From:
RMHOFF@aol.com
To:
RMHOFF@aol.com
Subject: thought 8/21
Date: Sun, 5 Aug 2007 22:07:15 EDT
"We love because it's the only true adventure." Nikki Giovanni
Most of my lifetime I discounted myself. What I wanted of life and what I thought I deserved were two different things. All my life I wanted love and to be loved, but most of my life I never really thought I deserved it. This low self-esteem or poor self-image of myself was due to my inability to face my truths and deal with my inner feelings. I lived in a world of contradictions, denial, and darkness. I hid not only from others by isolating, but I hid from myself by not facing my fears. Keeping secrets and stuffing them down deep inside has caused me most of my insecurities and problems during my lifetime.
What I would do in relationships are to take them hostage by being over generous and devoting all my time with and for them. I thought this would help me with my loneliness. I didn't realize that a good relationship consisted of true communication and freedom to express our deepest feelings openly without fear, truly listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings, and work through all the frustrations that come with the differences two people have with one another.
I am learning that I have to be willing to do my part in all my relationships and I only have to do my part. I cannot do their part for them. I cannot force someone to love me or even like me. All I can do is my part and if that other person doesn't respond to the way I think or want them to, it's up to me to make the decision, with God's help and guidance as to what is the best thing needed for me to do next.
If a relationship isn't working I have to be able to let it go. I have been told that relationships are like a bus stop, another one will come along the way if I miss this one. If a relationship is not meant to be I have to be willing to accept that, keep doing the next right thing, and keep preparing myself for a relationship what will be better for me. Being the addict I am I must not use this as an excuse to quickly walk away from a relationship that becomes too hard. I must first work with the frustrations to the best of my ability and to do my part to try to be totally honest and sincere in that relationship. This is the adventure of being in a relationship and sharing my life with another in the most selfless way. I know with God as my guide it will become a reality.
"When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away." AA Big Book pg. 449
Peace, love, and recovery,
Bobby
thought for 8/21
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