Is this me??? - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

Hunnyblonde · 05-28-2007, 09:25 PM

As you can see, you're not alone--not by a long shot! I too do a double-take of my avatar when I see it and that was a couple of months and 15lbs ago. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm average size now. That people aren't looking at me because I'm fat. Dunno why they are looking though, so I have to go check for boogers.

Anyway, don't keep those clothes!! The greatest thing about our support groups is that you get to give away your old clothes and get new ones in smaller sizes!!

xoxo's Trina!

gassiegma · 05-28-2007, 09:44 PM

Well..I think I'm in denial! In my mind I don't think of myself as fat or see myself as fat in dreams...I just don't notice my size in the dreams! But yet I don't like having my picture taken and will avoid the camera as much as possible cause I know when I see the picture I'll groan about how big I am!

I've been like this (denial) for as long as I can remember but only had a few skinny years until I turned 4 or 5...so I'm thinking it's going to be hard for me to recognize myself also!

paige52 · 05-28-2007, 09:58 PM

I pul a size 8 off the rack look at it and think I'll never fit in something this small and my size 16 that are still hanging around look "normal" to me....

funny thing is that size 8 that I continue to buy are too big for me... i wear a size 6 now.

When I look at my body i think look at how fat i am, the wierd thing is when i was fat I thought "you know I don't look to fat, I still have a waist"... what a joker I was!

The other day my husband was looking at photo's from about 6 months before surgery and he said... "you look like that actress honey.. you know gwneth Paltrow in that movie with Jack Black." I said honey you really think I look like gwenth... he said yeah look you look like you're wearing a fat suit like she did for the movie in this picture.... I wanted to hit him on the head!

He was trying to compliment me the point being that I look so different now than I did then but wow what a back handed compliment! Good thing I know and love him so well...

readyforit · 05-28-2007, 10:48 PM

What a great post, Trina.
The part about your son trying to make you see yourself was too cool.
I saw a photo of a co worker about 2 weeks ago and wondered who the other person was. It was me! It is strange at times.

Crazy is as crazy does . . .oh, wait . . . never mind!

Dyann · 05-29-2007, 04:42 AM

Trina,

I have a question. When you look at your current photo you don't know it is you, but what happens when you look at a pre op photo?? How do you feel?? Do you still see that person as you?? At about 10 months I didn't identify with the old person or new person. This is when the head games started for me. You do get aquainted with the new you over time.

AlabamaChick · 05-29-2007, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dyann

Trina,

I have a question. When you look at your current photo you don't know it is you, but what happens when you look at a pre op photo?? How do you feel?? Do you still see that person as you?? At about 10 months I didn't identify with the old person or new person. This is when the head games started for me. You do get aquainted with the new you over time.

That's a VERY good question Dyann.... here goes nothing.... I'm right at a year out and here is how I feel. I look at the before pic and I feel inside like I have that person's heart and feelings still and the pain is still there from the obesity, (oh how that pain is still here) as if I am still looked at by people the way I was then or that I feel ashamed inside because of how I look or maybe that I'm not good enough...but yet I don't actually physically feel like that person on the outside. She was in such bad shape and so close to not being on this earth anymore because of the physical part. (I feel really bigtime "sad" inside for her.) I do know now I have years left to live. But what is odd is at the same time, I don't see myself as this new person at all. I can't find anything associated with her that is me. Do you understand? I feel stuck in the middle as if I don't know what I am. I am trying....and it's almost like it's a huge silent hope that I "AM" her, but I'm afraid to "BE" her because I feel like she's not real and if I act like her then she will disappear. Do you think I am trying to make the transition and that's why I don't fully relate to the before person, but afraid to relate to the new one? I actually feel lost right now and don't know which way to go. All days are not like this. I have some really good days and feel really good about myself (even though I don't feel I am the person in the new pics) and feel like it's finally possible that I will become "normal" again one day, but then there are days that I don't feel I will ever see my dream become a reality. Maybe when the day comes that I KNOW for sure everyday my dream will come true then I will start to be that person in my picture. It's good to know that this is just another phase of our journey that we all go through. I feel like so many times I throw up a safety net (just in case) so I don't get hurt like I have before from being obese. As an obese person, we all had to throw up safety nets and not hope or dream for anything because everyone always looked at us as failures and we had to have a way to cope with our falls and come out of them okay. I just wish I knew how to get rid of that safety net sometimes or realize I don't need it anymore quite as often.

This so much reminds me of how I had to deal with being in a relationship after my ex hurt me so bad. He was unfaithful to me during our marriage and is married to this woman now and he was my life (even though he was such an emotional abuser) and I didn't know how to be alone, as I had spent half of my life with this man. After our divorce, I couldn't let myself trust anyone ever again because of all the pain from trusting before. It took me years to let down that guard with James and just accept he loves me and I it's okay to love him back with my whole heart. In a way, I feel like I'm in this situation again where I am afraid to trust or believe in something that would be a wonderful thing "if it were true". But this time, I don't know who I don't trust.........maybe myself? Maybe I am afraid I will let myself become that fat person again or maybe that I'm dreaming all of this and if I believe it then I will wake up and it will not be true and I will have to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together again.

Gosh, I'm rambling here. See what you pulled outta me Dyann? Wow, I just got alot off my chest. But I feel we should talk about these thing so we can help each other deal with these feelings. I would love to hear how all of you feel and are dealing with these emotions because I'm at the end of the road and never seen this stop sign before and don't know which way to turn, left or right. I know that alot of you are feeling the same feelings about not knowing or recognizing the new person, but are you "afraid" to hope you are that person?

Sorry this was so long..... Thanks for caring enough to read it.

rainrain · 05-29-2007, 07:38 AM

2 and half years post op and I still pick out clothes too big and double take in the mirror!!

LisaM · 05-29-2007, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlabamaChick

Sorry this was so long..... Thanks for caring enough to read it.

De nada--reading is easy, responding can be hard. I think what we're all beginning to find is that we're finding our own answers to the hard questions... and the hardest question to answer for most of us is "Can I trust the weight loss?" We've all lost and regained dozens, sometimes hundreds of times. The scale has been the enemy for so long, we don't know how to make a friend of it.

I think it's an individual trip, but we have each other's shoulders to lean on, many hands extended to us if we fall, and many arms around us to keep us safe. Like a baby taking its first steps, we may not be able to see the presence supporting us, but feeling safe when our steps are wobbly makes all the difference.

mauldinmama · 05-29-2007, 08:49 AM

OH Trina,

YOU look so beautiful! After a lifetime of struggling with weight issues I think what your feeling is normal...but YOUR son and family is so supportive and I think it's going to take time and reliving all the things you write you do now.

Just think about how hugs feel, remember when you bought your jeans, planted your flowers mowed your grass!!!!!! That was YOU>>>>>>this isn't an imposter it IS you....and in time YOUR mind will catch up...Just love Trina it's okay!

SDeRossett · 05-29-2007, 09:28 AM

I'm almost 5 years out and I still look at my reflection in the glass of buildings as I walk in front of them. I still have a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror. My husband reassures me that I am not that person anymore. He tells me often that your just a tiny woman now. I still ask if I'm hurting his leg when I set on his lap. Did it just last night. So, I don't know how long it takes, I guess it is an individual adjustment. I think we all understand where you're coming from. Hugs!

Sharon