Post-Fabulous Depression? - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 06-12-2006, 04:41 PM

So, I've been perusing the forum for the last few weeks, submitting posts here and posts there, but basically dipping my toe into the water. I've known that I need to get back into some kind of support, but I've resisted for many reasons. The main one is that I resent having to continue all of this self-help stuff - it took me years worth of therapy to change my life. I worked my ass off for so long, even before the surgery melted my ass off, and I'm just plain tired, you know?

I see several posts from long-term post ops talking about feeling sad in a variety of ways, and I wonder if this is something kind of like a post-partum syndrome for us. There's all this energy that's expended and then when our weight stabilizes and the air clears we're still left with our lives which may include dysfunctional relationships, low self-esteem, and unhealthy coping behaviors. It's like the book about when women stop hating their bodies - what do they do with their time? Well, I for one have started finding other things to be miserable about... but the truth is that I really don't want to be miserable at all and honestly I don't know if I know how to not do that. Does that even make sense?

I just know that I was on a major high after the surgery and nothing could get me down. Bad marriage? My response was to train and run 5K's, paint daily, go out with friends nightly, etc. I went through an ugly divorce, filed bankruptcy, and had hernia surgery last year, and yet I can't really recall having a bad day. Even the day that I found out my ex had gotten us into $80,000 worth of debt without my consent wasn't that bad - I cried at my best friend's pool with a cocktail, and that was about the end of that. But now... it feels like even a hangnail brings me down. The shiny new car smell of weight loss is gone and I'm in the throws of regular life... it's not near as fun as it used to be.

Part of me thinks that it may be narcissism - I got used to so much positive attention, and as everyone becomes used to the new me, it's not such a big deal any more. I was joking with my boyfriend that it's partly his fault too - he's made me "soft." In the last year and a half we've only had one "argument" (which was really about my insecurities) and he treats me like a "fairy mermaid princess" (which is his nickname for me). My theory is that since I'm no longer being berated, judged, and ridiculed in a relationship that I'm missing that tough exterior that I developed. Hmmm... I guess that's about narcissism too... Maybe the success of GBP turns us into narcissists? As ugly as I find that quality in people, I can definitely see it becoming stronger in me. How do you successfully navigate the thin line that separates putting your needs first (taking care of your life and health) and narcissism?

I've picked up a few really great pointers from you guys and gals and just wanted to see what you thought about this topic. Nancy's flylady.net (Finally Loving Yourself) is a great resource, and those that are into daily inspirational messages can go to http://tut.com/mmm.shtml and/or http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/.

What do you think?

lealphachienne · 06-12-2006, 07:48 PM

We tend to forget that life is a struggle, regardless of what your monkeys are. For us, we wore it on our sleeves, our misery screamed out to the world with our weight. Now, without the weight, the issues become more internal, more like everyone one else. As you say, the high of all that focus has worn off. People start to forget that we were fat, the new people we meet have no clue. I even forget at times. Even some of my friends have forgotten and are surprised that I don't finish my meals. It's like "oh, that's right, you had surgery" and "Can't you eat more by now". People don't see the lifelong struggles we still have because we look so normal.

I tend to see the pattern similar to post traumatic stress syndrome. My therapist has been working with me on it. It is quite traumatic to the Psyche to discover a new person that is so different, yet, somehow the same.

The weight for many of us is a symptom of an underlying disorder. For me, it was about learning to love myself, accept myself for who I am, in spite of all the "faults" that society has defined. I needed to define myself for me and screw what others may moralize about who I am. When I was thin in my teenage days, I suffered through much worse with a variety of abuses. I didn't love to learn myself, I was dejected and thought it was about finding someone who will love me unconditionally.

Then I got married and everything seemed fine. I thought I was happy, I fulfilled a certain role as defined by church, my parents, by society. I worked so hard to please every one else, to do great things, to try to bring up my own self esteem. Then the weight crept on, an outward sign of my inner disquiet. In the course of losing weight and changing myself, I had to lose everything that was tying me down to that former person. That is also very traumatic.

So, there's a secondary recovery process to go through. The first is all that is involved with the physical parts and initial emotional impact. About 2 years out, the next recovery phase is continuing to grow and become comfortable with the person you are now. I have noticed that my ex didn't do that and ended up with another addiction and spiraling out of control with his own life. Yes, he lost 240 lbs and kept it off for 4 years, but he never worked on his inner self and is now self medicating with alcohol.

It is human nature to want and desire more that what we have. That isn't always a bad thing. Complanceny in life keeps you stuck. We as spiritual creatures need to continue to evolve and define ourselves within our own little universe, then figure out how to relate to those outside of our space. The only people in your life who can trully love you unconditionally is God, and yourself.

Mavisavis · 06-12-2006, 08:47 PM

Wow, you guys are making a lot of sense, but I am sooo tired right now. I will have to revisit this and check out the web link. I want to process when my mind is clearer. I know I want to be as prepared as I can as I head further out......my issues are showing already at 9 months......ugh. You guys are great and I'm glad you stick around to share your struggles. You are both such an inspiration. Your honesty, insight, and self awareness give me hope that I can work through things and achieve the life I wanted both with my weight loss and beyond. Thank you.

delilah storm · 06-13-2006, 06:26 PM

wow. I was reading your response to Barbara and just wanted to say thank you so much as I truely needed to read that right now. You are so inspiring. I have found an awesome site where people truly care about each other and the insight in highly valued. Denise F.

mbrace · 06-13-2006, 07:46 PM

You know what you guys are right I am feeling like baby blues except it is like bypass blues. I feel like I am walking in circles and I don't know when to stop. I feel like I am looking for someone or something that just is not there.

Esouza · 06-15-2006, 10:28 AM

You know Marie you hit a lot of things right on the head. The PTS you talked about is pretty much the same with me mixed in with some other stuff. Pretty much just Borderline Personality Disorder. Going to therapy is the stuff. At least now I can understand where these emotions come from. For me I think I rely too much on others for an idenity. If people love me I love myself and when people don't like me I begin to question if I'm a good person or not. I know better and I'm working on it again. Someone told me yesterday that I was looking for victims to buy into my pity party. It was a terrible thing for someone to say. I reach out and ask for help and someone I trusted layed that on me. It weird because avoided help my whole life because I didn't want someone to see that weakness and use it against me. So it happens and I want to shrink back. Makes my stomach hurt to think about it. I began to wonder if I really do that. I keep working on it but like Barb I get tired of having to do the self help stuff all the time. I just want to sit back and breathe. Marie we've met a couple of times and I really didn't realize you had all that going on. I feel for ya but also I think you're doing such a great job getting thru it and sharing with others.

Take care peeps.

Ed