Blah... - ThinnerTimes

eyesthatkissu · 08-12-2007, 08:24 AM

Being one of the quote, un-quote lucky ones, or unlucky ones, depending on your views, I can eat any damn thing I want. Occassionaly I'll experience a mild dump, or have to throw up that one bite too many. But it's seldom. So what's a girl to do? I have become SO wasteful! The only way to deal with my food addiction is to throw stuff away. Constantly. I'm okay with all the junk food in the pantry. It seldom tempts me. But when it does, I find myself having a taste and throwing the rest away, or giving it to the dog. When I see myself doing things I did pre-op, I panic and over-react. Take yesterday for example. I normally have a mid-morning snack, of fruit, or beef jerkey and cheese. Sometimes if that hollow feeling in my stomach is very strong, I'll have a quarter of a whole wheat bagel or some cevechi. Yesterday I was cleaning up the kitchen and an add came on for Cherrios. I was like, "YUM". So I made myself a bowl of Cherrios and right as I started to take a bite, the spoon stopped just an inch or so from my mouth and I stared at it. I remembere pre-op, having three or four bowls of cereal a day. Or if it was just my breakfast it was a HUGE bowl, or at least two bowls. I nearly started to cry walked over and dumped the entire bowl down the drain. Then got a tomato and a string cheese. Almost two years out, and food is STILL my addiction. And it always will be. I've gone back to not ordering food when we go to a sit down resturant, because it's just so tempting to order things I know I should not eat. I pick off hubbies plate instead. Because when I did order a plate, I'd either take it home and give it to the dog, or take it home and eat it all the next day. I don't want to do that! I've stopped eating in the evenings all together except I allow myself fruit. Food still consumes my every waking thought. First thing when I wake up I'm thinking about my english muffin and cup of coffee. By 9 I'm thiking about my snack. All day I'm thinking about dinner. I'm thinking about food, my weight, my surgery, my body, my skin. I find myself looking at obese people eat and wanting to scream at them from the rooftops about what they are doing. Food is still my addiction, it just haunts me in so many different ways now. I'm still.... living to eat, it's just restricted now, but still so previlant in my mind. Just another reminder that surgery doesn't fix what's wrong in our brains that made food an emotional crutch...

rainrain · 08-12-2007, 08:43 AM

Welcome to the human race, my love.
Think of it this way. When a child is born and enters the world what is its first and only instinct? Hunger...food, where's the boobie???
It is part of the survival instinct, it is strong and powerful, with out it would mean we would lack the desire to live and to exsisit.

Obsession: is when we can not control what is natural and normal.

Blending instinct with obsession: the answer................

Food is good, it is fuel for our body. It is a social connecter. It is like all things in this world a lovley gift, however, just all things in this world we must see it for what it is and not give it more value than deserved. It can not become our God.
When someone is obsessed with something, anything it usually becasue it has been a source of deprivation.
Release yourself from that obsession by forgoing the deprivation, and replace the guilt with confidence and power by enjoying your own food, natural healthy choices. It is not neccesary to pick off your husbands plate, have your own, ask for a special order at a restaurant, buy delicious and healthy foods that you love and enjoy!!

Feel good about the woman you are and the influences you share.

Can I honestly say that your concerns are different that my own?...no I will not...but I will add that I have embraced my instnct as it is the very passion of my life.
To want to live and love and play with gusto and no regrets.
So I put food in that same category, I make choices that will encourage a long and passionate life, forgive myself when I eat unhealthy, and never allow guilt to sabotage my passion.

Life is a gift and food is part of sustaining life. We can not stop eating any more than we can stop breathing.

Knowing that your feelings are normal and replacing the negative feelings with positive healthy thinking and choices are where you will find peace.

You are a lovely, gorgeous wonderful mom, wife and friend.
These qualities are those of a woman who lives life with passion, and all that comes with it.
Embrace it, relax and be healthy!!

Rain

Gina in NY · 08-12-2007, 08:50 AM

I hear what you're saying - you have the addiction still - but it an addiction with no teeth. It no longer controls your actions or you wouldn't have put that bowl down. I know it would be nice to be able to forget about food, but I don't know how that happens, honestly. Maybe many hours of therapy? I don't know - haven't done that post-op.

What you describe sounds like it is torturing you, yet what I read is that you have adapted all these new ways to cope. Odd that it sounds healthy, but is driving you batty at the same time. I don't know - could it be as simple as realizing you're always going to be thinking about food and letting that be okay? We used to be MO - we ate A LOT of food. Now we don't, our bodies are healthy now,but we think about food. Seems better to me.

I guess I don't expect to ever feel normal about food. I've told DH that I am basically living on a diet the rest of my life. It will always feel like a diet - it will never feel "normal". But I accept that as a small price to pay for my health. Expectations are everything in how our emotions work.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying, but I think it is something like - this sounds totally normal - you're dealing with things amazingly well. Can you imagine throwing away a bowl of cereal a few years ago? I couldn't have. All is well. You changed your life SO drastically, so fast - a few years is not much time to adjust! Maybe 10 years from now, we won't be thinking about food as much. Maybe that is enough time to really take our new lives to heart - but maybe not and so what? If my realtionship with food always feels crazy, but I stay at a healthy weight and eat right, maybe that is okay. Maybe that is the best I can hope for? Maybe that is really, really good, considering where I could have been. And maybe, it is enough.

I think of my sober friends - they never stop talking about it. Never. It is with them all the time. Why should I be different? Isn't there something about acceptance in the steps?? Anyway - I think you're doing just great. I don't think this life thing is suppose to be easy and struggling with obesity and finding a tool to beat it - thats not easy either. Again, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, except that this all seems exactly right to me. Exactly what I expect it to be and that gives me peace.

LisaM · 08-12-2007, 12:43 PM

I'm thinking that maybe this is what normal actually is. Wanting the bowl of Cheerios, and dumping it down the drain anyway. I could not have done that while MO, I don't know about you. I wasn't capable of throwing food away without at least tasting it first... I could only throw it out AFTER I had made myself sick with eating too much of it too fast.

And, I find myself believing that you're stronger than me...because if my pouch hadn't reached out and smacked the living crap out of me after 3/4 of a cup of ice cream, I'm not sure that I wouldn't already be back out buying more. But it does, and I'm grateful, because I'm not sure I have strength enough to throw the Cheerios away without tasting them. I have a lot of respect for your strength right now... you should too.

sdgrrl · 08-12-2007, 02:13 PM

Robin,
I read this thread with great interest, and agree with most of what each of these fine women has said. One thing that I wonder about is the constant hunger and craving.

When my body (as opposed to my mind) is calling for a particular food, it is usually because it needs it for some reason. Cheerios is not exactly a foodie's drug of choice (like ice cream is for me!) and so I wonder if your body is craving the oats, the fiber, the milk they sit on...etc. Try to break it down and see exactly what part of the craving is the core--it will most likely be something real and physical that Robin's engine needs vs what Robin's brain desires. For you to be so consumed (ouch!) with thought of food, I tend to agree with Rain, that maybe you need more. When you have your English muffin and coffee, how about some oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon and coffee? English muffins are wonderful (have them my own self many mornings) but are kind of light weights in the vitamins and nutrients department. Or have some fruit with yogurt and granola--vitamins, fiber, protein. An English muffin doesn't have much protein.

And order your own darn plate of food! If you have to, order off of the kid's menu, but order something healthy that is reheatable. I've taken home baked potatoes that take me 3 meals to eat, but each meal has been yummy and has vitamins in it.

With the addiction thing, I wonder what would have happened if you had taken 2 bites of the cereal, then found you were satisfied and threw the rest away or given it to Thrasher. It feels to me like the goal of this life changing event we inflicted on our bodies is to eat and think about eating like "normal" people do. Normal people eat Cheerios mid morning when they are hungry. They just maybe have 1/4 cup of cheerios, not 3 bowls. Normal people eat pizza--a slice or two, not 1/2 a pizza. It seems like THAT is the secret that determines whether we remain WLS patients or post MO people who are assimilated into society.

I feel somewhat incapable of saying what I want to convey today. We will always have to take a second look at what we eat, when, why, and how we eat it. But it doesn't mean that because we do take a second look, we must always say no to ourselves. If you ask yourself the why, how much, WHAT, how about ___________ instead, and your body (not that tricky bitch, our MINDS) says no, I require ____________, then oblige her. It will shut her up, and maybe take away some of the incessant nattering your mind is doing because your body needs a specific fuel that she is not getting. Do I make any sense at all?

You, Marty and I all had our surgeries very close together. Marty reports eating pretty much everything she wants, just in much more realistic portions. I am discovering still the mind/body connection. One big ass lesson is knowing that if I am going to have simple carbs, I need to not drive for awhile after eating. I still have a ways to go, but the lesson was indelibly written on my brain watching me total out my car and nearly my beloved stepson, too.

You seem to be still in the food is more than just fuel stage. What would REALLY happen to you if you gave in to all your cravings for 24 hours? I'm not talking about eating a whole cake. You want a piece of cake? Take a small one. Take a bite and chew it slowly and carefully, tasting each bite. How many bites before you're done with it? Do that for a DAY, Robin. I think you will find that you are much more over your affair with food than you think. It's like your body is over the craving for booze, but your head is still in a "dry drunk."

I feel for you, Sweetie, and you have my numbers....if you can't get your cheerios off the brain, pick up the phone and call me! I'll walk you through the landing. Even AA members have sponsors. Look up the words for the song "Willow" by Joan Armatrading. (The music is beautiful and soothing as well.) I'll be your Willow if you want...

eyesthatkissu · 08-12-2007, 08:03 PM

Everything you all have said makes very perfect sense. But don't get me wrong, I'm a pervayer of the "all things in moderation" montra. Usually if I crave something I have a taste and am able to move on. It's what I preach at support group. My fear is that one moment when I WON'T. Now if I want a bite of brownie I have one. But I know that in 1/2 an hour I can have another one, and so on, do that all day long and before I know it I will have consumed an entire box. SO now I give the rest to the dog. Or try and not eat it at all. Perhaps you are right Donna about my body craving certain things, like the dairy or fiber or whatever. But knowing that it's one of my trigger foods is what leads me away from it. I guess the issue is I don't want to be controlled by food. I want for it NOT to be my addiction. That's the quandry. Because it always will be, just as it is with an alcoholic, drug, or sex addict. I usually make very healthy choices, and when they aren't they are in small amounts. I just don't want to be controlled by food. I find it hard to believe that an "ordinary" person like say my husband thinks about food all the time. It's just there to serve a purpose. I want to wrap my brain around that concept. Is that possible?

rainrain · 08-12-2007, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyesthatkissu

Everything you all have said makes very perfect sense. But don't get me wrong, I'm a pervayer of the "all things in moderation" montra. Usually if I crave something I have a taste and am able to move on. It's what I preach at support group. My fear is that one moment when I WON'T. Now if I want a bite of brownie I have one. But I know that in 1/2 an hour I can have another one, and so on, do that all day long and before I know it I will have consumed an entire box. SO now I give the rest to the dog. Or try and not eat it at all. Perhaps you are right Donna about my body craving certain things, like the dairy or fiber or whatever. But knowing that it's one of my trigger foods is what leads me away from it. I guess the issue is I don't want to be controlled by food. I want for it NOT to be my addiction. That's the quandry. Because it always will be, just as it is with an alcoholic, drug, or sex addict. I usually make very healthy choices, and when they aren't they are in small amounts. I just don't want to be controlled by food. I find it hard to believe that an "ordinary" person like say my husband thinks about food all the time. It's just there to serve a purpose. I want to wrap my brain around that concept. Is that possible?

yes, I beleive it is possible. Perhaps in different way than you expect. As I mentioned before it is our first and stongest instinct your drive to survive may be stronger than most, but that should be looked upon as a benefit and strength. KNowing this may allow you to be free of the negative feelings you harbor regarding your thoughts and make them positive because they are what makes you a feisty survivor!!

sdgrrl · 08-12-2007, 11:52 PM

Have you done an "autopsy" on your trigger foods to find out what the trigger is? Is it comfort, mouthfeel, sublime taste, the reincarnation of a happy memory? That would be a good start.

Protein loading is a 2nd good step. Keeping your belly full of the good stuff goes a long way toward shutting up the "I wanna's". Take out the foods with the emotional attachment, give props to the body fuel foods, and start with that. That will give you a good idea what is missing from your diet. And if nothing resonates except that piece of brownie, start picking that apart and see if you can figure out the why of that. Would it help you to take a normal portioned brownie, cut it up into smaller pieces and use them to reward yourself during the day for doing other healthier things? Like you can have one after you vaccuum the house. Another one after chaufeuring the kids around to their social obligations. Finished the laundry? Perfect time for that little bite. The trick is to satisfy a whole bunch of cravings with small bits of the big reward. At the end of the day you have had one normal sized brownie, but taking it in over the course of 10 hours instead of 8 regular sized brownies. (And I totally feel your pain--I could sit and eat a whole pan with pretty much no remorse. They are the most wonderful food I can think of! I feel for you, Robin, and still invite you to listen to the song "Willow"...That's the beauty of this group--there is someone to willing to listen to whatever is giving you pain. Hang in there!

AlabamaChick · 08-13-2007, 05:28 AM

Robin, I am still consumed and obsessed with food too, but mine has become a hatred, which is reversed of what you are going through. I HATE food and I hate to eat. It makes me very nervous and upset. I am very wasteful too but because I can't eat. I fix my tiny plate with good intentions hoping I can force some down, but most of the time it does not happen and I revert to a protein smoothie of yogurt, milk, and protein powder. I do get hunger now at times, but it's hard to put solids in my pouch to make me feel better, so I try and if it don't happen, then the smoothie works. I find that I could go days without eating, but I force myself to try every day because I know it's healthy for me. I make sure I get my calories in by drinking them when I can't get much food in. I sometimes say I wish I was like you and could eat things because I wonder now what it feels like to be able to sit down to a piece of meat and eat it and not be "afraid" of it. But at the same time, I think this is God's way of insuring this process works for me. He knows me very well and I'm afraid if I "COULD" eat, I "WOULD" eat, know what I mean? I would so love to "love" food again and I would too if I didn't have a barrier there to stop me. So I can see where it can be a problem for you. I don't know how to help you honey, but I have to tell you that you are doing an amazingly beautiful job at it so far even though you feel you struggle. You are georgous inside and out! You are such an inspiration for SO many people! I think you reminding yourself where you came from when the trigger foods get close to your mouth is a good way of handling your situation though. It will help keep you honest like my barrier does. Stay strong dear........

Teenieleenie · 08-13-2007, 09:28 AM

The support for each other on this site is amazing. You guys are truly inspirational.