Beth's Story - Page 11 - ThinnerTimes

MiladyB · 11-04-2006, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RNY4me

Beth, Since I've discovered all of you fine people here, I've spent time looking around this forum and have been catching up on many posts. This one captured me and I read every word. I've always heard that phrase, "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you." But now I'm taking another look at it. I know I've buried some emotional issues. Now I'm thinking I'll be dealing with them as my journey with WLS begins. Your poetry is eloquent and brave. It speaks to the heart and soul. Thank you so much for sharing, it has touched me and helped me to see that I need to address much more than the number on the scale. I suspected I would need to go there at some time. Now I believe it will be essential. And it feels comforting in a way to know someone else has gone before, in fact many have gone before me, I have a path and a light to follow. Thank you Beth and thank you all, my new forum family.

Love to all,
Missy - (Now you all have my name and not just my username. A big step forward for me).

Missy, first of all welcome to the forum. I see your surgery date is quickly approaching. Probably not fast enough for you, though. I believe I read that you have the same surgeon as Zen? If so I know he is a good surgeon. I actually have some shared experiences with him when he was a resident in training. He was trained by my wls surgeon plus he did his residency at the hospital where I work. He did a burn rotation on our unit, so I actully worked with him.

Secondly, I want to thank you for your words. You have no idea how much it means to me when someone tells me that my poetry and words spoke to them. My poetry has been a deeply personal journey for me and I haven't hidden any of my pain. It was a painful journey in itself but one that helped me find some peace and strength to face my inner and outer demons. This journey that you are embarking on isn't an easy one. I know I wasn't ready for all of the emotional struggles. They have really thrown me at times, but I would not change a thing! You will have to face those demons if you want to succeed. As you have picked up from my posts that is the part that is making this journey hard for me. Its scary. I'm not going to lie to you but in the struggle I am learning SO MUCH. I really am. I am seeing a strength and self confidence in myself that I don't recognize. There are many times that I have told others that I don't recognize myself. Not only physically but also inwardly. Often its like I am a stranger to myself. Those feelings often bring a confusion and as others have said, a restlessness and feelings of being lost and out of control. Those are feelings that really frighten me. That lack of control has always been a huge trigger for me. I never realized it was a trigger before, but I am developing an increased understanding, a clarity of inner self.

Its important to lean on others. You will need them, especially when those inner demons come out of the fog and you clearly see them. But, with clarity comes understanding and strength.

Please remember I am here to support you. You aren't alone as you start this journey.

MiladyB · 11-29-2006, 08:31 PM

Well I am now 10 months post-op. It wasn't a very successful month and I am sufficiently frustrated. I only lost 4 pounds this month. I'm sitting on my first MAJOR stall out (right at the doors of One-derland) It almost feels like my body is afraid to cross-over!!

I must admit that exercise has really been slacking lately. I've been busy and just not making it the priority that I should. I also have been struggling more with the snacking. I suspect all of that has come into play with the slow weight loss. Sometimes I feel like I'm back into the self-sabatoge mode from years past.

The head games are starting again. In the back of my head I'm afraid that this will just be another failure. Failure has been all that I have ever known from childhood on, when it comes to my weight. The feelings of "failure" have been so much a part of my life since childhood in so many different areas. I struggle with knowing that it is okay to put "me" first. I need to learn to take care of myself. It isn't easy because I still struggle with my feelings of self-worth. It is getting better though. I do know in my heart that I am worth it. That I deserve to be successful. That I deserve to see fulfillment of my dreams. I have taken the right road this time. I truly believe that and I will succeed! There will be stumbles but I will not let them throw me into a spiral. I deserve more for myself and I know that there are many in my life that will continously remind me of that.

It's a new month. I've reset my goals of exercise and food journaling. I've recomitted myself to the process and I have loved myself enough to move on down the road, the right way.

I re-read these words of mine tonight. They were the words of pain and frustration in regards to my past weight loss attempts. This is not a pain I will visit again but it is good to remember where I've been.

The Gallows

I cupped within a trembling hand,
the reality of a dream,
that sacrifices obtained.

A road traveled...not in a safe way.
The goal a dream, that lived with me,
for most of my days.

Looking upon its reality, I shivered.
Reaching in, a core of sadness,
still brushed my hand.

Outside a garment of contentment,
inside, tumult reigned...
The expense of the reality.

Confusion tumbled around me.
The world had convinced me,
happiness was on the other side.

The reality, something my life depended on
but I traveled the wrong road,
to grasp and make it mine.

So with a cry of anguish,
I looked upon the reality
and with a quivering hand, it slipped away.

Now many times the world has
convinced me, that to save my life
the dream MUST become real.

And I have set my foot
upon many roads, only to slip
as the dream was so close at hand.

Feeling like a fool...a failure.
Why can't I find a road
I can travel, feeling at peace?

Is it me or the roads that I've traveled?
Is it sheer stupidity or fear,
that causes me to release?

Looking up at the gallows of my life,
the world's whispers echo in my mind,
“You're going to die...”

©BAR
7/20/98

MiladyB · 12-23-2006, 07:49 PM

The past 6 weeks have been a real struggle for me. I hit my first plateau and I have to tell you it played major games with my head. I had to really struggle with those feelings of "giving up". I tried so hard to do the "right" thing but that silly scale just kept going up and down those darn 5 pounds!!

I had a talk with the nutritionist and went through what I was eating. She felt I was still on track and that my body needed the time to basicly readjust. I had lost so much weight so quickly and it was time to play catch-up. She told me that the plateau would probably last 4-6 weeks and to try to be patient. Her words helped me to not get down too hard on myself. You know what? She was SO right! 6 weeks to the day I had a 4 pound weight loss and the next day I was down 3 more pounds!!! I had done nothing different than I was doing the weeks before but suddenly the weight loss began again and I found myself in ONE-derland!!!

I could have cried when I saw that scale say 198. It's been over 25 years since I've seen a weight under 200 pounds. I have to tell you that there are times this still feels like a dream. It hasn't even been a year and I've lost 157 pounds. At the start of this journey deep down I questioned if this would "work". I had tried diets so many times before only to fail after substantial weight loss. It was almost like I couldn't keep the momentum going and I would self-sabotage. I think that's what scared me the most with this plateau. The fear that I would turn to self sabotage just when it felt like I would reach my goal. The mind plays cruel tricks some times. But we have to learn to get past those tapes that we have heard in our heads so many times and realize that this is OUR time. That this is the time that we have to put ourselves FIRST. That we are worth all of the wonderful things that this world has to offer and that if we stay on track, even when it stalls, we will succeed!!

My next goal? To just be "overweight"....only 16 more pounds!!!

I'm going to do it, because I am worth it!!...and every day I am learning that it is okay to take care of myself.

Down 157 pounds and officially in ONEDERLAND!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Blueyz · 12-23-2006, 07:54 PM

Beth,

I know you will do it and pass your goal. You will be happily suprised and remember this post because it will happen to you. I can't wait. Congrats on hitting onederland. I have been away from the board because I have been so sick...working way too many hours. I am so sorry I missed your exciting news.

Congrats to you and have a very Merry Christmas.

Thank you for all of your continuous support. I am so thankful.

MiladyB · 12-25-2006, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueyz

Beth,

I know you will do it and pass your goal. You will be happily suprised and remember this post because it will happen to you. I can't wait. Congrats on hitting onederland. I have been away from the board because I have been so sick...working way too many hours. I am so sorry I missed your exciting news.

Congrats to you and have a very Merry Christmas.

Thank you for all of your continuous support. I am so thankful.

Thank you so much, Dale. I'm sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well. I hope you are feeling better and that you were able to enjoy Christmas today. Be kind to yourself. You hear?

Take care, my friend.

MiladyB · 01-10-2007, 11:49 AM

I am quickly nearing my one year rebirthday and I can't believe what this last year has brought into my life. I am presently down 165 pounds!! and today I slipped on a size 14 pants!! Its a little tight around the waist but it is comfortable enough to wear.

The health benefits alone have made this whole journey worthwhile. I am off all diabetic medication (was on 3 oral) with blood sugars around 80 and an A1C of 5.1. My cholesterol is normal and have been taken off of my Lipitor. The good cholesterol is coming up to where the dr wants to see it. I am now only on 1 blood pressure med with good blood pressures (was on 3) and I am CPAP free! I had an appointment with my PCP the other day and he couldn't be happier with my progress. Basicly he said even if I don't lose anymore weight he is SO HAPPY with the major improvements in my health. I personally would love to see 150 which is the weight I was at during college and I felt good at that weight.

I have decided to take steps towards trying to get insurance to pay for my panni removal and breast lift. I discussed it with my PCP who is totally supportive and basicly said to call him EVERY TIME I may have a rash, backache, anything that might even remotely be related to my panni and drooping breasts and he will document it. I am so thankful that I have a PCP that has been so supportive of me since the first time I talked to him about wls. So, what will the new year bring? I am hoping for PS maybe in the fall along with hopefully seeing my goal weight!! Plus leader of a support group! Heading off for training next week.

What an unbelievable ride I have been on this past year! I have been blessed with so many good things and I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to go through with this surgery, a supportive and caring PCP who fought the insurance company with me, a skilled surgeon and all of my wonderful family at TT.

rivercanyon · 01-10-2007, 12:00 PM

Beth congratulations on your coming one year anniversary. You have done so amazing and are such an inspiration for me.

Your poetry is beautiful and as I read I am convinced that you are writing about me. I often read your poems through tear filled eyes because I can feel your words so much.

Thank you for sharing so much with this forum. You are truly inspiring.

MiladyB · 01-10-2007, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rivercanyon

Beth congratulations on your coming one year anniversary. You have done so amazing and are such an inspiration for me.

Your poetry is beautiful and as I read I am convinced that you are writing about me. I often read your poems through tear filled eyes because I can feel your words so much.

Thank you for sharing so much with this forum. You are truly inspiring.

Tawna, thank you so much for your comment. You have touched me deeply. I so appreciate your support. It means alot to me to know that my words speak to you. If you ever want to read other poems that I've written I have a web page of my poetry. You can find it at http://www.geocities.com/mypoeticechoes/poetry.html If you visit my site I would really appreciate a comment in my guestbook to let me know what you thought.

Thanks again. You are a dear.

Mavisavis · 01-10-2007, 02:06 PM

Beth,

Wow, it is amazing how quickly your journey has flown and all the progress you have made. It's like a rebirth to watch and listen to someone live it. I use it as inspiration and motivation as I get further out. You are awesome and I can just hear the joy in your voice and the energy you've gained from this. I am so proud of all you've accomplished. I only wish I lived close enough for us to see each other and be there in person. I feel such a closeness to you. You are such an honest and real person.....I loveya girl. We gotta get together sometime....until then, keep being healthy.

LisaBoston · 01-10-2007, 03:40 PM

Beth, my podmate...how proud I am of you and your journey. How far you have come and how supportive you are to everyone. You really are a dream and an excellent role model for us all.

The number on the scale, is just a number...your health is what speaks volumes...although 165lbs is nothing to sneeze at!

Size 14 - too bad we didn't live closer, we could share clothes !

So proud of you sweetie....lets go into this next year together and one of much greater health!