Plain in simple.. I just need help - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

buddy67217 · 10-02-2009, 08:34 AM

Okay..i'll try to keep this post short; i don't know where else to go; not even sure why i would put this out there for complete strangers but i need anything at this point; i have been married 18+ years, to a detached emotionally man(not always been like that) who over the last few years has pretty much distanced himself from me and our child; he does what he wants and only sometimes involves himself with us; says its cause we don't like the same things; i have expressed my loneliness, my feeling of being a single parent, my need for him several times that i am beginning to sound like a broken record; every time this argument occurs, i give him all the details of my feelings only to have, our money problems (i am a complusive shopper) and our lack of (yes i am going there) sex. For the last 17 years, since the birth of our child, i have had no desire, none, i swear i think there must have been an on off switch the drs shut off, i have had my testerone tested (not even on the charts, taking meds) so i know thats a part of it but i have tried to explain over and over, how am i expected to want sex with a man that makes me feel like i am not worth the crap on his shoes, he never shows attention phyicially or mentally unless his hormones are raging, he tells me he loves me, but i don't see it or feel it; so how can i be expected to want or even try to approach him for it when my self esteem, my heart hurts, i ache for his love? Am i crazy to want that? Should i give him what he wants and hope he changes or what? I am so needing help!!! I love him so much it hurts!! He's killing me!!!

Lynette · 10-02-2009, 08:53 AM

I know guys get a bad wrap for being mindless horn dogs, but have you considered that perhaps he is hurting because his wife doesn't want to be physical with him? If your arm wasn't working anymore, wouldn't you go to the doctor to get it fixed? So why not your sex drive? Of course marriage is WAY more than sex, but I am sure how you can see it as a rejection on the most basic level. Although you glossed over the shopping issue, maybe it is bigger to him than you think? All I am saying is that it sounds like BOTH of you are in pain and if you really want it to work you have to start by addressing the issues you have control over first and go from there.

mego5dzgrc · 10-02-2009, 09:02 AM

I had the same sexual thing happen to me for about 3 years. It hurt our relationship tremendously. My best advice to you is to just make yourself do it. It might not always work, but the more you do it, the better you feel about yourself and the better he will feel. Sometimes it will feel great and you will get into it, sometimes you will have to work harder at it. I found that my birth control pills that I had been on for 14 years were making me feel that way. As soon as I stopped taking them, it was like my body saw the heavens. I would totally talk to your doctor more. And I would definitely suggest marriage counseling for your both...and you especially for the shopping.

Good luck honey!

Mandalagirl · 10-02-2009, 09:24 AM

You know, I had the same problem when I was married. I was only married for a year...looking back now I know it could have easily been resolved. Ten years later, we both talked about it. It was a misunderstanding from both of us. He looked at alot of porn and that bothered me. He was looking at it because I wasnt giving him any...and he thought I hated him. I thought he was looking at the porn because he wasnt attracted to me.

If you love him so much, try to get some counseling. I know some men are resistant to it but I think it may help. And I also agree with going back to the doc. I am going to get a little personal here but...why not try some things to spark up your sex drive? Get a cute outfit to wear for him and surprise him. Or make him dinner and give him some. Romantic it up a little bit. I think that may put you more into the mood. If he doesn't respond to that...I'm not sure what I would do. But a counselor may, even if it is just only for you. I'm glad you posted this. Its hard dealing with someone you feel isnt emotionally attached. I'm dealing with the same thing and am embarking a breakup I dont really want to do but will soon have to. When you are married as long as you are though, man..that has to be so hard.

Keep your head up!

Shetaz0028 · 10-02-2009, 10:35 AM

Ok, here is my ittybitty idea.....just remember I am a dingdong.

Hubbybubby and I went through this too. It was a massive lack of communication. The only time he would touch me was when he wanted some and wouldn't even look at me other wise. I had to sit him down and show him what I wanted.

I come from a very affectionate family. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, have a good day, and sleep sweets every day. Little notes saying I love you tucked in lunch boxes, shoes, cars...etc. Hubbybubby comes from a very cold and closed off family. No hugs or kisses. To this day I have no idea how any of them had kids.

Anyway, I had to show hubby that holding my hand was not a sin. I had to show him how nice it felt to have a back caressed. It took a couple of years and a lot of talking but, after me showing him so much he now understands how empty life is without it.

True, once in awhile he slides and it hurts but then I also have to look and see if I did anything to tell or show him that I wanted to be held or whatever. We are not mindreaders we have to use our words and actions.

I wish you luck and hopefully even getting it out here will give you a little peace.

Aomiel · 10-09-2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddy67217

and our lack of (yes i am going there) sex. For the last 17 years, since the birth of our child, i have had no desire, none(

Been there...done that. Felt the same since the birth of my child 17 years ago. Last year my husband commented that we only had sex 4 times the previous year? Really...and so, does this mean we don't love each other? Apparently to my husband it did.

Then we went to a marriage matters seminar last December just for giggles. There I learned a little psychology about men and women. For men, sex affirms love, so when they have sex with their wife, they feel loved and their 'emotions' don't necessarily have to come into play at all. Women tend to feel loved when their emotions are engaged and less so by the sexual act itself.

As I pulled away from my husband sexually because I had no desire for sex due to being tired with the new baby, not feeling sexually attractive due to the weight, etc., he felt as if I no longer loved him and began pulling away emotionally. Where he used to reach for my hand in the car or on walks or come up behind me while I was doing dishes just to nibble on my neck and give me a hug, these little intimacies began to disappear...so now I was the one feeling unloved.

I thank God every day for that marriage seminar. From that point on, I made a point of initiating sexual intimacy (because he had stopped for fear of rejection) *even when I didn't feel like it*. This may sound terrible but I have a secret marking system for my calendar to indicate when we have sex because it's all to easy to think it was just last week when in fact it was 2 months ago.

Guess what...within days of turning over my new leaf, my husband started holding my hand again. Instead of going off into a different room to read, he'd come into the room I was in, sit down a bit from me on the couch and put my feet in his lap so he could rub them. He's back to his 6 second rule (I'm not allowed to pull away from a hug for at least 6 seconds, no matter how busy I think I am.) Best of all...he now initiates sexual intimacy because he's no longer afraid I'll reject him.

He feels loved again and so do I. I highly recommend renewing that connection with one's spouse...because then life is truly good.

.

mistymee · 10-09-2009, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aomiel

Been there...done that. Felt the same since the birth of my child 17 years ago. Last year my husband commented that we only had sex 4 times the previous year? Really...and so, does this mean we don't love each other? Apparently to my husband it did.

Then we went to a marriage matters seminar last December just for giggles. There I learned a little psychology about men and women. For men, sex affirms love, so when they have sex with their wife, they feel loved and their 'emotions' don't necessarily have to come into play at all. Women tend to feel loved when their emotions are engaged and less so by the sexual act itself.

As I pulled away from my husband sexually because I had no desire for sex due to being tired with the new baby, not feeling sexually attractive due to the weight, etc., he felt as if I no longer loved him and began pulling away emotionally. Where he used to reach for my hand in the car or on walks or come up behind me while I was doing dishes just to nibble on my neck and give me a hug, these little intimacies began to disappear...so now I was the one feeling unloved.

I thank God every day for that marriage seminar. From that point on, I made a point of initiating sexual intimacy (because he had stopped for fear of rejection) *even when I didn't feel like it*. This may sound terrible but I have a secret marking system for my calendar to indicate when we have sex because it's all to easy to think it was just last week when in fact it was 2 months ago.

Guess what...within days of turning over my new leaf, my husband started holding my hand again. Instead of going off into a different room to read, he'd come into the room I was in, sit down a bit from me on the couch and put my feet in his lap so he could rub them. He's back to his 6 second rule (I'm not allowed to pull away from a hug for at least 6 seconds, no matter how busy I think I am.) Best of all...he now initiates sexual intimacy because he's no longer afraid I'll reject him.

He feels loved again and so do I. I highly recommend renewing that connection with one's spouse...because then life is truly good.

.

I just wanted to say this is an EXCELLENT post.. and a good reminder to both husbands and wives that it really is an important thing to keep the physical connection and that sometimes we have to push ourselves outside of our own comfort zone for the love of our partner. Plain and simple.

My lovely, lovely hubby- with whom I'll be celebrating a 1st wedding anniversary on Sunday, btw- is very affectionate with me, as I am with him and we make a point of kissing before either of us leaves the house in the AM, kissing when we arrive home together in the evening and we NEVER go to bed without a hug and a kiss. There are more scattered throughout.

That connection is so important to both of us and I never want to lose that- it is just so important to both of us that we show each other how much we love and care how the other is feeling.

This is very different for both of us, as we'd been in what I'd say were 'affectionate-less' marriages (towards the end, anyway) and it was hurtful to each of us.. we don't ever want to live like that again so we make a point to show each other how much we love the other- every day.

Small changes to start are all that are necessary to get things moving in the right direction.

bezobraz · 10-09-2009, 02:00 PM

Oh, boy!! If man and woman could understand one another … Sadly, it is not the case most of the time.

To be honest if my DH refuses to have sex with me on regular bases I will be hurt as well. I will definitely think he is not into me anymore and that he might have found someone else to sleep with.

Some times husband and wife forget how to have fun together. They stop being playful and funny and silly. Everyday stress and kids and job can really get to us. We forget how to stop and how to have mindless fun.

We love man who make us laugh … we also should not forget to give him an opportunity to be funny, strong and sexy … Of cause men often forget that we need to hear how funny, sexy and beautiful we are.

-tonya

Baja Big Dog · 10-09-2009, 02:18 PM

The seven year itch!!

Thats normally the time frame when you fall out of love, without an honest effort to keep the love in the relationship.

Not saying your dont love him, or he loves you, you are both just not IN love, and yes, there is a difference.

Communication is the kick in the ass here, and there for the rest of us!! If he doesnt know that you dont have a drive sexually, (yes he has figured it out) but without sitting down and talking about it, your both gonna wind up in a knot, and divorced.

You both need to get some help, and you need to get to the doctor and find out what shut off your switch, it could be medication, and I have know women that lost the drive from taking fricken anti inflammatory!!

Remember, just because you love someone, it doesnt mean you are IN love, find out what you need to do to find that love again, faking it to appease him may work for a while, but some guys are into the sensual part of a relationship, and not just the sexual part.