How has your marriage changed? - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

porshh951 · 03-14-2008, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Claire-in-Texas

I wouldn't say that my DH is secure or insecure. I think he is paying attention, supporting the changes, and going on this ride, unafraid. He is able to do that. Not everyone can

then all we are disagreeing on is termanology. I call the above being secure. Allowing for growth change and shifts is all about being secure.

We are saying the same thing I just used a different word.

I think being able to deal with all of the change in personality and physical image is the biggest factor in a relationship, regardless of weither its marriage or any other kind.

Claire-in-Texas · 03-14-2008, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by porshh951

then all we are disagreeing on is termanology. I call the above being secure. Allowing for growth change and shifts is all about being secure.

We are saying the same thing I just used a different word.

I think being able to deal with all of the change in personality and physical image is the biggest factor in a relationship, regardless of weither its marriage or any other kind.

YES, John, I agree with that.

I think the operative word we can all agree on is "change." How people address and deal with change, both those of us who have had wls and those who are our loved ones, is the key factor here.

lealphachienne · 03-14-2008, 07:59 AM

I am quite satisfied with my single life. Yes, there are moments where it would be nice to have someone to come home and snuggle with. However, I realize for myself that having a snuggle bunny isn't a strong foundation for a marriage

There is a certain freedom, satisfaction, and growth in being single. I have the ability to expand my life to include a broader range of networks. When I was married, I would not have accomplished my life's dreams. Granted, perhaps, if I had the "right" person, then he would support what I am doing.

As a young person, particularly married even younger.....most of us aren't ready to take on the world. We want comfort and security, a guarantee that life will be fine and we won't be alone. I found out that even married, you can be very much alone.

ladybug · 03-14-2008, 08:25 AM

I guess I am 1 of the lucky ones. I think my marriage is STRONGER than ever.
We have been together 16 years and married almost 14.. Even when I wanted to give up.my husband always says no body said it would be easy and has put up with the rollercoaster of my weight loss jurney.. I guess with any rollercoster ther are up and downs put you usually get off with a BIG smile..
I love to go with him now I used to hide behind the excuse I CANT but now its more like "race ya".. Good luck on everyones relationships.
xoxoxoxoxox

porshh951 · 03-14-2008, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lealphachienne

As a young person, particularly married even younger.....most of us aren't ready to take on the world. We want comfort and security, a guarantee that life will be fine and we won't be alone. I found out that even married, you can be very much alone.

ain't that the truth.

I don't need to be with anyone. If I choose to be with someone it will be for the right reasons not because im not secure enough to be alone.

taleci · 03-14-2008, 09:53 AM

As part of a couple that has been through WLS, I will say that our marriage has changed in positive ways from the WLS. We do more together now. We work out together, we go out to do "things" rather than just go out to dinner. After all of these years, I still feel that my DH is the most amazing person I've ever met.

What has adversely impacted our marriage is kids. While it isn't a by-product of the surgery, it all happened at about the same time. We have been together for 15+ years, and for most of that time we had been blissfully child-free by choice. A little more than 3 years ago we took in DH's nephew; it wasn't really a choice. The kid had nowhere to go and we were the child-free ones and it just happened. Now, that I have given the effort and decided that it just isn't working, we really don't have the choice to undo it. This is a high risk kid that I would classify as a problem child. You would think a kid coming from a bad living situation that WANTS to live with us would be grateful, but he isn't. I could go on and on about my issues with this kid but DH reads this board too and I know it would make him angry, so I will be respectful of that.

DH really is doing the best he can to save this child, and I really do admire DH's commitment to his nephew. But I am done, done, done. IMO, I think this kid's issues are so deeply ingrained that he will not change.
I know that I am far from perfect in this whole mess. I am extremely impatient and I have a hard time consistently forgiving this kid for the same crap he pulls over and over and over. I know I need to be better with him and I wish I felt more maternal toward him, but it just isn't there. It is a sad testament to my character that I feel more maternal toward my puppy than I do toward this kid. I really did try in the beginning, but at this point, I feel it is futile. I just don't have the energy to constantly engage in these battles. Ironically, taking this kid in has not only tested my marriage but also my faith. I was so very "believing" before taking the kid in, but these days I just seem to have lost my faith. It seems to me that if we were doing the right thing by providing this kid with a good stable home, and adapting our care-free lives, early retirement, and all of the good stuff for one of being parents to someone that gives us a lot of grief and that we didn't give birth too, it should be easier. I feel like God would pave the way and make things go smoother than they do. There is a verse in the Bible about doing deeds with a happy heart and I feel terrible that the happy heart of trying to do the right thing went out the window about 2 years ago. So I really struggle. I am also very resentful toward DH's family now and that doesn't help our marriage either. My MIL, SIL and and DH's aunt and uncle all live with 30 minutes of our house. When I ask for help, the only one that is there for us is DH's sister, however my SIL has twins of her own and a hectic career so I understand that she is busy. The others will spend more time and effort telling me why they can't help rather than just pitching in. Of course, when the kid came to live with us, everyone was quick to jump in and say they would help, that they would take him on occasion and let Dh and I have some couple time. Well that help lasted for all of about the first year. My MIL does almost nothing other than to criticize me. IMO, as the child's grandmother, she could see him for more than what equates to about 6-8 quick visits a year given that she is retired and lives close by. DH says I am wrong to be angry over other people not meeting my expectations of how they should act in this situation, and he is right, but it doesn't make any easier.
We have fought more in the past 3 years than we ever did prior to that and the fights are big. I hate going home a lot of the time so I either work late or find a million errands to do so I don't get home until around the kid's bedtime. I don't know what the future will hold. I love DH with everything I have and I am trying to make it work. He is trying also, and like I said before, he is is an incredible guy, so for now, my mantra is Four More Years! Four More Years! (and then the kid will be out of our house). Again, this all has very little to do with the surgery except that the timing was all about the same time. I think without the kid factor, our marriage would be incredible. From the moment we met, DH and I have been inseparable. We hardly ever used to fight, our feeling was we were committed to each other so it was useless to spend valuable time together fighting over the silly stuff. In so many ways, I feel like we've always known each other. However, because of the surgery I am also going through this metamorphosis and it changes how I view myself and others and how much I am willing to tolerate from others.

The one thing the surgery has done is to give me more of myself back, so if we do end up going our separate ways, I know I will be okay...I would be a very sad girl for a long, long time, but I would survive.

Wow, why is it so therapeutic to put this all "out there"?

jahluk · 03-14-2008, 10:23 AM

Thanks is great! I have noticed that the closer surgery date gets the more we are arguing over stupid stuff....Last night we had two arguements in under an hour......I will not let him get me down...I am changing my life for me, all this time he has been supportive saying that he already loves me a lot and the past week has been awful...fighting and just walking around the house like no one else is there.

Zenomia · 03-14-2008, 10:52 AM

What John said is dead on...What is Strong or Weak in your marriage, friendships, whatever will be MAGNIFIED 10 fold. We may 'feel' like the same people, but the outside changes affect how the rest of the world relates to us therefore it changes who we are in such simple understated ways that we aren't often aware of it until it is HUGE. My husband and I are stronger than ever, however, it's because we KNEW this would change the dynamics of our lives in various ways and we made adjustments along the way to compensate for that. He had to change his perceptions, and views right along with me. CHANGE is key...accepting those changes together is paramount in keeping a relationship together. I am NOT the MO girl I was 4 years ago. I have a body I am proud of, I don't hide in the darkness anymore, I am no longer a shy wall flower. I hold my head up when I walk and I don't attempt to 'blend' into the background when around other people. I have become more outgoing, more personable, and more willing to put myself into the spotlight - so to speak. THESE things I wouldn't have done 2 years ago. Those are HUGE changes, but they didn't show up all of a sudden...it was a slow, gradual transition that we have had to adjust for. My husband had to adjust too...he had to get over our comfortable 'homebody' lifestyle and take me out more. I wanted to do things I hadn't felt comfortable doing, I accepted invitations I wouldn't have before, all those little things he had to be willing to adjust with as well. This is one of those processes that don't just affect YOU. It affects everyone around you. My In-Laws didn't like the fact that I was now telling them NO. I was standing up for myself, I wasn't getting pushed around anymore and I stopped being walked over like my life didn't matter in the grand scheme of theirs. THIS...didn't set well with them, and they chose NOT to adjust with me, they chose to complain and lament about 'the way things USED to be'. It's sad, but true.

WoW....as per usual...I have spouted a NOVEL. Hope in all that rambling, I actually had a coherent thought or two that helps...

sdgrrl · 03-14-2008, 11:19 AM

Talesi,
I understand your pain. 2 years ago I opened my home and let Michelle's middle (16 yo) son move in with us. The older one was over 18 and the younger one lives with his dad. The middle one had lived with his Grandmother until she had had enough of his crap.

Michelle and I had never once had even a difference of opinion prior to that. Him coming here changed all that. He stole from me--money, meds, you name it. He was inconsiderate of my things--ruined towels, ruined my desktop computer, ate a TON of food (he was good at sneaking the food) and often ate the ingredients for dishes I was going to cook. I drove this devil-spawn child to school every day, told him I loved him and to have a great day, blah blah blah.

When he OD'd for the first time, I was there with support, respect, and forgiveness. I warned him that another episode like that one would cause me to have to ban him from the house. He did it again for a second time in a month (and in full view of his little brother who really freaked) I had to be true to my consequences and told Michelle he was no longer welcome in my home. She ended up taking him back up to Vegas with his Grandmother. That turned into an awful fiasco, with Michelle having to choose between me and Jake. I understood the magnitude and let Michelle know that if she needed to be with him that I understood, I would be incredibly sad about losing her, but I refuse to come between a child and its parent(s)! Michelle chose me. Michelle's mother now thinks I am evil, and Jake has written some horrid letters to me, as well as doing some very wicked stuff that I don't want to get into. I loved the kid and was really sad that he refused my love and support, but absolutely refuse to allow him here. I'm grateful I loved myself enough to stand up for me.

I say this because you DO have options. If the nephew starts/continues to disrupt your lives and threaten your marriage, lay down some rules and stand by them! There are inpatient and outpatient programs for troubled youth. You say there are other relatives in the area. I agree with you that the SIL with twins deserves to be spared, but there are others. And if they won't take them, know that you have the right to not take him either!

I wish you the best of luck with this, I know how awful it can be, and it's too bad you've got this albatross around your neck. And the really awful part is that when your "4 more years" is over, you may find that he still hates you and doesn't appreciate anything you have done for him.

Please be true to yourself! Get counseling for anyone in the house who will do it, including (and especially!) you. If you don't want him in the house anymore, put your foot down! If your DH will not stand by you, then you have found out just where you stand, and your options will be there for you to pick from. Don't even try to be stoic--it WILL blow up in your face, and you will experience an anger that will taint every single thing in your life.

pm me if you need some support or someone to vent to. Having been through it, I understand this pain and upheaval it can bring.

Alleusion · 03-14-2008, 11:21 AM

I think what particularly means the most to mean in John's post is this :

Quote:

If a guy has self esteem issues he just simply won't be okay with you getting thin and getting attention. For alot of you women you find after you drop a good bit of weight your commuication is percieved different and taken differently. The general public starts to treat you differently. All of this takes its toll on a guy who isn't balanced. Same go's for the women.

My ex had MAJOR self esteem issues, as did I. With him being in the military too, it didn't help. He was gone much of our marriage in I was still practically a child myself when we married. As I grew, he grew, but we grew in different ways. Because I told myself I couldn't do any better, I stuck with it, when I should have left him years and years ago.

The final straw was when his self esteem issues conflicted with my new confidence and strength in myself, and he became abusive. I knew he had it in him, just never figured he'd take it out on me. I'm glad I took the steps I did. I'm where I belong now.