Intimacy issues-should I tell husband? - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Melissah · 06-24-2009, 10:16 AM

This time last year I weighed 230lbs. Yes, I had intimacy issues then to but not near as bad now. I am now 260 lbs and that extra 30 sure does make a difference in the bedroom as well as in my head.

I try everything to get out of it but of course it's really making my husband feel like crap. I know this is how men feel loved. He cracks jokes now and again..I'm sure this is nothing new to some of you, stuff like "I'm lucky to get it once a month" etc...My issue is that while being intimate, the whole time I am worried about how I physically feel to him. My body image is sooo bad and self esteem is zilch, zero, nada...that I am disgusted by myself and I guess during the act I can't focus because I am worried what's going thru his mind about my fat!

I talked to a couple of women in my support group as well as my PCP and they both said sit down and tell him how I feel. We been married 19 years!

maybe this will help me a little...make the "act" easier. I don't know.

What do you all think? I probably will be slated for wls sometime in the fall.

Josephine · 06-24-2009, 10:22 AM

Actually to be honest, fat feels soft and warm. It FEELS great for most men, a lot of them just have a problem with the way it LOOKS because they've been socialized to think that. My DH doesn't like fat chicks but he loves me...

And after 9 years together, he actually said.. "Baby I know this is about your health and I want you to do what's most important for your health but I hope you don't go lower than like 175 lbs because I like how soft and warm you feel."

I remember when I was little, I loved it when my mom would hold me because she was soft and comfy. He really.. really.. is not thinking about your fat when he's enjoying being with you... only you are wasting energy on that.

momgreen · 06-24-2009, 10:28 AM

Hi, Melissah. Well, I think a lot of us have been in the same boat. Our stats are quite close and I know EXACTLY how you feel. Here is what I did...I sat my husband down and laid it all out for him. I told him why I feel the way I do. I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I really got emotional trying to get my point across to him. His reaction to me made me even more emotional. He told me that he feels like I am rejecting him, and that he feels like I am no longer attracted to him. He tried to tell me that he still loves to look at me and however I see myself is in my head, he does not see me that way. Hearing him say those things did 2 things for me...It made me feel good that he feels that way and, it made me feel guilty as all Hell. It's been a couple months since I had "the talk" with him and, things are no different now. He is understanding but, I think he still feels rejected. At least he knows why now. He is more supportive now than ever for me to have surgery though! He tells me that he is very concerned about the possible complications but, if this is what I want to do to bring back a part of my whole being, he supports me. In the beginning he was totally against it! So, that all being said...I think you should tell your husband how you feel. Just be prepared that he still may not understand. Bottom line is, they love us the way we are but, we dont love ourselves! Best of luck!

poet_kelly · 06-24-2009, 10:28 AM

I can pretty much guarantee you that he is not thinking about your fat when you are being intimate. And if he was not attracted to you, he wouldn't be wanting more intimacy. But maybe you need to hear that from him, not from strangers on a website forum. So yes, talk to him about it.

Kelly

poet_kelly · 06-24-2009, 10:30 AM

Another thing is, if your self-esteem is that low and is that tied in to your physical appearance, you may want to consider getting some counseling. I know it helped me a lot.

Kelly

Melissah · 06-24-2009, 10:48 AM

Thanks for the great advice.

momgreen...wow you summed up what i am going thru in a nutshell. And yes, I think my husband feels rejected. I think havng the talk makes a big difference because it will let him know he is not getting rejected and it will be a small burden off me. Carrying all this is awful.

Kelly...I have thought of seeing a therapist. I was never skinny skinny but I always had self esteem up until the last year. I think it's tied to my weight gain. I have heard so many stories about women who lose 100 plus pounds and still see themselves as they did before. I don't need the head trips.

izanmanyzanz · 06-24-2009, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melissah

Thanks for the great advice.

momgreen...wow you summed up what i am going thru in a nutshell. And yes, I think my husband feels rejected. I think havng the talk makes a big difference because it will let him know he is not getting rejected and it will be a small burden off me. Carrying all this is awful.

Kelly...I have thought of seeing a therapist. I was never skinny skinny but I always had self esteem up until the last year. I think it's tied to my weight gain. I have heard so many stories about women who lose 100 plus pounds and still see themselves as they did before. I don't need the head trips.

I would definitely talk to him. Communication is so important in marriages. I have been through the same thing and talking about it helped alot. My husband was married to a skinny girl and then to me, and he says by far he loves being with me more. He says it gives him something to hold on to. I still have problems with my own self image, but when he comes home from work and says hey sexy, I look around to see who he is talking to, but then I realize he is talking to me and really loves me. It does get better, but talking to him will definitely help and someone else may too.

poet_kelly · 06-24-2009, 11:17 AM

Therapy has been a great help to me. I have issues other than self-esteem, but self-esteem has been a big thing. It was not only tied to my weight but to other things as well, and yours might be as well. But my weight gain felt like one more failure. And my self-esteem did not automatically get better just by losing some weight. It's taken a lot of hard work, and I'm still working on it.

Kelly

Mandalagirl · 06-24-2009, 12:39 PM

You know, its so funny you mention this. I had the opposite thoughts.

I thought...I am having wls...he met me bigger, will he still be attracted to me?

For me...oh hells yah

It's on!

I couldn't find the words to tell him this...so I wrote it to him. At least I got it out you know?

Rebirth_103008 · 06-24-2009, 02:31 PM

This doesn't help, but my complaint now is I lost one insecurity (fatness) for another--loose flabby old-lady skin and droopy breasts. I'm am more self-conscious now. I have no advice other than having a glass of wine right beforehand and maybe you'll loosen up mentally and not care as much. But I don't want to promote drinking and alcoholism; then you'd have yet another problem on your hands.