My 9 year journey- Lisa - ThinnerTimes

lds98m · 02-03-2007, 09:43 PM

This is difficult for me to put down in words my journey for the past 9 years. No one knows this story completly not even my kids. I have never spoken out loud about this before and I hope if my kids ever read this they try to understand the extent of everything I went through and every choice I made I thought I was making the best possible choice for them and that I always have and always will love them with every ounce of my being.

At the time of my surgery in August of 98 I had been married to the same guy for amost 19 years. We have 3 beautiful children. My oldest son was 18, my middle son was 13 and my daughter was 7. I had what I thought was a comfortable marriage. We had our issues and I tolerated a lot of behaviors I didnt like because I loved him and I thought because I was so fat no one else would ever love me. I had accepted my fate that was my life. I was increasingly lonely and I would eat to fill the emptyness I felt inside.

My husband was supportive of the surgery before and after the surgery. I remember Dr Callery telling me one time a lot of marriages dont survive this surgery but your husband is so supportive there is no way this surgery will break up your marriage.

After I got out of the hospital and went home I tried to lay down on our waterbed and I couldnt get back up. It felt like I was ripping every staple right out and I was going to pop open and all of my guts were going to spill out onto the floor. I was so scared. With a extreame amount of pain, screaming, tears and every four letter word I could think of I got out of that bed not to return to it almost 2 months. I had to have a hospital bed delivered to the house to sleep in. We put it in the great room right in the middle of the house. This is where I slept.
I remember about day 10 post-op I was still on broth but I felt I was starving to death. I went to take a shower. The next thing I remember was waking up on the shower floor with the water turned off and my husband on the phone with Dr Callery standing over me. I had passed out. He thought I was dying or had died and he was scared to death. Dr C said he wanted me to start drinking protien shakes. It tasted like Filet mignon! I was finally getting nutrition! God it was wonderful.
Dr C said I would be able to get back to work in 6 weeks. I was flat on my back for 6 weeks barely able to get even to the bathroom let alone work!
I felt I was cut from my chin to my bikini line which I felt was about 3 feet long even though it wasent that long. I had to clean out my old stomach of the juices every day which was a funky nasty green color and it really stunk. God what was this smelly crap coming from my body and how do I make it stop!

(I am crying now putting this all down in words. this is harder then I thought.)

Little did I know I was in for much worse mentally and physically in the weeks and months to come.

My hair started to fall out. I dont mean just a little it was falling out in clumps. When I took a bath the drain would be covered and I would just sit in a empty tub cold and wet crying my eyes out over my beautiful hair laying in the tub. It was more then I could bare. I was so depressed i was going bald. Dr C tried to reassure me that no one had ever gone completely bald and that it would grow back. I didnt care about everyone else! All I knew is I was going bald and I was devistated!

I think about around 2 weeks I went to get my staples out. Dr C did it. He told me it wouldnt hurt and that I would only feel a pinch. Every single staple removed brought out new four letter words, tears and blood! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.

I think I scared Dr C. It felt like he was ripping open this gaping hole in my body. I really hated him at that moment and I let him know it. (Dr C im sorry now for everyting I said to you that day.)

(Im crying again! Shit this is so hard and Im just getting started)
Im gonna take a short break I will continue later...........

Blueyz · 02-03-2007, 10:36 PM

I am so happy that Dr C uses sutures now...no staples....God bless Dr Callery for he has saved so many lives.

Your story is wonderful and I am so happy you shared..can't wait to read more.

lds98m · 02-03-2007, 10:53 PM

After my staples were removed and over the next couple of days my wound started to pull apart and open up. I was going through boxes of gauze like 2-3 a day. God this is getting expensive I thought. I finally got the idea to use feminine pads instead which turned out to be a great idea expecially at the rate I was seeping blood and oozing. I had to use 2 maxis 2-3 times a day to keep up with the drainage and cover this huge wound. I remember thinking god this sucks! Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

I was beginning to think what the hell did I do? I have made a huge mistake by having this surgery. What can go wrong has gone wrong or will go wrong I thought. I started thinking I could actually die. It felt like I was on my way to dying. So this is it huh? Ive gone through all this and now Im just gonna die? I was angry at the world and everyone in it and I let them all know it! I can only imagine what I was putting my family through at that time.

I stiil couldnt eat the things Dr C said I could eat and if I did manage to actually eat something it would hurt so much or I would throw it up or both.

Little by little, day by day, bite of food by bite of food it got a little better. About around 3 months i was well enough to return to work, keep some food down and I was down to 1 maxi pad a day on my wound.

Right around November sometime when I returned to work I remember my husband starting to accuse me of cheating on him. I remember thinking what the hell is he talking about? Dosent he know I can barely funtion as a human being! How dare he accuse me of that! What is wrong with him? Is he out of his mind? I told him I have not cheated on him in 20 years and why the hell would I start now! For gods sake I had maxi pads taped to my belly!

January 4th the day after my birthday our relationship had gotten so bad I told him he needed to move out. I told him I would go to marriage counceling with him but that I couldnt handle him mistrusting me the way he was.

Things went from bad to worse after that. We attended marriage counceling but it wasent getting better- only getting worse. He closed joint accounts. Removed me from having access to other accounts. He hid money. Everything he was doing told me he thought our marriage was ending. I was in shock.

In May I decided to file for divorce. The day I told him I filed he went to the kids and asked each of them "mom has filed for divorce. Which one of us do you want to live with?" I was so pissed! How dare he do that to our children!

I wasent eating. I was throwing up. I was stressed out. I had 2 minor children to take care of. The kids and I came home one night and I tried to turn the lights on. They didnt turn on. I tried to call the electric company but the phone didnt work. We lived in the mountains in the middle of no where and it was pitch black with no light and no phone. I packed up the kids and drove to my husbands apt to let him know what was happening. He matter of factly told me he had them both turned off and if I wanted them back on I would have to have them turned on in my name. I was in shock! How could he do this to his children? Now I know he had lost his mind. I packed the kids back up drove home and we stayed in a dark house with candles all night huddled together in 1 bed until I could get thing turned on the next day.
(here comes the tears again!)
to be continued...............................

justawoman · 02-04-2007, 07:22 AM

I have tears reading your journey, I am not nearly as far out as you are but I can relate to the relationship issues you had. My exhusband did the exact same thing to me. Right after surgery accused me of cheating and things just got worse when I filed for divorce he emptied every bank account, turned off every utility and cancelled every credit card. I had 3 babies at home and he didn't care. That was on a Friday night I had to wait till Monday to get anything done. Thank god my mother lived 20 minutes away. It is hard to believe people we thought loved us could hurt us so bad but I can tell you my life is much better today without him, he made me stronger and I am remarried today to the man of my dreams! Keep this story going, I am so interested and inspired by you!

Lori P · 02-04-2007, 07:32 AM

What a story. I feel for you.

I'm glad that my divorce wasn't a messy one. I just packed up my old VW one day when my ex was at work, and headed back towards Canada. My ex got home, called my parents house and asked where his computer was and where I was. My dad told him he had no clue... which was true. I later called my parents from a payphone in Green Acres, WA. I spent that night in Idaho, and the next morning crossed the border back into Canada. I then contacted my ex after returning to my parents' house and told him since he was an ex-cop and all, he could draw up the divorce papers himself. He did. No lawyers were involved in our divorce. Total cost $161. I got a new marriage license to be married to my current hubby 9 days AFTER I got my divorce decree! lol

Hugs going out to you Lisa.

Lori

lds98m · 02-04-2007, 09:16 AM

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and your stories. I didnt realize how hard but liberating this is. I hope everyone dosent mind but it feels good to finally get this off my chest.

I was so lonely. I had turned to the internet for friendship and I had met several people. One guy was helping me alot by just allowing me to vent to him. He was truly a friend only. By the time I filed he had declared he loved me and I felt the same for him. We had not even met! After I filed I decided I would go meet him. In July of 99 my children told me daddy had a girlfriend. I flew down and spent 9 days with this guy. We were 2 peas in a pod. We liked all the same things. He was compassionate, thoughtful and kind. Everything I needed and craved. When I left I realized I wanted and needed to be with him. He is younger then me. By Oct 99 he was moving to be with me and the kids. With everything going on in my life I barely noticed all the weight I was losing. I was down about 90 pounds I think. I had just hit my 1 year since surgery. I was finally feeling a little normal and feeling loved again.

My ex was dragging me through the ringer during this time and in and out of the court. He was trying to get custody of the kids. I thought there is no way the courts would take custody from a stay at home mom who lived for her children. We had to sell our home and both of our attorneys put a lien on the home and took every penny from both of us to pay legal fees which was about $50,000. I moved into a apt. With the 2 minimum wage jobs I had and child support I was barely making it. My ex was dating his attorneys paralegal. Wasent that a conflict of interest or something? By Nov 99 he had convinced the court I was a unfit parent and the court awarded custody of my son to my ex and I had custody of our daughter. I stood there in shock disbeleaving what I was hearing. I was good enough to have custody of 1 child but not the other? Where was the logic in that? I lost the child support for my son. He was trying to destroy me and it was working! In Dec of 99 my divorce was final. My new relationship was going bad and I couldnt make enough to support my daughter. The kicker was I didnt even get alamony! 20 years of marriage, no job skills and I didnt deserve alamoney? Then who did? I was going to lose my apt because I couldnt afford the rent, bills, food ect. My new boyfriend moved back home. Now I was really in trouble.

I decided to make a decision no mother should ever be forced to make. I had to get on my feet. Do I drag my child down with me to live in a shelter or do I allow her to live with her dad where she her life would change very little. I decided to give him custody of our daughter and get back on my feet. I was going to move to be with my mom. The day before I left with all of my children gone, no money and me moving away it felt like my life was over. I sat in my apt- alone- in the dark- knowing I was leaving my children and all I could think about was dying! I wanted to die! There was nothing to live for. I had cried gallons of tears until I could cry no more. I felt like a failure and I was. I sat in the dark holding a bottle of pills I thought would do the job. I opened the bottle up and poured them in my hand. I cried some more. What was this going to do to my kids? I didnt want to feel any pain any more. I saw their faces in my thoughts again and again. Please god make this pain go away! I cant handle this any more! PLEASE PLEASE make it stop!

(the tears are really flowing now and I cant even see the keys on the keyboard!)

Its still so raw! It feels like it was yesterday. The more I saw their sweet faces in my thoughts the more I realized I couldnt do this to them. Taking my life would hurt them even more. My children saved my life that day and they didnt even know it. The more I thought about my ex and what he had done to me and the position he had me in the more pissed I got. I gained enough strength and became angry enough that I thought there is no way Im going to allow him to destroy me. Im stronger then that! I can do this! Get a grip Lisa! My hatered for my ex and my love for my children helped me get through that possible fateful night. Screw him! He will see. I will get back on my feet and show him. Now I was feeling empowered. I am woman! I had began my long journey back from hell! I was down to 130 pounds. Still getting sick every day, feeling and looking sickley but I felt it was going to get better! It could only get better. There was no where to go but up from here- so I thought.
to be continued....................

lds98m · 02-04-2007, 02:16 PM

This page is to my children... I love all three of you so much. I know I hurt you bad by moving away from you. I never stopped loving you and Im so glad that now we are all so close and that we all love each other very much!
This page is for you three.. please accept my apology for hurting you.

Im not a perfect person,
Theres many things I wish I didnt do,
But I continue learning,
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I found out a reason for me
to change me while you still believe
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Im sorry that I hurt you
Its something I must live with every day
and all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
and be the one that catches all your tears
thats why I need you to hear

I found out a reason for me
to change me while you still believe
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I found out a reason to show
a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you

I love you my 3 amigos! I cant wait to see you all again in April!
kisses and tight hugs! Love mom

"Dont ever judge a book by its cover and dont ever judge a person unless you have walked in their shoes!"

rainrain · 02-04-2007, 07:14 PM

Thank you for sharing!!

It is the journey not the destination...one of my favorite quotes and one that appears to really prove itself in your journey!

We all make choices that are either good right away and in obvious ways or ones we learn by even though they seem bad in the beggining...as long as we learn from them there is really no bad choice!

We are glad you are here!

lds98m · 02-04-2007, 08:15 PM

In July of 2000 6 months after our divorce my ex got married. My ex is a good father and a good provider he just sucks at being a husband.

So in Oct 2000 1 month over my 2 year anniversary since surgey I was off to be with my mom and get my life together. I had sold everything I owned and flew to be with my mom. I had $2000 cash and a few possisions. 4 days after arriving there my mom advised me she was kicking me out for being a pig and leaving a dish on the floor. We never had any kind of relationship to begin with. I thought what am I going to do now?

I got online and saw my ex boyfriend online. I started pouring my heart out to him telling him everything that had happened. He told me he still loved me and leaving me was the biggest mistake he ever made. He told me to go to a hotel and wait and he was gonna drive up and pick me up and bring me back. I did that. When I saw him we hugged and cried. He said Im taking you home with me and we are going to make this work this time. I had a renewed faith. We packed his car with all of my belongings and drove to back with $2000 to our name, only one car (his), no jobs and no place to live (he had been living with his parents again). We stayed with his best friend for 3 days until we rented a apt. Then came the job hunting. We were both lucky and we both got a job right away at a new center. Right when the money ran out we got our first paycheck! What a relief. With a job now I bought a used car. Within 1 month of arriving we had a place to live, 2 jobs and 2 cars! Things were finally looking up. We saved every penny we could and he helped me pay for the airfare to fly the kids in for Christmas! It was so good to see the kids! We had a good Christmas.

We worked hard. I wasent throwing up any more. I could keep food down. I was feeling better every day. I even gained about 10 pounds that I needed. I got to have the kids every christmas, Easter and all summer long. I called them at least twice a week. I was finally getting on my feet.

My boyfriend and I worked together and our relationship grew strong. Within a year I felt I was on my feet enough to want to have custody of my daughter. I called my ex and told him I wanted her back. No big suprise he said no. I had to go back and sue him in a Calif court for custody and there was no way I could afford that. I was back to being crushed and pissed. He had promised he would give her to me. Again he lied!

From Oct 2000 to March 2006 We worked hard and got promoted through the company working our way up. My health was almost perfect and I felt really good. We made lots of friends. Life was good. Work was perfect and all was right with our world. I saw the kids every chance I got (xmas, easter and summer) and I looked forward to their visits.

In March of 06 our world changed again. Our company was opening another center and they wanted my boyfriend and I to fly out every 2 weeks and train. We jumped on that opportunity. We flew to out to do traning. We had decided we were going to look into the opportunity of transferring there. I would be closer to the kids!

We didnt have to wait long. HR and management would come into our classrooms and just watch us. Within a couple of days they approached us and asked us if we would consider transferring. What a blessing! There was lots of opprotunity for advancement because it was new so we decided to both apply. We both tested and went through the grueling interviews. The day before we were to fly back HR approached both of us seperatly and offered both of us a job with a pay raise! We were so excited we both accepted! Everything we worked for so hard was paying off.
They asked when we could start. We told them give us 60 days and we will be here.
We flew back with 2 new jobs offers and 60 days to move. The company paid for everything and we pulled in town on the middle of June. We took a couple of weeks off to get settled and reported to work July 06.

My life is good now. My health is good. My relationship is wonderful. My job is great. The kids and I are very close and we love each other very much. I can finally say "I SURVIVED!" I made it!

To my ex I only have 2 things to say- You can try to destroy someone and be hateful but "you cant keep a strong woman down" and "What goes around comes around". You will have to answer for what you have done some day!

Thank you for allowing me to get all this off my chest. Ive cried alot thinking about everything over the last couple of days putting this in this journal.

The moral- "DONT EVER GIVE UP! Winners NEVER quit and Quitters NEVER win!

lds98m · 02-07-2007, 10:42 AM

I feel better now that I got all that off my chest. I hope it helps someone.

Thank you!