Feeling Resentful Toward Family? - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

eli_far77 · 04-07-2006, 05:14 PM

Hi everybody!
So, I didn't share with ALL my family that I was going to have wls. The ones that knew were my parents, bros & sis, and my dad told my grandparents. My grandmother told my aunts, who I didn't want to tell in the first place. The reason why I didn't want to tell them was because they've always been critical about my weight. Everytime I'd visit the first thing out of their mouths was how much weight I had gained...or whatever. I hated that, I'd always have to fight back tears until one day I had enough and just cried my eyes out.
So, now they all know about my surgery. A couple of my aunts have tried calling me but I have been avoiding their calls. I did talk to one (the nicer one of all) on my birthday. Then another aunt emailed me with a birthday wish and asked how I was.
Now, out of the blue, they are trying to get in touch with me but I'm thinking the only reason why is because they're curious to know how much weight I've lost and ask a million and one questions.
I have a feeling that the first opportunity they get to come out here to visit, they are all going to come (I have 4 aunts) just to see how I look. I know it. It makes me feel like I'm some kind of a freak show or something. I think I'm feeling somewhat resentful? Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Thanks for reading

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monkeygrly · 04-07-2006, 05:55 PM

Sometimes people are critical out of concern. I know that my Grandpa always criticized my weight but I knew that he always loved me. I'm sure that part of the reason that they are calling or trying to get in touch is because they are curious but I'm sure there is also concern behind their inquiries.

I try not to hold grudges, life is to short. Don't contact them if you don't feel like it but holding on to resentment just makes you feel bad and really has no effect on the person your mad at. It makes life so much easier if you just let it go. I'm not trying to preach, I just know that the less anger I feel the better I feel about myself and the world

NewMel06 · 04-07-2006, 10:10 PM

It really hurts when your family members are critical of you. In the family setting, you are supposed to feel comfortable and yourself, like that is your safety net. When family members betray that with inconsiderate comments, whether they meant them that way or not, it hurts. May be call them on the carpet over it. I dont' think you will necessarily be able to just let it go. When there is hurt and resentment from years and years ago to present, there is too much there to just ignore it any longer. What if you write them an email or a nice hand written letter telling them your feelings. Even if you don't end up sending it, you will have gotten your feelings out. If you bottle them up, you could end up sabotaging your success. We often eat to cover up feelings of hurt and resentment. Hope this helps!

HeatherT · 04-07-2006, 10:18 PM

it could also be that they are concerned about you - they realize it is a major surgery and maybe they just want to chek on you...hopefully that is all they are thinking and if they are going to be critical than show them the surgery was worth it as you get healthy and so much happier!

Californiagirl · 04-07-2006, 10:45 PM

Hang in there. Try to remember that it is not about you. They have their own issues and no way they can understand how you feel. I went through similar situations when I first had my surgery. My parents who live cross country and never call me, were suddenly calling me every day pre-op to talk me out of it. My mom says "I don't look like me", whatever that is supposed to mean...and my in laws were really strange. I had lost the first half of my weight at one point since they had seen me and they never said a word about me being thinner or anything about it. That hurts too. Again...I just say they have their own issues and just be proud of yourself for getting healthy!

coptergirl · 04-08-2006, 10:10 AM

Please don't hold gruges - life is way to short, and it drains you of so much energy whether you realize it or not. The choice is yours whether you call them back or not. Personally, I would call them to keep communication open. Iwould answer their questions honestly, but I would be firm with them if they become judgemental (could be their own insecurities and jealousies coming out and you would set a mature example with your honesty). I would explain that my health comes first anf foremost, and that they could choose to support me or not, but that nothing they could say or do would sway me.

I know it is tough, sweetie - families are so wierd these days. You will be in my thoughts and prayers..

04-08-2006, 12:28 PM

I understand how you feel on many levels.

One is that my family is all overweight, even more than I was pre-op and while they tried to be supportive, I felt more like they just wanted to see how much weight I was losing.
The other are my naturaly thin friends, who never really understood what the problem was and after the surgery could not believe the changes and wanted the whole world to see me. aka...THE FREAK SHOW!!!

All in all I began to root all the feelings down to the reality that these people and their weird way of showing it, just cared about me and let their ignorance or curiousity get the best of them

In the end, they see me healthy and slim with the same personality sans the food adictiion.

Hope this helps.
Rain

eli_far77 · 04-09-2006, 01:12 AM

Hi all, first of all thank you to those who replied. You really all gave me something to think about.

~Kristi, I understand what you are saying. I am sure it was out of concern all the things they ever said to me growing up but those words are really hard to forget because I'm sure in some way their critizism shaped my poor self-image. I agree with you about not holding grudges. I'm usually the type to forget and move on with my life but everytime I hear of them asking about me it just boils my blood because they never really bothered before, why now? Thanks for your input

~Melanie, writing them a letter is such a good idea! That's the last thing I want to do is sabotage my sucess. I need to get these feelings out and get over this all but like you said it's not so easy. So, I am going to write them a letter but not send it because I have a feeling they don't even know how much hurt they caused me growing up. Thanks!

~Heather, yes part of me thinks that they might be genuinely concerned but I know them so well that I know that whatever I tell them would be something new they can gossip about among them. Thanks for your input

~Pam, I never thought of it that way. All four of my aunts are petite ladies who really have never stuggled with their weight so definitely they don't know how I feel. I guess if they didn't mention the weightloss it would be hurtful as well and in a way that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that they are going to see me and say something like..."you look the same" or "I don't see a difference". Thanks so much for the encouragement tho--I am so proud of myself and happy that I made the decision to have wls.

~Whitney, I'm trying not to hold grudges but it just irks me this sudden interest. I'm trying to get over this because I just don't want to feel like this for too long. Families are weird...lol..Thank you so much for the great advice.

~Rain,I guess I should just give them time to get used to this. I don't see them often so, when I do see them again I am going to feel so uncomfortable. I don't like to be the center of attention or "the talk" of the family. I should just explain this to them and get it over with and they can go on and start getting used to the new me and my new life. Thanks for your input

NewMel06 · 04-09-2006, 09:54 AM

Good luck to you. Iam glad I was able to help.

LizardQueen · 04-09-2006, 10:02 AM

I know how you feel about this. I haven't told my in laws (I never see 'em) because I don't want them to have any reason to make fun of me or be critical. I saw my sister in law (unavoidable) and she didn't say one word about me being thin. They have all called my grandmother and pumped her for info but she won't spill. I think they know about it. I deal with enough negativity on a daily basis without their BS on top of it. I wish I had some advice for you! Just know you aren't alone!