porshh951

I'm doing all I can to help this women. She is 44 years old has a great family and marriage but, has some serious issues that she has yet to fully deal with. As a result she lets fear rule her decision making among other things(huge need for acceptance, self esteem issues).

In the gym her fear is a serious hinderence. She practically begged me to train her. Its been a little while and I fear my lack of patience is taking its toll on me. If she refuses to do what I tell her to how in the world can I possible help her? Working out in the gym and pushing yourself is about attitude and you either have it or you don't. If you don't its nearly impossible to get anything of serious substance accomplished.

When I started training her a little over a week ago she was 154 now she is 149 and wishes to be 140. How do I deal with someone who will literally debate me for 10 minutes on a treadmill about the speed? Saying she can't do this and can't do that.

She finally got over her fear two nights ago and discovered im not a moron and turns out she can do something she thought she couldn't. I do not enjoy debating with people about things. Either she is emotionally ready to change and do the work or she isn't. I can't force anyone to do anything let alone something they are afraid of.

How in the world can I best help this women. She has a wonderful heart but, I just simply don't have the time to babysit her for 30 minutes to get a 1hrs worth of real work out.

Any real advice/imput/suggestions im seriously open to hear.

__________________
TT Gym rat club member #1
Any action ever taken out of fear is always going to be the incorrect one.[/quote]

fisher1000

Could you do a written plan so that you don't have to work with her directly? Maybe something where she can see that every couple of workouts you are slowly increasing/pushing her limits but that would also show her results in a certain amount of time?

People like this (and I've been in this boat myself...) often respond like children would when moving from unstructured behaviors to structured ones. The thing that she's not understanding is the reward at the other end. For some people (and kids) it's all about the reward, and her reward may not be necessarily framed by health/fitness. She's too in the moment, and the structure that you are providing by working with her is too confining for where she feels she's at. In order for her to break out of that, and be a little more open and comfortable with her situation, she needs smaller goals, and positive reinforcements/rewards along the way. (Which technically she should set up for herself. If you do it, then she has no vested interest to try on her own.)

Maybe ask her what she feels she should be working toward besides the weight goal and remind her that when you ask her to do something that she feels she isn't ready for, that you wouldn't ask if you thought she would be unable to complete it. Remind her that your advice is to help, not hinder, her efforts, but ultimately, she has to make the decision to do what needs to be done. If she can't do that, or can't come up with some sort of positive reinforcement for herself, within your structural frame of knowledge, then it may be time for a little distance.

What all of this boils down to is giving her something concrete (a written plan) where she has factored in positive reinforcement that will matter to her and for her to understand what your role is, and what it is not, so that she can become more intrinsically motivated. Otherwise, everything you do will be undone when she is working this on her own.

I hope this wasn't too wordy...I have that tendency...

Good Luck!

-Mike

__________________
FISHERBEAR MIKE
402/249/under 200 (As of 05/10/08)
Highest/Current/Goal
Open RNY - September 24th
153 pounds GONE, BABY, GONE!

BMI: 63 (was) / 38.8 (is)

Gina in NY

For me - it was about the voices. (John turns and slowly backs away) No really. The fact is, we all have this part of ourselves that is REALLY fearful and negative. It is in there - even the best of us. My cycling coach said it best when he said, "We all have that part of us that would be happy if we died later this afternoon."

I tell people all the time who are telling me how amazing I am for how hard I work and the success and blah b-blah, b-blah - the line between success and failure is very, very thin. When I am on that treadmill, on the bike, whatever - every negative thought my intellect can come up with is in there. The voices are loud and clear, "You're too old, you're too fat, you didn't eat right, you haven't trained enough for this, your leg hurts, you're going to have a heart attack, people are staring at you, you deserve a nap...." It goes on and on and on. It does not stop. Furthermore, some of these things are have some truth to them, BUT - here is the fine line between success and failure:

I succeed because I hear the voices, but I do not obey them. They do not rule me. I put my body on auto pilot, turn up the ipod and let those thoughts go by like breezes.

THE only person who can keep you from success is yourself. Success is very intimidating. We think we don't deserve it - we are afraid to be so great. But honestly - and this all came together for me at the same time - God wants us to be our best and it is a testiment to our love for
Him that we allow ourselves to succeed, knowing it is Him who gives us that strength. (That can be translated into any belief system of course. It is the universe, the goddess - whatever is out there is what fuels us and lends us the power and permission to do what we could not do on our own.)

I trust my body to be smarter than my mind when it comes to athletic things. I didn't always, but I learned to with time. I told myself - what is the worst that can happen? I push hard, and if it is too much, my body will stop me - not my mind now, but my body.

And of course the wonderful things you've said to me have helped me so much, and she'll get those too. How many times did you say the same thing to me, over and over...must have driven you crazy and suddenly I'm saying it to you, like it is something new. She just has to get through it. And you, John - have to keep saying it - over and over - just like you did for me. Think I'd have run a 10K before work this morning without you helping me get there? right... Think I'd have believed my nutritionist was, in your words, "A moron" for telling me GBP patients don't acheive normal weight? You got me through all that and believed in my ability to push to the absolute end long before I did. You told me truth that smacked me around and refused to allow me to settle for anything less than my absolute best. Did I struggle - heck yea - but you kept pushing me and God bless you for it.

And now, here I am. Closer to the Gina God intended me to be than ever before in my life. This is good - and you helped get me there. Yes you did. You make your own decision about continuing with her or not, but I believe you will reach her.

Like St. Teresa watering the dead rose bush - seems futile - and suddenly - it isn't. Patience. Obedience. Good stuff.

__________________
Gina in NY
288/261/155 - 5'3"
High/Pre-op/Current
Goal - 19% BF. Dr. Goal - 150 My next goal: 135?
Open RNY 6/20/06 Plastics 7/27/07
TT Gym rat club member #5

splendifor

I mentioned in a different thread that I teach a conflict resolution class

One of the things I like BEST about my co-leader is how he is so gifted at letting people own their own crap.. I'm getting better at it since watching and learning from him. He does it to me too and it pisses me off that it WORKS even as I know he's doing it (lol)

I"m not sure if you're her trainer-trainer or being a good samaritan.. I think that if you're being a good samaritan then maybe do your workout beside her while she struggles... (time being a factor here) or if not, just stand there with her. Meanwhile, you have said, "I think you could go up to xyz." She says, "No I can't blah blah blah." You could either use reflective listening (I hear you saying you don't think you can.) or the broken record method (I think you could go up to xyz.) or the observational method (I can see you're really struggling with seeing yourself as capable/strong/etc as I do.) or what I call the "buddha smile" (direct eye contact, no words just expectant smile.) Usually there's a good way to blend all those types of things but the bottom line that is being communicated is You are going to have to decide to make this work, I can't decide for you. It's a very effective way to leave the power to make the choice (and the mandate for making the choice) in her lap - it's less exhausting than trying to persuade her against her will (the more you try, the more she argues against it) and leaves you in a calm, centered, hopeful place which is the BEST place to be a change-agent (which is what I see you being ) AND of course, that calm, centered, hopeful place is the only place that any of the above methods really work from

I'd like to know how things work out for you so I hope you'll post an update as things progress.

__________________
Jacki
Lap RNY 4/23/08
highest: 312 current: 252 goal: 115


"A little soda violence goes a long way, baby." ~ Mike
Honestly sometimes I believe people should be on disability for being ignorant! ~Deborah

Godsblessedme

i have no idea, charge more

__________________

Deborah (before sugery)

PreOp/Current/Goal
268 /212 (5/12/08) /130

Surgery Date: 12/18/07 Lap RNY

Gym Rat #98

Debz

You know, this kind of reminds me of one of my favorite analogies when it comes to the effort required to get what you want. Goes like this...if you want a Coke out of the machine, and the price is 50 cents. You put in 45 cents and nothing happens.

You have 2 choices...you can sit and whine about the fact that you put in 45 cents...you tried so hard...it's not FAIR! Or, you can dig deep and come up with the other nickel.

You need to just put it to her just that way. She's trying hard. But the price of what she wants is higher than what she's paying. She's wasting her time, and yours with just 45 cents.

She asked for your expertise...now she needs to decide if she's going to use it. If not, you should move on. I firmly believe the old "You can lead a horse to water" thing. If you've lead her to water and she ain't drinking, your time can be spent better elsewhere.

__________________
Debbie
Lap RNY 8/6/07
Highest/Day of surgery/current/goal
251/237/148/My first goal is 145
As of 05/12

89 pounds gone since my RNY
103 total pounds gone forever!
Looking for century!!!
Found it!!!!
3 pounds to goal??? How the hell did that happen???



TT Gym Rat #95

CiCi

You are so hilarious, Deb!! Love this response!

__________________
T r a c i
RNY LAP March 30, 2005
244 pre-op / 120 current and holding!

pebitpeb

__________________
Paul
Laproscopic Gastric Bypass May 18, 2007, 205kg/(451 lbs)/post op abdominoplasty(12-14-07 & 01-14-08) post-op hip surgery(2-27-08)currently 4-25-08 85kg(187lbs) GOAL REACHED 265 lbs gone .
Goal 85kg(187lbs)ACHIEVED GOAL WEIGHT APRIL 25, 2008(11 Months & 6 days after LAPROSCOPIC GASTRIC BYPASS)

porshh951

There is nothing gentle about me

but, she is making huge progress. Her faith is becoming restored. She is becoming a better mother,lover,wife,workout animal. Her and her hubby are going to marriage counseling now(im helping). Things are going great for her.

She is soooo strong she just needs to realize it and let go of her fear. Whenever a strong women lets go of fear they become very powerful. She is already under weight goal and kicking ass on her new target of 135(she is currently 142ish).

for refference she is 5'5

__________________
TT Gym rat club member #1
Any action ever taken out of fear is always going to be the incorrect one.[/quote]

nextbigloser

I found this article so I thought I would post it.


Reasons We Lose Motivation

1. Lack of confidence - If you don’t believe you can succeed, what’s the point in trying?
2. Lack of focus - If you don’t know what you want, do you really want anything?
3. Lack of direction - If you don’t know what to do, how can you be motivated to do it?

How to Boost Confidence

The first motivation killer is a lack of confidence. When this happens to me, it’s usually because I’m focusing entirely on what I want and neglecting what I already have. When you only think about what you want, your mind creates explanations for why you aren’t getting it. This creates negative thoughts. Past failures, bad breaks, and personal weaknesses dominate your mind. You become jealous of your competitors and start making excuses for why you can’t succeed. In this state, you tend to make a bad impression, assume the worst about others, and lose self confidence.
The way to get out of this thought pattern is to focus on gratitude. Set aside time to focus on everything positive in your life. Make a mental list of your strengths, past successes, and current advantages. We tend to take our strengths for granted and dwell on our failures. By making an effort to feel grateful, you’ll realize how competent and successful you already are. This will rejuvenate your confidence and get you motivated to build on your current success.
It might sound strange that repeating things you already know can improve your mindset, but it’s amazingly effective. The mind distorts reality to confirm what it wants to believe. The more negatively you think, the more examples your mind will discover to confirm that belief. When you truly believe that you deserve success, your mind will generate ways to achieve it. The best way to bring success to yourself is to genuinely desire to create value for the rest of the world.

Developing Tangible Focus

The second motivation killer is a lack of focus. How often do you focus on what you don’t want, rather than on a concrete goal? We normally think in terms of fear. I’m afraid of being poor. I’m afraid no one will respect me. I’m afraid of being alone. The problem with this type of thinking is that fear alone isn’t actionable. Instead of doing something about our fear, it feeds on itself and drains our motivation.
If you’re caught up in fear based thinking, the first step is focusing that energy on a well defined goal. By defining a goal, you automatically define a set of actions. If you have a fear of poverty, create a plan to increase your income. It could be going back to school, obtaining a higher paying job, or developing a profitable website. The key is moving from an intangible desire to concrete, measurable steps.
By focusing your mind on a positive goal instead of an ambiguous fear, you put your brain to work. It instantly begins devising a plan for success. Instead of worrying about the future you start to do something about it. This is the first step in motivating yourself to take action. When know what you want, you become motivated to take action.

Developing Direction

The final piece in the motivational puzzle is direction. If focus means having an ultimate goal, direction is having a day-to-day strategy to achieve it. A lack of direction kills motivation because without an obvious next action we succumb to procrastination. An example of this is a person who wants to have a popular blog, but who spends more time reading posts about blogging than actually writing articles.
The key to finding direction is identifying the activities that lead to success. For every goal, there are activities that pay off and those that don’t. Make a list of all your activities and arrange them based on results. Then make a make an action plan that focuses on the activities that lead to big returns. To continue the example from above, a blogger’s list would look something like this:

1. Write content
2. Research relevant topics
3. Network with other bloggers
4. Optimize design and ad placements
5. Answer comments and email
6. Read other blogs

Keeping track of your most important tasks will direct your energy towards success. Without a constant reminder, it’s easy to waste entire days on filler activities like reading RSS feeds, email, and random web surfing.
When my motivation starts to wane, I regain direction by creating a plan that contains two positive actions. The first one should be a small task you’ve been meaning to do, while the second should be a long-term goal. I immediately do the smaller task. This creates positive momentum. After that I take the first step towards achieving the long-term goal. Doing this periodically is great for getting out of a slump, creating positive reinforcement, and getting long-term plans moving.
It’s inevitable that you’ll encounter periods of low energy, bad luck, and even the occasional failure. If you don’t discipline your mind, these minor speed bumps can turn into mental monsters. By being on guard against the top 3 motivation killers you can preserve your motivation and propel yourself to success.

__________________
Kim
AKA CelebrityBear
Height 5' 8"
286/216/140
Highest/Current/Goal

Approval: Nov. 16th 2007
Surgery: Jan. 07th 2008
TT Gym Rat #85


"You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same."



http://nextbigloser.blogspot.com/