Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.Browning
I just want to clarify if I was not clear from the original post.
I don't think God would be disapproving of WLS. I just feel guilty b/c I sometimes think that God would want me to worry about other things and not my weight.
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Ah! Thank you for clarifying that. I often feel guilty about obsessing about wanting the surgery, about wanting to change (yes I want to do it for health reasons, but if I am honest there is a bit of me that vainly wants to be 'normal sized' and attractive). And for me anything that takes my attention away from my family obligations (especially onto me) feels especially sinful.
So I guess that yes, I feel guilty at times too, though I firmly believe that it is irrational. I guess a small part of me still feels like if I was 'good enough' or 'committed enough' I wouldn't need surgery. But I felt the same way about turning to weight watchers and atkins and the cabbage soup diet. I felt guilty and somehow like a failure everytime I couldn't just eat like a normal person and not balloon up. Rather like I have been cursed with this burden and am somehow a failure for not being strong or perfect enough. No doubt when I am in pain and exhausted and nauseated after surgery there will be a part of me that will take it as penance for my weakness there too. (Good ole Catholic guilt...) The maschocistic part of me loves the lash.
Please understand that I recognize that these are MY issues and may not reflect your feelings.
I also realize that by focusing on my family all these years I have been able to neglect myself with impunity, which was easier than changing. So it is all muddled in my head.
Part of the disease for me is working through the psychological and spiritual complexities that have contributed to it. But I honestly believe that the problem is in me, and not with my relationship to God. Rationally, I believe that my obesity is a disease (some of body and some of mind). I would never presume to tell someone with a disease that it was sinful to seek medical help. In fact, it seems sinful NOT to. So why am I so hard on myself? What makes me think that I am any better than anyone else? I totally appauld anyone who seeks WLS.
As to the obsessive thoughts about weight loss and the surgery, I *hope* that it is part of the healing. After all, it is a life-changing event that I will need to journey through to a place where I have a healthier relationship with food and with my own body. In my present state I feel like I am not a good witness to God's grace - more an advertisement for gluttony and sloth.
With such negative self-feelings is it any wonder I'd rather ignore me and focus on others? Ugh.
I have a long way to go before I am 'healed'. The surgery is a tool, but the real battle is between my ears and in my heart.
My apologies if this respons came across as negative and heavy. This is just something I've really been struggling with too. I'm actually rather grateful for the six month diet my insurance requires as it is forcing me to spend some time sorting these things out with my priest, my counselor, and my nutritionist (who has been surprisingly helpful on this matter!)
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