Issues with the Wife, any answers? - ThinnerTimes

Omega · 08-15-2007, 07:04 AM

Hey all,

I am going in for the operation this friday and my wife is having abandonment issues. She feels that I am going to be "leaving her behind".

Of everyone who is here and married or has a significant other who is larger as well, after your surgery did that help them to lose weight, stay the same, or gain more weight??

I am feeling guilt over this and she is NOT trying to make me feel that way, we were just discussing our feelings (wow what a non-john wayne thing to say huh

) and this has come up a few times but thought she would feel different once the time got closer. And I am that we are expecting a baby in February is not helping her either, just looking for some helpful info for both of us.

Thanks!
J

Gina in NY · 08-15-2007, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omega

Hey all,

I am going in for the operation this friday and my wife is having abandonment issues. She feels that I am going to be "leaving her behind".

Of everyone who is here and married or has a significant other who is larger as well, after your surgery did that help them to lose weight, stay the same, or gain more weight??

I am feeling guilt over this and she is NOT trying to make me feel that way, we were just discussing our feelings (wow what a non-john wayne thing to say huh

) and this has come up a few times but thought she would feel different once the time got closer. And I am that we are expecting a baby in February is not helping her either, just looking for some helpful info for both of us.

Thanks!
J

Why are you having surgery? To be healthy and live a long life with her and your new baby. So that you can be strong and healthy and not a burden to her later in life - whatever your reasons. This is for her too!

My husband said the other day that I'm getting all gorgeous and would leave him for a younger man. I was so shocked - "Who do you think I'm trying to be more attractive for? Some man I dont' know or my husband of 15 years??" That helped him see that maybe this was about him too.

Also, I've spent 14 months with the whole family being focused on me - my gym time, my food etc. Now things are much more calm for me - I'd like to lose 24-28 more pounds, but I'm in no hurry. So I told my DH that this year is his to get in shape. He isn't quite big enough for RNY, though he could do the band, but he most likely won't.

The point is, my DH needs to be reminded all the time that I'm doing this, first of course for me, but also for our whole family. I've said it more than once, to be sure, but it has made things much easier.

After you wife has had the baby and thing settle down there, she may be ready to join you on your journey to health and fitness. It can't really happen at the same time with the baby on the way, but it can happen.

sliesnake · 08-15-2007, 07:44 AM

I had been looking at WLS since 2003, so I have had the opportunity to speak with several patients. Though, these were all women. One guy told me his marriage was the best it had ever been and they had been married for many years.
One woman told me she divorced her husband because he had made her fat.
The other 2 women felt more like WLS became their new birthdays and therefore they both needed new lives, without their SO's.
I know when I went for my psych evaluation, I was told I needed a stable and devoted group of family and friends for this to work out. I now realize why.
I would recommend couples counseling, because you really need your wife's complete understanding and support.

Toony · 08-15-2007, 07:46 AM

Congratulations on the baby-to-be! Good for you becoming a healthier dad for him/her!

I've been married for 36 years, and my DH expressed the same concerns... We've both been through hell and back with his medical issues... I told him I have way too much invested in him to leave now (or ever)!!! I'm not doing the surgery to go looking for men... I'm doing it for my own health and well-being.

I think it's a fairly normal reaction from our significant others... and she's probably hormonal on top of it!

Do lots of cuddling and "baby talking..." I'm betting you'll be fine.

Do keep us posted on your surgery! BEST WISHES!!!!

Toony

Miss Kitty · 08-15-2007, 07:52 AM

Totally normal for her to have those feelings! Especially with all those weird pregnancy hormones going on in her body. Keep talking with each other and keep touching. Invite her along to all your appointments and checkups and any support groups you go to. She needs to become a part of all this and show her that she's part of the "team". Best wishes for a fabulous surgery on Friday!

LyndasRoom · 08-15-2007, 08:55 AM

Everyone who has replied before me has great points. Just keep reassuring her that you love her...you are doing this for a healthier life with her and your baby to be...and that you will have healthier habits that will affect the entire family.
Best of Luck on Friday!

Omega · 08-15-2007, 10:37 AM

Thanks for the input all, I will put it good use!

taleci · 08-15-2007, 06:13 PM

DH had the surgery 18 months before I did and lost his weight sooooo fast. It is hard to be the one "left behind", but lucky for me, DH is great guy and made me feel beautiful every day, no matter what.

Squishy · 08-15-2007, 06:15 PM

I felt like I was leaving my wife behind when I started down the path. She had more co-morbidities and I felt she needed the help as much as I did. I started the research and talked to my doctor about it. She agreed that I was a good candidate.

I talked with her about my feelings about having the surgery instead of Jane. I felt a little guilty for some reason. The doctor said that it might be better to have the surgery before Jane so that she could see what she would be going through and so that I would be recovered enough to help her.

Jane came with me to the surgeon's group session and decided she was going to pursue the surgery too. In the end, she ended up having the surgery two weeks before me. Life takes interesting twists sometimes.

I think your wife's feelings are very normal. You need to reassure her that your feelings toward her will not change and that this will make you a healthier, more energetic husband and father. You will be able to help so much more with the baby.

Best wishes!
-Mike-

minime · 08-15-2007, 08:21 PM

If it was me, I would want to hear you say, "I'm not leaving you behind, I'm leading the way." "I will be there to support you with love, support, finances, whatever you need after you're through having children."...and mean it!

Plus, it's not like you won't be able to relate to her obesity issues after you lose weight. So many people here say that it takes a while if ever to lose the "mindset" of a fat person. As long as you remember from whence you came, I don't think she'll have a problem.

It all boils down to committment. If you are in a committed relationship now, you will be after. If you're not committed now, you may not be after the surgery. In my humble opinion.

Minime