I need advice please - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Groovey kinda Love · 09-03-2005, 04:15 PM

Hi guys, let me start by saying I appreciate all of you wonderful peeps and that is why I come here for advice.

Ok here is my perdicerment (*spelling) My ex-husband was recently sent to prison. We have 2 kids together and as most of you know my kids are a bit older. (18 & 15). Well my son being the 15 year old is having issues with his dad going to prison as he is a daddys boy. Brandon never gets into trouble at school and he is the student that the teachers appreciate. Well the day his day was sent up Brandon skiped 7th hour class and then yesterday i got a call from the assistant disiplinarian principle that Brandon had made a threat to blow up a teachers house. My boy is now suspended for 2 weeks cause of his actions. I have grounded him, told him he has to let his date know he can't go to home coming, and he has to get a hair cut ( I know it sounds petty but he has the skate board look that the girls his age digs), I also have called the doctor to ask for a psychologist referal. What am i leaving out? I have told him repeatedly "I love him and am always here for him" But I am not his dad and who he wants is his dad. Please if any of you have any advice that i can use please feel free to help me out here.

veroniquetalk · 09-03-2005, 06:08 PM

I think you are right on target. Has he shared with you how he is feeling? Also, check to see if the word has gotten around school and see if that is adding to his feelings

sharebare · 09-03-2005, 06:30 PM

You're doing fine. Support him and let him know that you love him. It will take time, but he needs to understand things will be ok. He can write his Dad. That might help.

Jennifer Miller · 09-03-2005, 08:10 PM

Try to find something in common with him. Join in on his activities.
Remember his slip at school was masitake. Nothing more.
As for his hair.Gee. let that go for awhile. Fix his favorite meal and decorate his chair at the table with things about his favorite subject.
His Dad made him feel special.. You have to find a way to make him feel he is still special in the absence of his Dad.
Establish a routine where you both sit down and write a letter to his Dad.
Let him express his feelings in the letter.. Encourage it.
Good luck.
Jenni

LizardQueen · 09-03-2005, 09:02 PM

Sweetie, I wish there was a magic cure I could tell you of but I can't. Let the hair thing go. It is great you have a little guy who is willing to be his own person-hair isn't the issue so don't make it one. He nees counseling to get through this or maybe more stringent psychiatric help. Call your local health and human services office (health dept.) they can give you a crisis care number and he can get help ASAP. They have emergency personnel available 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. We had to have my daughter committed around Christmas last year and we had to do it on an emergency basis. There is help. I'll keep you both in my prayers!

Groovey kinda Love · 09-04-2005, 12:26 PM

ok the hair thing is out the window but he still has to get the bangs trimmed (his request). I understand about making him feel special, and I encourage him to write his dad all the time. I guess the good thing is his dad is only in for about a year and a half (good time) other wise it is 30 months. When we knew his dad was going to be going to prison I let Brandon spend as much time with him as he wanted, no questions asked. I knew things would come to this and that he needed his time with his dad. The other good thing that came out of this is that i am praying that his dad has learned that a hot temper will get you no where quick.

Jennifer Miller · 09-04-2005, 01:32 PM

Please listern a little harder.. Special means getting belly to belly with him.
When I said sit down and write a letter together. Literally that is what I meant.
Not tell him. Get the paper and pen,his favorite drink. Put on his favorite music .
BETTER YET"(Go to a Hallmark store and get a series of Cards for him to send, "Suggestion" Tell him that tomorrow I am taking you on special ride.Please be ready at ten.Take him to breakfast and then on your way out say I have to go to the Hallmark store and invite him in. Once inside let him wonder, when you have several selections ask him which ones he would like to send to his Dad.
Sit at the table with him and write together. Write your letter, Have him write his.
Even if only writes "Dear Dad" . Read what you wrote .
Talk about the feelings.
Remember he feels abandoned, shame that his Dad is in prison and deep anger.
The most important thing is to give him support.. in what ever means possible.
I know this hard with teenage boys.. however look at this forum it is full of wonderful people with amazing support .
[B]

Jennimaria · 09-04-2005, 09:58 PM

Suzy, I think you are doing just fine. I wasn't "that" bad of a kid, but I did get in trouble at times. My Mom would ground me and I actually respected her for it. If he is acting out like this then there is probably a bigger reason for it which I think seeing a Psychologist is a good idea. He may just need somebody that is not a relative to talk to about things. Hope everything works out for the best.

Groovey kinda Love · 09-05-2005, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer Miller

Please listern a little harder.. Special means getting belly to belly with him.
When I said sit down and write a letter together. Literally that is what I meant.
Not tell him. Get the paper and pen,his favorite drink. Put on his favorite music .
BETTER YET"(Go to a Hallmark store and get a series of Cards for him to send, "Suggestion" Tell him that tomorrow I am taking you on special ride.Please be ready at ten.Take him to breakfast and then on your way out say I have to go to the Hallmark store and invite him in. Once inside let him wonder, when you have several selections ask him which ones he would like to send to his Dad.
Sit at the table with him and write together. Write your letter, Have him write his.
Even if only writes "Dear Dad" . Read what you wrote .
Talk about the feelings.
Remember he feels abandoned, shame that his Dad is in prison and deep anger.
The most important thing is to give him support.. in what ever means possible.
I know this hard with teenage boys.. however look at this forum it is full of wonderful people with amazing support .
[B]

Jennifer you are so right, and I did get what you said the first time I guess I am so frustrated that I am not wording my thought correctly. You have given me such wise things to think about and do with my son. Usually I don't have a problem with knowing what to do but this is such a problem that even though his dad and I have been divorced now for 12 years we still remained friends and it has made it harder for me to think straight. Thanks for all the insight.

Groovey kinda Love · 09-05-2005, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennimaria

Suzy, I think you are doing just fine. I wasn't "that" bad of a kid, but I did get in trouble at times. My Mom would ground me and I actually respected her for it. If he is acting out like this then there is probably a bigger reason for it which I think seeing a Psychologist is a good idea. He may just need somebody that is not a relative to talk to about things. Hope everything works out for the best.

That is where my thought was. I was thinking that maybe I am too close for him to talk to, and that just maybe a stranger would be better.