Jeannette's Journal - Page 4 - ThinnerTimes

JWheeler · 05-28-2004, 02:27 AM

I graduated from law school last weekend. What a huge relief! Now the only thing standing in my way is the California bar exam. Ugh!

With all the family in town and restaraunt & stress eating, I seem to be holding steady at 185. I'm returning to the gym and back to my regular eating habits. I really want to be at my goal weight by October, but I may have to accept the 150's by October and work for goal by Christmas.

I bought a suede jacket from Wilson's Leather. It's a Large. I can't remember the last time I fit into a women's "large" anything!!!

185.0

JWheeler · 05-28-2004, 02:38 AM

All that graduation snacking and eating really through me off track. Plus, I think I've been dealing with some insecurities that have recently resurfaced. I thought I was ready for boy attention, but after a first kiss on a first date, I found myself gorging on chewy granola bars and sugar-free popsicles. The food sabotoge has taken over and I'm having trouble controlling my desire to snack. I get so frustrated with myself!!

I also think part of the sabotoge is my mind needing time to wrap itself around a 70 pound loss. I've been so focused on the number that I haven't taken time to think about what's missing. I recently compared some pictures of myself from graduation 4 years ago to the pictures taken for the recent graduation. Significant difference! You can actually see both ears when I smile! I think it's time that I sit back and feel good about my accomplishments. I look good. I feel good. I've starting jogging. I have to learn to remain in control of my eating. I also have to gain control of my confidence and my desire to be thin and healthy. I cannot allow my lack of confidence and fearful self to sabotage the results of this surgery.

186.5

JWheeler · 05-28-2004, 02:49 AM

Attached are pictures taken of me presurgery and post surgery.

The first was taken at Christmas 2002, weighing in at about 260 pounds (possibly more).

The next was taken in February 2004 (198 pounds).

The last two were taken in April and May 2004 (186 pounds).

reneezie · 05-28-2004, 09:56 AM

How nice of you to share your private thoughts with the group. It took a while to page through but was definately worth the read.

The thoughts about family and the things said to you throughout the years are almost exactly the same as my experience. Such a shame that people don't stop to think about the harm they inflict on others.

I wish you continued success- you're doing great. The honesty you have with yourself will be what keeps you on track.

brutherford · 05-30-2004, 08:38 AM

The journal was excellent - just what I needed to read this morning! Thank you so much for sharing everything - the good, the bad, the lucky charms!

You've done an incredible job managing all that your life has required since your surgery. Keep up the great work!

And on a side note - we have the same birthday 10-11... but you're a year older that me (of course I won't let you forget that!)

Libras Rule!

JWheeler · 06-02-2004, 11:57 AM

184.0

I missed Sunday's entry because I was in Seattle visiting my family for the Memorial Weekend. Things have been going very well. I started my running program last week at the gym. Thanks to the "Running" post, I implemented the running plan into my excercise plan. I was so tickled with myself because I was able to run the 90-seconds without exceeding my maximum heart rate!!!!

I read a post today about carbohydrates and the "carbohydrate monster" and it definitely hit a few points home for me. I definitely feel better when I stick to the proteins and veggies. But last week I met some friends at The Olive Garden, and although I ordered the garden salad, those darn bread sticks got the better of me. And I even said to myself, "oh, one won't hurt." Well, unfortunately, one turned into 2-1/2 over the course of lunch. Ugh! I was such a slug afterwards.

It seems that I fight two inner demons... one that really wants to be successful and thin and healthy, and the other that wants to "protect" her overweight friends by acting like nothing has changed.

Oh, and one other thing.... when did my abdomen become so hairy?? Now that I can see my feet when I look down, I've also been noticing that I have a pretty hairy abdomen. Maybe it's always been there, but it wasn't as noticeable when my tummy was so stretched out. I don't know, but if it doesn't go away, I may have to consider shaving the stuff.

And finally... thanks to those of you that read my journal and left me some words of encouragement. Some are better with this battle than others, and I'm fortunate to have the support of so many of this group -- those that have gone before me, and those that follow in my footsteps.

Thanks.

JWheeler · 06-06-2004, 11:22 PM

185.0

How many ways are there to say S-T-R-E-S-S ?????

First, there is the stress caused by family. In some ways I'm glad that I live in San Diego rather than Seattle. At least living here, I can deal with the family issues as they present themselves over the phone, and I can then hang up and either stress about it on my own or move on and focus on other important matters, like preparing for the bar exam.

Then, there's the bar exam. Seven weeks away. Is it sad that I'm already counting down the weeks??? Yes... because the countdown is nothing more than me stressing over the amount of time I don't have to commit to memory 13 areas of law.

On top of that, is this journey I embarked on back in October. While I definitely LOVE the weight loss I've experienced, the stress is driving my craving for munchies!! Last night I made a mad dash to the grocery store for anything snacky that I could shove in my mouth as I struggle with essays and multiple choice questions. Fortunately, I was so disgusted with my behavior that I left in a huff with a bag of apples. I know I'm crazy, and on the verge of being completely out of control, but it's driving me crazy that I can't pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food and drown my stress in icecream!

Thank you Barbara R. for posting the fitday.com website. I'm going to start tracking everything I put in my mouth again. Hopefully this will be the tool to help refocus my brain and put me back in control of my stress and eating. Monday is a new day and the beginning of a new week. Back to the gym I go and hopefully better control.

JWheeler · 06-20-2004, 02:26 PM

It's been two weeks since I last wrote. Nothing much has really changed. I'm still under a lot of stress, but I think it's manageable. I met with another person who is also preparing for the bar exam in July, and we created a study schedule. At least that has helped to make the materials appear easier to handle. Now it's just about having the discipline to stick to the schedule we created for ourselves.

I've been tracking my foods on Fitday.com, and it has really helped. Even though this surgery physically changed me so that I couldn't help but lose weight initially, it didn't fix my brain. I think I'm in that space that Carnie Wilson spoke of in her book --- "The Head Trip." I remember when I was reading it that I got bored with her "head trip" section because all I wanted to know pre-op was how much weight I was going to lose and what it would be like to live on fluids and soft foods. I was foolish to think that my head wasn't involved in my weight problem. The one thing that Fitday has helped me with is tracking the calories and where they're coming from (i.e., protein, carbs, fats, etc.). I think a lot of my struggle these past 4-5 weeks has been that I've been on a carb load. As soon as I stopped dropping weight, I figured I was eating too much so I cut back. Knowing that it doesn't take me much to fill up anymore, I fooled myself into believing that I would just cut back and when I got hungry just drink water and eat a granola bar and I would be fine. As soon as I saw via Fitday that much of what I was eating was carbs, I changed my eating plan. I focused on protein and veggies, and just as if that was the "magic pill," in a few days I was dropping weight again.

I think some of my struggle is that I know what I should be eating, but I miss the "bad" stuff. I know that I feel so much better about myself when I eat correctly... and my body responds positively to that. But then I fool myself and allow myself "just one" and then I'm back in the old habit again. Then I feel terrible and swear off the bad stuff, and then after 3-4 days of being really good, I allow "just one" and it's back to the stupid cycle. Ugh! No wonder we live in an obese world! Being healthy is plain hard work!!!

....and that's another thing.... not that I'm an "expert" on nutrition or anything ... obviously since I'm still struggling with my own weight loss ... but I'm so frustrated with all these "low carb" foods being pumped out by the food industry. It's like this is the new fix, but just as the "low fat/non-fat" diets led to their own disasters, odds are this "low carb" or "carb alternative" stuff is going to lead us down another disasterous road. Why can't the food industry just go back to basics, and provide simply healthy food????

My goals for this week: eat better, keep track of my calories on Fitday, make it to the gym at least 4 days this week, and hopefully be down at least 2 pounds by next Sunday.

--j (184)

JWheeler · 08-01-2004, 10:54 PM

Wow! I can't believe how much time has passed since I last wrote. I finished with the bar exam on Thursday (7/29). What a complete relief!! I was so excited when I got up on Friday because it would be the first time in 3 months that I could be at the gym without feeling guilty about not studying. Unfortunately, the treadmill wasn't in a very good mood, and about 7-minutes into my run, I stumbled and am now suffering from treadmill burns on my legs, tummy, and upper pelvis area. OUCH!!

Weight wise, I haven't done anything extraordinary... unless you consider the fact that in the last three months of complete stress, I didn't gain any weight. That, in actuality, is something extraordinary because prior to this surgery, I would have likely gained 20 pounds.

Nonetheless, this morning the scale read 181.5, and I'm eager to get back on a regular eating and exercise plan again that is focused on proteins. I met with a friend who had the surgery a day before me, and she's already lost over 100 pounds. She looks so wonderful!! She told me that she still eats a lot of protein and stays away from the carbs. I met with her in the midst of my studies, so while I did increase my proteins and started seeing immediate results, I am happy that I have more time now to really dig in and jump start this weight loss again.

Now I'm on the job hunt. Oh! That's another good thing I've experienced lately. Last Monday I had a job interview with five different people. It was an intense 3-hours, but the thing that most surprised me after the interviews was my realization that I wasn't once concerned what the interviewer was thinking of me and my weight. For the first time in my life, I walked in to an interview with only one thing on my mind... SELLING MYSELF AND MY SKILLS.... and not having to overcompensate for my weighty presence!! That was such an awesome feeling!!!! Thin really does feel good!

08/01/2004: 181.5

JWheeler · 08-22-2004, 11:06 PM

Okay-- so another two weeks has passed since I last wrote. I got that job that I was excited about. I was freaking out the week after the 3-hour interview because I just hadn't heard anything and was growing more and more excited about the position. They ended up calling me at 4:45 PM on Friday (8/6) to deliver the great news that I could start on 8/16. Yeah! You should have seen my happy dance.

Of course, during that week of angst, I watched in horror as the scale numbers continued to increase. Now that I didn't have studies to keep me busy, and was stressing over money because I needed a job and I wasn't sure what was going to happen with the one I really wanted, stress eating came back with a vengenance. If I've learned anything at all over the course of this summer, I am a S-T-R-E-S-S E-A-T-E-R ! ! !

Fortunately, my first week of work has knocked off the four pounds I gained in the prior weeks and I'm confident that I'm on my way to the 170s and eventually my goal of 137.

A bittersweet experience... I have a favorite pair of Old Navy khaki shorts that I've been wearing all summer long. They are size 18's, and even though I have a pair of 16's in the same cut and color, the 18's are just more comfy for whatever reason (could be psychological, who knows). Anyways, this morning I put them on, button and zipped them, and they fell from my hips.

While on any other day I would be jumping for joy, given my summer events I feel as though I've lost a best friend. I'm actually kind of sad about the whole thing... (but not sad enough to eat my way back in to them).

So here we are... heading into my second week of my first post-graduate job with a respectable post-graduate salary. I'm feeling pretty grown up these days.

Until I post again... --j (182.0)