Hippy Shake

Wow, some harsh judgments here. And yeah, true, it is screwed up. You've got yourself in quite a situation. But, I'm not judging YOU.

WLS is a pretty weird thing. There are a lot of factors going on. Here's what I see: as a fat woman, you were used to being treated like crap. You were used to being ignored and looked down upon and treated like you were not as worthy. You were used to being accepted only by trying to make other people happy.

And then you lose all that weight, and you look gorgeous (and you do!) and suddenly you are playing on a whole different game board, still not even sure of the rules or what all the pieces are for.

Now guys want YOU. And you want to give them what they want because you are used to giving what others want. And it feels so good to be wanted and treated like you are beautiful and desirable after all this time of not feeling that way. And throw into that mix the sex hormones that are released with weight loss, and then, then add alcohol and (?) and the overly sexualized party bar scene, and an eating disorder that is side-lined due to the WLS but is still waiting to come out in one behaviour or another...

People can be judgmental, but you are one of many post ops who get themselves into complicated and unhealthy relationship/sex issues. So, yeah, I don't think you are bad or wicked, just in way over your head after making some stupid choices in the moment. Even the whole idea of getting back together with bf in a bid to get your best friend and her bf together shows how lost and in denial but also well-meaning you are.

You aren't ready to commit to a marriage. There's just no way. You aren't ready to commit to a relationship at this time with anyone but yourself. Be honest with yourself, at least, and know that. Breaking up is really hard, and way easier to avoid, but I absolutely believe you need to do it with both men. Create a safety plan around the bf - considering the safest way for where you will do it, where you will go afterwards, etc. I don't know what is available in your area, but I would believe that the local crisis line or women's safe house could guide you to someone who can help come up with a safety plan.

Good luck.

Oh, and this? This coming on here and putting yourself out there for shame and punishment? That's the addiction talking. Being shamed and punished by yourself and others is not going to make anything better. You need to take stock and make plans to get to a healthier place in your life. Good luck again.

Josephine

Let's drive the nails in deeper please.

Sounds to me like she's in love with two men, in different ways, but lacks the life experience to know how to deal with it. Are we all really such perfect people that have never made relationship mistakes?

I think the advice to take a break from dating for the next 6 months is a good one. The guy that loves you will wait for you Tara. You can spend that 6 months discovering yourself and your self worth. You gotta do that. Find your strength before you tie yourself down to a man that you have doubts about.

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Jeanie

OK I'm confused does the finace know about the bf? If not I'm with the other girls that you should tell him. Here is my reason for it. Why move yourself to another state for someone that will find out (they always find out) what you did and possibly dump you then you are left in a place to be all alone. Do you have a job in FL or are you going to be totally dependant on him? It would be so much harder on you to get out there and be left alone with no one. Yea you messed up & what you did was wrong but people make mistakes. You do need to make sure he is what you really want & you are not just feeling guilty for all you did. You need to do whats going to make you happy even if it is hurting people you care about in the long run.
As for the bf with the threats please don't take those lightly. He did what he could to hurt pepole the last time you broke up, and I would think that he would be even more pissed if you moved away. Just make sure you protect yourself first.

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Lap Dr. Callery
July 7, 2004
Savanna Annmarie was born on 10/14/2008

Delane

This whole situation is really scary. To me it just goes to show how someone who was heavy and had major issues, can then go off the deep end. I acually feel sad for you in so many way's. Even though I think you own complete responsibility for all the lie's you told.

You have got to come clean, you can't move to Florida and act as though nothing has happened. A marriage has to be built on trust. You have got to break this cycle now, or your gonna be in for a life time of trouble. And sister thats one Life Time movie you don't want.

WLS surgery does change you in so many way's, I will admit I have gained so much confidence, and I have enjoyed the attention that I have received. However I made a comitment to my husband, and I owe him the respect that he deserves. Even though its nice to get hit on, and to know that other men find your sexy or attractive, doesn't mean that its ok to go HOG WILD.

You have to stay true to yourself, or you are going to be a train wreak waiting to happen. You really need to see a therapist.

And your man in Florida really deserves the TRUTH. Give him the respect he deserves. Also give yourself the respect you deserve. Your worth more that what you are allowing yourself.

I hope things work out for you, and that things end well.

Best of luck to you. Delane

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Phatlady

I got that the fiancee did know after she admitted to lying and covering for her bff and all hell broke lose.
All things point to her not having found her true self and not being able to keep up with her new exterior.
She needs to step back from all this drama and reevaluate.
She isn't just pretty, she appears to be stunning!
And I am sure men are falling at her feet.
But, I am completely worried that she mentioned the threat of physical abuse. No threat should ever be taken lightly and if she felt a need to let that slip, she is aware that there is something unsettling about this guy. And I would guess it is not the only abusive thing that has happened between them.
As for the finance, I think since she has experienced a much more exciting and fulfilling relationship with the BF and the fact that she has continued back two timing him after breaking up with the BF once, tells me she is NOT ready to commit to the fiance and will likely repeat this behavior over and over as she has not done the work for herself that she needs to.
I, too was skinny and attractive once many moons ago (Stopped eating for six months and went down to 145 pounds), and I could not get the men off of me and it was a head trip. You are the same person inside but boys want your body, HUH?!
The mental health part of this is so important.

cali4ialuv

I'm amazed daily at how judgmental people can be and therefore rarely post comments. Even when someone asks for advice, you don't have to make them feel worse. You know what you've done is wrong. Forgive yourself and move on. Don't draw it out, as you can't change what's occurred. Learn from the mistake and get on with being healthy & happy. Take advantage of the rewards this surgery has given you. I just don't think beating your self up for this is going to change things. You have to be sincere when seeking forgiveness. This loosing weight thing is a trip, and there are many things that go on with us, that we've never experienced. This comes from someone whose been with her husband for 22 years, and committed. I must admit, that I truly enjoy the attention I get from men, even though my hubby compliments me all day long, and makes me feel very sexy. I understand how certain things can come into play if you allow yourself to get caught up. Therefore, I don't put myself in situations where I could be tested. (Just being honest.) So, move on, focus on your health, and don't make any major decisions in the near future. I pray that you find the strength and courage to get through this crazy time.

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Tina
June 30, 2003
LAP/RNY Dr. Callery
Surgery Date 294
Tummy tuck January 30, 2009
Current 152

Laureate

I'm in complete agreement with Josephine (and yes, I've made my share of relationship mistakes).

A young beautiful woman like you is still finding out who she is after this surgery and transformation. Give yourself more time to figure that out and don't tangle anyone else up for now.

You've admitted your mistakes. See what you can learn from them.

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Terri
Over 50 BMI Member No. 9

Cigna approval for LAP RNY surgery: 9/4/09
Pre-op consult: 10/15/09
Pre-op tests: 10/21/09
Surgery date: 10/26/09!!

Highest weight: 319
Surgery weight: 287
Current weight: 269
Goal weight: To be determined, but probably 175ish
Other goals: To get back on the tennis court and back in my kayak again!

soon2bthin

I dont think any of us were claiming to be perfect in love. Hell none of us are. But the whole story was a tad hard to follow.

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Cassie




252/150/137

RNY July 30, 2007

SanDiegoWM

"SO- now I'm stuck. I'm moving the 2nd week of December and he has noooooo idea. I've got to get out of this without making him go psycho and ruin everything that has been fixed. "

Wow girl you have made a big mess. You need to stop and take a real hard look at this.

• Do you really love the man you cheated on?
  
• If so why did you cheat?
  
• Does he know all and still want you?
  
• Why are you being destructive to your relationship?
  
• Are you trying to break your own heart before he can?
  
• Now the hardest thing, compare the two men. Which one measures up to what you really want in a partner? List 10 things you must have in a partner, and 10 you can't live with.
  
• Are you with the right man?
  
• Are you ready to get married?
  
• Are there issues you are not facing?
  
• Are you creating Chaos?
  
• Does chaos make you feel alive?
  
• Try to be quite and reflect on what has been going on. Ask why did I do this or that, and keep asking why until you uncover the answer. The 5 whys are a great why to focus in on a issue your having a difficult time pin pointing.

Self discovery is important to grow.
This is just my two cents... no harm or judgement ment.... I hope you work it all out. Good luck. I tend to go with "the truth will set you free." Once again good luck.

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San Diego Woman
WLS on 8/28/07
272/144/135-150
Highest/Current/Goal

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has ANY FAITH in GOD should be ASHAMED to worry about anything whatsoever." Mahatma Gandhi

jerseygrl684

Tara- I think that you exhibited GIANT red flags very early out with this surgery. Your obession with the quick weight loss, your obession with pleasing your mother in law, and a few other things threw a red flag up. Sadly, I saw this coming.. but it is something that no one but YOU could have stopped or prevented. I feel bad because I wish you would have gotten the mental help a lot earlier. I've always said this and I will stick by this; this surgery is much much more mental than it is physical.

For the people crying harshness, she asked what people thought and people gave her their honest opinion. Cheating/lying/boozing it up are big trigger points post-op and maybe even pre-op for some. Some of us have been cheated on and lied to, so I'm sure it brings up a lot of old (or maybe even new) emotions.

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Age: 25/5ft 2 .Lap RNY- 11.26.07
248/227-highest & day of surgery
109(eek)-current


Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies!- HOUSE

hit my doctor goal 6/30/08/100lbs lost *5.23.08/ONEDERLAND 1.5.08