I dont know what to do!!!! - ThinnerTimes

Fat Free · 02-12-2007, 11:15 AM

I had my gastric bypass almost 3 months ago. I have lost 70 pounds and now look like a completley different person. My problem is my husband. For the past few weeks he has says he feels like I am fooling around on him. I can say with complete honesty I have NOT. When I ask him why he feels this way he says because I say I am going to the store to get a few things and I am gone for an hour. Or I get up in the middle of the night to read and he suggest I am doing who knows what. I dont sleep well our youngest daughter died almost two years ago and sleep has not been the same since so I get up and go down stairs and read. He says it bothers him if he wakes up and I am not in the bed. The ultimate stab in my gut was this past week. We work at the same company and went out of town for a sales confrence. My husband is a manager and I am a sales rep. He had a meeting the 1st day we got there, I did not so I hung out in our room. I slept till about 9am got up watched tv finally got dressed and went down to lunch and came back to the room and changed to my jammies and waited for him to come back. a few nights later he noticed a "stain" on the comforter and accuses me of having someone else in our room. I am floored that he would think that of me. I am so hurt I do not know what to say.

The next thing was we had casino night and we had some drinks. I know no liquor but I was having a good time and was real good with my food. anyway he talking to some people and I am dancing with people and he tells me later that people were telling him "dont you think your wife is having to good of a time". I feel like I am a fun person, I do not feel like I should have to be a wall flower I never have. I have always been the life of the party so I dont know why I should have to be different.

The final of a very long week was the formal night. we got all dressed up, me in my long poffy strapless dress and my hubby in his tux. we go to the awards dinner eat drink and have a good time. My boss won manager of the year so our team went to the bar and had a couple of shots. At this point it is aboout 10pm. My husband says to me he is going back to the room. I told him I would be up in a little while of course the next day he all pissed at me saying people were asking him if I was ok and saying I was acting really wild.

I do not know what to do. I feel like everything I do is being critisized and watched and I dont like it. He 's now saying he does not think this is going to work out. We have been married 10 years, we have 5 kids. To top it all off my dad is dying of cancer and we are at the last leg of it. He was only diagnosed on the 5th of January. I feel like I dont have enough time for my kids. I am so stressed and scared I can not stop crying and feel like I am losing it. Any advise please.

lealphachienne · 02-12-2007, 11:53 AM

Do you have a conselor to see? Is hopsice involved with your dad? Perhaps you can talk to the hospice chaplain or social worker. Perhaps a pastor at church? You and your hsudband need a safe place to express youselves to find out what the real issues are.

Gina · 02-12-2007, 01:07 PM

One thing to remember in all of this... this is NOT your doing. HE is having insecurity issues.

This happens in a lot of relationships where one of the spouses losing a lot of weight. In their minds they secretly think that we will not like them or love them anymore.

Sad but true that some men and women like having a fat spouse because it is "less work" In other words they sit back and think their spouse isnt going anywhere because they are fat and cant find anyone better. So now that you have lost weight the fear and insecurity comes into play.

Rather than admiting it, he accuses you of bad behavior. Confront him on it, and reassure him that you still love him

Duckie · 02-12-2007, 03:01 PM

I agree Gina. He sounds insecure. I would also suggest marriage counselling.

Gina in NY · 02-12-2007, 03:23 PM

You poor thing. That is too much on one plate.

The hospice thing is very helpful for dealing with your dad - those people are angels on earth and you should use all the help you can get.

Counceling - would your husband do it? If he is speaking out of insecurity, I would think that you can save your marriage. If he really doesn't trust you, you've got a problem.

Is your husband overweight? Does he just need you to adore him or something simple, or do you suspect a deeper problem. Could you ask him to not bring this up until you've dealt with your father? Do you have a cell phone? Tell him to call you anytime - you have nothing to hide!

Speaking as someone whose husband is not dealing well with the changes that come after GBP, I hear you. It is SO DAMN HARD to deal with them and with all your other stress and 5 kids, oy...

If you can't get him to do couples therapy with you, maybe you could at least get in to see someone on your own.

You should know, none of this is your fault, but that doesn't mean you can't do something to make it a bit better. Maybe ask him "What would I need to do to prove to you that I am faithful" and see what he says. He may ask for something very specific - but a councelor could really help you with this stuff.

Good luck you poor dear and I'll say a prayer for your father.

Fat Free · 02-12-2007, 03:29 PM

Thanks to all. I have made an appointment with the Dr who did my psych test to pass me for GBS. I will see him tomorrow morning. Its just allot going on at one time. My dad is in hospice at home so we are taking turns helping out. Now this craziness with my husband. I am happy I lost weight and I will continue to lose more weight. I will not apologize for that. I would think he would be happy to have people think his wife is hot not think I want to jump ever ones bones. Thanks for reading my LONG post and all the advise. Oh one last thought and answers to some questions. Yes my husband is over weight but he plans to do the surgery soon. My husband doesnt need to call he can walk to the other end of the building and see me! We work at the same company for crying out loud. I am not sure what he thinks I accomplish at the store in less than 1 hour and find time to fool around but it is insane. I do not want to live like I am micromanaged. Like I am being followed around and watched, stressed about how long I am gone because he might think I am doing something wrong. I can not do that. But I am also scared. I have invested 10 years and have 5 kids. UHHHHH. My husband will NOT go to marriage counseling. He feels like "if you have to work at it that hard something is to wrong". Thanks guys

Fat Free · 02-12-2007, 03:37 PM

Opps I posted to many times sorry!

Alleusion · 02-12-2007, 07:46 PM

Alexandria, I feel for you, really I do. My husband became jealous and resentful when my weight finally dropped below his. After basically ignoring me unless I was putting out, he became abusive physically and emotionally. We too were married 10 years and are on the last few months waiting period before our divorce is final.

Suggest counseling. If he's interested in saving the marriage he'll go for it. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

lealphachienne · 02-13-2007, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fat Free

My husband will NOT go to marriage counseling. He feels like "if you have to work at it that hard something is to wrong". Thanks guys

Hmmm....if he plans on having WLS too...does he think it's a walk in the park? The best things in life takes a lot of work.

Was your marriage okay before? Ha there been changes in your marriage? I was married 12 years...my ex and I both had surgery...it's not easy. It takes two to make a relationship work.

Bella · 02-13-2007, 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fat Free

Thanks to all. I have made an appointment with the Dr who did my psych test to pass me for GBS. I will see him tomorrow morning. Its just allot going on at one time. My dad is in hospice at home so we are taking turns helping out. Now this craziness with my husband. I am happy I lost weight and I will continue to lose more weight. I will not apologize for that. I would think he would be happy to have people think his wife is hot not think I want to jump ever ones bones. Thanks for reading my LONG post and all the advise. Oh one last thought and answers to some questions. Yes my husband is over weight but he plans to do the surgery soon. My husband doesnt need to call he can walk to the other end of the building and see me! We work at the same company for crying out loud. I am not sure what he thinks I accomplish at the store in less than 1 hour and find time to fool around but it is insane. I do not want to live like I am micromanaged. Like I am being followed around and watched, stressed about how long I am gone because he might think I am doing something wrong. I can not do that. But I am also scared. I have invested 10 years and have 5 kids. UHHHHH. My husband will NOT go to marriage counseling. He feels like "if you have to work at it that hard something is to wrong". Thanks guys

You know what I think?

I think he's projecting his fears on to you. I think he is looking forward to his own surgery and losing the weight because he would like to attract other women.

Since you are getting there first .. he's imagining that you are doing the exact thing he want's to do. Maybe he is using this as an excuse to distance himself from you so ... he can have an 'easy out' eventually.

I say this because what's he's paranoid about seems truly unreasonable.

Of course, I don't know your marriage ... these are just my thoughts ...