Why I Want WLS - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

DenMomLT · 10-27-2009, 09:40 AM

Like so many of you, I had to write an essay for the WLS group. I just re-read it, and thought that like many of the essays I've read from other people on this site, someone might see their story in mine. Here goes...

When I close my eyes, and picture myself I see no number. The girl in my mind’s eye is strong, confident, healthy and happy. She does not weigh her importance by the numbers on the scale or the label on her jeans. She just “is.” But when I open my eyes and get a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror, I feel sad. The girl I see looking back at me is NOT me. While I know that it is me…it’s hard to believe that I am at the point where I am not recognizable to myself and that I am looking for help outside of myself.

My size has always been an issue. In high school I was an athlete. I was strong, muscular, healthy and confident. But my build made me feel fat and heavy. I have “good strong Dutch legs” and “big bones” as my mom would say. Those good strong Dutch legs made every pair of uniform shorts too tight and my big bones required that I have to wear the uniform shirt with the biggest number, because generally those were the largest size shirts. I could never trade clothes with my friends, because I was always bigger than they were. My freshman year in high school we had the senior boys as the teacher’s assistants in our PE class. The first week of the school year consisted of taking our vitals…and this included getting on the scale. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, the senior boys had to record the measurements. I weighed more than 90% of the class; 160 pounds. Devastated, humiliated, frustrated…I felt all of these things.

Basically, size was always on my mind. I was big and solid. And that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. As I grew older, my size did too. While I wasn’t obese, I was a big girl…bigger than other girls. I began working with my internist after having my daughter in 2003. I had been prescribed an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication after her birth, but wasn’t feeling any better. My internist prescribed Wellbutrin and we devised a nutrition plan focusing on increasing protein and decreasing carbs. I lost a small amount of weight, but still felt depressed. As my body has changed with motherhood, and now peri-menopause, I find that while my will is strong my body often does not cooperate. I have worked with my doctor’s office for nearly 3 years, participating in lifestyle and weight management classes/programs. These programs offered weekly clinical follow-ups with weigh-in, blood pressure monitoring, pulse, review of symptoms/changes, etc and a weekly B-12 shot, along with discussion groups. A lifestyle coach and personal trainer offered weekly exercise and movement classes as well. I’ve learned WHAT to do to lose weight, but can’t seem to put it in action. I think I need an intervention…and that’s what I see surgery as…an intervention. With every new attempt, and subsequent “failure” the weight crept back…and then increased. It seems hopeless.

I’ve spent the last 19 months in a 12-step program and have discovered the value and beauty of myself. I am a strong, healthy, confident woman on the inside. I love deeply, laugh heartily and enjoy my life. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t match. I hate that the seatbelts on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland are too tight. I hate that I weigh too much to go on a zip-line tour through the Kauai rainforest or on a Segway tour at Disney’s California Adventure. I hate that I’m too tired to go on a walk with my husband, or play hide and seek with my daughter. I hate wondering if the gate agent will tell me that I’m too big for the seat and will need to buy another ticket. I hate it. I want to have my mind and body operating on the same field. There are so many adventures and experiences that are out there for me, I want to be able to live my life. Right now, I am a human being…not a human living. The high BMI, elevated blood pressure and triglycerides, impaired glucose tolerance; all of these things threaten my life. I want to be a mother to my daughter, a wife to my husband. I want to participate in the world around me. Actively participate.

As I stand at the beginning of a journey I hope I will be able to take, I look up at the summit and am terrified of the seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me. If I have to lose weight on my own, I feel that it will be a very difficult, frustrating, and solitary journey. I view surgery and the required steps of successful weight loss as the support group in this journey. I know that having the support of others, encouragement of my family and friends, and being able to see progress is what I need in order to be successful. I have a lot to offer the world. It’s time to get started!

jennuwine23 · 10-28-2009, 11:27 AM

welcome to TT

Beautifully written! I completely understand what you are talking about who you are in your mind vs who you are when you look in the mirror. That’s why I used to avoid them like the plague.

Marella · 10-30-2009, 04:42 PM

Well sweetie, you're a writer alright. That was beautiful and tragic and the story of all of us. Welcome to Thinner Times.

I wish that you get everything you desire out of your journey and more. The self-discovery that you've done so far will be greatly enhanced by dropping pounds and better reflections.

When I'd approach a storefront, I'd too cringe, "that's not me!" but it was. Today, as I approach a storefront and see my reflection, what I see imaged back delights me, I giggle every time.

Here's to lots of future giggles as your journey continues. Once on the post-op side, your giggles will get louder, louder than your daughters because every time you do something you couldn't once, you'll smile, you'll giggle, it will be a private reflection, better than a storefront window.

Those high school days are gone, but this time, less than 2 years from now, if you want to go to a reunion, you will do so with your head held up. What awaits you is a new way of life. I got mine back -- you're on the path to reclaim yourself, define yourself, mold yourself and be better than you ever dreamed you could be.

All the best,