Losing Friends - ThinnerTimes

Blaqfyah · 02-06-2007, 02:49 PM

So I had a friend who had this procedure done last May. And at first she didn't tell anyone she was thinking about it. But slowly as she was losing weight she started to tell some of her closest friends. And being the females that were are of course there was some negative talk to go along with the positive. So having been on both sides of the conversation, I am very nervous about telling these same friends that I will be having the same surgery in 13 days.

What I have come to realize is that we are basically the biggest of the girls in this group (there another but she's against this surgery). And we have always played a certain "role" in this friendship. And I can honestly say I have allowed myself to play this role--the "big" friend/sister- in my friendships and in my family.

I can now really see why my friend decided to keep this surgery a secret. And a part of me wants to do the same thing.

I think that it will really be interesting to see how my friends and families will react to the soon to be new me.

I am not going to lie. I am really excited to see her also. I can't wait to meet the skinny me/the fashionable me/the pretty me/the sexy me. The closer I get to the surgery the worse my self esteme gets. I pretty much have put my life on hold these past 3 months. And its because I am waiting for the new me to emerge.

But I guess I am worried about alienating my friends the way that my friend did. I now know that it was not purposeful. She was on a totally different journey and none of us could go with her. And now that I am starting my own journey...I am scared.

And this is not to bash my friends. They are beyond wonderful. There issue with the my friend is that she chose to keep a secret and lie about it. She said that she lost the weight by diet and exercise. But yet very few of her habits changed and she didn't go to the gym.

Sorry for the long post.

CeeCee · 02-06-2007, 03:34 PM

1st thing that comes to mind- I've told everyone! Silly, but I feel like I'm doing a public service.
2nd thing that comes to mind- I do expect to be treated a bit differently. I'll be different! You can't lose a whole person or two worth of weight and not be a different person at some level. I expect to be treated differently, but not worse! If they treat me worse- well, they're not true friends!
3rd thing that comes to mind- if your friend has not changed her habits, and she's not execising, she will not be as successful at this. That much I've learned from this forum!
Hey- good luck on your journey- we need to add you to the February Staplers list!

Bella · 02-06-2007, 04:13 PM

Well, I have 2 friends that had WLS and watched 'the girls' talk about them like a dog.

Nope - not gonna happen to me.

I've only told a handful of close friends - no one else has a clue and they won't be having a clue.

If anyone asks .. I will tell the truth - I'm eating MUCH smaller portions, drinking 1 to 2 liters of water a day and .. I'm exercsiing 6 days a week.

These things are absolutely true (well, I'm still healing just now) .. but will be exercising like the devil as I really want to avoid the sagging skin.)

If I were you, I'd just tell the girls you're closest to and you know won't repeat it.

Yes, you will lose friends (girlfriends) when you lose weight ... but they were never your friends to begin with.

desmccoy · 02-06-2007, 04:42 PM

I can't say I know how you feel. My friends all think its wonderful that I want to better myself. Althougfh some of my church friends don't agree with it but its not going to stop me by any means. I just tell them hey this is body and I need to do what I can to survivor. To see my girls grow up. TRUE friends will support you no matter what.

Duckie · 02-06-2007, 09:59 PM

You do what is right for you! Tell them when you are ready hon. Take care of you and if you lose friends, they weren't really friends in teh first place.

momto4 · 02-07-2007, 07:07 AM

I was really hesitant to tell my friends about the surgery ~ i did not want them to think I was a failure did not want to hear all the comments ~ could not lose the weight so you take the easy way out etc ~ BUT ~ once I decided to tell them ~ I was shamed that i underestimated them ~ they were all supportive, happy and proud that I was taking control of the situation...happy that I would soon be healthy again... they were GREAT! After my surgery ~ I suddenly felt liberated ~ I will tell anyone who inquires ~ and I am proud to tell them that I took charge and gained control of my weight, and my LIFE again... while i agree the WLS is not the best choice for everyone ~ it was definitely for me! and I tell them just that

Share what you feel comforatable sharing ~ no more ~no less ~ just remember that your decision is what is best for yoU~ and if they do not see that ~ shame on them...

kevinwholder · 02-07-2007, 10:35 AM

I am going to have surgery on 3/15/7 and going through this as well. So far I have been very reserved as to whom I have told about my upcoming "plans".

I have been considering this for quite some time and the one person in my family that I did not want to tell was my mother. I thought she would be totally against it. However, back in Oct 06, my mom underwent quadruple cardiac bypass surgery due to sever aterial blockages. She has always known I have a weight problem but she would only push a diet and never even talked about surgery. After seeing her in the CVICU after her heart surgey i knew damn well that I did not want to be in her shoes in the upcoming years. Therefore, I made the decision then and ther to take action.

I actually sat down and talked to my mom during Christmas vacation and told her my plans and she simply started crying. She told me how proud she was of me and apologized for not talking about it earlier. She simply did not understand. Apparently we both had an eye opening moment huh?

My mom is a talker and everyone in my immediate family now knows what I am doing and I cannot begin to tell you how much support I have gotten. Sure, there are a few negative nancies in the crowd but they are overidden by the positive ones.

As for friends, those I have told are supportive, yet concerned and I expect nothing less from them. Several of my friends and family memebrs have actually asked me what all is involved in the process and apparently have also been considering it..

rivercanyon · 02-07-2007, 11:39 AM

I too am actually dealing with the dilemma of who do I tell and who do I not tell. I have told a couple of close friends who have been very supportive of my decision to have surgery. One of those friends has intiated the process now to have surgery herself.

There are other friends who I have chosen not to tell about the surgery. I don't need the added stress of having to deal with their negative reactions.

The only family that knows of my decision is my husband. We know at some point that an explanation will be needed but have chosen to cross that bridge when we get there. Again I don't need the added stress of dealing with my family's opinions at the time.

Maybe I am wrong in chosing to deal with the situation in this way but it is something I am at peace with and that is what matters. It is a very personal decision in my opinion.

Grnize · 02-07-2007, 12:58 PM

I had the same issue and I am still going thru it. I have girlfriends that I now know only kept me around because I was the fat girl in the group. One in particular keeps telling me to stop losing weight or I cant be smaller than her. Well I have kicked her to the crub... You are going to really find out who is a real real friend now. Part of me wish I would have kept it a secert but you need support so seek it with the friend that had the surgey. You two should be like peas and carrots going forward. I found a support with my niece Keisha.. She has been my ride and die partner since the weight has fallen off. She is so darn supportive that it gets me thru.
Hang in there and pls keep in touch.

LindseyC · 02-08-2007, 11:59 AM

All I have to say is that when I told my closest friends they supported me and then left me hanging a few months after the fact. It really just shows who your true friends are and trust me, if they walk away from you, it's going to be for the best for both of you. You really don't want someone holding you back, this is for YOU not them. They really don't matter and if they are good friends and just can't handle it at first, they'll come back around.