Relationship Woes - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Marnie · 07-16-2004, 01:42 PM

Afternoon All,

This will be a bit long winded, but please help. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years, so I will refer to him as my boyfriend. He has been very supportive of everything. Our relationship has been an odd one, but it is easiest to describe it has long term dating, but not exclusive (his choice). We are a very social couple and often enjoy darts, pool and karaoke. Since my surgery, drinking and smoking have become a thing of the past but we still continue to go out. We get along wonderfully and have only had a handful of disagreements in the past. In the past, I have been insecure at times, but worked through that once I realized how much he cared for me, even though he may deny it. He has never been possessive, jealous or insecure about our relationships. Now here comes the but….. Last night we went out to sing karaoke and he became irrational, jealous and upset because an acquaintance was talking with me and complimenting me on my weight loss. The ironic part of this is, as this acquaintance was hugging me, he said, “I hope your boyfriend knows how lucky he is to have someone like you who loves him so much.” Next thing I know, my boyfriend stated he didn’t want to be there anymore and he was leaving. He didn’t want to discuss anything with me but thought I was being disrespectful to him. Now, I am not even going to guess what was going through my boyfriends mind, but I was left speechless by the response. My initial reaction was to run after him and apologize, but I didn’t do anything wrong.

Has anyone experienced anything like this with their relationships?

Midntsgirl · 07-16-2004, 03:17 PM

Marnie,
I too have a male friend that I am in a situation with, semi-similar to yours. (Did that make ANY sence?? LOL) We have been the best of friends for 2 years now. I would love to be in a commited relationship with him. He is the greatest...MOST OF THE TIME. Before the surgery he would joke around about how when I lost all this weight all the guys would be flocking to my door and how he'd have to beat them with a baseball bat. He would say that after I started getting all this attention from them that I would forget all about him. He said he would be jealous. BUT...THIS HASN'T HAPPENED!!
He's been distant, and avoiding me at pretty much any cost. I try to talk to him on the phone, but he's always busy or doesn't return my phone calls. I'm at my wits end with him. I don't know if I want to invest anymore time and effort in him at all. I mean he means the world to me, but broken promises, and empty words are all that seem to be coming out of his mouth anymore.
Hope this helped you to realize that you aren't the only one in a sticky situation with a man...

newthindale · 07-16-2004, 07:07 PM

Marnie and Brenda,

We have had many discussions about the changes in relationships which can happen as we start to change physically. Marriages often feel the strain. All relationships can, potentially, change, as well. If there are issues before the surgery, as we feel better, both physically and emotionally, those issues will be more apparent. If someone has treated us badly before, it will get worse. I have watched marriages break up, sadly, because of this (or maybe not so sadly?) Many of us just won't put up with the same poor behavior we were willing to put up with when we didn't feel good about ourselves.

In turn, if your marriage or relationship was strong before the surgery, it will probably continue to be strong if you keep communication open. Issues of jealousy, which were probably never there when we weren't as "atttractive" to outside people, can pop up. Marnie, your boyfriend probably never before had to face his feelings of insecurity about your relationship which he is, apparently, feeling right now. He has to learn to talk to you about these feelings and realize that it is nothing that you did. He can't just run away. This is his problem, not yours! Don't take the blame for someone giving you some attention! Talk to your boyfriend about this. Try to get him to understand. If your relationship is a good one, it will work out with time. If it isn't, maybe you should give that some thought, too. The ball is now in your court and you have some power now that you never had before. Kinda nice, but scary. Time will tell.

Dale 6/19/02 at goal

brutherford · 07-17-2004, 07:51 AM

Changing your life dramatically with wls will cause ripple effects in most (if not all) of your relationships, and your love life will see the changes the fastest. You have to realize that to your mate/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, everything has changed: you're more confident, hopeful, social, etc. You don't handle challenges and stress the way you used to, and you're more focused on the outside and what you look like than you may have ever been before. Whether your relationship is 6 months or 11 years old, it's going to be an adjustment for your partner. Open communication is really the only way you'll make it through, and you can only control your side of that communication. Do the best that you can do, and if your partner can't meet you half-way (in terms of being open and honest about how they feel), then there's not a whole lot you can do about that.

Although we haven't had any major issues, it has been an adjustment for my husband. He's much more jealous that he used to be - actually, in the past 11 years, I've never really seen that side of him until the last few months. He's pretty driven to keep up with me (exercise and motivation-wise), but has this returning concern that I'm going to leave him. We talk about it all the time, and I tell him 2-3x a week that I have no intention of leaving him. He's got abandonment issues from his parents, and there's really nothing that I can do to take away his fear, but I can keep the communication open so we can talk through these things as they come along.

Finally, I'm going to share a bittersweet story: Stretton (my husband) and I routinely refer to movie stars that we find attractive as our "boyfriends" and "girlfriends." His girlfriend is Salma Hayek; my boyfriend is Clive Owen; etc. So, a few weeks ago, I rented a movie with Clive Owen in it. Stretton asked me what I was going to do that evening and I said, holding the dvd, "Hang out with my boyfriend." Stretton's eyes got enormous, and he put his hand on his chest and stared at me in the most bizarre way. I said, "You know... on the dvd?" He immediately looked relieved and said, "My heart stopped when you said 'boyfriend'." Awwww...

Christina · 07-17-2004, 08:02 PM

Marnie,

I can't speak from experience with relationship problems post op because I don't have a relationship to deal with.. however, I have been in those types of destructive relationships that it appears you are in now. The non-exclusive (His decision) types.. and my question is this.. I know that you must care for this man.. but do you really feel as if he has any respect for you at all? First of all if he doesn't want an "exclusive" relationship why is he bothered by another man hugging you??? It seems to me, and correct me if I am wrong, but he is in it all for himself. He wants what he wants period!! He is intimidated by the fact that other men find you attractive now because then he doesn't have the hen watiting in the roost for him. I know this man or his type I dealt with it for a couple years before I regained my self esteem and kicked his sorry a$$ out! This is not a healthy relationship.. I am sorry if I sound so blunt but trust me it is the truth. He has no respect for you or himself for that matter. If he loved you, truly loved you, he would not treat you like this. I know that not all men are like this, but as a heavy person, these were the types of relationships I was exposed to and I stayed in them mainly due to my low self esteem.. however, I would not stand for that anymore at this point. I demand respect from a man, and not in a cranky way.. but I feel like if I treat him like a king I deserve to be treated like a queen.. and so on. (Maybe thats why I don't have a man.. LOL) Oh well.. good luck to you girl... and call upon us if you need anything..

Marnie · 07-18-2004, 11:37 AM

Good Day!

Thank you all who responded. I can't tell you how much they helped. I know that I can't make a decision today because I am not willing to throw away the past 4 years. We both have previous partner relationship issues that we have been working through. I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive partner for 10 years. He was married to someone who didn't really like him, but he was a steady paycheck for 16 years. So, there is a number of things there, but I will say this.... It is one of the healthiest relationships I have been in and I believe we should be able to communicate and work through this.
I can already see huge changes in my outlook. Previously I would have readily admitted I was in the wrong, but as the days go on, I have seen that I can't control others or their reactions to me. Many people that I come into contact have positive reactions to the changes in my appearance, and you are right, I have never spent so much time on my appearance! Since my surgery, I have had my hair cut (7" off the length), straightened and colored! I also have a new relationship with this place called the Gym! Oh yes, Gym also has a friend called Personal Trainer that I am seeing now! What a concept, I work my butt off and feel great because I know what the end result will be.
Thanks again!

bridgetgirl · 07-19-2004, 11:50 AM

I dont see this guy as being too wacky... call me crazy n stuff. Sometimes people are blind to what they have and dont appreciate things. Especially since you guys have been "dealing" with each other as long as you have. He's your best friend. He may have been awoken by that incident. I know that myself, and im sure I can speak for others, get real cranky when woken from a sleep very abruptly. Im sure this will pass. Either he will appreciate you or become a real smart ass.... if he turns into a smart ass I say ditch the intimate part of the realtionship, you say you dont want to throw away 4 years but you dont want to be here in another 3 years saying you cant believe you wasted 7 years..... there are 2 types of people that are in our lives, they are people that enrich your life and others that you learn from... I say give it some time, then figure out where he fits.
You dont hear often enough that you are a phenomenal woman, or perhaps you do hear but havent accepted it, but you are. You are strong and independent, creative and driven. No matter if its 4 years or 4 days, if he doesnt make you feel exceptional, you shouldnt settle. Does he make you feel like you are on top of the world? Does he make you feel appreciated? talk to me girl....