How to Feel Good When Your Life Isn't Perfect - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

brutherford · 10-04-2004, 10:54 PM

(From my work's weekly newsletter.)

How to Feel Good When Your Life Isn't Perfect

Most people have thoughts and dreams about how their lives ought to be. When things don't work out the way they had pictured, they tend to blame other people or situations. They don't realize that the bad feelings come from their own thinking. "When things are bad, people say to themselves, 'Things aren't the way I like them,' and then say, 'That's terrible, that's awful' -- meaning they think things are so bad that they shouldn't or mustn't be that way," says Albert Ellis, Ph.D., the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and author of "Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better." It's normal, however, to have to deal with difficult situations and difficult people as you go through life. Here's how to change your thinking, so you can feel good when your life isn't perfect.

Unconditionally accept yourself. Most people want to do well in order to feel good about them and be loved by the significant people in their lives. But this way of thinking can make you feel crazy. "It's important to accept yourself whether or not you do well and whether people who are important to you love you," says Dr. Ellis. "Don't think, 'I have to do well,' because then, if you don't, you'll worry. Instead, just prefer to do well. Even when people are doing well and being loved by significant people, they worry about tomorrow."

Don’t over-generalize. You can evaluate what you think, feel and do, but don't give yourself a generalized rating. You're like a diamond in the making and have many facets. Some shine brilliantly, and others still need to be polished. "People generalize and say, 'I failed a few times, and I might fail again.’ That's true enough, but then they stupidly over-generalize and say, 'I failed a few times, and I'm a failure.’ You can't be a failure or a success," says Dr. Ellis. "But you can fail at things and be successful at things." Even evaluating yourself as a good person creates stress, because you'll always have to live up to your image and do good things. The truth is that you do thousands of things -- some good, some bad.

Unconditionally accept others. You may get angry with relatives, friends, co-workers or other people because of things they've done. You'll feel far less miserable if you feel disappointed, instead. "You can think, 'I don't like their behavior, but they're fallible humans who sometimes do good and sometimes behave badly. I can accept them and not make myself incensed or furious at them.'” says Dr. Ellis, “You can judge their behavior as bad or wicked, but never judge them, as people, as bad, evil or rotten." This doesn't mean you should tolerate bad behavior. You can still try to get them to change how they behave, but you can do it without anger.

Blueyz · 10-04-2004, 10:58 PM

Barbara,
Very nice article and very helpful especially now when our lives are changing so quickly. Thank you for sharing that with all of us.

Christina · 10-05-2004, 09:40 AM

Barbara,

Thanks for the article. It was very interesting.. puts a great perspective on things.. thanks again.. you're always so helpful.

bridgetgirl · 10-05-2004, 10:14 AM

this article was nice to read because I can understand how it effects me, and I see some of my very own thought processes in this. I.E. "it's important to accept yourself whether or not you do well and whether people who are important to you love you". There are so many pressures in our everyday lives, and I feel like I have to live up to some sort of expectation by people .... those expectations are probably my own, not a bar someone raised for me.

Thanks for the article it assisted me to take a step back and take a look at myself... and realize things arent as bad as they seem.

brutherford · 10-05-2004, 08:21 PM

I'm glad it helped, my little darlings!

Actually, my increasingly littl-ER darlings.

SaturdazeChyld · 05-27-2006, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brutherford

(From my work's weekly newsletter.)

How to Feel Good When Your Life Isn't Perfect

Most people have thoughts and dreams about how their lives ought to be. When things don't work out the way they had pictured, they tend to blame other people or situations. They don't realize that the bad feelings come from their own thinking. "When things are bad, people say to themselves, 'Things aren't the way I like them,' and then say, 'That's terrible, that's awful' -- meaning they think things are so bad that they shouldn't or mustn't be that way," says Albert Ellis, Ph.D., the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and author of "Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better." It's normal, however, to have to deal with difficult situations and difficult people as you go through life. Here's how to change your thinking, so you can feel good when your life isn't perfect.

Unconditionally accept yourself. Most people want to do well in order to feel good about them and be loved by the significant people in their lives. But this way of thinking can make you feel crazy. "It's important to accept yourself whether or not you do well and whether people who are important to you love you," says Dr. Ellis. "Don't think, 'I have to do well,' because then, if you don't, you'll worry. Instead, just prefer to do well. Even when people are doing well and being loved by significant people, they worry about tomorrow."

Don’t over-generalize. You can evaluate what you think, feel and do, but don't give yourself a generalized rating. You're like a diamond in the making and have many facets. Some shine brilliantly, and others still need to be polished. "People generalize and say, 'I failed a few times, and I might fail again.’ That's true enough, but then they stupidly over-generalize and say, 'I failed a few times, and I'm a failure.’ You can't be a failure or a success," says Dr. Ellis. "But you can fail at things and be successful at things." Even evaluating yourself as a good person creates stress, because you'll always have to live up to your image and do good things. The truth is that you do thousands of things -- some good, some bad.

Unconditionally accept others. You may get angry with relatives, friends, co-workers or other people because of things they've done. You'll feel far less miserable if you feel disappointed, instead. "You can think, 'I don't like their behavior, but they're fallible humans who sometimes do good and sometimes behave badly. I can accept them and not make myself incensed or furious at them.'” says Dr. Ellis, “You can judge their behavior as bad or wicked, but never judge them, as people, as bad, evil or rotten." This doesn't mean you should tolerate bad behavior. You can still try to get them to change how they behave, but you can do it without anger.

*Bump* Excellent article.. (Can ya tell I'm at work with nothing to do tonight?) I love exploring into the recesses of this forum. It really is a plethora of excellent info!