! Great story! Thanks for sharing it with us.

Don't you find you get colder these days? I'm going skiing in two weeks and 80 pounds lighter, I think I'm going to need extra clothing. I did try on my size 14 ski outfit (that I kept for some odd reason - maybe because it cost too much) and it fit. I was jumping for joy. Now to fit into that size 10 spring wetsuit! I do know why I kept that, my daughter will fit into it one day. Surfs up!

brutherford · 02-07-2005, 10:25 AM

I didn't realize that you had updated your journal in the past few weeks - and a new picture to boot! That picture is gorgeous - just like you!

You and I have talked about much of this, so I just wanted to say... "You ARE a CATCH, dammit!!"

Love you, B