"Is it possible to ERASE the past & write a BRAND NEW STORY?!?" - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 05-03-2004, 07:35 AM

Hello my lovelies - I feel moved to share this and I hope that it will have positive impact on those who need it.

I returned from the hospital on Friday, 4/30, at about 11:30 am. Overall, I felt great, just some soreness in my ribcage and queasiness from the Loritab. My husband left to pick up some things from the store that I hadn't gotten - Bugs Bunny chewables, Advil, etc. - and I was slowly wandering around the house, getting a glass of water, picking up the tissue box, etc. My husband always separates his mail from mine, and my pile was lying on the table. On top was a postcard, and I picked it up. Without introduction, the first line read:

"Is it possible to ERASE the past & write a BRAND NEW STORY?!?"

It took a few readings for me to realize that it was from my friend Cici, who, as a singer/songwriter, has an amazing way with words. I read the line a few more times, then just burst into tears. I cried harder than I've cried in a long time, because, unlike every other time in the last few years, I didn't stop myself. I cried for about 45 minutes. Snot flying-coughing- moaning crying.

You see, I'm always good in a crisis - my childhood was one long crisis and I have a lot of experience staying calm and remaining strong. Only after the crisis is over do I get nervous, panicked, and stressed. This came in handy for all of the presentations that I had to do in college, and eventually in my careers. I don't get nervous before speaking in front of groups of up to 200 people. However, as soon as I sit down, my face turns red and my pulse shoots up thinking about how I narrowly escaped disaster.

So, the crying fit was due to so many factors. I had just come out of a dangerous and complicated surgical procedure, and not only had I made it, I was doing great. I realized that I love my life, even with all of the flaws. I love my house, love my dog, love-LOVE my husband, and lord-knows he can be a handful.

I love my sisters, their boyfriends, husbands, and children - they all make me a better person. I love my aunt and her son who have been an amazing influence on my life. I love my father, even though I didn't know much about him until a few years ago. I love my friends, most of which are drama queens, but amazing people nonetheless. And even though I chose not to have a relationship with my mother, two stepfathers, and the remainder of my mother's family, I love them anyway. I even love my boss and my job - both of which I've been trying to convince myself to ditch for over two years.

So, there was all of that, then there was Cici's one sentence:

"Is it possible to ERASE the past & write a BRAND NEW STORY?!?"

I cried because the answer is yes. It is now possible for me to erase the past - erase the childhood abuse; the coping with anger and pain through food; the adolescent rape; the fear of anyone looking at me or (god forbid) finding me attractive; the recognition about 10 years ago that I was almost 300 lbs and that I was absolutely not acceptable; the dieting and the thousands of books, foods, pills, products that never worked; the self help journey, thinking that if I just got my head right, the weight would just roll off

; the years of therapy, confronting my past, rolling around in it, and trying to figure out where to put it; the fear of getting my hopes up when gastric bypass surgery was brought up by my doctor; the fear of being weak, lazy, of not having tried anything to my best ability and now taking the "easy way out"; the fear of knowing the surgery was the best answer for me, and being afraid of wanting it for fear that I would never get it; the fear of being rejected - from the support groups, to the online forums, to the initial consultation, to the lab and psych tests, to the insurance approval; getting allergy congestion pretty bad a week before surgery and the fear of being sent home (which continued until the anesthesia mask was put on my face.)

"Is it possible to ERASE the past & write a BRAND NEW STORY?!?"

Yes.

tracyarps · 05-03-2004, 08:10 AM

OMG! Thank you for that beautiful post. I keep reading it over and over and it makes perfect sence. You are so right and you put into words how I feel. I am greatful for my second chance and I have taken things for granted. I am at a loss for words except Thank You for your post. I got a lot from it.

Mary W · 05-03-2004, 08:50 AM

Barbara,
Your post was wonderful. It touched my heart as I could relate to many of the things you wrote about. I don't think that we can or should ERASE the past, as those experiences both good and bad made us who we are and taught us lessons that we were put here to learn. If we erase the past we must learn them all over again, no thanks!

What we can do is write the rest of the story. My twenties were pretty ugly, glad to have survived them. Made lots of stupid mistakes, went through some pretty heavy drama. I don't want to go back, but I am greatful for the lessons learned. My life now is so wonderful! The experiences in my past has enabled me to appreciate the wonderful life that I have and to weather the storms that happen in life, knowing that storms do pass. I am now in the process of writing the rest of the story! I am in charge of the plot and hopefully the ending. I'm sure there will be many more lessons to learn, but I am enjoying the journey.

Mary

ps. If you get a chance, read Maya Angelou's books "I know why the caged bird sings" etc. They are the most inspirational books about overcoming rough times and becoming the women you were ment to be.

Jacqueline · 05-04-2004, 07:50 AM

I can not believe you put into words everything I have felt or been feeling. My surgery is May 12. and I am scared and excited.
thank you so much

o2bthin · 05-04-2004, 10:31 AM

First of all I just want to say how thankful I am for this forum and for the people who post here.

The question at hand is - SHOULD we erase the past? In one sence I would say NO. What happend made us who we are and as long as we LIKE the person we are, then nomatter how painful the past might be it is OURS. It is what made us who we are.

I don't think it is possible to totally earase the past. What is done is done. We CAN, however, forget the past and start over anew. We can feel strong and proud. This is our chance to start over and become new and confident. Write a new story, YES! But NEVER forget who you are.

deblaff · 05-04-2004, 06:39 PM

Barbara,

Your friend Cici isn't the only one with a way with words! Beautiful post. And, oh how I could relate. My one regret was that I had to wait until I was 55 to have WLS. It wasn't available when I was a young wife and mother. I felt like I had really cheated my husband and 5 children out of the me they deserved. I never had a lap for my kids to sit on or the energy to run and play with them. No, I can't erase that, but I can write a new story and be confident that, over time, they will remember me as I am now, not as I was. How do I know? My 20 year old daughter told me not long ago that she was looking back at photos of her high school graduation, and she said, "There were lots of pics of you, but you know what? I don't recognize that person as you anymore. You're so different, it's hard to remember how you were." Wow! From the mouths of babes, as they say. Happy new beginnings, everyone!

Deb
1/14/03
333/181/150

brutherford · 05-04-2004, 08:26 PM

I'm so glad that so many of you got something out of that post. It was hard for me to write because it was so personal, yet I didn't feel like I could completely express what I was feeling without including all of the details. Thank you all for being so supportive and for allowing me the safety to post that message.

I now see that ERASE seems a bit final, unrealistic, and not necessarily a healthy thing to do. What I didn't include in my post (because it was already a novel

) is that Cici and I are friends through a group called Authentic Voices. Authentic Voices are survivors of childhood abuse and neglect who now volunteer to speak at groups, schools, conferences, media interviews, and other public events throughout the country. Cici uses her music to communicate her message and sings throughout the country to raise awareness and enable others to find their own voice and begin to heal from their experiences. I am the Project Coordinator for the organization that funds and coordinates Authentic Voices. If anyone's interested, they can find out more at www.nationalcalltoaction.org.

I'm not saying all of this to be a plug for the organization, but to just put in some context. Cici and I have discussed almost every angle of what I wrote in my original post - we know eachother's wounds and struggles. When she said ERASE, I know that she was referring to is the overall letting go of those events. Those experiences made me who I am, and as awful as they are, I would actually chose to do them over again if I got the same result. My primary abuser was my first step-father, but he also gave me my two sisters, who I love more than anything in the world, and I would absolutely choose that life over again if it meant having my sisters. However, those events also wrote a script for me in my head - that I was unlovable, horribly ugly and stupid, a whore, and that I should never dare to dream or hope because I didn't deserve anything better. Those thoughts and that script are what Cici's suggesting can be erased; operating my life from the perspective of a victim with all of those handicaps can be erased. This surgery combined with work I'm doing in therapy are making that happen finally at the age of 32.

I want to give you all a great big hug for listening to what my heart pours out and for pouring yours out in return. I'm sure that this has been WAY too touchy-feely for some, but it's exactly the support that I need right now.

Love to you all, B

Tiffany · 05-05-2004, 01:57 PM

We are here to support eachother, that is part of our new lives! There are no limits on what kind of support we are supposed to need day to day. You are wonderful and have such a warm and inspiring way with words and how you express what you feel. Always reach out when you need us! We're here!

Tiff

bridgetgirl · 05-07-2004, 10:30 PM

I love reading your posts. You are so profound with your thoughts. I really enjoy reading what you have to say. Perhaps you should consider writing a book, if you havent started already. I'm sure it would be a hit! You are a fantastic writer. Best of luck to you with ALL that you do.

Bridget
lap 2/9/04
289/227/140? Too skinny? lol

o2bthin · 05-10-2004, 01:41 PM

I know the script of which you speak. I believe I have a similar one, but unfortunatly I don't think I am as at peace or in touch with myself. You have given me a lot to think about. I hope I can erase and re-write a new script as well.

Stay strong. You are awesome.