To tell or not to tell - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Country_Girl · 07-07-2004, 09:54 AM

Hi Everybody,

My surgery date is fast approaching (July 19th) and I would like some input from everyone about "telling". How open was everyone about having the surgery? So far I have told my husband and my mom (the hardest part as she doesn't support it but I will need help with my kids when in the hospital). I have 3 children (8, 5, and 2). What did you tell your kids? I don't want to frighten them, I don't want them going to school and telling everyone I had WLS (or do I?). What about acquantances that see you after you have started losing weight? Do you spill it or do you just take the compliment and say you are eating less and exercising more? We have a vacation I am going to cancel with some friends because it falls too closely after the surgery, do I say what is really going on? Do I say I had gallbladder surgery or some other vague lie? They will know it is big for me to cancel because this is a yearly trek we all look forward to.

I hope I am not alone in feeling this way.

Help!!!!

Nancy

melanie hirschorn · 07-07-2004, 10:29 AM

nancy
first, my husband obviously knew and was very supportive. my daughter was 11 when i had surgery and she knew. she knew i was in poor health and i had to do something and that there were risks with surgery, but also my health was at risk if i didn't do something. my parents were adamantly against it, but now that i've lost my weight and am so healthy they think it's the best thing i did. at the time they were so against it i really didn't care. i figured i'm an adult, and i can do what i want. it was my body and my health and as long as my husband supported me on it i really didn't care. i told people what i did. i really didn't care. i was proud of the fact i lost weight and did something about it and i really didn't care what people thought. another friend of mine told people she was just loosing weight and eating less food. to me, though, i had nothing to hide and like i said i really didn't care what people thought. good luck
melanie

bridgetgirl · 07-07-2004, 11:10 AM

I told my kids 6 and 9 that I was going to have surgery, I needed to explain to them why I was going to be away for 3 days. I told them I was going to have surgery on my tummy and they seemed okay with that response. I told my mom, sis and co workers knew because I needed alot of time off for all the freaking test and consults that we have to do. i didnt want to tell my Aunt because she is such a worry wort, but at the last minute I told her because i could never forgive myself if something happened to me and she would have had to hear it from someone else... good thing I told her because at the very last minute she wound up being my "buddy". I told people becuase thats what I was doing, I have nothing to hide. The kids are so empathetic.. you will be amazed out how they react towards you once they know.I felt like I had to tell those close to me, just in case something happened. I can tell you this... whatever is in your best interest, is the best interest of those around you. Make the decision based on how YOU feel. Good luck!

Midntsgirl · 07-07-2004, 03:29 PM

HELLO!! I told EVERYONE!!! I was fortunate at work because one of the people I work with had it done about 1 1/2 years ago and everyone at my corporate office knew what to expect. I told my parents, my brother, my sister, my aunt, my neighbor, and yes, I told my kids as well. I told them the absolute truth. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I told them that because of my weight I was an angry, unhappy, grumpy mommy and that I was going to have a surgery that was going to help me become happier, not so angry, and less grumpy. I told them that I would be in the hospital for a few days and that their Uncle would bring them to see me and that after I recovered they could come home. My youngest didn't know what the heck I was talking about and was just THRILLED that she'd be going to her Uncle's house. My oldest asked a few questions and I answered them after assuring her I was NOT going to bring home a baby brother for her. (the last time I went into the hospital for a surgery, I came home with her baby sister) My kids kind of forgot that I was gone. My youngest still asks to look at my "owies", but they don't go around telling their classmates. By all means, tell whomever you wish, or tell no one. It's YOUR decision. I'm very proud of the decision I made to have this done. I tell everyone! I would go on a roof top and yell if I wasn't afraid of heights! LOL Be proud of the decision you made to become a healthier person, a happier person, a better mom and wife...or not. It's all up to you. But WE all know...and we're proud of you!

Lynne J · 07-07-2004, 03:45 PM

Hi Nancy,

I've been in kind of the same boat. I didn't tell anyone but my best friend and 'buddy' until I had been approved and started testing. I've been telling friends and co-workers as it comes up, everyone has been very supportive. I still haven't told my family, they all live in Washington State. My plans, as of now, are to write a letter to everyone and mail it so they get it right before my surgery. It's a difficult decision to make. I have a lot of reasons for not telling my family, I don't want to worry them, and I'm not sure how they will react. Any truthfully, I don't want to deal with negativity right now, I need all the positive I can get. I love them dearly, but, to be honest, I am the youngest of 4, I have 3 brothers--3 tall, skinny brothers that have never had a weight problem in their life. Mom will just worry and Dad will NEVER understand, so I will basically give them a fait acompli (?). As to what other people will say, I'm to the point where I really don't care. Right now I have to worry about me, and what will work for me. I don't have kids or a husband to worry about and my dogs are all for it!!

Good luck and keep us informed.

Blueyz · 07-07-2004, 05:17 PM

I have been told by all of my supporters to stay with the positive! I have had a lot of negative people telling me things that make me very upset, one of them is my mom. She is so against it. I talked with a lot of my new forum friends and they helped me to understand that I am doing this for myself and no one else. Go with what you feel is right.

triciaknox · 07-08-2004, 07:20 AM

Hi!

No surgery date for me yet, I just finished (at least I pray that I just finished) the last of the tests yesterday. Have I told anyone what I am doing? YES. I am not telling everyone, not yet. I told my mom (she is against it), my sister (she is against it but envious at the same time), my son (he is for it), my best friend (he is for it too), my boss (they are against it cause I will be out of work for a little bit), and some of my friends from church (all of whom are for it and very supportive). I have also told some of my neighbors (we are like family) and they are supportive too. My remaining co-workers are in the dark, as are my ex-to be and my brothers and a few others. I am not ashamed of what I am doing. I want to be a "skinny winny" for a change (to use one of my mom's phrases) and nothing else has ever worked. Every time I do a diet I loose weight, then put more back on. I am hovering on the brink of major co-morbidities, it is amazing I don't have them yet. Just remember one thing, you are doing this for YOU, not for those other people, so who cares what they think? Not me!

Tricia
Anxiously ready in Escondido

Suzanne-photog4fun · 07-08-2004, 08:55 AM

Once I got the official referral (the hardest part when in an HMO), and was within about 6wks of a potenial surgery date, I told everyone at work. While my boss supported me, he wanted me to wait a few more months so that it wouldn't be such a burden on our office since it was during the busiest time of year. I said NO, that when the approval came in that I wanted it as soon as possible. He gave in. That was a new beginning for me, right then and there! I had stood up for myself without being a people pleaser. I also stated that I'd be taking 6 wks off even though it would be stressful for our office. Dr. Callery had said that I might feel well enough to go back at 4 wks but was entitled to 6 wks so I took it. This was the biggest event in my life and I was determined to give myself the best chance at success and to take care of ME, instead of the desires of everyone else. For once, I CAME FIRST!
When I was first jumping through the hoops to get a referral to see a bariatric surgeon, I told my parents & siblings (nervous but supportive except my Dad), and my best friend (not supportive at first, mostly due to fear). I didn't tell other extended family and friends until about 3 wks. before my surgery when I got the official insurance approval. They were shocked and didn't say much but were quite concerned at my taking such "drastic measures", that I "wasn't that fat". Most weren't thrilled with my decision and were afraid for me. Surprisingly, most of my family and friends read the information on bypass surgery that I emailed them and felt reassurance that this might be an okay thing for me to do. When I had my surgery over 2 1/2 yrs ago, there was still minimal knowledge by the public about gastric bypass.
There will always be some people who have disapproved of my decision to have this surgery. Some think that I took "the easy way out" and will NEVER understand what I went through and how hard that I still have to work to maintain my weight loss. I no longer feel any need to convince them!!!!! I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT IT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR ME BACK THEN AND 2 1/2 YRS. LATER I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE! I am so grateful.
But it is tough staying on track with eating healthy and exercising. When my food gets out of control I get very depressed and extremely fearful of my old pre-op life coming back. I was a miserable morbidly obese woman who never could accept herself fat and was quick to see the negatives in life. I am no longer that person. I have worked hard not only with the physical recovery but also mental health/emotional recovery. Morbid obesity, years of societal prejudice towards my appearance, was detrimental to my feelings of self worth. Little by little, I've become more healthy emotionally and my self-esteem has improved. I am less of a people pleaser than I use to be and consequently feel less resentments and less depression.
Anyway, it is a personal decision as to when and who to tell about your surgery decision. Personally, I vote for being honest with others after surgery even if you kept it a secret pre-op to acquaintances or co-workers. Think twice pre-op before disclosing what you're doing to very negative relatives. You might not want to expose yourself to their emotional badgering. Those who are negative about the proceedure are usually IGNORANT about its researched findings or are just plain terrified. Bottom line, it is up to you as to who you tell and when. As for telling young kids, keep it simple by telling them that you'll be gone for a few days in the hospital but that Daddy or Auntie will take care of you and that Mommy won't feel good for a little while after she gets home. Older kids around 8+ yrs. are capable of basic understanding of surgery. They need reassurance that you'll only be gone for a few days and that you'll be so much healthier as a result of this surgery but that you'll feel pretty lousy for a few weeks postop and need their help by letting you rest.
THIS SURGERY IS WORTH THE RISKS AND EMOTIONAL PRE-OP & POST-OP STRESS! Rarely have I heard of anyone who regreted their decision to have it done after a year postop. Some have "buyers remorse" for about 2-3 months postop. Although there are those who regain their weight by not making the life style changes necessary to maintain success. After all, this new stomach pouch is an important tool to maintaining weight loss, but it doesn't totally cure the desires or old behaviors around food. That's why it is imperative during those first 6-12 months of postop honeymoon to establish a new healthy lifestyle and relationship with food/activity including psychological help. I've had to learn new ways to cope with life's stressors/frustrations without turning to food for comfort. It remains quite tough at times, as old behaviors creep back in. One Day at a Time is the key for me. And, of course, my relationship with my loving God who guides me each day and provides strength to life each day sanely.

Country_Girl · 07-08-2004, 10:56 AM

Thank you all for your input. Your heartfelt answers and the willingness to expose your true feelings are incredible. I am printing out this thread and taking it with me to the hospital for my moral support! I still haven't decided exactly what to tell or not to tell but you all have made me realize that I am proud of my decision, this is definitely not the EASY way out, I have nothing to be ashamed of and I have a wonderful life waiting for me, that by being the weight I am, is just passing me by day by day. Thank you so very much!

Nancy

lealphachienne · 07-08-2004, 11:49 AM

As one of the "smallest" patients to have the surgery done, I was at first hesitant about letting people know. Of course my husband knew

I was initally a bit embarassed to say it out loud that I was unable to lose/keep of the weight on my own. When I was approved for the consult and surgery, then it made it real to me that I had a medical problem and that I shouldn't be ashamed.

I started telling people and was surprised that I had a lot more support than I thought I would have. A few people were negative (maybe they were jealous??) and said I didn't "look" fat enough to have surgery. I've come to actually enjoy teaching people about the benefits of surgery and that it's more than just about being fat.

Even at restuarants, I just tell the waitperson up front that I just had bypass surgery and can't eat much. Easier than to explain later why I left 3/4 of my plate uneaten or why I didn't order anything. Waitstaff get real nervous when there's leftover food and either want to bring out something else or even get the manager!