My mother...lack of support - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

GracieBelle · 10-05-2009, 09:09 PM

It's so disapointing to read when a parent doesn't support their children. It's easy to say, "don't worry about them! They're stupid & don't know what they're saying!" But, it's little comfort when the negativity just keeps on rollin out over you again and again. I think one has to decide whether or not that persons opinion is right or wrong and whether or not you should let it affect your day to day life. If you can resolve yourself in the belief that others (no matter how significant in your life they are), will have their own opinions & that they may differ from yours, YOU are entitled to yours & the freedom to choose your own path in life. Deciding you don't need others approval, could be the most 'freeing' thing you do. You can still love them (faults & all) & you can tell them when they hurt you. Maybe when the dynamics of the relationship change, they may come round a little more to your way of thinking. At least, it could change the pattern that has formed over years of repetition. Good luck to everyone, and I LOVE YOU and you should all love yourselves too. Mmmmwwwaaaahhh!

mlwberger · 10-05-2009, 10:11 PM

Gracie...thank you!!!! You said it perfectly! I am going to work on this starting now!

GracieBelle · 10-05-2009, 11:43 PM

your're welcome. anytime. :-)

Josephine · 10-06-2009, 12:59 AM

I don't know if I'm finally hallucinating from the lack of sleep or what, but Gracie, that sounded like beautiful poetry. You have an amazing spirit.

I guess I'm very blessed. Both of my parents have been supportive. So much so that my mother can't shut her big fat trap even tho I have said it's a secret til I'm ready to tell who I will when I will. I cannot even imagine if they would shut me out because I wanted to be healthy??

odonnela · 10-06-2009, 04:25 AM

I'm not making excuses for some of your mothers because
some of them sound pretty evil. But I think some opposition
might come from ignorance. My best friend had RNY over 2
years ago and I had no idea what it was. I was thinking of the 800
lb people on TV and thinking gee thats pretty drastic why would
you do that. So my mom said please promise me you won't ever
do that to yourself - so of course I promised at that time.
1.5 years later - I was looking at Lap Band. My mom was supportive.
But when I changed to RNY she was very worried about my
future health. When I gave her some info on the procedure she
then became one of my biggest fans. She is a size 16 and I am
pre-op but she has already started setting aside clothes she no
longer wants instead of donating them so I can have them
when I am that size (praying I get that size!! Even now a
16 seems so small to me!!). She loves to cook so every time she
has us for dinner she asks me could I eat that after surgery and
I'll tell her sure I'd just leave the potato, or I'd eat around the pasta,
ect. So I am not saying this is the case with all of your moms but
maybe just maybe if your mom understands more about the
procedure she will come around.

Apelover46 · 10-06-2009, 05:37 AM

I still can't put my finger on it. When I met with the psych doc, he asked me if anyone I knew would try to sabotage me, I said without hesitation, my mother. It's not really sabotage, but it's something. Like a lot of people here, I've dieted for many, many years. It wasn't until about a year ago, that it dawned on me...every time I start a diet, I want to disconnect myself from my mother. I find ways to get angry with her so that I can avoid talking to her. At 46, I must be finally maturing, because I think I'm getting it. I'm not quite there yet, but I think my mother just loves to talk about herself. I wouldn't say she was selfish. In fact, she is very giving. I guess that's why I have a hard time saying she's egotistical or in love with herself...but most times we talk, I can't get a word in edgewise. I will try to comment on something she is saying, and she talks right over me like she can't hear me...oh, but she can hear. If I do manage to get in some new and interesting news, she loves to change the subject on me...from me to her. Maybe she's seeking some kind of validation of her own life and when I try to talk about something that is improving mine, she is (jealous?)?? Mom is 600 miles away. We talk on the phone daily. mom freaks out if she can't get ahold of me for more than a day. It's never questions...it usually goes like this: "me, me, my dogs, me, my friends, me, do you know what your sister did?, me, my boyfriend is so WONDEFUL, me". I hate to admit this, but sometimes when she's talking, I set the phone down and do other things. She honestly can go on for literally 15 or 20 minutes without stopping. She doesn't even breathe! She goes from one subject right into the next without even a pause. Every now and then, she comes up for air and says, "are you there?"....I say yes, mother, I'm just listening....Sometimes, when I get tired, I say...Mom, are you done? And then she'll simply say, "yes, goodbye".

divinemommy · 10-06-2009, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by odonnela

I'm not making excuses for some of your mothers because
some of them sound pretty evil. But I think some opposition
might come from ignorance. My best friend had RNY over 2
years ago and I had no idea what it was. I was thinking of the 800
lb people on TV and thinking gee thats pretty drastic why would
you do that. So my mom said please promise me you won't ever
do that to yourself - so of course I promised at that time.
1.5 years later - I was looking at Lap Band. My mom was supportive.
But when I changed to RNY she was very worried about my
future health. When I gave her some info on the procedure she
then became one of my biggest fans. She is a size 16 and I am
pre-op but she has already started setting aside clothes she no
longer wants instead of donating them so I can have them
when I am that size (praying I get that size!! Even now a
16 seems so small to me!!). She loves to cook so every time she
has us for dinner she asks me could I eat that after surgery and
I'll tell her sure I'd just leave the potato, or I'd eat around the pasta,
ect. So I am not saying this is the case with all of your moms but
maybe just maybe if your mom understands more about the
procedure she will come around.

Really good advice!! A Lot of people I tell have no clue about the procedure, they assume a lot of things, once I start telling them then they nod and start to feel comfortable with it. My mom is hillarious b/c she was a little hesitant but jokes with me while grabbing her spare tire "hey I wonder if I can qualify" mind you my mom is "overweight" but not morbidly obese as I am.
Sometimes moms are overbearing and don't mean to be. Honestly when my mom gives me crap its b/c she is actually worried for me underneath....

laurajh · 10-06-2009, 08:20 AM

I’m only one month into my 6 month supervised diet, and I’m getting the same crap from my mother. I don’t know why she’s so against my doing this. She’s not the jealous type so I’m sure it’s not that. I think she’s just afraid for me. I don’t think she understands that the surgeries of today aren’t the same as the riskier procedures of many years ago.

She keeps saying that all I need to do is...(do I really need to finish this sentence?)….yah, stop eating so much and get off the couch. To which I say “lead the way, ma.” (she’s not morbidly obese, but is overweight AND diabetic, and yet I don’t see her putting her money where her mouth is). She still eats sugar and everything! It’s so easy to tell someone else to do something they’re not willing to do themselves, isn’t it.

She’s not being mean about it, but it IS starting to really rub me the wrong way. It’s getting to the point where I’m about ready to have to get tough and tell her that I’m preparing to go through some dramatic changes and that I need support and respect, I don’t have any room in my life for negativity at a time like this. So if she isn’t going to support me then we don’t need to discuss it anymore and going forward to please keep her opinions to herself.

I also have a friend that I know will absolutely blow a gasket when she finds out what I’m doing, and this is someone that’s HAD the surgery. It was indirectly made clear once when I half-heartedly threw it out there that maybe I should consider doing it, that it’s not right to be allowed surgery until you practically can’t fit through doors anymore. (um…it’s not your criteria to set and I qualify as far as the medical world is concerned so shut up).

I’ve had it. If you aren’t going to be there for me in a positive and respectful manner then get out of my way!

GracieBelle · 10-06-2009, 09:29 PM

I think these Mom's/friends etc., are displaying fear. You will change, & that scares them. Atm, they know who & what you are, & where the relationship sits. Sub-consciously, they are becoming aware that you will not only physically change, that you will change emotionally, spiritually & mentally (thx Dr Phil). Then, where will they sit? Perhaps you were 'down there' & they were a step above. This may change & it upsets their world. These types of people base their self worth on where they 'sit' in relationships with others. If things change, they don't know how to handle it. Apelover46 has a mom who clearly has a job for her; to listen to her talk about herself all day to make herself feel good, with not much concern at all for how her daughter is going. If Apelover46 became unavailable to her, she'd find someone else (usually someone too polite to disengage). I think many of us are the 'nice' person; the one who will always listen & accommodate others because we are unselfish. It might feel selfish at first to not accomodate these people, but, you can gently & quite fairly, disengage from them & the behavour that is negatively effecting you. If we re-read what we've written above, & assess it as if it were someone else's words, what advice would we give?

Laureate · 10-07-2009, 05:55 AM

I'm fascinated by the whole change-of-relationship thing, between family or anybody else after wls. An acquaintance recently told me she had a friend who had the surgery, and afterward, her friend wasn't as funny and fun to be around anymore.

I gently explained that often obese people fall into a comedic or support role because it seems to be the only acceptable place for them in society. Being freed of excess weight, they are also freed to try on other roles that are more in keeping with who they really are.

I could see lightbulbs going off in her head. I think the acquaintance actually got the point. Don't know if it will change things for her old friend, but at least there was some understanding.