Beth's Story - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 09:52 PM

Inkwell

I immerse quelled fingers to dabble
in the reservoir of my mind,
deep within the richest ink,
the blackest I can find.
Allured by security of darkness,
away from the starkness of reality.
Where I find my soul
in the blackest tracings,
on the whitest page.

©BAR
01/21/99

These are some of the words that helped bring me to where I am today. I'm already 7 1/2 months post-op but I was moved today to share my story.

I don't really want to get too much into my past history but like so many of you I have struggled with weight issues and self esteem issues for much of my life starting from childhood. I honestly don't know what initially brought about the increased weight when I was young but I know that from elementary school and on I always felt like I was very much alone in school and often at home.

Compared to so many of the other stories I have read on here I honestly had a very intact and loving family, but so often in my life I felt as if I was a disappointment to my mother. She has always been very judgemental of my weight issues, even when I honestly wasn't all that overweight in my junior high years she was almost absorbed with wanting me to be "pretty". I can't even count how many times I heard the comment, "You will be so pretty if you...." , and so over the many years I feel the use of food was my way of feeling that I had some kind of control in my life and was my way of rebelling against my mother.

Like so many of you I have tried the diets starting with my first visit to Weight Watchers at the age of 15. Over the many years since, I have crossed the Weight Watcher's path many other times along with many others' doors. Like so many of you I would lose only to gain not only the lost weight but more. I went on a drastic 700 cal diet six months before my wedding and reached 145 lbs. The lowest I had been in years! I fit into that "perfect" size 10 dress I had bought and reached those standards my mother had set to what made someone "beautiful". But the diet had taken it's toll with the diagnosis of mono just 2 months before the wedding and the major lack of enjoyment for me when it came to showers and celebrations because I HAD to lose weight and stick to that diet! I felt terrible and tired most of the time so as soon as the wedding was done I was back to my old ways and was up to 200 lbs by the time I became pregnant with our first child 1 1/2 years later. I continued to gain between each subsequent child with frequent attempts to lose in between those gains only to lose 40-70 lbs and gain back 100! I had reached a point where I just gave up when it came to my weight. I felt I had once again disappointed my mother but that was the way I felt most of my life had been so why should I care? And one of the last memories of my father was a letter from him written at my mother's urging telling me that if I didn't lose weight I would probably lose my husband. My husband has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST support and he unconditionally has loved me at whatever size I have been. So with that letter I gave up trying and just played the roll of that "good daughter".

From A Non-Entity

Beside you I feel as a cast out stranger
Not as the child of who you gave birth
I watch you in silence as you ignore me
Treating me as a person with little worth

When your gaze looks upon my being
All I see is total disgust in your eyes
If you brush against me or I embrace you
There is an aversion you just can't disguise

What have I done to receive your judgment?
You, who others praise , has a golden heart
Explain to me, please, how this shows you love me
Where in concern does revulsion take a part?

~

As a child my life was filled with loneliness
Trying to ignore laughs and jeers behind hands
Sitting alone upon the school steps, hiding
Feeling there was no one who could understand

I searched for something I could excel in
That which would bring me into the crowd
The one thing I could claim as my own
Something that would make you proud

But when I discovered within, that treasure
The praise was so limited, I didn't understand
My flaws and looks were the focus of discussion
For you see a fat child was never part of your plan

~

Now as an adult, I'm still treated as that child
You still are trying to control and change me
All buried in the pretense of love and caring
But the driving power of guilt, is what I see

I don't need your guilt placed upon me
Believe me, I have enough of my own
Constantly feeling I am a total failure
For once let me be in control!

Don't go behind my back using my family
Trying to shed your guilt by changing who I am
I am who I am, but for you that isn't good enough
Because I don't fit into your perfect plan

~

Because I'm overweight do you think I don't feel?
Do you think the layers have caused me to go numb?
My self esteem has been pulverized and strangled
I don't need to be treated like I'm dumb!

The world looks upon me in total disgust
Laughing and snickering...I pretend I don't hear
After all fat people are scum...a non-entity
So why should anyone, even you, really care

I'm told by all around to 'Just change it'
But it is hard to change, if I have no worth
I don't expect the world to solve my problems
But being treated as a human being sure wouldn't hurt

(c)Beth A. Rogers

For years I have struggled with feelings of unacceptance by my mother. Though I honestly know that there is much love from her the concern for my weight and for what she felt I needed in my life effected my self esteem in so many ways. For most of my life I struggled with trying to figure out how to please her until I finally found a peace and acceptance of myself in my own heart.

The words that I started my story with were words of mine that helped me on my journey. About 8 years ago words started to flow from me. I had never been one to write poetry but there was something inside of me that just started to flow. All of the sadness and darkness in me came to the surface. So many times I saw such a darkness in my words that it scared me...

Center Stage

I have entered an arena sated with an aura,
which speaks of a vile evil,
that hideously prowls
the sanctums of souls;

Filled with the stench
of odorous excrement,
by-products of feasting
that now ooze from life's
inner walls;

Feasting of trust, love,
self worth and confidence,
ravenously devoured by
gnashing teeth;
only to leave crumbs of fear
scattered on life's plate.

I have drawn back a heavy shroud,
masking the arena's center stage,
revealing beady eyed demons,
slithering with forked tongues
flicked in my face.

Their ecstasy,
the exhumation of death;
resurrection of stagnation,
their ultimate goal;
forced to play in an endless drama,
scripted to distract
from a child's cries
from tombs unknown.

©BAR
03/03/99

The words above came from something in me I don't think I had ever faced. I saw so much pain and anger in my own words. But through my poetry I was able to find a peace and love for myself that I had never known. It was an acceptance of who I was, the beauty inside of me and the knowledge that I could honestly only find peace through "me". It made no difference the aversion that my mother felt towards me because of my weight. She was a human being too and she had given me all she was able to give me.

.....so the inner journey of healing had begun and with that the outer journey of healing and health took seed....

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 10:13 PM

....so the story continues.

Over the past 6 years my weight continued to go up. I honestly don't know exactly how high I got because I was unable to weigh on my doctor's scale so I know I was over 350 lbs. Though I am a nurse I avoided my doctor's office like the plague. I only went when I was too ill to treat myself. I knew that co-morbidities were creeping in. I could feel it inside of me but I didn't want to face them so I ignored signs of possible diabetes, blood pressure that was often too high and increasing pain in my joints. As a nurse I was on my feet much of the time only to limp home at the end of the night. I couldn't even walk around a city block without a major struggle. I knew that I was in trouble physically and that I couldn't hide from it anymore! I had faced my inward "demons" and it was time to face the outward ones.

A couple of the nurses that I work with had told me about family members that had gastric bypass surgery. The hospital I work with had recently opened their own bariatric program just one floor below where I worked. Dr Baker was the director of the program and I had known him all through his residency and as the medical director of Adult Critical Care. I knew his reputation well as a talented and caring doctor. I started to read about gastric bypass, looking up as much information as I could find. As it became more and more painful to get through my days I knew that I had reached bottom and I had to call my pcp and talk to him about his feelings about wls. I am lucky because I have an extremely wonderful and caring pcp who listened to me and encouraged me to take the next step. He sent in the paperwork to my insurance company only to have it denied. I was at a BMI over 50 and was being treated for high blood pressure but I wasn't on 3 drugs for my blood pressure at that time, which was one of the required co-morbidities that my insurance company had since I was not aware of any others at that time. I was crushed and started to hunt for what ever other co-morbidities I might have and I wanted to do it the fastest way possible. I talked to my pcp and had him refer me to get a sleep study. I was thrilled to find I had sleep apnea but had to face the aweful truth that my weight was up to 355 lbs. Thankfully, because of the sleep apnea I was quickly approved by my insurance company to go and have a consult with a bariatric group. The appointments came fast and furious until the pre-op lab work put it all to a major stop. I had been approved for the surgery but my labs were not what any surgeon wanted to see when they were going to take a patient into surgery. My aversion to doctors had to be faced because what I had suspected for several months and didn't want to face was the fact that I was a diabetic. My blood sugars and A1c needed to be brought under control along with a very high cholesterol. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but deep down I knew it was coming. I'm not proud of the way I had stayed away from doctors, after all, I'm a nurse!! I knew better but it took finding a love for myself inside before I could love myself enough on the outside, to get help.

I scheduled a physical with my pcp right away and aggressively started working with him to get my diabetes under control along with my cholesterol. With a lot of hard work and a very patient and understanding doctor I started to get my co-morbidities under control. It took me 6 months from my initial consultations with the bariatric group to finally have my surgery scheduled....

I couldn't believe it was finally going to become a reality....

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 10:21 PM

January 30, 2006....the day had finally arrived. I had struggled through 2 weeks of a special bariatric diet and had made it. I had lost 15 pounds in that two weeks! I had been nervous the days before the surgery but when I arrived at the hospital that morning I was calm. I was in an enviroment that I knew and was comfortable with. I had a faith in my God and the skills that my surgeon had. I knew that the decision I had made was right....

I entered surgery at about 12 noon and was out within an hour. I don't remember much about the recovery room. I only remember being yelled at to "lay down." I don't know what I was trying to do, maybe I thought I had patients to take care of! *l*

The time in the hospital went fast. I was up walking by 9 that night and was up every 4 hours after that for a walk. Sleep never did come for me that first night not so much due to pain but those darn nurses wouldn't let me sleep!! *L*...no wonder my patients hate to see me come in at night!

By the next morning my foley was out, I was off of the IV pain meds and I was provided my morning meal of instant breakfast and ice chips. By 2 pm, the day after surgery I was minus my JP drain and on my way home.

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 10:40 PM

......I was so glad to be home and was so excited to be able to get into my own bed and actually get some SLEEP!!

My surgeon had me on a special bariatric product for 2 weeks post-op. Though it wasn't the best stuff it was nice to not have to think about what I was going to eat. If I ate 4 packets a day I would get what I needed when it came to protein. I was surprised how little pain I was feeling. I was tired but I was able to eat, drink and walk (well if you can call walking 3 doors down on the front sidewalk a walk!) *L*

For me "hell week" was delayed about 1 week. The emotions kicked in bigtime after about a week post-op and the euphora I felt about actually being done with the surgery kind of set in. I too began to question what I had done. I remember just breaking into tears for no reason at all! Suddenly what seemed to me to be the "real work" was starting.

Over the weeks and months since I had my surgery I have had my emotional ups and downs. At about 1 month post-op eating suddenly became an issue. I was tolerating food but I just didn't want to eat. I remember days where I just wanted to scream because everything I put in my mouth pissed off my pouch!! I struggled with the desire to eat for at least 2 more months until almost over night things started to get better. I suddenly realized that I was progressively getting more energy and I was starting to feel almost human again! *L*

As I look back over the past 7 months I still can't believe where I am now. In a lot of ways it just doesn't seem real. I never dreamed that within 5 months I would be celebrating that century mark!

Today, I am the lowest weight than I have been in over 20 years. Though I know that I still have a long way to go I am beginning to believe I will get there! It still amazes me when I look at what my life is now. My diabetes is under control without meds! My blood pressure is under control with only 1 med instead of 3! I am beginning to live life in a way I almost forgot about! I can walk not only a half of a block but 3 miles, without pain! I can ride a bike and climb up the small winding stairs of a lighthouse and still breath! I can take a hike with my family and go camping without being in pain from sleeping on a thin mattress!!

For anyone reading my words all I can say is that I truly believe that I am experencing a miracle and I am finding for maybe the first time what it means to be happy in myself emotionally and physically....

...the journey is only part way done and I want to continue to share with all of you all of the new things I am learning along this often difficult but enlighting journey. I'm excited about my future and who I am!

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 10:48 PM

Awakening

In the night's hush
under a translucent sky
a full moon illuminates
the darkness.

Multitudes of stars
beckon to me
to join their
exotic dance.

An aura of intimacy
fills the air;
gentle breezes
rustle the trees,

As I search the skies
for the root of familiarity,
these tender words
come to me...

~*~

I'm your source of fulfillment
that can bring happiness,
dispelling darkness and
sadness in your being.

I'm the spirit of your essence,
filled with beauty and love,
enhanced by the love of others
you have given to endlessly.

I'm the soul of your power
who has returned
in hopes of bringing
self awareness of me.

I'm all that you are
and all that you give,
here for you, alone...
to set you free.

©BAR

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Empowerment

I sense a stirring
of empowerment, sung
with a steady rhythm,
that pulsates with a meter
of certainty in raven skies.

The cadence of security
measured by metronome
beats, synchronized with
the steady cycle that
propels our lives.

An assured heartbeat
tucked within my spirit,
that despite my darkest
moments there lies
the tempo of life;

Directing me to strength,
orchestrated by perfection
of song, carried upon
a timeless rhythm
that plays in the night.

©BAR

mzliz · 09-21-2006, 08:25 AM

Thanks for sharing Beth, I enjoyed both.

MiladyB · 09-21-2006, 10:13 AM

Thank you for reading, Liz. I hope my words will speak to someone who is either just starting this journey or on it. I have so much appreciated the support of this forum and I want to give back to others.

coptergirl · 09-21-2006, 10:22 AM

What a change in your poetry, Beth!!! You truely can see your inner and your outer changes. You are a beautiful butterfly

Mavisavis · 09-21-2006, 10:33 AM

That is so inspiring to see not only the outward transformation, but the inside growth that happens as well. I know for me, much of the inner work started earlier and the decision of surgery sprung from that. But in the past year, I have continued to grow emotionally and spiritually..........kind of like a coming together of the inside and out. I am so proud of all your hard work.....it shows in your words and your life. What an awesome and beautiful lady you are.

MiladyB · 09-21-2006, 11:05 AM

Whitney and Marty your words have so deeply moved me. I honestly have tears coming down my cheeks.

I find myself changing daily in so many ways. In someways the unknowns kind of scare me but I am also really excited! My relationship with my mother will never be what I have always wanted it to be but I have come to accept that it is, what it is. She is almost 80 years old I know my days with her are numbered. I lost my father when he was only 56 and I have missed his prescence in my life and his in his grandchildren's lives. They have never known their grandfathers and have only had one grandmother in their lives for many years. There is no way I could take that away from them or from my mother because they are in so many ways her life. I honestly love my mother very much and have discovered over the years that her feelings of "guilt" of her first child being born with "Turner's Syndrome" has been so much what has driven the way she treated me. My sister is very small 4'9" and never was able to have children. Life has been an extreme struggle for her emotionally so much of my mother's life was spent trying to make life the best she could for my sister. In tears she told me one day that she still feels so much guilt for my sister's syndrome though she knows there was nothing that she could have done differently. Her children have always been my mother's life and the thought that my sister could never have children and seeing all of the pain emotionally she has had to bear pushed my pain very much back into the shadows for her. She did the best she could for me. She has honestly given to me all that she knew how to give and I am honestly at peace with that.