ATTENTION ALL BIRDS
Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo
Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the
Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no
longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.
As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive
at international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service
(INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear
the birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not
carrying undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.
All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry
passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not
have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry
fee which must be paid three separate times, at three different
government offices, after standing in three different lines as per
standard INS regulations.
All undocumented birds shall hereforth be deemed "terrorists."
Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be
escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds
("terrorists") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired
upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be
televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"
The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters
and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot
anything that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are
required to be videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by
people experiencing epileptic seizures.
Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order
to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with
high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay
Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers.
(Torture photos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)
Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be
offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.
Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan
Spurlock.
Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland
Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal
Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with
five thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane
Katrina victims and still hasn't completely melted.
All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with
federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act.
Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses
will be deemed "enemy combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson
Foods foul interrogators.
All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their
nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.
Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S.
Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same
answer for everyone: "Drink more milk."
Thank you for your compliance,
- The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division
Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute
or repost is granted, provided credit is given to the Health Ranger,
with a link to
http://www.NewsTarget.com/013054.html
Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo
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