How did your relationship change, post surgery? - ThinnerTimes

StelasMom · 07-05-2007, 01:04 PM

I have touched from time to time here about my spouse (Kate) and how she had gastric bypass a year ago March. I just had it in May of this year. She is different, any way you slice it. I understand why, you cant lose 1/2 your body weight, look fantastic and feel even more fantastic and stay the same emotionally and socially as when you were bogged down. I get it.

We have gone through so many changes since her surgery. A new, very anticipated baby (we had artificial insemination) all in the same year of her gastric bypass. SO, this change has brought wonderful things for her, and in turn, me. I have this sexy new wife and she is full of lots of fun energy, we are still crazy about eachother 8 years later.....things are more fun...shopping, outings, bedroom...

BUT, I am wondering how much I will change and if/when I do we will still relate as before. She is so much more social now, I always was even at 270 pounds....but it's not the "old familiar" and I have such a hard time with change.
How can two people go through this major life change and still stay the "same"?
Thankfully we have really good communication and talk about these changes...I just feel like we're the only one's going through it. This too, shall pass....I just keep thinking it. Sometimes I really miss my old BFF, food.
Thankfully meditation is helping, friends and family are helping, faith in the fact we will work out is helping....
It's so hard sitting in the middle of change.....
How do you feel about the bariatric post-op meetings? Good stuff? Stuff comparable to this issue?

Just a lot on my plate, and for once it isn't food. Wondering if anyone can relate, inspire or advise.

Thanks to you all.

LyndasRoom · 07-05-2007, 01:35 PM

Jina,
You are bound to go through many changes, physically of course, but emotionally too. It's great you have someone you can talk to about it that's gone through it too...and YES, support groups are very important. You are bound to feel changes in your head, and it's important to acknowledge them and work with Kate to make sure they are positive and bring good to your lives and relationship.

taleci · 07-05-2007, 01:56 PM

Dh and I had surgery in almost the same timespan you all did. He had it in January 2006 and I just had it May 29, 2007. For the most part it has been great, and while there have been a few thorns in my roses, most of that has been based upon my own insecurity for being so overweight.

DH looks great, feels great and even more, his life just seems to have blossomed after surgery. He got a new job that has been great both from a satisfaction standpoint and a financial one (a HUGE raise!). Life has been so different for both of us since his surgery. I never expected the staggering changes to occur that have. However, for my part, I have spent the last year feeling frustrated that he was going through this marvelous journey and I was left behind in my fat girl suit. I am so thankful that my time is finally here!
My biggest issue these days is that I DO feel the pressure to make my surgery just as life-changing as his was. In particular, he is really encouraging me to start my own business. He thinks I would be fantastic with it, but I am terrified that it won't work and I'll have to start from scratch up the corporate ladder again. I have absolutely no work-life balance where I am employed now, but I make great $$ and have great potential for advancement. I just don't have the nerves to head out on my own and I am angry with myself for not having the balls to just do it.
Otherwise our relationship is actually stronger since my surgery. He annoys me because he's always telling me I shouldn't do this or that

with my surgery, but that has been the worst of it. Plus I had complications he didn't have, ruptured stitches that left me on the sidelines for awhile and my period just won't stop. But he is still my biggest cheerleader and his support has been iinvaluable to me.
We've been together for 15 years, just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and share custody of his three nephews/nieces. We've been through a lot together, and we've always stood by each other. Our philosophy is that we made the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together, so we may as well make that time as happy as possible.
I don't hae a crystal ball, so I could never guarantee that we will make it until death do us part, however I treasure my husband and our marriage. I treat it with respect and so does he, so I think that we will have as good of a building block for "making it" as there could possibly be.

CandyGirl101 · 07-05-2007, 02:11 PM

In my opinion you will go through major changes but it is the bond that you share with your love one that will make you remember, that person was there for you when you were a hundred pounds over weight. So yes you will change but remember the grass is not always greener on the other side... temptations will always be there but it's not worth it!!!!

Claire-in-Texas · 07-05-2007, 03:26 PM

Jina, you don't stay the same. No relationship stays the same, whether it is paent and child, a couple, friends. Life moves forward, and so there is no status quo.

It is impossible for you to determine how you will change. But you will. And you will be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, a better everything. The reason? Because you will like YOU better. You think you like you now, and that you are a social person. You don't know you. None of us do who have this huge overlay of fat, which is chronic. If it weren't chronic, we wouldn't be on this forum!!!!

You will begin to see the beauty of YOU. And as your partner continues to bloom, each of you will see that beauty in each other.

Speaking for myself, my husband and I are closer than we EVER have been. He looks at me differently, he acts differently toward me. He was good before, now he is a blooming gorgeous tree for me, and for himself! I am 3 months post op, and 56 lbs lost (with 54 more to go). I can hardly wait to see what changes next!!!

You go, girl!

taleci · 07-05-2007, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Claire-in-Texas

Speaking for myself, my husband and I are closer than we EVER have been. He looks at me differently, he acts differently toward me. He was good before, now he is a blooming gorgeous tree for me, and for himself! I am 3 months post op, and 56 lbs lost (with 54 more to go). I can hardly wait to see what changes next!!!

Claire,
That is a beautiful sentiment!

Claire-in-Texas · 07-05-2007, 06:50 PM

Thank you, Taleci.

And my gosh, look at that weight loss!!! You go, girl!

Dyann · 07-05-2007, 06:53 PM

You will change. Embrace the changes. At least you know what to expect and have been on this ride once before. I think if the core of your relationship is good, the changes only make it better.

DH and I went through a rough patch as he couldn't understand some of the mental aspects (he has never had a weight problem and it isn't as simple as I was once big and now I am not). With that behind us and the "newness" of it all wearing off, we are better than ever. It is amazing the energy level.

Having a new baby in your home makes it even better (although my son said I am not as soft to sit on). We had friends come over with an 11 month old and I was playing and loving on him and I thought how wonderful it would have been to be more agile, energetic and able bodied when my kids were that young. (They were 3 and 4 when I had the surgery). You will be happier as a mom and spouse once you are happy with yourself and not feeling like a patient. Give it time, the pendulum is going to swing wide, but you will settle at a happy medium.

Squishy · 07-06-2007, 05:47 AM

It really seems that people gain a lot of self-confidence as they go through the changes following WLS. That can feel a little threatening to others. The key is to remember that you are committed to each other and don't become insecure because of your partner's growing self-confidence. (Or vice-versa)

That new self-confidence will draw you together if you don't allow new insecurities to to drive you apart. The new experiences you will have together will build a new, stronger foundation for the relationship and that will build an even stronger emotional foundation for your new baby.

Our children are grown and in college, but since we had the surgery, they have both been losing weight too. I think they are drawing some strength from us. This is strength (in relation to food) that we never had to give before.

It sounds like you have the most important part in place already. It sounds like you have excellent communication. That will carry you through any rough spots.

Congratulations on your amazing life-changes! WLS for 2. New baby. How exciting!!!

Best wishes!!
-Mike-

sdgrrl · 07-06-2007, 09:04 AM

Jina,
I am happy to tell you that my partner and I (4 years together) have never had any of the issues with regard to our relationship that have hurt some of the others on this board. She is overweight, but not as bad as I was. I am 12 years her senior, so she has had to assume lots of the physical stuff that I am no longer capable of doing due to back problems and complications from the surgery. Other than that, our love is stronger, deeper, more meaningful from the fact that I nearly died, and she calls me her "Trophy Wife" and is my biggest fan. She loves me in all the ways that our sisters on this board have wished for themselves, and I wish I could give them the magic formula to enable them to have it in their lives. I was with a husband for 17 years and another woman for 14, and while we always remained friends, Michelle is the woman I want to grow old with. Her love is so deep and complete that she helps me be a better person every single day as I strive to be worthy of such love. It doesn't always have to be hard to love someone. I know how many folks have lost their spouses due to one or the other not being able to deal with the changes, but a lot of people on this board have also found new love, love on their terms, with no "settling" because they feel unworthy in some way.

Gina in NY put it so well, that despite our best intentions and actions, things change, we change. Some will be hurt in those changes, some will emerge stronger and wiser. We all have change to assimilate, but it's not always a bad thing. Just like your baby--they change every single day as they learn and grow, and it isn't always something to be feared.

Those of us who have a strong copilot on this magic carpet ride are blessed, others find strength in other ways and are likewise blessed. Life is full of changes whether we weigh 150 or 300--without change there is no growth. Without growth there is no ability to sway with the winds and flex when it's needed. I do believe we all learn about ourselves on a primal level, things that we formerly needed our size in order to protect us or nurture us. Sometimes those around us aren't up for the work--they are the ones who get left behind. Change is not a choice we get to make. This life stuff is multi layered and never takes a vacation! All we can do is hang on and make the best decisions we can each day.

I feel like I'm just rambling, but I hope I have been able to communicate a little.