Losing your best friend - ThinnerTimes

Christina · 10-05-2004, 12:58 PM

Ok guys,

This may be long and emotional but I really need to post it because I have so much to say, but not quite sure how to get it out. So please be patient with me.

You know how pre-operatively our "best friend" was pretty much food? I mean we all had friends and maybe even great or best friends before sugery. However, I noticed that the heavier I got the more I alienated myself from my friends and loved ones. Food was my source of comfort, my friend. Food never judged me or got mad if I woke up in the middle of the night to finish off the rest of the bag or doritos or oreos I had started before I fell asleep. Food never criticized me or told me to lose weight.. it encouraged me to eat, to gain weight and to hide it. I can't tell you how many things I found while cleaning out my room. I found bags of mini candy bars, chips, cookies, etc. It kind of disgusted me that I hid the food.. it's not like I am a squirrel and preparing for winter time. Food is abundant for humans. The hard part is dealing with this after surgery. The other night I woke up and what was the first thing I did? I went to the refrigerator to find something to eat. Why did I do this? I'm not sure, but it scared me to death. What is wrong with me? Why don't I appreciate this tool I have been given? Well I realized before I ate anything that I wasn't hungry and would not benefit at all from this behavior, but it scares me that I did it anyway. I didn't eat anything and grabbed a bottle of water and got the heck out of Dodge! I went back to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about this.. and I realized that yes I have been kind of depressed lately.. and although I didn't feel depression at the moment of impact I was still probably emotional eating or just eating because I was awake and could do it. I don't really know why I did it.

The thing is we've lost the food ties.. not completely because we still have to eat.. but we've lost the binging days and days of quarts of ice cream to comfort a broken heart or whatever. We just can't do that anymore. So what do we do then? Some of us lash out, some of us sabotage ourselves and/or our relationships, some drink alcohol, some do drugs, some commit suicide, some start gambling or finding another source of comfort (i.e. replacing one addiction for another) and some just bury themselves in depression. I haven't seen a lot of those traits in me, but who knows they could be there. I know my "real" friends would tell me if I were being obessive or compulsive about things. I would hope they would anyway.

I have searched long and hard to figure out why some have harder issues with the loss of food and the grieving process then I had. I feel bad that I haven't been grieving that much. Am I just holding it in and all of a sudden it is going to explode? I hope not, these things I just don't know. I do know that since I have had the surgery and even before hand I have found a lot of new "best friends." and they are not in the form of food. They are humans with feelings and knowledge of my process. These friends know who they are and know that every day I am greatful for them. I have a strange hunch that the reason I have pretty much come through this to this point unscaved is because of these people that mean the world to me. They have replaced my food addiction. Now I have a forum, support group, and chat addiction.. lol
In all seriousness though, I have become so active and social, something I would never have done before surgery. That is how I am personally dealing with this process. Kelly asked me at my six month if I felt deprived of food especially since I can't do most "solids" and I simply said.. and I meant it "not really.. I could care less about food." Food is not an issue for me. I am not trying to throw this in anyone's face either that is facing this issue. Trust me I would never do that. I am trying to express my gratitude for those here on the forum that keep me honest, keep me going and allow me to love you for you as you love me for me. Your friendships are irreplacable. I am so greatful for this surgery and all that has come out of it. If it weren't for this surgery and Dr. Callery my life would have been much bleaker not knowing all of you. I know that if it weren't for the sound of Karen's voice in my head at the refrigerator door saying "whatcha think you're doin chicken?" or Stuarts voice saying "I aint marrying no fat bride" (It's an inside joke guys) I would have found something to eat and I would have beat myself up over it. So thanks guys for being there for me.. even when you aren't physically there.. you're there!!! And I love you for it. I know I can call any of you at any time and you'll be there for me..

Sorry this got kind of off track a few times.. just needed to get it out.. and let you guys know that I truly appreciate everything you have given me. I need you guys and hope that in some way I can help you as much as you have helped me.

Thanks for listening.. I love you guys!!!

Americanwoman397 · 10-05-2004, 01:24 PM

Glad to listen girl and I hope if there is ever anything you need you know I'm here as well. You have become a good friend to me. I like our silly emails back and forth about nothing at all...LOL

XOXO I sure hope you know what a great person you are and how lucky I feel to have met you.

bridgetgirl · 10-05-2004, 01:30 PM

Thanks for sharing your story. It is very touching and Im sure many can sympathize with your same struggles, I know I do. Keep on keepin' on honey. Love your face!

watergirl · 10-05-2004, 03:09 PM

You are such a wonderful person. When I first started reading the forum and then felt the need to participate, it was your smiling face, funny come backs, and your ability to share your past experiences with me/us that drew me in. You were the first person that I met from the forum. You were so willing to meet with me to go visit a new post op, Crystyll, it was a wonderful and enlightening experience that I will always remember til the day I die, unless I get Alzhimers sp? then I won't care about jack! LOL

Seriously, I appreciate you! You are a great inspiration to many!

I had the same thing happen to me when I got home yesterday, my bad time of day. I went to the refrigerator, looked around for something to eat, not hungry, stopped, thought what am I doing? I didn't eat, grabbed water also then went about other things. But it's the knowledge that I've learned here that made me stop, otherwise, I'm sure I would have. To address the issue, boredom/stress. Identify it, acknowledge it, and be happy that I moved on without the food.

brutherford · 10-05-2004, 07:44 PM

I know that all of us can empathize with at least one thing that you said - but most of us can empathize with the whole lot!

I've said it before, and I'll say it a million times more because it's something that I'm constantly trying to work on - try to work on having compassion for yourself. We all know that the surgery didn't fix our heads and it's perfectly natural for you to still have these little hiccups in mood, action, and attitude. Up until a few months ago, you spent the majority of your life turning to food in times of need... Of course that's going to be your knee-jerk reaction to different stimulus. Rather than being dissapointed in yourself for having that reaction, celebrate the fact that you have made major changes that allowed you to change your reaction to something healthy. It may happen a few more times, but each time, your reaction time will get shorter and shorter, then finally one day you won't find yourself at the fridge at all. You're building new habits and they take a while to replace the old ones.

Even though it seems like there's a "depression flu" going around right now, (so there may not be anything concrete that you're bummed about) you may want to take some time and think about what could be pushing your buttons right now. Of course, there's a lot on your plate - a job that can be stressful, new eating habits, losing lots of weight, planning a wedding, etc. What I'm suggesting is that identifying whatever it is that is causing you to want to nibble or eat and addressing that issue is much more productive than focusing on why your response to stress is eating. Do you see what I mean? If you can address what's bothering you then you will probably eliminate the reason that you're wanting to eat unecessarily. Focusing on the unecessary eating doesn't resolve the core issue that's causing that reaction.

Okay, I'll take off my therapy-colored spectacles right now...

You're doing great, Christina. You've come so far, your life has changed so much, and we all adore you... truly.

TabFox · 10-05-2004, 08:08 PM

Ok girlfriend, get outta my head! I go through some of the same things. Even though I'm on the opposite coast, there are alot of similarities. I found myself going to the pantry for potato chips the other day. I told my husband that the surgery part is the easy part...it's the mental thing that is a pain in the ass. Too bad they couldn't remove the addiction thing in our brains when we had gut surgery.

((((((HUGS)))))))

Tabitha

Blueyz · 10-05-2004, 10:31 PM

"So thanks guys for being there for me.. even when you aren't physically there.. you're there!!! And I love you for it. I know I can call any of you at any time and you'll be there for me.. "

Christina,
You can call me anytime, I am here for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am always here to listen.

You have always been there for me especially when I was pre-op and freaking out and when you and Tonya came to see me in ICU. I will never forget that. It meant a lot to me.

HapBird · 10-05-2004, 11:42 PM

This was one of the most valuable posts in a while! I expect ALL of us, sooner of later, will have the same reactions when faced with stressful situations.

Yep, the surgery does NOT fix our brains, and they told us that very clearly at the outset, so the hard part comes after the O.R./hospital experience. We've all learned bad habits and it is always hard to break habits learned over years, or for many of us, whole lifetimes.

This realization is the reason I joined Overeaters Anonymous last summer, as part of getting myself where I need to be to make the surgery successful for me. I realized immediately when I wrote my essay for Dr. C that I faced the loss of a 'friend' and there would be a period of grief for that. And grief over a loss is not something you can have a good cry over for a day or so and consider it all done. Grief can come back, over and over - if any of you have lost a person you loved, you will understand this. And losses that cause grief aren't just the death of loved ones, they can be loss of innocence, loss of childhood, loss of independence, loss of a once-loved person through divorce, loss of confidence in someone who betrayed your trust, and so on and on and on.

I'm beginning to learn about my food compulsions through OA and through active participation in this forum, and I thank God every day for bringing these wonderful support opportunities with such fabulous, non-judgmental, loving people, into my life.

Christina, your posting this message is a true sign of recovery for you - one of the very first steps we have to take is to admit we've got a problem with food, and to admit it not only to ourselves, but to at least one other human being. The more we do this, the stronger we can become together!

Keep up the good work for yourself, and for all of us!

Christina · 10-06-2004, 08:04 AM

Thanks Guys,

I feel so much better now. I know that we all will have challenges as we shed our cucoon (sp?) and take flight as a butterfly..

I have identified some of the reasons why stress is a very big part of my life and I am taking measures to reduce or eliminate the stress all together. The biggest stress is my job, which I hate. The fact that I have NO Medical Insurance because of my job, and dealing with my Mother on a daily basis is very difficult at times. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and would do anything for her, but it does get very stressful at times and she is very demanding at times as well. I can only do so much ya know? Seems like no matter how much I do it isn't enough or good enough either. She is jealous of my sister and I for having the surgery and knows she wouldn't possibly qualifiy. So she thinks we had it "easy" I try and try to tell her that it is not "easy" at all. She said she knows but I know in the back of her head she's thinking that it is so easy once you have the surgery. I guess she forgot somehow the months and months of constant vomiting, the rushing back into emergency surgery the day after my initial surgery, the open incision I had to pack, the fact that until recently soft foods were the only things I could tollerate, she forgot all that stuff. It's not easy, and anyone that says it is can kiss my bootie!!! LOL

Thank you all for your support, I need you more then you will ever know. I just hope somehow I can be there for you as well. It really feels so great to be there for others as they have been there for me. It's like the circle of life thing, where I give the support I once received.. and continue to recieve. Does that make sense? Anyway I had a blast last night and so did Stuart at Outback so thanks for a great evening of celebrating Gerry's Birthday..

bridgetgirl · 10-07-2004, 10:36 AM

I just posted this really cool article about food vs feelings under Phil's thread about eating and socializing... its a good read, long but good... I had fun at outback too, the look on Gerry's face was priceless when he got the Little House on the Prarie DVD collection! hahaha I just love you guys, anybody that would offer to hold back my hair while I puke (you know who you are) is more than a friend but family!!!! Love ya!