No longer pretending - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Christina · 07-27-2004, 11:37 AM

You know how people say that "fat" people are always so funny and jolly? Well we all know why that is don't we? We hide behind our jolliness and smiles. You pretend to be happy, and for me I always thought I actually was. That was until the other day. I was in my truck driving down the road and realized that NOW I am truly happy.. not pretending. I am exstatic!! I guess I wasn't very happy before, and I too was pretending. How ironic that I though I was truly happy and I wasn't. I have always compensated for my feelings of inadequacy through humor and/or shyness. Now I feel like a butterfly spreading my wings for the first time and really learning how to fly. It's amazing! I feel like a kid again. I feel like the world is my oasis. It's an incredible feeling. Especially since I am only half way to my goal. However, I am not complaining.. I am truly happy. For the first time in such a long time I actually feel like a woman, like a girl. I don't have to pretend to be masculine since I am so large. Don't get me wrong.. I still have plenty to lose but I am seeing my efforts paying off for the first time and I am thrilled.

It's not the looks I get or the attention from strangers who never knew me that make me so happy.. it's the way I preceive myself. I finally see myself as a person and not some fat lazy slob who is just going through the motions of life. That was a huge step for me. Dr. Callery gave me my life.. and not just in the physical sense.. but in the spiritual sense.. I feel like I matter again. And let me tell you.. my friends.. feels amazing!

My Mom was rushed by ambulance to the hospital yesturday and I called Stuart and let him know we were on our way in and.. A BIG THANK YOU TO STUART!! He got her in and taken care of right away. She's ok.. nothing wrong .. false alarm I guess. But anyway there were three other people that I ran into that I use to work with as well. The first one was Larry the EKG Tech and he came in the room and kind of looked at me like he knew me but wasn't sure if that was really me.. and when I finally said "Hi Larry!" he said you look so different.. I said maybe cause I've lost 78 lbs.. lol He started laughing and said that's it but I was afraid to say anything.. you know how women are about their weight and I didn't want you to think I THOUGHT you were fat before.. lol Does that mean he doesn't see me as being fat now?? hmmm dunno. He's a nice guy though. Then I saw Rick the ER Nurse and as I was walking my Mother to the restroom he looked me in the eye and was unsure for a minute until I smiled and he said "oh hey how are you doing?" and he kept looking me up and down for a minute. LOL I guess he noticed even though I wasn't in scrubs? lol Then I saw Sarah an ER Nurse and she didn't even recognize me at all.. LOL I said Hi Sarah.. and she smiled but didn't really respond. How funny is that?? I haven't changed that much but still I guess I have.. And of course Stuart recognized me ..

He called on my cell phone and told me that my Mom was back there already .. of course he was nice enough to put her in his station. Then he came out and walked me back.. how sweet.. thanks friend! Then he checked on us a couple times.. oh and big thanks for the warm blankets (which I stole one from my Mom) LOL and of course just thanks for EVERYTHING and for being so nice Stuart!!!

Well this is my story.. sorry it is so long and boring to all ya'll but it is just amazing how I feel like my cocoon is being torn away and this butterfly is emerging. Of course going out with Bridget didn't hurt any by helping me get out of my shell.. lol

Blueyz · 07-27-2004, 12:54 PM

Christina,
That is such a wonderful post. Your posts are never boring , so don't ever think that, ok? I hope your mom is ok.
You look great girlfriend and I am happy you are a beautiful butterfly out of your cocoon.

Christina · 07-27-2004, 12:56 PM

Dale,

Thanks for your reply. You are too sweet..

Bigbaldbuddie · 07-27-2004, 01:38 PM

Christina,

Great story and view point. KEEP UP THE OPTIMISM!

that's what's keeps us going through the day.

bridgetgirl · 07-27-2004, 03:08 PM

I totally feel what you mean! Especially about "hiding" behind being a tough/strong girl because I was large before.. ahem or just big boned HAHAHA!! I was talking to Dante (my best friend for any of you who dont know) about these same feelings I was having. I told him it was weird being "attractive" now.... he told me that I have always been attractive, but he felt that I have such a higher level of confidence and esteem and THAT'S what people are finding attractive. Ya know walking tall, looking at people, smiling, not pulling your eyes away when someone sees you looking at them.... I thought it was profound.
That was a very nice thing for you to say about me, your such a sweetie. Hey I do what I can to have a good time, and you know Christina and Tonya I have no fear about being embarassed, I just wanna have fun and enjoy "the new me!" It's like I said in a post before... i just want the inside to be better as well... uninhibited, not shy, vulnerable and outgoing. I have outgrown "being tough" .... Christina you are there sister girl with all the waving and winking you've been doing on the freeway lately! Stay sweet ... keep posting, YOU could never be a bore! Im glad to hear your mom is A O.K.!

Hey regarding the sleep ... you'll sleep when your dead! LOL Miss your face!
"You sure are one fine specimen! " hahahaha See ya!

Mary W · 07-27-2004, 03:30 PM

That is the one thing that my husband keeps saying to me. "you are so happy now!". It is amazing how we didn't even realize how unhappy we were until we started to shed the weight and feel like ourselves. Good luck on your journey.

Love ya

Christina · 07-27-2004, 03:46 PM

Dale, Gerry, Bridget, and Mary,

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. You're right, Mary we didn't realize how miserable we were before we shed our old bodies. Even though I am only half way there.. let me tell you I feel so much better. I have more confidence then I have had probably my whole life.. and I am not saying that the whole confidence thing came from just my weight loss surgery.. It also came from my new found friendships that have developed from it. I have met the most wonderful, loving, thoughtful, and caring people through this whole process. The first person I met was Jeana who is absolutely wonderful and I love her to death.. then I started attending meetings and I met Julianna, Lee (Jeana's Mom), Janet & Ed (Her Husband), Karen, Tracie, Sandi & John, Crystal, Bridget, DaleM, Dale (new thinner dale), Suzanne, Jean, talked to Grayce several times, Tonya, Gerry, Bill, Troy, I already knew Stuart from before but Hi again, I already knew Tiffany .. hey girl how you doing?? Marie, and I so know I am missing some people here and I am sorry but there are so many people who have influenced my life and enhanced it just for being in it and I thank you all. You all have been so wonderful to me and I love you for it. Without the support and love that this forum and the groups have within them I think I would be a mess.. but I know I have also grown as a person and done some of the self work on myself.. I'm just saying that the happiness is there but the weight loss is not the only reason for it. Heck without Bridget I wouldn't have gone out the other night and spread my wings like a little butterfly..

Thanks girl!!!

Woody · 07-27-2004, 05:53 PM

Hi Christina,

Your post moved me to write this reply. Prior to joining thinnertimes, things were a bit different for me. I had worked very hard for almost 30 years as a traveling salesman. Most of my social life centered on entertaining customers. When I hurt my back, I was immobile. That made it fairly difficult to have a social life at all. As my back slowly improved, we began to investigate the surgery. It was at that time that we joined the thinnertimes community. We began to become friends with the other members of thinnertimes. Thus began another chapter of our social life. We made some great new friends. Dale (NewthinDale), Deb, Bethie and Frank, Mud, Barb, Caprice, Suzanne, David and Mary, Karen Johnson, Neta, Karla (who helped organize our farewell party) and others. Our activities centered around the the monthly meetings with get-togethers afterwards. We really enjoyed our new found social life. We had friends with much in common who didn't judge us. We all did the 'ol hospital visits and much of the same things that go on these days. Unfortunately, most of those people have since gone their seperate ways. Moving to Las Vegas didn't help our social life much either. It's very difficult to make new friends in a new city. There are no support groups here (That we have found). I'm almost sad to say that this board is about the extent of my social life. Even so, I often feel like an outsider since we are not able to join in on any of the social activities.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I can totally relate when you talk about this group and how it has become such a wonderful part of your life. I really do miss it. Oh well, enough of my pity party. Take care and enjoy yourself.

bridgetgirl · 07-27-2004, 06:18 PM

I think we need to organize a trip to Las Vegas! Whadda ya say gang? Right now you can fly to Las Vegas for $39 each way!!! Party over there!!! Or we could all go in on a RV and have a super party all the way there! I think the idea sounds swell! it's my feeling Woody, we will get something together and visit one of these days... hold on to your hat, we are one wild and crazy bunch!

watergirl · 07-27-2004, 07:24 PM

Great post. Heart felt! Forever inspiring! Bask in the glory of your accomplishments!