Some questions for everyone... - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

desmccoy · 01-16-2007, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyesthatkissu

Let's talk about the why's of why for so long we felt unworthy... why did our health become unimportant... and why now is it suddenly worth it?

How did my life become unworthy. Maybe is was the abuse I indured as a child. I ate to get fat because if I was fat my abuser wouldn't think I was pretty and wouldn't abuse me any more. I was told I was no good for nothing and that I would never amount to anything. I heard it from Boys all the time your a great friend but To "fat" to be a girlfriend. Why am I worth it know..... because I have children that are worth a mom that loves them and that can show them that life is worth living. That losing weight is worth it all. That your health should come above everything else. That no matter what anybody else thinks your beautiful in my eyes as well as Gods eyes. My life has changed so much since that time. I found and married a wonderful man. Who I adore. I am know able to speak to teenagers about self image because thats what I dealt with growing up. Now because I met wonderful friends here who understand it makes my journey a whole lot easier to indure.

forsythia · 01-16-2007, 03:41 PM

I had this surgery because I wanted to be free.

I wanted to be free of the hold food had over my life. I wanted to be free of the hold fear had on my life. I wanted to be free of the limitations I placed on myself as the "fat one".

I don't count protein or water or obsess about what I eat anymore. That's fine for some of you. I had this surgery to be free of the way food ruled my life. I didn't have drastic surgery to just be on a "different" kind of diet for the rest of my life. I eat normal food in small amounts. My doctor says I'm healthy. I use my scale and clothes to make sure I'm not gaining my weight back. If my methods mean I didn't lose as much weight as possible and I stay a size 12 instead of a 6 - that's okay with me. I've never been happier in my entire life.

I had surgery to *get* a life. Not for surgery to become my life.

NewMel06 · 01-16-2007, 03:46 PM

I am so worth it! I decided to have surgery at first for others too. In getting to know myself through this process, I have found I am a good person, with a kind heart. I will give anyone anything if I have it to give. I found out that I am a person worth knowing and loving. I kept people away with my fat. Not that it was their fault, but I let it be a barrier. In releasing my fat, I stand out there, ready to interract with people. The question I can't answer, is why, why did I do it to myself before? ( get fat) and even more importantly, why did it take me so long to go through with the surgery. I love this person so much more, just wish I would have let her out sooner! Wow do I feel vain now!!!

sdgrrl · 01-16-2007, 04:40 PM

I had this surgery because I injured my back so bad I can no longer work, and the weight came piling on due to not being able to be as active as I used to be. I thought that if I took 100 lbs off my poor back I would have a better quality of life and maybe not have pain 24/7.

Unfortunately for me, it appears I made a poor choice. I have had pretty much every complication in the book, I have lost way too much weight, and have had some real ugly stuff to wade through. Small bowel obstruction (surgery), small bowel perforation (more surgery) peritonitis, 4 unit GI bleed, and the most recent fun time was the grand mal seizure I had at a doctor's office last week because my antidepressant dose is too high for my body's size.

Now I can't drive until a neurologist does an EEG on me and determines if I'm likely to ever do this again.

I am sick of the problems, I am sick of the idea that even with all the complications and problems that this was a good idea, better to be thin and have seizures than to be overweight and in reasonable health. I have to say I'm pretty sorry I had the surgery, now my life is ruled by a wide spot in my esophagus, and my back still hurts. I don't think I can honestly recommend people have this surgery. Maybe peeps just need to think beyond the size stuff and contemplate if the surgery is really what is needed or if other life changes should be made instead.

My fear is that I've signed my death certificate and it's just taking awhile to die. My body isn't working right, I am having problem after problem--I was in better shape at 232 lbs! Yeah, it's "great" to wear a size 2--I'll have a really good looking corpse. Oh yeah, my depression is actually worse than it was when I was fat, and now I can't even take my Welbutrin to help my head.

I don't think I would have listened to anyone saying these things before the surgery, and I don't have expectations that anyone would listen now, but if you haven't had the surgery yet, THINK REALLY HARD to determine if it's what you want, even if you're sure. It can bring it's own demons with it, and those demons just get piled on top of existing demons.

I don't feel like I am capable of rational expression, and for that I apoogize. It's just freakin scary as hell to be in such bad health, and to know I brought it on myself makes me sad. I miss strong, capable Donna.

Gina in NY · 01-16-2007, 05:22 PM

I did not have many confidence issues (after the 7 years of therapy with the most brillian therapist ever!) - I came here from the "Living large" mentality. My cry was - "Here I am - Love me the way I am or you suck." I judged others as shallow if they couldn't appreciate me and I truly believed they didn't deserve me. (I still do) I was on top! My work is on stage, in front of people. I have charisma and I ooze confidence. I'm actually totally egotistical about my abilities. The things I have done on stage - you wouldn't believe. I have posed for life drawing classes - and they loved me! Of course they did!

But - you don't get to 288 when you're 5' 2" if there is nothing wrong. My life outside the house has always been exciting and rewarding. But I learned long ago that the way to get attention from my family (parents) is to be fat - then you're the center of attention. People will give you money to try the latest diet - there is no end to the discussions. People actually call you to tell you about new diets - it is a great attention getter. Success? - no one even listens.

There are ways that being heavy served me. I rarely had to worry about innappropriate attention from other men or my students (heaven help me) and I have WAY too much engery. I seem like I drink gallons of coffee and I do NO caffeine or sugar at all. This energy has to go somewhere and that is what I am learning now - where to put all this energy. It was easier to sit and be exhausted just breathing than to negotiate baby sitters, drive all over the place, keep up a social calendar. It was also easy on my marriage - not much happened - we were both too heavy to do much.

I had this surgery for my health - completely. My dad was diagnosed with diabetes at 41, I'm 38. I had gestational diabetes and having seen my dad in diabetic shock - I knew this was the way to go.

Losing the weight is forcing me to become more fully who I am. I feared my personal power - I feared my strength. I feared my ability to succeed at every darn thing I try - but here I am succeeding again. I even feared my ego - which I always thought I loved - but that was when I had 140 extra pounds holding it down.

I can't say that I know where I'm going, but I know that to accept myself completely, I have to allow myself to be stunningly beautiful, attractive, charismatic, energetic and athletic. I have to develop the skills I need to live that way - and deal with the attention, but that is better than stuffing myself and holding myself back.

I have a theory that many of us use food to hold ourselves back from our own greatness. Maybe we feel unworthy of love, but I wonder if that is only part of the problem. Do we really fear our own greatness? Do we really fear being amazing and beautiful and successful?

Being amazing and great is scary - being pathetic and less than who you are - there is something so safe in that, isn't there? Curl up in a corner and no one notices you. Isnt' easier to be negative in this society than to be positive? Don't people say rude things to people who are happy all time - as if they are the one with the problem?

I'm not saying I have any anwers, but each day, each pound, I feel the success and I feel the fear of my own greatness. I am amazing - and so are all of you. If we can ever accept greatness in ourselves, I can't imagine what mountains we could move on this earth.

Zenomia · 01-16-2007, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdgrrl

I don't feel like I am capable of rational expression, and for that I apoogize. It's just freakin scary as hell to be in such bad health, and to know I brought it on myself makes me sad. I miss strong, capable Donna.

I hear the pain, frustration, and misery all tied up in this post Donna, but I also hear that STRONG undercurrent of your Personality squeaking through. Your road has not been a kind one, and for that we are all misserable for you!! I hurt that you hurt, and if I could take on some of your pain and frustration know that I would. I know I can't make things better for you, I can't even get the right words out to express the worry your post gives me...Just know I care, and that in addition to all that uglieness...you have found a FRIEND that Cares about you for YOU....who you would NOT have met if you hadn't found your way here!! (Trying for a sliver of the silver....)

Zenomia · 01-16-2007, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina in NY

I'm not saying I have any anwers, but each day, each pound, I feel the success and I feel the fear of my own greatness. I am amazing - and so are all of you. If we can ever accept greatness in ourselves, I can't imagine what mountains we could move on this earth.

Have you considered a second career as a Motivational Speaker? Sheese...Here I am struggling let go of my fat girl, and I think you climbed up yours and jumped off her head on the way out the door!!

Your insight amazes me and I think there is truth in your words. Thank YOU!!

eyesthatkissu · 01-16-2007, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by desmccoy

How did my life become unworthy. Maybe is was the abuse I indured as a child. I ate to get fat because if I was fat my abuser wouldn't think I was pretty and wouldn't abuse me any more. I was told I was no good for nothing and that I would never amount to anything. I heard it from Boys all the time your a great friend but To "fat" to be a girlfriend. Why am I worth it know..... because I have children that are worth a mom that loves them and that can show them that life is worth living. That losing weight is worth it all. That your health should come above everything else. That no matter what anybody else thinks your beautiful in my eyes as well as Gods eyes. My life has changed so much since that time. I found and married a wonderful man. Who I adore. I am know able to speak to teenagers about self image because thats what I dealt with growing up. Now because I met wonderful friends here who understand it makes my journey a whole lot easier to indure.

What a fabulous post! And it echoes so many of the stories here. ANd you are using your journey to help others, that is TRUE success!

eyesthatkissu · 01-16-2007, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdgrrl

I had this surgery because I injured my back so bad I can no longer work, and the weight came piling on due to not being able to be as active as I used to be. I thought that if I took 100 lbs off my poor back I would have a better quality of life and maybe not have pain 24/7.

Unfortunately for me, it appears I made a poor choice. I have had pretty much every complication in the book, I have lost way too much weight, and have had some real ugly stuff to wade through. Small bowel obstruction (surgery), small bowel perforation (more surgery) peritonitis, 4 unit GI bleed, and the most recent fun time was the grand mal seizure I had at a doctor's office last week because my antidepressant dose is too high for my body's size.

Now I can't drive until a neurologist does an EEG on me and determines if I'm likely to ever do this again.

I am sick of the problems, I am sick of the idea that even with all the complications and problems that this was a good idea, better to be thin and have seizures than to be overweight and in reasonable health. I have to say I'm pretty sorry I had the surgery, now my life is ruled by a wide spot in my esophagus, and my back still hurts. I don't think I can honestly recommend people have this surgery. Maybe peeps just need to think beyond the size stuff and contemplate if the surgery is really what is needed or if other life changes should be made instead.

My fear is that I've signed my death certificate and it's just taking awhile to die. My body isn't working right, I am having problem after problem--I was in better shape at 232 lbs! Yeah, it's "great" to wear a size 2--I'll have a really good looking corpse. Oh yeah, my depression is actually worse than it was when I was fat, and now I can't even take my Welbutrin to help my head.

I don't think I would have listened to anyone saying these things before the surgery, and I don't have expectations that anyone would listen now, but if you haven't had the surgery yet, THINK REALLY HARD to determine if it's what you want, even if you're sure. It can bring it's own demons with it, and those demons just get piled on top of existing demons.

I don't feel like I am capable of rational expression, and for that I apoogize. It's just freakin scary as hell to be in such bad health, and to know I brought it on myself makes me sad. I miss strong, capable Donna.

Donna I'm so sorry you are having all this trouble. Thank you so much for always being honest and forthright. Know that you are loved.

eyesthatkissu · 01-16-2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina in NY

I did not have many confidence issues (after the 7 years of therapy with the most brillian therapist ever!) - I came here from the "Living large" mentality. My cry was - "Here I am - Love me the way I am or you suck." I judged others as shallow if they couldn't appreciate me and I truly believed they didn't deserve me. (I still do) I was on top! My work is on stage, in front of people. I have charisma and I ooze confidence. I'm actually totally egotistical about my abilities. The things I have done on stage - you wouldn't believe. I have posed for life drawing classes - and they loved me! Of course they did!

But - you don't get to 288 when you're 5' 2" if there is nothing wrong. My life outside the house has always been exciting and rewarding. But I learned long ago that the way to get attention from my family (parents) is to be fat - then you're the center of attention. People will give you money to try the latest diet - there is no end to the discussions. People actually call you to tell you about new diets - it is a great attention getter. Success? - no one even listens.

There are ways that being heavy served me. I rarely had to worry about innappropriate attention from other men or my students (heaven help me) and I have WAY too much engery. I seem like I drink gallons of coffee and I do NO caffeine or sugar at all. This energy has to go somewhere and that is what I am learning now - where to put all this energy. It was easier to sit and be exhausted just breathing than to negotiate baby sitters, drive all over the place, keep up a social calendar. It was also easy on my marriage - not much happened - we were both too heavy to do much.

I had this surgery for my health - completely. My dad was diagnosed with diabetes at 41, I'm 38. I had gestational diabetes and having seen my dad in diabetic shock - I knew this was the way to go.

Losing the weight is forcing me to become more fully who I am. I feared my personal power - I feared my strength. I feared my ability to succeed at every darn thing I try - but here I am succeeding again. I even feared my ego - which I always thought I loved - but that was when I had 140 extra pounds holding it down.

I can't say that I know where I'm going, but I know that to accept myself completely, I have to allow myself to be stunningly beautiful, attractive, charismatic, energetic and athletic. I have to develop the skills I need to live that way - and deal with the attention, but that is better than stuffing myself and holding myself back.

I have a theory that many of us use food to hold ourselves back from our own greatness. Maybe we feel unworthy of love, but I wonder if that is only part of the problem. Do we really fear our own greatness? Do we really fear being amazing and beautiful and successful?

Being amazing and great is scary - being pathetic and less than who you are - there is something so safe in that, isn't there? Curl up in a corner and no one notices you. Isnt' easier to be negative in this society than to be positive? Don't people say rude things to people who are happy all time - as if they are the one with the problem?

I'm not saying I have any anwers, but each day, each pound, I feel the success and I feel the fear of my own greatness. I am amazing - and so are all of you. If we can ever accept greatness in ourselves, I can't imagine what mountains we could move on this earth.

Gina this is FABULOUS!!!! I mean truely insightful. Wanna be my Life Coach?