Hey to my Stapler Sisters and other assorted Peeps!
I'm sad to say that I am quite ill right now and literally fighting for my life. The malnutrition and malabsorption are starting to affect my organs--I can't clot blood as fast as I used to, and I bruise just like your Grandma--my skin has taken on that same look as old folks skin, too. My memory is gone--everything needs to be written down, and my vision is deteriorating, and there is nothing else they can do about it. I am apparently 'maxxed out' on the strength of my glasses. I shrank 1/2" in 2 months!!
That's from my bones starting to crumble from the severe osteoporosis I have from the malnutrition. They're going to give me Boniva injections every 3 months and see how that does with my bone loss. I had an exciting new development last week--while eating yogurt,my left canine tooth
fell out of my head!! I officially have summer teeth now--some 'er there, some 'er not... I am going to the dentist tomorrow for a couple of hours in the chair trying to use the broken off roots to try to build up the area and crown my canine. And of course, they're just donating all that work because I'm so sweet. (NOT!) I am nauseated at least 75% of the day, and really can't get enough food into myself to meet the meagerest of nutrition, let alone the other nutrients I need in order to heal.
My copper levels can't go down much further--so virtually no protein (all I eat these days) isn't getting absorbed into my body, which now thinks it's anemic. OK, it says so on the report, so who am I to argue? Virtually every single lab value is coming up with numbers indicating someone in severe malnutrition. When I spoke with Dr. Callery about it with the hope of being able to talk to his nut, he completely blew me off and said their responsibility for my health is over. He wouldn't even give me over to the nut so I could ask her some questions. I had Doc Potts, who is a wonderful man, but now he's gone, and there's no new ways to get money out of me, so seeya!
Over the last two weeks I have seen my PCP, my pain management doctor, my shrink, a
very good surgeon, a GI doc, who did a very poor scope of my esophagus (she didn't even know I had 3 anastomoses, never introduced herself....you get the picture there, and lastly an endocrinologist/metabolic doc. Three of those doctors have sadly told me that there is no hope for me. I have too many adhesions to try to clear them out, and cutting into me only gives them more places to start up. But none of the three docs thought I'd survive the surgery, and if I pulled that one off, then there is the problem with healing while being so malnourished. !) I currently weigh 108, losing between 2-3lbs a week, despite us cooking normally taste tempting, yummy meals, and I try as hard as I can to make every spoonful count, but it's not enough to stop this disease process.
My new Endocrinologist is very good, and has pledged to do her best to "get me back from this slippery place I'm in." She said outright that it may be too late for me. Two other doctors, my PCP and the belly surgeon have both told me that even if they went in to get rid of the new crop of adhesions, I'm not healthy enough to withstand the surgery and would have a terrible time healing. Those adhesions have twined themselves around my roux limb, closing it off and making it hard for me to eat more than perhaps a half cup of food at a time, and then I have to fight to keep it down.
I am terrified. Incredibly scared. I am scared right down to my very cells. I am making some changes to my will, getting all my affairs in order. The endocrinologist told me that dying of malnutrition "is not an easy way to go. It's ugly." All I'm missing now is a couple of flies in the corners of my eyes, ya know? I keep thinking of all my loved ones, 2-legged and 4-legged who will be there to greet me....Jerry Garcia will be there along with a host of others, waiting to play me some good tunes....
I will say this--it's gotten serious enough that all of these doctors from different practices are promising to work together as a team in order to fix my blood before my heart starts going wongo. That in itself should be interesting,
I used to pride myself with my quick wit, my ability to think fast on my feet, (I was a paramedic for three years or so) be a successful manager of 93 people and millions of dollars worth of equipment, and just being a good friend to those I love. That Donna is gone already. Will I remember this life and any of its lessons? Will I remember the people I have loved and left? Wlll anyone remember or miss me?
I haven't told my kids yet, and dread that like you can't believe. I'm going to wait a while longer and see if these docs can do any good, then if I have to I'll hop a plane to Minneapolis--I insist on face to face contact when I tell the two young people I made in my body. It's just not something to rattle off in a phone conversation.
Other than saying over and over that I am terrified of the future and incredibly afraid of the present, I truly can't hold much more of anything in my brain. When you put all of that with constant, steady, unyielding back pain and crippling depression....let's just say I don't buy green bananas, if you know what I mean...
I don't have enough money for a 'Bucket List', even though I promised myself when I was 16 and went to France and Paris with school that I would be back. But that most likely won't happen due to child support issues concerning arrearages. They don't give you a passport if you owe more than $2500 in child support. And Michelle is the person I would like to show my favorite city to. Sigh.
Thanks for listening to my drama--you know how much I love drama--anyway, I appreciate anyone who has read this all the way through. I care deeply for all of you!
The One and Only~~
Donna, the SDGrrl
I'm having some very serious problems here...
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