more friend issues - ThinnerTimes

jonirae319 · 11-30-2005, 12:01 AM

Okay, so I've been wondering about this and that other thread about friendships got me thinking so I'm gonna try to put it into words

At first I was pretty secretive about my surgery. I had one close friend that new it was coming ahead of time, and I told my other closest friends, the ones I see every day, about the surgery right before I had it, because I knew there was no way I could NOT tell them, since I'd disappear for a few days. That's pretty much how it stayed for a little while, but I just went home for the first time since august, so the change in me was pretty dramatic (I had my surgery in july), and so I ended up telling most of the rest of my friends about it. There are still people (especially in my family) that don't know HOW i've lost the weight, but now most of my friends know about it at least to some extent.

Everyone told me how good I look and all that, and they've all been super supportive, no one has really had a negative idea of it, and now that they see I'm more normal with my food (they thought I'd be eating like a freak forever) and that I'm looking better and obviously feeling better, I think they believe it's a healthy choice for me.

The funny thing is, some people that I didn't expect to say much about it at all have talked MORE about it, and been super supportive, while others that are around more often haven't brought it up much. My closest friend talks about it to me all the time--he's interested in the medical aspects a lot-- and the others ask random questions and worry about me a little bit but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be talking about it. Like I shouldn't really talk about the changes I'm going through, and I hate that. I didn't think I'd want to talk about it much, but I need to talk to someone about it who knows me before and sees me now and helps me keep a hold on who I am, because I don't want this to change me in a negative way. Mostly I am in wonder of the things that change, and I want someone to help me figure out how to deal with them. When people treat me differently than they used to, that's something big that I need to discuss, you know? Things like that, especially now that I'm suddenly met with this new aspect of my old boys-that-are-friends suddenly seeing me as a girl-who-could-potentially-be-more-than-a-friend (that's throwing me for a loop---it's nice, but at the same time sort of a slap in the face, you know?) these are things that baffle me and confuse me and I need them discussed, but I feel like everyone will think I'm gloating, or that I'm obsessing or something. It's just all so new, it's hard to not talk about it--it's very much in my everyday thoughts, so it's hard to help.

AND this is a side rant (a rant within a rant, if you will) but I don't know about you guys, but I've never had many options in where I bought my clothes. If I wanted youngish looking clothes, it was pretty much Lane Bryant (which i have ALWAYS HATED) or Torrid (which is too... something... for me) and I wore a lot of jeans and guy's style t-shirts, because that's what fit me. Now, I still wear that, albeit smaller guy's shirts, but still, because that's what I'm comfortable with (and i'm having a hard time fitting into girls' shirts. the pants are fine, but my top won't shrink. XL girls' clothes are SO FREAKING SMALL in mall type stores!) but at the same time there is the part of me that has always wanted to wear fashionable stuff, and be a little trendy. I still like being comfortable, but I want to wear cuter, girlier stuff that I couldn't have before. I want to shop in stores like express and american eagle and pacsun and what not, and be able to wear whatever catches my eye. BUT the one feedback I get from my friends that is negative is that they're afraid I'm going to turn into this entirely other person. Like if I wear nicer clothes I will suddenly be some dumb biatch like the kind we've always hated.

That scares me, because I mean, I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid that as more opportunities open to me I will change in different ways I couldn't before, and I know my friends are a little wary of that too, just because it will inevitably be different--it already is, they already commented about how I'm more confident and what not, and it's true. BUT.... I'm just finally getting to wear clothes that I always would've worn, I just never could. That taste in clothes isn't different, it just seems like it is because I was forced into boringness for most of forever. I'm irked that something like that even occurs to people, but I guess it's pretty obvious when the way I look AND the way I dress change, but that goes hand in hand...

I have no real questions or anything, this has been a long rant, I guess to see if other people have things like this. Do you feel like you shouldn't talk about your surgery, like, do you feel like people think you're just calling attention to yourself? I'm so afraid people think I am going to get a big head or something and it's so not like that, if anything i'm just as self conscious because I know people are taking note of all the differences... ahhhh I don't know, sorry that was sooooo long

Bypassingme619 · 11-30-2005, 06:35 AM

You seem to have alot on your chest. You seem like you are surround by so many people but yet still so alone in your WLS journey. It is hard to get people to understand what it is you are going through. Know I want you to ask your self his question, the changes you are going through are they a bad thing? Don't fight the change if it will benfit you in the long run. It seems like you are worried about what your friends will think of your changes, to be honest and please do not take this wrong but this is about you. When the dest has settled and the hormones are back in place your real friends will still be standing by your side. Sometimes things are just not meant to be understood but supported by the people who say they love us. Honey let me tell you, if these are your real friends you should be able to open up about your Journey and share what is going on with you about the progress you are having. If you can't share that with your friends who can you share it with? I think after being the MO person for so long we get caught up in playing the background, away from the spotlight, so when that spotlight starts to shine on us we don't know how to handle it. Girlfriend you shine like the star you are. Hopefully in time you will be at some peace with obese woman image you seem to kind of hold onto. Take some time out for you and sit down and write out what you want, how you would like to be treated as appose to how you use to be treated. Sometimes a lot of you time is needed to get your mind right about all the changes you are going through. I hope all works out.

lealphachienne · 11-30-2005, 07:11 AM

At 22, you're still way young enough to be trendy and wear fashionable clothing. Heck, at 32, that's what I'm doing. Hoochy mama all the way at times! There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to dress nice and wearing clothes that are nicely tailored to fit. The difficulty is in finding them in smaller sizes. Many retailers are catering to the larger, averaged sized woman that wears 14-16. I'm a petite size 2.....children's are too short, junior's too long, ladies/misses don't have enough hip room and are boring. I do a lot of hemming!

Also, at 22, you are still trying to find yourself. You have to change many things about yourself to be happy with who you are. It's inevitable. Even without surgery, as you mature, things change. Change is a good thing, not something to shy away from. If you don't evolve, you become stagnant. Those that are afraid of your changes are generally the ones who are the most afraid and insecure about themselves. You are going from a catapiller to a butterfly. That's a big process. Enjoy it, work the through whatever agony that it may cause. Stay true to yourself and wonderful things can happen.

bridgetgirl · 11-30-2005, 09:16 AM

Its is very typical at around 6 months out ya hit a funk. Very typical. The thing is you have changed SO much, but yet your not where you want to be physically. Its like your stuck. Then you start self analyzing because around this time its typical to be critical of yourself.... I just wanted to let you know that what you are going through is totally normal!

Friendships: Things change, and so do you. Your attitude changes. You have a new found confidence, and are more open minded. You also become more offensive, always worrying about what others are thinking during your metamorphis. Whether it be your friends, family or a waiter. Its on our minds constantly how we are being percieved.
The guys who were buddies before, may have always flirted with you when you were heavy, but you were in denial to accept it. Maybe laughing it off when they paid you a compliment, or what not. But now your confidence is up, heck why wouldnt they want you? Your wonderful, smart, attractive and fun to be around... you have always been those things to them.

regarding fashion: There is fashionable, and trendy and there is WAY too young for ya. I like to think that Im very fashionable and up on trends, but there are some things that I just cant wear because Im not a youngster. Mid riffs- forget about it! Low rise jeans-totally okay! Just make sure when you put your "gear" on its something you would feel comfortable in if you were at a family picnic, now club gear thats a different story. Clubbing clothes should only be worn to the club or perhaps Denny's at 3am!

In 6 more months, things will be so much more clear for you. You will make friends and lose friends, but remember you cant please all the people all the time. Do what makes you happy-thats whats in YOUR best interest! (( HUGS ))

ValenP · 11-30-2005, 01:01 PM

Jonirae I'm going through the same thing about guys and some of my friends, it's so good that you brought up the issue.
even though I'm just 3 months out things with some of my guy friends are getting really strange, I'm getting really overwhelmed and embarrassed with some of their comments or when all of the sudden they have become way more touchy feely with me. I'm not used to these kinds of things, and it kinda makes me mad that they didn't think that way when I was heavier, it's like they just want me for my body. There's a lot of stuff going on in my head regarding relationships, I don't have, and never had one so sometimes I just don't know what to do I feel so weird about them right now because pre op my mind just knew that I was never gonna get a boyfriend because of my weight, but now that eveything's changing what??

Mavisavis · 11-30-2005, 05:04 PM

Man, I gotta run.....but I didn't get to read and think about this thread, so I gotta say something or I might forget to find it so I can read it.

bridgetgirl · 11-30-2005, 05:13 PM

Check this out, preoperativelt my best friend was a guy, Dante. He used to flirt with me, and pay me compliments all the time. He was my best friend and he loved me, I saw it as flirting-not as "he totally wants to get with me". But never the less we were very close, for 10 years. After surgery he was still the same way, but then he came at me totally hands on. It creeped me out, I asked him to stop and told him I looked at like a brother and nothing more.
It got to the point where I was afraid to fall asllep in the same house as him, i had to stop talking to him altogether because he disrespected me in a BIG way..... again TOTALLY creeping me out.

I think the attraction is always there with your male buddies, but when we are large we APPEAR intimidating, as you get smaller you look softer and people have a tendency to be more attracted to that kind of appearance.

Are we ever satisified with member of the opposite sex's reactions to our change? I mean our good friends get touchy feely and we get all ticked off, then you run into an ex and they dont say anything, like the way you look now is no big deal, and again were upset about that too.

Our problem? I think we THINK to friggin' much!

Just keep on keepin on, know your boundaries, accept nothing less, and do what makes YOU happy!

coptergirl · 11-30-2005, 05:18 PM

Thre are seasons in life for everything: friendships included. I had a best friend, and we were attached at the hip...for a season. Then life got in the way, and I got married, then she got married, and we sort of drifted, but when we talk its as if we talk everyday. If these people claim to be your firneds, but they aren't treating you as a friend ouht to treat you, let them go. If the friendship was meant to be, they'll be back simply because they miss YOU.

I am sending you big hugs. I know this is a tough time for you, but we are all here to support, love, and encourage you. Hang in there sweetie...you are doing an amazing act of love towards yourself in going through this process!!!

ValenP · 11-30-2005, 06:18 PM

yeah I just realized something, like bridget said we just think too much!! all of our lives worrying what other people think, after the surgery it's like you're ready to open up, I'm ready to enjoy my youth, to stop caring about what other people think, if they're jealous or don't understand what we've been through, if they say that we're too thin or still fat(how rude that'd be) it doesn't matter. We had WLS because we care about ourselves. Nothing better than that happy feeling about yourself because of YOUR change (not theirs). Let's just all enjoy our lives!

jonirae319 · 12-01-2005, 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ValenP

Jonirae I'm going through the same thing about guys and some of my friends, it's so good that you brought up the issue.
even though I'm just 3 months out things with some of my guy friends are getting really strange, I'm getting really overwhelmed and embarrassed with some of their comments or when all of the sudden they have become way more touchy feely with me. I'm not used to these kinds of things, and it kinda makes me mad that they didn't think that way when I was heavier, it's like they just want me for my body. There's a lot of stuff going on in my head regarding relationships, I don't have, and never had one so sometimes I just don't know what to do I feel so weird about them right now because pre op my mind just knew that I was never gonna get a boyfriend because of my weight, but now that eveything's changing what??

Yeah, all of that is incredibly frustrating. half of me enjoys all the new attention and the other half of me is so utterly disgusted that I have to go through all of this in order to even get attention in the first place, but i keep telling myself that that is all side effects from making me what i want me to be... after all, i think if things weren't changing in that area I'd be just as annoyed, you know? ahhhh