I guess this is where I need to be - ThinnerTimes

Esouza · 05-17-2006, 04:43 PM

I blew it on the drinking thing. Pretty disappointing but I gotta tell you when I blow it I blow it in royal fashion. Things haven't been to good for a few months.. it built and built until I popped. I'm not even sure what happened. All I know was that I was stressing pretty hard. Almost like I had been just running in circles for a long time and I gave up. So tired of it. Anyway when things get rough... ya know simple stuff that some people deal with all the time I don't know how to handle it. It seemed so odd to me because I've done some great things in life. Built and raced cars, pulled up 200+ pound tuna on handline, skydiving competitivley. I've always wondered why I could do these extreme things with calm and yet I can't handle a crying kid. There are emotions I've avoided my whole life but there are times there is no running away from it. This is one of those times. I realize I live life in 2 modes. Survivor mode and living mode. When things are good I love life and can see so many positives. Something happens and then I go into survivor mode and this selfish part of me takes over. I think about myself and my future and I start looking at the wants vs the needs or what really makes me happy. 5 years ago when I had this surgery I started from scratch. I had $20 and a pair of fatboy sweats. I had to borrow money for clothes for my first interview. Even before then I haven't had the support of family all my adult life. I left home 20+ years ago and never really wanted to go back. It wasn't a place of love and it wasn't a place I was ever happy at. What took place there shaped the way I would handle my emotions in adulthood. My dad used to brag how he raised little men and not little boys. Yeah... great. I could take a beating like a man and not flinch because if I did I would get more. Anyway... I started going to a support group. I realized I'm not broken. I'm not a person that's not salvageable. I'm just like anyone else. I just didn't learn. I think about skydiving. I can handle myself calmly in bad situations and I know every I need to do when a malfuction happens. I look at my altimeter, I don't panic, I know where my hard deck is so I know when I may have to cut away. I wasn't born knowing that. I was taught. When those malfunctions happened to me I was calm and could get myself out of it because I practiced on every jumps my safety procedures. I learned and listened to my coaches. I was humble because I knew I didn't know what the hell I was doing. It the same thing with theses emotions I need to deal with. Its time to learn how to deal with them and do whatever it takes. I'm not a drunk, or an addict, and I don't like to hurt people. I take no joy in any of it. I am however a person that doesn't like to feel these negative emotions. I don't know how to handle them and I end up losing sleep, trying to numb them, and stressing and all the rest that comes with it. I've been struggling with writing about this for a while. Sometimes my ego gets in the way. I feel like I should know better. I feel like people are proud of me for my achivements and I never want to show the human side. A friend of mine that knows about all this stuff and has been a friend for a few years said to me "The Ed I know admited his faults and always worked to improve himself. It always helped others and he was honest. That's the person everyone loves." True or not I don't know but I do know I feel like shit holding it in. I'm tired of missing out on lifes rewards when I go into survivor mode. Anyway I'm taking care of myself now by going to group and the therapist. It feels good because it doesn't feel hopeless anymore. Like a light ya know? Hopefully it gets brighter. I'm sharing this because I know some people still do it with food. Me.. I've been detached from the food thing for a long time. Other things tho but its all just symptoms of a root problem. Not sure if some of you can relate but I bet a few of you can. I think it's time I start giving back where I can.

Take care

Ed

coptergirl · 05-17-2006, 05:11 PM

Ed - Thanks for your openness, and for being so honest and candid. There is always a root problem that can be manifested in many ways. You know of it and are willing and most importantly you are ready to work on it. You've come a long way!!!

lealphachienne · 05-17-2006, 08:34 PM

We tend to forget that we're still human, with all the problems and baggage like anyone else. Being previously MO added another dimension, but losing weight doesn't cure the issues of the soul. I feel that I live a dual life too. Many days I feel powerful and can conquer the world. Other days, I feel like a little girl huddled in the corner crying for my mommy. I realize that I am both persons, and that it's okay to be both seemingly contradictory personalities. We are all made up of the good and bad, ying and yang, the wonderful conflicts that makes us human. What matters is that you keep on going, placing one foot in front of the other. Doesn't matter if you're crawling or skipping down the road, as long as you continue to move forward.

Esouza · 05-17-2006, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lealphachienne

We tend to forget that we're still human, with all the problems and baggage like anyone else. Being previously MO added another dimension, but losing weight doesn't cure the issues of the soul. I feel that I live a dual life too. Many days I feel powerful and can conquer the world. Other days, I feel like a little girl huddled in the corner crying for my mommy. I realize that I am both persons, and that it's okay to be both seemingly contradictory personalities. We are all made up of the good and bad, ying and yang, the wonderful conflicts that makes us human. What matters is that you keep on going, placing one foot in front of the other. Doesn't matter if you're crawling or skipping down the road, as long as you continue to move forward.

Thanks girl. I am moving forwrd. I just got side tracked and lost for awhile. At least I have a road map now.

lealphachienne · 05-17-2006, 08:49 PM

I'm glad to see you posting again!

SaturdazeChyld · 05-17-2006, 10:17 PM

Kudos to you for reaching out to people. It is a hard thing to do sometimes. I know coz I left my husband when I was 6 months pregnant and have raised him completely alone til now and he is 21. I went out of my way to prove that I didn't need anyone!! for anything. Whatever I did need, I paid someone to do it, rarely asking for favors if I couldn't do it myself. Always in control .. or that was the illusion anyway. What a waste of my energy all those years.

I'm praying that you are successful in tearing down all those old walls of pain and hurt. That you are successful in stopping all those old soundtracks that run thru your brain and changing them to match all the changes you have made to the outside of your body!

Gadzooks.. you have lost 273 pounds?! That's remarkable. Nice goin'

Charlotte · 05-17-2006, 10:31 PM

Ed,

I was touched by your post and am glad youre reaching out here and elsewhere. Isolation and staying in our own heads gets us nowhere but more confusion, guilt, shame and pain. Thanks for sharing and just wanted you to know, I hear what youre saying! You are now making the right moves and on the right track again. Best Wishes and we are here for you!

LisaM · 05-18-2006, 03:49 AM

Ed,

One thing I figured out the other day was that coping is one of those learned skills. I don't mean coping like not crying or flinching when you get the crap beat out of you (I learned that one too, also from my father). I mean the day in, day out coping skills. We formerly fat taught ourselves to use food as a coping skill. When that's gone, we have to be taught or teach ourselves other ways to cope.

I think (could be wrong) that the coping skills you taught yourself to replace food are what you're calling survivor mode, where you get self-centered, etc., to keep yourself from hurting. Maybe if you teach yourself other ways to cope than moving into survivor mode, you'll make those work better for you. Sounds like you're right where you should be--in group, learning those new skills. They will become second nature, much as your relaxed attitude when skydiving. Figuring out where the hard deck is emotionally is just a little tougher, that's all. Oh, and when you hit the ground after an emotional dive, walking away is a tad easier...

Sounds to me like you're already doing great. Proud of you!

eyesthatkissu · 05-18-2006, 07:00 AM

Ed... It's so good to see you posting again. Ya know.... you can never see where you're headed if you haven't looked at where you've been. We have so many issues to deal with having been MO, having been raised in not the healthiest of environments. I think you have other things to deal with on top of everything else, because you're a man. You're not "supposed" to have short comings. You're suppossed to be able to deal with anything. It's just plain silliness. Needing help doesn't make you weak it makes you human, and going out and getting it, makes you freakin' Superman. Now that you've got that map..... make it a road trip. Reaching your destination will be fun, interesting, and worth a few postcards along the way. Take care sweetheart...

Esouza · 05-18-2006, 08:01 AM

Thank you for the support guys. I guess it's like Marie said.. Sometimes we're crawling and sometimes we're skipping thru life. Most of the time I'm skipping. When I'm crawling people reach out to me to help me up and I always deny I'm crawling. I refuse the help until my knees and palms are bleeding and I cant take it anymore. Reminds me of the story about the guy on the roof of his house surrounded by rising flood waters. He prays to god and a boat comes. The man says no thanks god will save me. Then a helicopter comes and he waves it off and says no god will save me. The water rises and he drowns. He goes to heaven and see god and says "god why didn't you save me?" God says "Hey I even sent you a helicopter." Angels are sent to me all the time but sometimes (a lot of times) I don't realize it. I'm just glad I know I don't have to or feel like I have to do this alone anymore.