Beth's Story - Page 48 - ThinnerTimes

MiladyB · 06-16-2008, 09:26 AM

I posted this out on the general forum but I think it is important for me to post it here too. These are words of my journey and for those who know me at all, or who have read this rambling story...you will understand why it was so important to me to find the words....

Thank you SO MUCH everyone. You all have truly touched this lady's heart.

I've been sitting here all morning trying to find the words for what I am feeling right now. Last night it had me in tears...because I just couldn't FIND the words.

I kept asking myself last night, "Why was it so important to me to reach my goal? And why is it so important to me to be able to find the words?" Well, with the morning has come some clarity for me an understanding of this layer that has been peeled back and revealed. Just like the skin of an onion, there are many layers of my life...of me....who I am and with each pound that came off another layer was peeled back.

It's been exciting for me to be able to discover the person buried below all the layers of skin. Scary at times, wondering if I could "trust" the person that I saw emerging. It wasn't a person that I knew...it was the person that 'I always wanted to be' but it wasn't the person that I had been comfortable with EVER!

Over the years of diets I recognize now that I always felt a sense of panic as I lost the weight. The more I lost, the more vulnerable I felt. I was always scared to allow myself to embrace that person because I had convinced myself that I was never quite 'good enough'...that I was ALWAYS going to fail so what was the use in trying. So I always gave up. I never reached my goals. I didn't dare to allow myself to dream because it just hurt too much to fail. This is the first time EVER that I have reached my goal and it was important to me to prove that I could do it.

Though I feel each pound gone, each layer exposed has been a success, in and of itself and I honestly would have been happy 25 pounds ago, it was this need of 'completion' that has made getting to my goal weight important. The need to feel 'complete' happiness. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me. *L*

I picked my own goal weight. It was the weight that I had dieted down to for my wedding. It was the last time and pretty much the only time that I felt good about myself. It was the time that I LOVED the person that I was and the only time I felt totally complete.

My surgeon is one of those physicians that refuses to set a 'goal weight'. My PCP is the same type of physician. They both fear, and with good reason, that if someone doesn't "make" that goal weight you run the risk of that person being sent into a spiral....swirling down the toilet. It made sense to me. I had seen that in myself over and over again EVERY single time I had dieted. I pushed them both to set a goal for me, without success *L* but I was able to pin down a soft hearted PA enough to say...."Beth, I really don't think you will see that goal." It was like dangling the carrot in front of the horse and even though he never realized it...and still doesn't...it was the words I needed to hear to drive me to keep trying.

So looking back now, I have to wonder, why the change? Why were his words imputus to not give up. In the past they would have crushed me. They would have fed right into my feelings of always 'just missing the mark'. They would have given me reason to tell myself to just give up. If I can't make it, why even bother to try? I think the difference is, is that even before I took the step of surgery I had found the 'words' within myself to come to peace with the person that I am. To love and embrace every single pound...every single painful layer because each layer helped to form me into the beautiful inward person that I am. I learned not to hate myself through my written word.

For those who know me, you know what an important place my poetry has played in my healing. It was what brought me to a point of understanding myself and to a place of forgiveness. Throughout my life I have always felt this sense that the reason I couldn't make those in my life understand me was because I just couldn't 'find the right words'. Surely, if I could find the right words, my Mother would understand how so many of her comments cut and hurt so deep. I mean she was a gentle, loving person...and person, really with a good heart who I knew loved me....but over and over again her actions and words made me feel as if I was a disappointment to her and I blamed myself for just not being able to explain well enough, not being able to tell her that it hurt. It had to be 'my fault'....it just had to be, because she wasn't the type of person that would ever want to hurt those in her life that she loved.

With my poetry I realized that I really didn't need to find the words for my Mother, I needed to find them for me. For me, 'words' mean 'understanding'. Without the 'words' I can't totally understand....I can't 'close the circle'. Thus the reason for all of these words.

I really don't expect many of you to understand all of this ramble. *L* But it was important for me to write it...to close the circle.

Thank you ALL so much for the support you give me....the unconditional love. For making me feel that I do have something good to offer others on this journey. For making me feel that "I can make a difference" in someone's life. That's important to me. It is important to me to help others heal. I honestly believe it is why I was placed on this earth....and it is why I went through all the trials of morbid obesity. Through the trials of life can come good. We learn, we grow...and it is important to me to be able to embrace ALL that I am, every single layer of me, love myself and then turn around and give that love back to others who are hurting.

...forgive the book....I really just needed to 'find the words'...
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rappaport · 06-16-2008, 10:11 AM

Thanks for sharing that Beth. Sounds like after some time, you were able to find just the right words to express how you were feeling. You are a special lady and I'm both honored and privileged to call you my friend. You've helped me along my journey, listened when I needed to vent, but most importantly, you gave me the comfort of trust. You are indeed loved by me and I'm sure a great many others as well.

Josephine · 06-16-2008, 10:33 AM

This song came on as I started to read your words Beth. I think it's meant for you

Quote:

She's a girl
Rising from a shell
Running to spring
It is her time it is her time
Watch her run with ribbons undone

She's a rose in a lily's cloak
She can hide her charms
It is her right there will be time
To chase the sun with ribbons undone

She runs like a fire does
Just picking up daises
Comes in for a landing
A pure flash of lightening
Past alice blue blossoms
You follow her laughter
And then she'll surprise you
Arms filled with lavender

You're a girl
Rising from a shell
Running through spring
With summer's hand in reach now
It is your time
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone
It is your time yes my angel
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone

MiladyB · 06-16-2008, 11:09 AM

Wow, Dez....I don't know that song at all but you are right...it feels like it was meant for me. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Between you and David over there you have me all in tears once again..but no worries, they are good tears....just tears of gratefulness for the gift of life.

atsagirl · 06-17-2008, 07:23 AM

Beth, I know that I said congrats to you before, but wanted to say it here for all to see.
CONGRATS ON A REALLY WELL DESERVED JOB WELL DONE. Like I have said before, you are such an inspiration to me and will always continue to be. I am so proud of you and your fight with this battle. Now the real battle begins, now that you have made goal, you have to be constaint on your way of life to keep it off. I have never had that chance, since I have never made goal, but now you will again show me the way.
I am just so thrilled for you, and can't wait to join you at goal!
I am so glad that I met you my friend,
Ann

Josephine · 06-17-2008, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiladyB

Wow, Dez....I don't know that song at all but you are right...it feels like it was meant for me. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Between you and David over there you have me all in tears once again..but no worries, they are good tears....just tears of gratefulness for the gift of life.

It's Tori Amos - Ribbons Undone..
You should get it and listen to it.. very inspirational.. thought it was perfect for this moment for you

MiladyB · 06-17-2008, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atsagirl

Beth, I know that I said congrats to you before, but wanted to say it here for all to see.
CONGRATS ON A REALLY WELL DESERVED JOB WELL DONE. Like I have said before, you are such an inspiration to me and will always continue to be. I am so proud of you and your fight with this battle. Now the real battle begins, now that you have made goal, you have to be constant on your way of life to keep it off. I have never had that chance, since I have never made goal, but now you will again show me the way.
I am just so thrilled for you, and can't wait to join you at goal!
I am so glad that I met you my friend,
Ann

Oh thank you so much, Ann. You are right, now the real battle does begin. I've never reached goal before, in my life, so we shall see how good, I show you the way.

I'm pretty sure you won't be far behind, my friend.

I hope you are recuperating from your surgery last week and that just maybe you will be able to get on down for support group next week.

Take care of yourself.

MiladyB · 06-17-2008, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

It's Tori Amos - Ribbons Undone..
You should get it and listen to it.. very inspirational.. thought it was perfect for this moment for you

Dez, you are right. It was perfect for the moment. I will most certainly hunt it down and listen to it. Once again, thank you for sharing it with me. It truly touched my heart.

lifeismypoetry · 06-18-2008, 01:00 AM

I know that you are an inspiration for many of us on here. You are so giving with your knowledge and willing to share so much of your time with us all. You are so loving to us and we can't thank you enough for it. As you said that you are my mentor and I am so happy to have you as my friend and on my side fight with me through my own journey. I can't tell you with word just how Proud I am of you for making your goal weight. I think that I might have set my goal too low to meet by reading this. I will try to persivere and make that weight, but I will remind myself not to beat myself up if I don't get that far down. Thank you so much for you being you!! I couldn't have asked for a better mentor than you...
All My Love,
Tina...

MiladyB · 06-18-2008, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeismypoetry

I know that you are an inspiration for many of us on here. You are so giving with your knowledge and willing to share so much of your time with us all. You are so loving to us and we can't thank you enough for it. As you said that you are my mentor and I am so happy to have you as my friend and on my side fight with me through my own journey. I can't tell you with word just how Proud I am of you for making your goal weight. I think that I might have set my goal too low to meet by reading this. I will try to persevere and make that weight, but I will remind myself not to beat myself up if I don't get that far down. Thank you so much for you being you!! I couldn't have asked for a better mentor than you...
All My Love,
Tina...

Tina, thank you for your words and your support to me. I personally feel that it is a privilege to be your mentor.

It is important that we don't beat ourselves up if we don't make that "goal". Personally I respect and agree with my surgeon about his feelings regarding goal weights. Even though I did set one for myself throughout this entire journey I tried very hard to just celebrate each pound that dropped off.

I like to look at this journey as if I was building a beautiful brick garden wall. Each brick placed has been a success. I had to place each one with care, with thought, in order for my wall to be solid. With each pound, each brick my wall has gotten higher but no matter what height it was, it was beautiful. It may be that at the end of our journeys that wall may not be quite as large as we initially envisioned but does that make it any less beautiful? Not in my eyes because each brick was successfully placed...placed with care, placed with love....and we should celebrate each of those successes because honestly?.....each pound is a success...it really is.