Let's talk about sex... - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

brutherford · 10-20-2004, 10:34 PM

Yup, you read right. But not really the act of sex, just all of the sex-ish noise that has been invading my life lately. (And from reading your posts, I know I'm not alone

)

Okay, so it just dawned on me a few weeks ago that the guy who keeps hanging around my office has been hitting on me. I'm such a dork, because apparently it's been going on for weeks, and I didn't get it. He hasn't asked if I'm married or have a boyfriend and I don't think he could miss my wedding ring which is about an two inches wide... but anyway, he's still hitting on me.

So, yesterday, this same guy shows up in the employee lounge while I'm trying to down some dinner, and he comes over and sits with me. Now that I've caught on to him, I'm aware of how he keeps checking me out and it makes me nervous. So for the 30 minutes that we're sitting there, I'm having a hard time making eye contact, and I'm fidgeting and uncomfortable, and there's 7 or 8 faculty members in the lounge too, a few of which are catching my eye and winking or raising an eyebrow because it's obvious to them that this guy's hitting on me. Oh, and I forgot to mention - this guy is totally hot. No kidding - 6'3", broad shouldered, and obviously spends quite a bit of time in the gym.

So, the 30 minutes of his presence didn't kill me, but the aftermath almost did. I stayed up until 2am this morning, watching bad tv and eating pretzels and trail mix. (Thank god I had sense enough to not buy any chocolate.) On one hand, I'm flattered and thrilled that a hot guy is checking me out. On the other MUCH bigger hand, I'm terrified and ashamed and confused. Now, half a cup of pretzels and trail mix doesn't put me into a food coma the way that my comfort foods used to do, so I had a lot of time to think about this. There is a HUGE difference between what I know intellectually and what I feel emotionally. Intellectually, I know that it was harmless, that I didn't do anything wrong, that I didn't "lead him on" or make any indication that anything would ever happen between he and I, that this is probably going to happen again so I need to learn how to deal with it, and that I should just enjoy his flattery and attention. Emotionally, I am my 12-year-old self who was just raped and fully believe that I brought this upon myself; I am ashamed of myself without having done anything; I'm nauseated because I'm worrying over what I did to that man that made him act the way he did - it couldn't possibly be because he likes me (who would like fat, ugly, old me), it has to be because I tricked him somehow; I'm completely paranoid and start freaking out over how I've become my mother and my grandmother - both women are infamous for cheating on their spouses and there's 8 marriages between them.

So, I started beating myself up again as soon as I woke up, but the guilt of not having gone to the gym in two weeks drove me to go work out... thank god. I worked my a$$ off for almost 2 hours, and I'm so glad that I did. Afterwards, I grabbed a cup of coffee and a cigarette and called my best friend, who was able to talk some sense into me. Here's what I now know:

- All of the abuse in my childhood has made me completely phobic of anything sexual. I don't know what's "normal," so I don't feel comfortable talking about it and certainly am not comfortable being anyone's object. I'm just going to have to throw all of that junk away and relearn about healthy sexual relationships - both the flirting and non-flirting kind. I'm actually now considering taking a class.

- My best friend says that I just need to get comfortable with the fact that I'm "hot" and that this is going to happen. I'm not comfortable with that description - that so isn't me - but I don't have to be comfortable in order to start creating a plan of how to deal with the attention, rather than being caught by surprise.

- I need to trust myself. I need to learn how to trust my instincts, my opinions, my boundaries, my feelings. I love my husband more than I ever thought was possible, and I know that there is no one that I would rather be with than him. I need to trust in that.

- And, most importantly, my dearest, bestest friend said, "What do you think Stretton does when women flirt with him? He flirts back!" And he's absolutely right. My husband Stretton is very handsome and women have been falling over him at every occasion in the past 12 years that we've been together. Stretton used to work with my best friend several years ago, and he tells me that women were "throwing it at him" all the time. It's never bothered me because I've never questioned his utter devotion and love for me - I've just always considered it to be part of the territory of having a cute husband. So, why do I hold myself to different standards?! I would never blame Stretton for a woman hitting on him - it's not his fault that he's attractive.... DUH!

Whew...

I hope that this hasn't offended anyone and if there are others out there going through similar things I hope that this helps. Thank you for allowing me to emotionally purge... now I need a nap.

TabFox · 10-20-2004, 10:58 PM

I can somewhat relate. I've gotten more attention from males (and females!) since losing weight. I was always comfortable hiding behind my fat so this is unchartered territory for me as well. I do have a history of being raped when I was 15 (and skinny) so it is frightening. I'm very uncomfortable with the extra attention. I've decided when I do receive unwanted attention, I just look at them like they have a third eye or something. If someone puts a hand on me in a flirty manner, they will pull back a stump. Nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable. And, you're right, don't beat yourself up about it. It's perfectly fine to be friendly and civil..and even a little flirty at times, but you didn't act upon it. You didn't cheat. It's amazing that not only do we go through the physical changes, but the emotional changes are a kicker. I'm glad you posted about this, because I'm sure alot of us have encountered this. Remember, if someone flirts, and you don't like it...say something. Stand up for yourself. And, you know that all of us here would never look down on you or judge you. You're safe here.

((((((HUGS)))))
Tabitha

watergirl · 10-21-2004, 08:02 AM

You are truely an amazing woman! I appreciate your honest and heartfelt emotions flowing through to us. You've taken great strides in your emotional healing and I thank you for sharing that wish us. We all really need to remember that when bad things happened to us when we were little and didn't have an adults perspective on these bad things, we used our limited life experiences and tried to process something that is bad and ugly. How do we process it? We take blame.

When you get comfortable, let me know how you got there.

God Bless you and keep you close! ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Ms.P · 10-21-2004, 08:13 AM

Isn't it funny the things that we learn as children stick with us. Bask in in. Bask in the attention it is okay to be the center of it for once in your life. Appreciate it that you can now hold a glance or that someone is actually looking, that someone is actually interested. It has been years since I have been there. But, those memories of a little healthy flirtation go along way and sometimes those memories are all that we have that sustains us. Learn to match their stare.

Melanie

pambragg · 10-21-2004, 08:20 AM

Barbara and Tabitha,

Thank you for sharing with us some of your history. I am very grateful to both of you for opening yourselves up to us. You are awesome, strong and beautiful women, inside and out. We all have our own demons from our old life to deal with and witnessing your strength will help all of us who haven't quite had the courage to deal with ours. Kim, you are a beautiful angel. I love you all. Big hugs

watergirl · 10-21-2004, 08:42 AM

I think God put all you Angels down here to help me!

Love you too Pam!

MaryClipper · 10-21-2004, 09:14 AM

Barbara,
Sexual attention is tough. Especially for those of us who are victims of sexual abuse. We used our weight to hide from that attention for a long time. Many of us never got used to sexual attention because of hiding under our wall of fat. Other mature adults have been dealing with it all of their lives, so its no big deal. People like us, have to learn that skill a little later in life.

All I can say is.... Trust yourself! You know that you are not your mother, grandmother or any other woman in this world. You will be faithful to your husband because that is how you chose to live your life. Sexual attention is normal and even though it may make us uncomfortable it will not kill us or even hurt us. I myself don't flirt back, the reason is that I have no intention of persuing a relationship outside of my marraige and I don't want to encourage the attention. I found that if you ignore the attention, they lose intrest pretty quickly.

I am just more comfortable this way.

It will get easier, I promise! This is all part of the journey.

Mary

Barbarajo · 10-21-2004, 10:08 AM

Barbara R.
I have been dealing with the inside reasons I eat over the past 3-4 years. I knew that I had to deal with the reason I eat and stay overweight before I would ever be successful in losing weight. Can we say "Self sabatoge?"

But I still have this inside fear of losing weight. That fear of "what if's" I too am a faithful wife and never ever want to go outside my marriage with anyone. So I have set up some safe rules for myself.

#1 Never be alone with a man. If I get stuck alone with a man who wants to talk to me, I involve others into the conversation. Or I say end the conversation quickly

#2 I never have an intimate conversation with a man about my marriage or my personal life. If this happens in promots intimacy and that's not what I want.

#3 If a man complimants I simply say "Thank you". (even though inside I may be felling all kinds of emotions and possibly even freaking out a little.) I simple say thank you. Simply saying "thank you" was very difficult to learn. I had the help and support of my friends and husband on that one. In the past I would usually cut myself down whenever I was complimented. Now a simple thank you stops all the noise in my head.

Fear of future rape. Yes that is always in my mind. I had to have, and will continue to have long talks with God about that one. God can't promise it will never happen again. But He can promise and has promised to be there for me if it happens again. I have survived years and years of molestation as a child. And several times I have been raped. I survived, and these situation molded me into who I am today. Which is a strong loving, caring person who understand the depth of pain of others.

I know that as I lose weight all these issues will arise again. All the old feeling will come up to the top again. And I know that it will hurt sometimes to have to deal with them. But as each pound sheds, so sheds my fears. I know that in the end I will be free from my past and I will be physically and emotionaly healthier as well.

Love you guys, you are a great support. Thank you so much for freely sharing you stuff. It really means a lot to me.

Karen Wright · 10-21-2004, 10:34 AM

Thank you all for sharing with us.

I have much respect for all of you.

Americanwoman397 · 10-21-2004, 10:57 AM

Gals you know what's so funny that you posted this today. Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday.

I was standing in the kitchen at work. You know I've told most of you I work with like 20 guys. Well there is this one guy here that I've always thought was cute but he is a jerk so he never had an appeal to me. I mean since he has worked here he as never looked at me twice and barely has ever even talked to me. I sit at the front desk and he normally doesn't even say good morning when coming in the door. Well yesterday he walked in the kitchen after me and looks me up and down twice. In my head I'm like yeah I know I look good(I was in the being of PMS mood..LOL). He then begins to say "Dang girl you are looking good. I think we should go to the Christmas party together" I looked at him and said "What" He says "You know you and I should hit the Christmas Party together. I mean you are looking good. We can get a hotel and just make a night of it down there" I looked at him and said " Are you nuts? Do you really think I would do that? I have a boyfriend and you know that. What kind of question is that?" I walked out of the kitchen and left the building for like 10 mins. I wanted to smack him so bad I could feel my hand moving. I couldn't believe a guy could be such an ass. He is the only one I really deal with like that. I mean a few guys have made comments but I just blow them off because they are guys but nothing like that.

Thank goodness for my best friend because he called like 10 mins later and I screamed and got it all out on him and then felt so much better. He just laughed at me and told me that the guy was missing out on the best girl out there and it was his loss. Not for me to worry my pretty little head over it. He thinks that the guys is seeing what him and Aaron have always seen.

I haven't even told Aaron yet because he is suppose to go to my christmas party with me and I don't want him to knock him out or something...LOL